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Thread: Is this cheating or should I get over it?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    She may not want him, but he still desperately wants her and is inserting himself into her life daily. The kids are an excuse. If it was about the kids, he'd be spending less time talking to the mother and more time scheduling and spending time/doing activities with the kids. After just one year dating, his kids excuse is really quite thin and it is just an excuse to maintain daily contact with the mother.

    I think your instincts are correct that you are just a rebound/third wheel in some unfinished business between them and should probably walk away from this before you get more invested and more attached. It's just not a good place for you to be in.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kdawg1993
    That’s how I feel about it. I feel like it’s excessive communication about kids he has no parental commitment over. His friends all dislike her and say that she used him for money during their relationship. He is still helping financially support the kids and claims that’s what they talk about. Is it selfish that I think he needs to move on?
    After 2 months in I think I would be more inclined to move on myself vs. trying to get him to move on. He isn't over his ex and from the sounds of it you are the rebound he is using to try and get over her.

    Consider letting this one go and finding someone that is willing to commit himself entirely to you instead.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Also I'm concerned with the fact that he choose a to keep daily communication for someone who supposedly hurt him by dumping him for his best friend (is this even true?). Most emotionally healthy people would stay away from someone who's hurt them that way and someone who has such a messy past like his ex. Also I find it a red flag that after 1 year of dating and after such ugly break up he's supporting the children financially. There's zero reason for him to talk to her every day and to still be so connected to her specially being in a new relationship now.

    It seems like he's not over her despite what she's done to him and is putting her above everything. It's not appropriate all this contact considering all the details you gave to us about their relationship and her children.

    How's the relationship with you in general?

    At such early state of your relationship I'd try to move on because I see plenty of red flags here and potential for you to be hurt in this future. He doesn't seem ready to date and hasn't moved on from her yet.

  4. #14
    Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kdawg1993
    Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.
    I understand, from an outsider perspective and according to what you're telling us, your gut instinct seems to be right (most of the times our gut is right).

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kdawg1993
    Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.
    Wow....that's seriously messed up. Stop fighting with him. He knows what he is doing and he doesn't care. Just walk away from this messy situation. In the future, use dates to observe. When you see bad behavior, especially repetitive bad behavior - don't bother fighting or trying to correct. Drop the guy cold. When dating, you need to be quite ruthless, so you weed out quickly people who are in a bad place, unhealthy, bad for you, and so on. Always listen to your gut and don't try to rationalize it away or make excuses for why you should put up with shady behavior.

  8. #17
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kdawg1993
    Our relationship has been rocky because every time we go out and try to have a night out together he’s on his phone talking to her which sparks a fight. I knew I needed to leave the relationship I guess I needed validation from you all to tell me my gut instinct was right.
    For what it's worth, I would not tolerate this at all. I know it isn't easy to just break up with somebody, but I feel like if you stay in this relationship, you'd just be struggling to get attention from your own BF, which is ridiculous.

  9. #18
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    The beginning part of a relationship is a chance to observe someone and get to know them and what their life is about. It’s not a time to ask for changes. It’s a time to see if you are compatible.

    What you have observed is that this guy has a lot of ridiculous baggage that he’s kind of making up. He’s trying to be a parent to children that are not his and that he has no moral or financial obligations to.

    I don’t think you should be trying to change this anymore than you should try to get an alcoholic to be sober or to «fix» someone who is financially irresponsible, etc. Your role is not to be «savior». The role you are aiming for is «equal partner with someone who makes sound decisions». These are choices that he is making. And further - if you try to change him, it can lead to resentments.

    I get it, though... you clearly have a good heart and want to «love unconditionally». That’s admirable. But there is a time in a relationship to «assess» and a time to «love unconditionally». At 2 months in, you should be at the assessing stage to determine whether it’s wise to love unconditionally. I don’t think this is a wise choice of partner to love unconditionally. He’s simply not in a «making solid decisions in life» stage.

  10. #19
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Wow, just wow - So he has become fake parent and husband to the other woman and her kids. He needs to cut ties with her or with you - there can be only one girlfriend.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would tell him, "I adore you and can picture us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to tend to your old business, and if you ever find yourself completely free and clear of that--and completely done with your ex--you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish you the best."

    It's perfectly reasonable and natural to want exclusivity and loyalty, but it's not reasonable or manageable to enter someone else's situation and attempt to change it. Either someone is dating material, or he's not--the goal of dating is to find that out. You've found out that he's not, so your options are to stay in this and squelch your resentment and be miserable, or you can cause friction that makes him resentful and miserable with you, or you can preserve any future potential by walking away cleanly and leaving your door open if things change.

    If you walk away and never get back with him, then that tells you that no future potential really existed in the first place, and you'll thank yourself for not wasting your time. If you walk away and he pursues you after cleaning up his old business, then you'll thank yourself for your foresight and courage.

    Head high, and be smart.

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