My LDR boyfriend of 7 years shocked me

This is going to be long.

First, I was in a LDR relationship with this guy for nearly 7 years. He’s a western non religious guy from an English speaking country I’m a Muslim girl from an Arabic country. I’m liberal in most of my ways so we both found a common understanding.

The first 6 months or so we were just friends and then he told me that he likes me, I was so realistic and I told him that I come from a culture when these relationships aren’t acceptable and that he would have to convert and all, and I don’t think it’s ok to convert just for someone. He said he doesn’t mind and if that what it takes to be with me he would do it. In my defense I tried to explain the situation to him many times and how difficult it could be but he kept saying he believes this will work out. He was excited planning things with me, we were talking literally daily the communication was excessive. He would go to places and show me every place he goes to, he would send pictures of him with his sport mates, his family, his colleagues and I was doing the same. We both were so involved in everything.

A year after I was pressured to get into an arranged marriage I tried to reject but the pressure was too much so I just accepted.

I sent this guy a long email telling him everything and how the pressure was too much and how him and I have no future together. He understood and told me thanked me for explaining everything to him. So I cut him off for 3 months

3 months after, I wanted to checkup on him he replied instantly. It turned out he sent me an email explaining how he was hurt that I disappeared from his life for 3 months and that he doesn’t understand why would I cut him off if I’m getting married. Why can’t we be friends so I agreed and we became friends for months things were tough with me getting married to someone I don’t want to be with and all. After few months he said he loves me and all those feelings sparkled again, my wedding was close and he said he wanted to meet me so he took a long flight to my region to see me and I could only see him for 10 minutes he kissed me it was my first kiss ever and I fell so hard for him so I was torn and feeling terrible.

Two weeks later I got married we were in touch he was supporting me I was having a hard time with the husband fighting on our honeymoon I was verbally abused, it was a horrible time of my life. He was there for me though reassuring me making things better for me, he asked me to escape everything and come to his country and that he will take care of all the paper work. I told him it’s hard to do that now.

A month after, I got divorced, the guy was so happy to hear the news he started planning everything with me how he will come meet my parents to get engaged to me and all these things, I was happy planning with him too. After my divorce I was bitter and angry so I started being needy fought over anything and it was a terrible time. His plan was to finish his studies move back to his dads to save money to move to my region.

A year later, we weren’t in a good place we fought and I was tough on him, one time he went to attend his friend’s wedding he didn’t message me when he went to bed or in the morning for the first time I was worried I called him and there was no response. Then, he called and said he got so drunk and was blacked out and that day something seemed off.

The next morning, he sent me a message saying he met an old friend and they reconnected and that I told him during a fight maybe we need a break to meet other people and that he fell out of love with me he thinks he need that now so he left. I was so broken but I didn’t contact him at all. A week later, he sent me an email saying he didn’t meet anyone and that he still loves more than anything else but he just needed a break and didn’t know how to end things with me. And that he’s not in a good place and he’s seeing a counselor I felt so guilty I blamed myself so much, I cried so much, I thought my bitterness cost me a guy who loved me so unconditionally. I tried to work things with but he wasn’t in a good place yet he kept sending me emails every now and then.

3 months after, he came back to me he apologized to me and we rekindled things. It was the same he was caring loving, he was always there for me. The only difference is I changed I became more free, independent I told him I’m ready to be with him and I’m willing to talk to my family and that will accept it now. He was resistant every time he brought an excuse, I tried to leave many times, but he held me back and he cried whenever I told him I’m leaving we were stuck for 3 years he was there for me daily, he didn’t want to let go of me, yet he wasn’t ready to step up to do anything. He asked me to meet in person and when I planned a trip he started making excuses of how he can’t come so I was done I cut him off. Then, he contacted me again apologizing saying that he will come to see me so he flew all the way to see me and we spent an amazing week together. He was so amazing, he swept me off my feet. When it was time to leave he cried so hard he broke down and asked me to marry him I said yes I’ve been wanting to get married to you since forever I’m so ready and he said he will be ready too.

We went to our homes we talked daily as usual there were ups and downs. It’s been a year and a half since our last meeting, we were together everyday, he kept saying he wants to see me again and I told him I’m willing to meet you anywhere whenever a serious trip plan comes along he would start making excuses.

Last summer I felt like I’m so done and I’m waiting for nothing so I told him I’m going to talk to my parents he said talk to them now. I talked to them they agreed to meet him. Then, he started making excuses of why he can’t come which embarrassed me in front of my family I felt awful and told him then you should have not told me it’s okay talk to them I want to meet them!

I gave him a deadline and told him if you couldn’t make us official by that date then I’m done I can’t stay in a LDR longer and I want to move forward either with him or alone, I don’t want to be stuck anymore. He said we won’t be and that he will come to meet my parents, he even asked me to show him the kind of rings I like he planned everything with me our engagement, our wedding etc

Our deadline was the end of September, so that day came and he sent me something saying: I’m sorry I don’t have it in me I ruined your life I’m terrible I can’t come I have too many fears and doubts.

I was hurt but I thanked him for being honest and I told him then that’s it. We were on cam so he broke down so hard was crying so hard and asked me to just chatting cause he can’t control his tears. I asked him to take a deep breath and he was so emotional I was super hurt but I was being logical I told him I understand it’s not an easy situation but I’m happy that you’re honest with me and I do really wish you’ll find the one who will make you happy. He cried and said that I’m the one and he knows in his heart that I’m the one for him but he’s just too weak to do what it requires to be with me. I asked him why? If it’s the converting part I told him it will be just on papers to be able to get married in my country I don’t really care about his beliefs I didn’t really want to convert him or change his life and he knows it. He said even the move to move to my region isn’t easy for him I told him but I can move to your country I’m willing to. He said he knows but the process of getting me to his country might take 2 years and it might even get rejected. So I told him then we stand no chance no need to stay in this painful cycle forever. He said no but I want you I said you can’t just have me “ online “ not fair to me and not fair to you either.

I asked what doubts he had if they are about us, he said some of them are about us like we fight sometimes maybe we will fight and won’t be happy together etc I was hurt and told him if you’re doubting us then that’s it. He cried and asked me to stay he said he doesn’t doubt his love or I’m the one for him he only doubts few things but he knows in his heart that he loves me beyond world and that he wants a life with me.

I told him that I’m sorry but I gave him all kind of options and solutions and that I’m getting older and I can’t stay stuck in an LDR relationship forever. He asked me to stay he was crying he asked me to start therapy together. I tried to calm him down.

He asked me to give him more time to think just one day. I told him I’ll give you a week but please I need a final decision wether it’s a final breakup or a plan to move us forward.

Then I started counseling and my counselor told me that losing his mom effected him so he really so attached to you but he just can’t get closer for any reason I told him that and he said it’s true he’s afraid of losing me somehow, he’s afraid of getting too close then losing me. I told him you need to start counseling too not for me, not for us. For your own self and that I want you to forget about us for a while to focus on your well being. He started counseling he supported me I supported him he joined one of my sessions we were doing amazing we didn’t fight the last 5 months, he was there for me everyday telling me he believes in his heart that this year we will be together.

He was so sweet so loving so caring they were such happy amazing 5 months.

Everything was great until I told him that I’m gonna travel solo and I want him to join me if he can he was so excited and told me he can’t wait to come see me! He was happily planning it with me until I gave him the dates then he started acting a little bit weird and started making excuses but then he said it’s ok book your flight and don’t worry trust me I’ll be there he avoided the topic for a while and when I asked him why doesn’t he talk about it at all he said he is reserved about it now because he wants to confirm the flights then he will plan it all with me. I told him that makes sense.

Last week was amazing we spent lots of time together, then out of no where he sent me his wedding invitation and told me that he is a terrible person and that he was engaged since August. So during the deadline I gave him he wasn’t planning to get me a ring he bought it for someone else. When I tried to end things in September he was already engaged yet he fooled me around with his tears and his words. He was engaged this whole team yet playing with my heart for 6 months having me believe that’s he’s working for us while he was working on his engagement to someone else. I felt so naive and stupid. What hurt me the most isn’t how how fooled me around, what hurt me the most is the fact that he turned to be someone brutal a side that I’ve never seen in him. He took advantage of me, he used me and betrayed me and it’s the last thing I expected from him.

I feel weird I blocked him everywhere and I blocked his number, so I didn't wait for any explanations that's why I'm shocked and lost.

Why did you copy and paste it twice?

I'm sorry it was by mistake, because when I copied it the first time it didn't appear so I had to copy it again. I edited it now though. Thanks

I only skimmed over your post because it's so long. People who subconsciously aren't ready to deal with REAL local relationships use online "relationships" as a tool for connecting on a level that still keeps a person at arms length away. There's nothing real about speaking to someone you've never met in person. I did OLD for several years, and before you meet, it's all a fantasy. Before meeting a guy I was excited about their photos, their texts, their phone calls. 9 out of 10 times when we actually met, either one or both of us lacked chemistry, or their personalities sucked, or they lied about their age or height or dating goals.

It takes dating a boatload of people before finding the one. I went on dates, most not going past the 1st date, with about 30 men before finding my future husband. It's all about cutting the guy loose as soon as you see a dealbreaker. And if a guy didn't ask to meet me within 2 weeks of speaking, I moved on.

You haven't even met him and you're speaking of marriage? 7 years without meeting? This is insane. With the way you go about dating, I'd be surprised if you find "the one" before age 98. If there are no single men your age in your local area, move.

I read the whole thing and all I can say is wow, I’m so sorry OPer, what a piece of work, I’m so sorry.

I only skimmed over your post because it's so long. People who subconsciously aren't ready to deal with REAL local relationships use online "relationships" as a tool for connecting on a level that still keeps a person at arms length away. There's nothing real about speaking to someone you've never met in person. I did OLD for several years, and before you meet, it's all a fantasy. Before meeting a guy I was excited about their photos, their texts, their phone calls. 9 out of 10 times when we actually met, either one or both of us lacked chemistry, or their personalities sucked, or they lied about their age or height or dating goals.

 

It takes dating a boatload of people before finding the one. I went on dates, most not going past the 1st date, with about 30 men before finding my future husband. It's all about cutting the guy loose as soon as you see a dealbreaker. And if a guy didn't ask to meet me within 2 weeks of speaking, I moved on.

 

You haven't even met him and you're speaking of marriage? 7 years without meeting? This is insane. With the way you go about dating, I'd be surprised if you find "the one" before age 98. If there are no single men your age in your local area, move.

Sorry it’s long, and you didn’t read it so you misunderstood many things.

He flew all the way to see me after a year of our online relationship. Both of us fell hard for each other more in person. We went for a trip together and we spent a week together in person and it was amazing both of us cried so hard when he had to say goodbye.

I’m not some unrealistic person who would fall for someone and stay with them that long without spending time with them in person.

And I’m moving, I’ve deleted him from everywhere. I started counseling, I’m doing ok but it doesn’t mean I’m not lost or shocked still.

Thanks for your response and I’m glad you found your future husband. Congratulations

I read the whole thing and all I can say is wow, I’m so sorry OPer, what a piece of work, I’m so sorry.

Thanks so much for reading the whole thing, I know it’s so long. Thanks for your response.

And it’s okay I will be fine.

I don't even know what to say OP. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I hope that as you read this back to yourself, you notice some patterns, clues for the future - on again/off again, a lot of promises that never get carried out, lots and lots of high emotions and crocodile tears that kept you hooked and forgiving him over and over. The most manipulative thing of all is how he came around as you were getting married. Talk about interfering in your life and while that may seem romantic and is touted in rom coms, in real life, that's a red flag the size of China. He was/is a manipulative psycho and I actually feel sorry for whoever he is marrying. What a mess. I just hope that you use this experience to learn from in terms of what to avoid, what signs and clues to look for so you never get caught up like that again. Btw, he isn't a victim of anything, he is a perpetrator of lies and leading a double life and cheating. Please don't use the excuse of his mother as to why he is the way he is. Everyone loses their parents sooner or later - we don't become psychopaths as a result.

How much time have you spent in person with him?

From what I read, he flew over once, spent 10 minutes with you, kissed you, then he left and you got married. Then he flew over a second time and you spent a week together.

So, am I correct in saying you have spent a week and 10 minutes physically together?

If so, it's too bad this continued for as long as it did because it didn't have any basis in reality. He should have told you he had no intention to make this fantasy a reality.

I don't even know what to say OP. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I hope that as you read this back to yourself, you notice some patterns, clues for the future - on again/off again, a lot of promises that never get carried out, lots and lots of high emotions and crocodile tears that kept you hooked and forgiving him over and over. The most manipulative thing of all is how he came around as you were getting married. Talk about interfering in your life and while that may seem romantic and is touted in rom coms, in real life, that's a red flag the size of China. He was/is a manipulative psycho and I actually feel sorry for whoever he is marrying. What a mess. I just hope that you use this experience to learn from in terms of what to avoid, what signs and clues to look for so you never get caught up like that again. Btw, he isn't a victim of anything, he is a perpetrator of lies and leading a double life and cheating. Please don't use the excuse of his mother as to why he is the way he is. Everyone loses their parents sooner or later - we don't become psychopaths as a result.

Thanks for your response, it truly made me feel so much better about this. You’re so right there were clues and patterns but I always fell for his tears he manipulated me for so long and I fell for it, but as you said it’s a teaching lesson.

How much time have you spent in person with him?

 

From what I read, he flew over once, spent 10 minutes with you, kissed you, then he left and you got married. Then he flew over a second time and you spent a week together.

 

So, am I correct in saying you have spent a week and 10 minutes physically together?

 

If so, it's too bad this continued for as long as it did because it didn't have any basis in reality. He should have told you he had no intention to make this fantasy a reality.

Yes, you are correct. However; we spent so much time together online, for so many years I knew every little thing about him.

When we met in person it didn’t even feel weird we were having the same conversations that we have on the phone or on cam. I did tell him that maybe it’s an issue for him and he said he knows me better than anyone else and I know him more than anyone in the world, he kept saying he doesn’t even need more time in person to know that I’m the one for him.

And to be honest he wasn’t idle, he was applying for jobs in my region. He contacted few westerners that I work with at work as I work in an international organization with expats from all over the world.

He even sent me his resume to try and find him jobs on me own. The agreement was he lands a job moves here as he always wanted to work abroad, spend more time with me in person. Then, meeting my parents and all so I never doubted his words.

You’re right though this was all a fantasy.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The best lies are always sprinkled with bits of truth. This guy certainly sprinkled enough truth and actions to keep things going with you.

I mean even people who are married, living together end up missing clues to their SO's double life, cheating, lies, etc. Plenty of that around. It's not even about online/real life. It's just learning to pick up on the little inconsistencies, clues, broken promises and learning how to be not only more vigilant, but more ruthless in cutting those kinds of people off. Learning to listen more to your gut and reading between the lines, your gut was screaming at you for quite some time. After what you've been through, it sounds almost like you could write a book on that or start a blog, once you reflect fully on everything. Evil people do walk among us and they often look innocent and friendly. The proverbial wolves in sheep's clothing.

Well, when there is that much drama and it's not even a solid relationship yet, it's probably a clue that it's not a match. Try dating somebody locally.