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Thread: Is it payback or something new?

  1. #11

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
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    I luckily guessed the password to the app she uses to communicate with the . Since my affair, she has always had access to my phone. I have never had a reason to look at her phone so I never asked. I happened to see a message pop up a couple weeks ago and it go me curious so I started searching and have found out a lot. I would really like his wife to find out so I don't have to be the one to "out" them.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member
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    Originally Posted by Ranger52
    Thanks Nickel. As badly as I want to make this other guys life a living hell, that will only be short lived enjoyment for me. As much as our individual affairs are similar, they are very much different. My "other woman" was divorced and in another state. Her "other man" is married, lives in a neighborhood near ours, and our kids will go to school together once in middle school.

    I think it's time to move on. I'm still young enough to enjoy my 40's and beyond.
    I would contact and make the other man's wife aware of the situation. She deserves to know. That isn't burning anyone to the ground. You are helping someone else out.

    I simply mean not to go around badmouthing people because it won't do you any favors.

  3. #13
    Gold Member
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    I am going to say that I think it is some form of revenge, and she may be unaware of it. You hurt her and I think she has a "need" to retaliate. It might help her feel better. Not very mature, but hey, that's what I think. I imagine that emotionally cheating on you will help her accept what you did to her. You hurt her/she hurts you. Not saying this is a good approach but I think that's why she did it. Not sure if this makes any sense.

    Look at how YOU feel about that other guy and what you considered doing. She, obviously, is very hurt/angry/resentful and one way that she can hurt you back is to hurt you for what you did. I will say that you should seek counselling together. Good luck to both of you.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member Chelsea54's Avatar
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    OP it’s hard to say if this is something she’s doing cause she cannot emotionally connect with you anymore once you were deceitful with her or if she chose an easy password and left her phone out for you to find as some kind of revenge. Why do you even care about the fact that the other man is married? I would think your first thoughts would be about the marriage you and she have. You’re coming from a point of pride and risk of embarrassment because the other guy has connections to your locality and your children instead of thinking about what went wrong in the first place to make you cheat. It seems like you should confront only her, and understand that you are to blame for starting this bad path you both chose to walk. That applies to whether you decide to split or reconcile. There was something/s wrong in your relationship even before you cheated and you’re both at least part of the problem. So even if you’re certain about breaking up, try to be in a humble mindset and stay in that attitude as you present your evidence about what she’s doing. It’s odd that you want forgiveness but are thinking of what collateral damage you can cause. Who knows, maybe she wants out and is just creating a catalyst to make you ask for a divorce. Or maybe her pride is so injured that she cannot accept you again until she makes you fully understand what you did to her sense of everything about your marriage and maybe she would want to restart, renew your relationship.
    The therapists you’ve been to.. some are good, very few are miracle workers. So the healing could only occur if you both were committed to it.
    100% keep both kids out of it, no matter their age.
    No burning anyone to the ground or throwing rocks. You live in a glass house.
    Good luck.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Clearly both your and her affairs are only symptoms of bigger problems, in addition to problems in themselves and creating even more problems. You can both snoop, lie, etc however the fact remains that at different times you both have reached outside the marriage for intimacy and sexuality.

    You can scan her messages all you want but you're not learning anything new. At this point it's injustice collecting and morbid curiosity, because you already know about it. You're putting a sordid little bandaid on a malignant marriage.

    What you can do is finally get to the root of the need for both you and her to step outside the marriage and get your respective thrills either engaging in affairs or playing cat-and-mouse games.

    Sounds kind of funny to say "burn them to the ground and ruin them" in the same sentence as "I do love her and we have kids".

    All you can do is make an appt with a therapist. First for yourself to discover what's up with your own betrayals and current hatred/anger and then for both of you before you do in fact "burn down and ruin lives" not "them"...but yourself and your wife and most sadly, the lives of your kids.
    Originally Posted by Ranger52
    Several years ago I had an emotional affair with a woman in another state. My wife and I worked it out and stayed together.

    I recently found out my wife is doing the same thing, except the guy only lives a few miles away. I am keeping up on their messages and they are very sexual, but it does not seem that have met to have sex.

    do I burn them both to the ground and ruin their lives and reputations? I do love her and we have kids.

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