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Thread: Uneassiness

  1. #1

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    Uneassiness

    I recently started dating someone and I have had some trust issues interfere. I am naturally an unstrusting person. However resently this person has given me reasons for heightened suspicions. Everything was fine at the beginning of the relationship but now his habits have become increasingly different. For instance working laiter, having appointments on the weekends, seeing me less and less. Alot of these work and activities have checked out but others i wonder about. I expressed how I do feel like I have these trust issues and that I feel suspicious of his activities. He reassures me that eveything is fine and that i should trust him and that he would never think of causing another person harm. Recently he mentioned a new co worker and how she just recently started at his workplace and she is the only one to speak spanish as he does. I do not speak spanish.
    Recently I arranged for him to meet up with myself and my friend to eat. He agreed but said that he'd be out with coworkers for a bit before arriving. When he did arrive, he sat with us, his phone was open face up to reveal that he was talking to this female coworker. My suspicions rose and i eventually got to his phone took it to the bathroom and started viewing the messages which were in spanish. I tried to translate them and couldn't, my friend covered for me but he found the phone missing and wondered where i was. My friend told me to come out and just to address him honestly later when we were to ourselves. He knew that i viewed his phone and admitted he was upset. I never addressed what i looked at. He then said that i needed to respect his privacy, which i agreed to. Later I slept over and from there we went to sleep. He does talk in his sleep. So eventually he started talking in spanish, while touching me intimately. This made me wonder if it was actually me he was envisioning. I did not confront him the next day, but later went on and continued about my day. We then talked yesterday and he said that he was going to a coworkers gathering on this upcoming friday. That he was thinking of carpooling. When I asked who, he mentioned that it was in fact the coworker he had been texting. I have not seen him since the sleep talking incident. I actually was sick, he did offer to bring me something, but I haven't spent time with him since. For me him schoosing not to see me for days and to go to this gathering would be wrong. I'd even say it is him being as close to being unloyal. I feel as though he may be entertaining this thought and feeding into this other person. So if he does show up I plan on possibly breaking up with him. Do i seem that I reading into this too much or is this considered a deal breaker?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. It's possible he has a thing for this coworker. How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? Have you met her?
    Originally Posted by Vval
    Recently he mentioned a new co worker and how she just recently started at his workplace and she is the only one to speak spanish as he does. We then talked yesterday and he said that he was going to a coworkers gathering on this upcoming friday.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    OP, I think this is already over, and neither one of you wants to admit it. I am sorry.

    Next time, go slower and wait for your trust to catch up.

  4. #4

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    We have been dating for 6 months and we are exclusive. I have not met her.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Seems like he has a crush on his coworker. At 6 months, you should still be at the can't keep your hands off each other stage. If his eyes and mind are already wandering, probably best to call it a day on this. You two just aren't a match and trying to make anything work at this point would be a waste of time. Time you can spend better meeting a better guy for you.

  7. #6
    Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He may not be a bad person, per say, but his behaviour is not conducive either to a smooth relationship. I think you've spent your time gathering your information but you haven't explicitly told him that she is not welcome in your lives. If he doesn't know this explicitly and clearly and you haven't taken the time or have felt uncertain/not sure how to voice your opinions, now is your opportunity. You will come off as a hard person, you may even be labeled or called names and rejected for the way you feel, the way his behaviour makes you feel and you may even be blamed for a lot of things. If you are afraid to tell someone that certain items or events or people are not welcome, try to get past this because it may be a learning curve for you.

    You should remind yourself that life is about learning, no matter how difficult. Believe in what you feel is right for you but don't be blinded in believing that what's right for you is right for someone else. He may miss his home (if this is tied to his home town and origins) and find that speaking in another language with someone else reminds him of home or he is afraid of losing something more valuable than a relationship: his linguistic skills or ability to speak and connect with an idea of a place that has existed long before you ever showed up on the scene.

    So do what's right for you and be loud and clear when you find something unacceptable. Don't be afraid to walk away from it.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    This reminds me why I like to date women who speak-a-da-English!!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    We have nothing to go off of. If you flat out stole the dude's phone and took it to the bathroom to Google Translate his texts... that's a whole lot of "wow." I can't imagine how your more "subtle" manifestations of insecurity may have presented prior to that, but if he wasn't checked out before, I'd be 100% certain that if he's got so much as a gram of self respect, he's checked out now.

  10. #9
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    Im so sorry you are going through this. I think rejection is the mosf painful emotions there is. Have you considered talking to a counselor? Sometimes it just helps to talk. When I was going through a really hard time, I talked to my pastor and I saw a Christian counselor. Both gave me the support I desperately! needed and good, sound advice. Maybe they can help you too. :) Do you have anyone like that in your life that you can talk to? I wish I had the answer to your question but one thing I know for sure is that you are worthy! I will be praying for you this week, for Gods direction in your situation and for peace with your decisions. You are not alone. Big hug.


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