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Thread: Feeling stuck in a relationship (too much texting)

  1. #11
    Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm curious why she needs that attention from you when you're not together in person and why you feel obligated to respond. I'm sensing insecurities on both sides. Have there been any issues of infidelity in the past between the both of you or is either one of you more social(wider social circles) than the other?
    Hi, Rose**** Welcome. Glad to see you here.

  2. #12
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    Wow how suffocating. The last time I saw a bf literally everyday for many months on end was when I was 18 (and it was my bf at the time that wanted to see me daily). She needs a life and you should talk to her about it. I'm surprised you haven't left, I'm not sure if I could handle so much communication and lack of space.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean, have all the talks you want. But you spare yourself the trouble if that dynamic doesn't change ricky-tick. Sorry to say, but people generally don't just go from an 80 to 10. Give her a chance but don't sacrifice your happiness for it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    How old are you two? I'm suspecting teenagers. Teen girls seem to be an insecure lot, always wanting attention and being ready to say YOU DONT LOVE ME! if you dont text as often as she thinks is needed. Tell her what you told us. If she cries or whines then she's showing her immaturity.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    OPer I wish i could pin this post SO many base so much of their relationship on texting now a days, thereís literally two posts on the splash page with subjects of not being texted enough, thereís dozens more recent posts,and these posts usually go pages and page and pages with the person trying to figure out how to get the person to text more.

    Itís interesting to see the other side of the coin

    I donít think you should dump her, why? Because that girl is just like the many other needy insecure posters here and 9 times out of 10 they want help to fix it, so why would I not give you that same advice?

    Communicate.

    Set your boundary and stick to it

    At the end of the day this neediness is rooted in insecurity. So try to do something each day to help her feel secure. Itís kinda like having a hungry dog and youíre feeding it snacks all day instead of giving t a big mean at the beginning of the day it can revisit the rest of the day whenever he gets hungry.

    Sheís needy. Doesnít mean sheís a bad person, but you have to set boundaries and let her know in no uncertain terms you will not sooth her like this any longer. It isnít healthy.

  7. #16
    Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MareGraphics
    Me neither, thats what's bothering me. In person we both enjoy, I can see it on her face that she's happy.
    About feeling obligation to respond, to be honest, I don't know.. come to think of it, I just don't know..

    No, we have never had any issue like that, just her jealousy, she's so jealous, but when it comes to me, she has no reason to be, I'm always loyal, honest and i put all of my effort into our relationship.
    Now when it comes to social circles, I used to be much more social, I had like so many friends, girls and guys. She was always a shy one. I'm still very social person, but when it comes to her, well, she doesn't even want to be around when I'm with a company because she's shy
    Her insecurities sound very painful...my heart actually hurt reading that. She has to learn to trust you at some point or the relationship won't survive. This is a learning curve that she has to make but you shouldn't feel that it's your responsibility to help her learn that. If you love each other, as others have pointed out, you'll both find a way but it will take two to tango. Never feel obligated to fix someone. You do owe it to yourself to remain happy, feel loved and love someone truly in a relationship without heavy feelings (or the burden) of fixing him or her.

    Hi Sarah, thanks. Nice to see you.

  8. #17
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    She is insecure to the point of being controlling.

    You say she is a very jealous person. This constant need for texting is her way of checking up on you; if you don't respond on her timeline, she assumes you are up to no good. It's not about her need for attention as much as it's about her desperately trying to soothe her baseless fear and suspicion.

    And it needs to stop. She is going to strangle the life of out of this relationship. This isn't solely about her generation, either. There are plenty of young folks who keep digital communication at a reasonable level with their partners. Sit her down and explain that while you love her, you cannot be expected to be glued to your phone and hop to attention every time she demands it. It is unrealistic and unfair. If she cannot reach a compromise and turns it into a discussion about you not "loving" her enough, I would strongly encourage you to reconsider the relationship. Your definitions of "love" might just be too incompatible.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This type of text tethering is more about controlling behaviors and distrust. Just put an end to it. Do not acquiesce to this type of imprisonment. Simply do not answer harassing levels of texts. You are not an electronic babysitter for spoiled divas. This is about you, not her. It's your phone, your time and your call who you text, how much, etc.
    Originally Posted by MareGraphics
    The problem is that we are spending TOO MUCH time texting, that's what she calls "attention", when I don't answer ti her message for like 5 minutes she's like "Oh you are not giving me enough attention blah blah" . we see each other everyday

  10. #19
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Oh wow, I would not last long in that relationship.........I'm lucky if I text back within 24 hours!

    Tell her the truth, you are busy. Say you'll talk when it really counts, when you see her.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MareGraphics
    Yeah, I understand that. Yeah I should do that.
    Knowing her, she would probably understand that as "me not loving her"
    That's actually emotional manipulation on her part. You see her as this shy flower, but in reality she is an insecure control freak and it's eating away at your own emotional health and well being, thus you are posting here.

    Thing is that healthy relationships aren't that much work. Please don't confuse the "I invested so much work to keep this relationship together" with love. It's not the same thing. Investment can make you feel like you can't walk away, but a bad investment never gets better. It just sucks the life out of you.

    If you want to continue dating her, you are actually going to have to figure out how to set and enforce healthy relationship boundaries and learn how to say "no" to her no matter what tantrum she pitches at you. This is important in any relationship, but particularly when you are dealing with insecure controlling personalities. Expect that she will pitch massive tantrums, especially initially as she fights to regain control. If you want this relationship to survive, then stand firm on your boundaries. If she can manipulate you out of your position either through tantrums, or tears, or emotional guilt tripping......well.....this suffocating situation will continue until you break so to speak.

    Btw, if you find yourself gradually giving up your hobbies, interests, friends to pacify your partner....beware....you are dealing with a highly toxic person and a toxic relationship that will drain the life and energy out of you over time. When you are looking at your sister, you are seeing what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. If you can't talk to your partner openly without it leading to major drama and no solutions, consider that you are better off loving them from far far away, aka end the relationship.

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