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Thread: How to heal from betrayal and trust again

  1. #1

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    How to heal from betrayal and trust again

    Hey guys,

    I am stuck in a dilemma. I have been in a relationship for the last 3,5 years, 90% of the time it's wonderful and my boyfriend is very dedicated to me. However, it was a long distance relationship for the first two years ( we saw each other every 3 weeks). End of last year I found out that he almost cheated on me, although to me it's still cheating what he did. Let me explain: 6 months into our relationship, he went out with his friend and got drunk. When he gets super drunk he blacks out. At the party he started to hit on a girl that he once slept with in the past.. she blocked it but after the party he texted her if he can come over to her place. Even though he never touched her and "nothing" happened because she didn't respond it breaks my heart. I am so heartbroken because he never told me, I found it out last year when we decided to check each others phone messages). On the other hand because I wonder what would have happened if she would let him stay over? I of course am convinced that he would have sex with her. His reason for not telling me was that he didn't remember anything about that night, he doesn't understand why he wanted to spend the night at her house because they haven't been in touch for a long time. And of course because he was afraid that I will break up with him if he tells me.
    He basically made my worst fear come true - The fear of not knowing that your partner has cheated on you and finding it out years later. The thought that I gave my love to someone that was cheating on me behind my back is super terrifying. Before that all happened, my trust was already lowered because in the first year of our relationship he was still talking to girls he was once interested in and he lied to them whenever he was meeting me. Those texts weren't sexual at all, friendly texts, he wanted to have these options open, in case our long distance relationship wouldn't work out. I can understand that somehow and I could forgive him for that. But I have to think about the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." He tells me that he wants to proof to me how loyal he and that back then he was in a different state. He wasn't sure if the relationship will last. BUT he never mentioned those fears to me, in fact, he was declaring his love to me on a daily basis. He treats me like a Queen and this is why I am so confused. I see his efforts but I fear that he puts a mask on. I have read so many stories of men telling their partners that they have changed and that it will never happen again and then it turned out that they lied. I don't want it to happen to me. Now I am finding myself getting crazy insecure. For instance, now we had a fight about his Instagram followers, because he follows girls that he is attracted to and that he could date (he knows them personally). I don't think I would mind that if I would trust him but now it's a big deal to me and I feel like it's micro-cheating. Is it crazy? I seriously don't know if it's worth staying in this relationship because I really don't know how to trust him and not fear that he will keep a cheating secret from me. It's very annoying to worry so much. What do you guys think? How did you learn to trust again? I want to start a family soon and I want to make sure that my partner is loyal and it's difficult to think that if he already broke my trust.

  2. #2
    Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I don't agree with your statement that 90% of the time your relationship is wonderful. You spend 100% of your time worrying about him cheating on you and suspecting that he's texting other women when you're not around. This doesn't sound like a relationship to me.

    He can say he loves you all day long, but you should look closer at his actions. If he knows that his texting women bothers you, is he amenable to stop doing it? If not, you should probably reconsider if this guy is what you want.

  3. #3
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    Please, please do NOT become pregnant unless and until you feel secure in this relationship. Having a baby will not cement him to you. It just means you'd have more to worry about if the relationship doesn't work out.

    If you don't trust him you can't stay with him. I mean, how does 50 more years of checking his phone and policing his Instagram account sound to you?

  4. #4
    Bronze Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Run far away. You don't trust him. Follow your instinct, not your heart. I made that mistake myself.

    Trust me, it's better to be briefly heartbroken now than it is to have a family with the man only to find out he is cheating later.
    Then you will have kids with him as well as being heartbroken and will have to be around him for the rest of your life due to having kids with him.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, you have a couple of issues - him talking to and hitting on other girls, and you have trust issues. The answer is counseling.

  7. #6
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    For the love of God - stop dating this dirtbag. But if you are okay with him talking to other girls throughout your relationship, so he can have an ego boost, by all means.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    3.5 years is awhile to invest in someone.. I don't think you (or anyone) deserves to be treated this way. The problem is that this isn't someone that you just started seeing. It's a person you've known for years. If he doesn't know how to play nice by now or treat a partner with respect, I don't feel like he's ever going to change. I can also see it from his point of view(he may just not be ready to settle down with one woman at all or you're just not right for him). You're thinking about stability and wanting to start a family but his actions are telling you that he's more interested in keeping up his social activities outside the relationship. You're both not on the same page. You cannot force someone to be on the same page as you. Learning that and accepting that is all on you. You have a choice.

  9. #8

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    I think I have to clarify. My boyfriend stopped texting the couple girls within our first year of being together and it's not like he was exchanging sexual texts with them. It was friendly texting and yes he didn't tell them that he was taken for the first few months of our relationship because he wasn't sure if it will last since it was a long distance relationship. So since I already came in with trust issues this lowered my trust even more, especially because he was declaring his love to me on a regular basis and it seemed like he was super serious. But who knows maybe I was too in love to realize. Anyways, he treats me very well ( friends&family envy how loving and affectionate he is towards me) and he works on himself - before he knew me he was living a pretty much unconscious life which means he didn't reflect much. And I do see him trying to show me that the party night was a big mistake. As far as the Instagram goes, he follows girls that he knows and that he finds attractive and like I said I don't think it's a bad thing in general if you don't have bad intentions behind it. There will be always people we find attractive, doesn't mean we want to have sex with them, right? However, since he lost my trust this makes me extra insecure. So he said he will delete every girl he finds attractive. Yet, my question is how you can trust someone who betrayed you? Is it possible or should I leave? I don't want to belong to the generation that just leaves whenever it gets difficult. On the other hand, what it it's my intuition trying to tell me to run? I am so confused.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There are two options:
    -People who make you feel good, crystal clear and buoyant when you're around them.
    -People who make you feel confused, terrible or upset.

    Until you're able to tell the difference between the two and classify your boyfriend correctly, you will continue to be confused and move around in circles. You are not obligated to have all the answers at the drop of a hat but you do owe it to yourself to start taking the blinders off and continue to ask yourself difficult questions. I don't think your boyfriend is a bad person but negligent people do fall under the second group I mentioned above (the people who don't make you feel good). You get to make your own decisions. This is how you get to decide what you want and what you don't want in your life, how you want to feel and how you don't want to feel.

    I also think you're denying yourself from passing adequate judgments on behaviours that you find repulsive and unnecessary. You should be more truthful with yourself because in the end you should live with a quiet mind or at peace(aligned with your thoughts, values and your beliefs). You're in turmoil because you're not being truthful with how you feel about certain behaviours.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What closed the distance gap? Did one of you move to the other or return from collage or distance work? How do you know each other? How old is he? Unfortunately you are not going to fix, change or enlighten him.

    Try to belong to the generation that knows when to cut it's losses when there are this many red flags and issues..
    Originally Posted by itsmeEm
    before he knew me he was living a pretty much unconscious life which means he didn't reflect much.

    I don't want to belong to the generation that just leaves whenever it gets difficult.

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