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Thread: Is it payback or something new?

  1. #1

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    Is it payback or something new?

    Several years ago I had an emotional affair with a woman in another state. My wife and I worked it out and stayed together. It was very difficult but things were just recently starting to get better. She knows I am sorry and I still tell her it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I did not have sex with this other woman. It was strictly texting and phone calls. The messages were sexual at times, but it was more of a comfort and flattering that someone complimented me and was curious about my day. Obviously, I ended everything when I almost lost my family.

    Now... I recently found out my wife is doing the same thing, except the guy only lives a few miles away. I am keeping up on their messages and they are very sexual, but it does not seem that have met to have sex. A few pictures have passed as well.

    My question is, do I confront her and ask her to stop? Or, do I burn them both to the ground and ruin their lives and reputations? I do love her and we have kids.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    If you do that to your children’s mother how does that help your children? I would show her the evidence. But being bent on destruction of your wife will ultimately damage your kids the most.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    The two main reasons people cheat are lack of maturity and revenge. Yup, it sounds like a revenge cheat.

    Some people can get over cheating, some people can't - obviously she's one of the ones who can't. Don't cheat on your next SO. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....seems like you are both bent on emotional cheating, but not actually addressing what is so broken with your marriage and the connection between you that you are both engaging in this behavior.

    Yes, show her what you found, but not to burn her, but to open a conversation about the state of your marriage. It's in shambles and you both need to start taking some constructive steps on figuring out what to do to either fix it or making a decision to part ways. Since you are married with children, try counseling first. In other words start being honest with each other about the extent of the problems and make a plan on how to work things out. Any ideas of holding things against each other is a toxic approach to an already toxic situation. Get counseling so you have a neutral party to guide you to sort things out, talk, figure out and learn how to address issues in a constructive and healthy way, etc. If your marriage can't be improved, then for the sake of the children, divorce. Yes, that's right, for the sake of the children part ways. Children aren't blind to cheating parents and not immune to the emotional damage from the faux marriage.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I’m not sure why you think that you deserved forgiveness but she deserves to be burned to the ground...

    I agree with Seraphim. You have children who should come first. Let your wife know what you know, offer counseling if you BOTH would like to save your family. However, based on your second option to completely ruin her life, I would say you at least need some space from this to decide if you can forgive this and move forward. Your wife may need space as well, but she’s going to have to commit to space ALONE, not with another man.

  7. #6

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    There is more to the story in general. I didn't want a long winded post that nobody would read. We went to counseling off and on the last few years. She would make sure to remind me that I cheated sometimes when we had arguments. She couldn't believe that I would break our vows. Our oldest child knows what happened and I have always made sure he knows that I was wrong for what I did and for him to never do something like that when he is old enough to date/marry. The young one was and is still too young to really understand. He just knows that one time I was really mean to mommy and I'm really sorry for it.

    How could she do this when I really do understand how badly I hurt her. How does she not think it is hurting me the same way?

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    She is not over it and may never be.

    I would not involve kids in these discussions. They get no benefits only distress. These are adult conversations.

  9. #8
    Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you both owe it to each other to be a bit more mature. Language like burning someone to the ground or keeping up on her messages doesn't make sense to me. Do you have full access to her phone and why? Did the sharing of passwords come about early on or in the aftermath of your emotional affair? Is it vice versa? If she knows you have access or a password to her phone, she may be beyond caring what you think. Both of you have acted recklessly and I wouldn't think that the children already don't notice the way you treat each other. Does this other man have any idea that she is married or have a family and is he someone you know?

    I can't counsel you because I've never been through a cheating situation of this magnitude. I'm sure there are options for couples' counseling or speaking with third parties that may be able to help. I'm not the right person to say that this marriage is over but at the rate you both are behaving, the lack of respect does make it hard to envision any type of honest relationship past your actions. If you do genuinely want to remain married to her, you might have to eat humble pie again and be prepared to rehash everything from the past again (that your actions are not done and gone) and be prepared that your wife never forgave you in the first place. She is not right to have done what she has done/is doing but she might have learned from YOU that that type of behaviour is ok. Some people aren't strong enough to walk away from a wrongdoing or an unhealthy relationship and keep themselves intact. She may have her reasons for staying but it's changed her in the process. You both should be prepared to take the relationship down to the bare bones if you both want to make it work but it won't go much further with this type of behaviour or lack of respect.

  10. #9
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    "Burning her to the ground" will do nothing for you. You have to confront her about the situation, have a serious discussion as to whether you two are willing to continue your relationship or not, and then put in the work if you are both committed.

    Let me put it this way. I was 100% faithful in my relationship. My wife was having a physical affair. We are separated now and in the process of divorce, but I am not trashing her in front of her friends or family or seeking revenge. Want to know why? She's not worth the effort, and she is the mother of my child. She is a good mom usually. Revenge will accomplish nothing, even if it made me feel temporarily better for a day. In the end, I am still the one who has to live with the betrayal and try to move on. Focusing on her does not accomplish that.

  11. #10

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    Thanks Nickel. As badly as I want to make this other guys life a living hell, that will only be short lived enjoyment for me. As much as our individual affairs are similar, they are very much different. My "other woman" was divorced and in another state. Her "other man" is married, lives in a neighborhood near ours, and our kids will go to school together once in middle school.

    I think it's time to move on. I'm still young enough to enjoy my 40's and beyond.

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