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Is this cheating or should I get over it?


Kdawg1993

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So my boyfriend and I started hooking up around New Years and have been in an exclusive relationship for two months. My problem is... his last girlfriend has two kids that he parented during the relationship. He proposed to her and she flat told him no and left him for his best friend. Fast forward 6 months we are together and they talk every day via messages and Snapchat. He claims they only talk about the kids but they literally talk almost all day every day. I’ve told him that it bothers me and I feel like I’m his rebound and just his second choice since she doesn’t want him (so she claims) but he’s not willing to cut off communication “because of the kids.” Am I overreacting about it and need to just accept the fact that they will remain friends? Or are his actions disrespectful to me in a way that I should leave the situation?

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How long after they broke up did you get together? How long were they together? Unfortunately, you can't stop them from talking, but you can take note of this and decide if you want to be a third wheel in their relationship and his attempts to get her back.

have been in an exclusive relationship for two months.

they talk every day via messages and Snapchat. He claims they only talk about the kids but they literally talk almost all day every day.

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No neither of them are his. One is 16 and the other is 2. I told him I didn’t mind him talking to the kids as the 16 year old has his own phone and they do occasionally talk. He talks to his ex every day and he sees the 2 year old maybe twice a month

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Is the biological father of the children in the picture? If they just dated for a year, it's not enough to parent children so this is not a co-parenting situation. I'd proceed with caution as if this woman left him not long ago for his best friend, he might have too much baggage for a relationship with you or you can indeed be his rebound.

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There is no reason for them to be talking everyday, in my opinion.

 

First of all, these aren't his kids, so there is no need to talk about custody or child payments or when he is going to pick them up, etc.

 

Secondly, they didn't date long enough for him to become that close to the kids. The 16 year old wouldn't see him as a parent with that short of time. The 2 year old might but even then, no need to be talking to the mother like that.

 

The most he would need to talk to her would be if they mutually decided that he could see the kids once in a while (on his own and without her around).

 

But seeing as they are talking daily, this isn't about the kids. They are using that as an excuse and are obviously not over one another.

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This sounds like a you have gotten yourself into a mess. Just describing his ex's situation makes me wonder why he would want to stay connected to that situation at all.

 

They dated a year so how invested can he be?

 

I think you are right that he isn't over her and is using the kids as a reason to stay close to her hoping she will change her mind.

 

I am pretty sure you know what you need to do but just need others to let you know it is okay to walk from this relationship, if you can even call it that since he has never been all in with you.

 

I am confident you can do better, don't you agree?

 

Lost

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That’s how I feel about it. I feel like it’s excessive communication about kids he has no parental commitment over. His friends all dislike her and say that she used him for money during their relationship. He is still helping financially support the kids and claims that’s what they talk about. Is it selfish that I think he needs to move on?

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She may not want him, but he still desperately wants her and is inserting himself into her life daily. The kids are an excuse. If it was about the kids, he'd be spending less time talking to the mother and more time scheduling and spending time/doing activities with the kids. After just one year dating, his kids excuse is really quite thin and it is just an excuse to maintain daily contact with the mother.

 

I think your instincts are correct that you are just a rebound/third wheel in some unfinished business between them and should probably walk away from this before you get more invested and more attached. It's just not a good place for you to be in.

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That’s how I feel about it. I feel like it’s excessive communication about kids he has no parental commitment over. His friends all dislike her and say that she used him for money during their relationship. He is still helping financially support the kids and claims that’s what they talk about. Is it selfish that I think he needs to move on?

 

After 2 months in I think I would be more inclined to move on myself vs. trying to get him to move on. He isn't over his ex and from the sounds of it you are the rebound he is using to try and get over her.

 

Consider letting this one go and finding someone that is willing to commit himself entirely to you instead.

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Also I'm concerned with the fact that he choose a to keep daily communication for someone who supposedly hurt him by dumping him for his best friend (is this even true?). Most emotionally healthy people would stay away from someone who's hurt them that way and someone who has such a messy past like his ex. Also I find it a red flag that after 1 year of dating and after such ugly break up he's supporting the children financially. There's zero reason for him to talk to her every day and to still be so connected to her specially being in a new relationship now.

 

It seems like he's not over her despite what she's done to him and is putting her above everything. It's not appropriate all this contact considering all the details you gave to us about their relationship and her children.

 

How's the relationship with you in general?

 

At such early state of your relationship I'd try to move on because I see plenty of red flags here and potential for you to be hurt in this future. He doesn't seem ready to date and hasn't moved on from her yet.

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Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.

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Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.

 

I understand, from an outsider perspective and according to what you're telling us, your gut instinct seems to be right (most of the times our gut is right).

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Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.

 

Wow....that's seriously messed up. Stop fighting with him. He knows what he is doing and he doesn't care. Just walk away from this messy situation. In the future, use dates to observe. When you see bad behavior, especially repetitive bad behavior - don't bother fighting or trying to correct. Drop the guy cold. When dating, you need to be quite ruthless, so you weed out quickly people who are in a bad place, unhealthy, bad for you, and so on. Always listen to your gut and don't try to rationalize it away or make excuses for why you should put up with shady behavior.

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Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.

 

For what it's worth, I would not tolerate this at all. I know it isn't easy to just break up with somebody, but I feel like if you stay in this relationship, you'd just be struggling to get attention from your own BF, which is ridiculous.

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The beginning part of a relationship is a chance to observe someone and get to know them and what their life is about. It’s not a time to ask for changes. It’s a time to see if you are compatible.

 

What you have observed is that this guy has a lot of ridiculous baggage that he’s kind of making up. He’s trying to be a parent to children that are not his and that he has no moral or financial obligations to.

 

I don’t think you should be trying to change this anymore than you should try to get an alcoholic to be sober or to «fix» someone who is financially irresponsible, etc. Your role is not to be «savior». The role you are aiming for is «equal partner with someone who makes sound decisions». These are choices that he is making. And further - if you try to change him, it can lead to resentments.

 

I get it, though... you clearly have a good heart and want to «love unconditionally». That’s admirable. But there is a time in a relationship to «assess» and a time to «love unconditionally». At 2 months in, you should be at the assessing stage to determine whether it’s wise to love unconditionally. I don’t think this is a wise choice of partner to love unconditionally. He’s simply not in a «making solid decisions in life» stage.

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I would tell him, "I adore you and can picture us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to tend to your old business, and if you ever find yourself completely free and clear of that--and completely done with your ex--you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish you the best."

 

It's perfectly reasonable and natural to want exclusivity and loyalty, but it's not reasonable or manageable to enter someone else's situation and attempt to change it. Either someone is dating material, or he's not--the goal of dating is to find that out. You've found out that he's not, so your options are to stay in this and squelch your resentment and be miserable, or you can cause friction that makes him resentful and miserable with you, or you can preserve any future potential by walking away cleanly and leaving your door open if things change.

 

If you walk away and never get back with him, then that tells you that no future potential really existed in the first place, and you'll thank yourself for not wasting your time. If you walk away and he pursues you after cleaning up his old business, then you'll thank yourself for your foresight and courage.

 

Head high, and be smart.

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Your instincts are right, he is still hoping and praying she will change her mind and is remaining close to her for that reason alone.

 

No woman in her right mind would tolerate a man speaking to his "ex" like that.

 

Walk away and don't look back. You deserve better.

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