Feeling weird about buying a vibrator...

So, let me start this off by saying that I'm a 34 year old single mom of two (an 11 and 4 year old). I'm basically a soccer mom and other than work, all that I do is drive my kids around to wherever they need to go. I've been separated from my husband since June of last year. He basically was cheating on me, but when we had sex, I never felt like he really was attracted to me so I never really enjoyed it. So that made it so that, towards the end, we barely ever had sex. It's been well over a year since I've had sex, or done anything sexually. I haven't even really thought about it and even if I did, I've always been around my kids...

Well, lately, I've been thinking about sex a lot and notice how much I miss it. This thought alone makes me feel weird. I don't find myself attractive, really. A part of me thinks that I'll probably never have sex again. Like I said, I don't find myself very attractive, I have baggage, I'm not into casual sex, I'd want to be in a serious relationship if I do. :-( but like I said, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. So last night, I ordered a vibrator. And I feel so gross about it now, even tried to cancel the order but they said its too late. I feel like I'm too old to think about this stuff and I have kids, and now I just feel really bad about it.

Am I weird for thinking about sex? I feel like having a vibrator in the house with two kids is just terrible and I'm so scared that someone is going to find out. And why am I thinking about all of this stuff now...I just feel dirty :-(

If you feel odd about it, then buy one of those little bullet ones that don't look like a sex toy. Sex or anything pertaining to sex is not dirty. No one is going to know, and TBH no one is even going to care if they did because most people have one too. I think you should give yourself a break...please be positive, because you deserve this. it's a nice safe way to have some pleasure.

Don’t feel weird! This will be good. Just keep it hidden from your kids and it’ll be fine. You go girl :)

Is there any particular reason for your negative point of view regarding sexuality?? Why do you think having sexual desires is bad or dirty??

We are human, it’s a healthy part of our nature. I have several toys, kept away in a nightstand, that my daughter has never found. It is NORMAL and HEALTHY to have these desires and you should oblige yourself!! Sex is beautiful, natural, and necessary. It’s how we reproduce, we were intended to have sex. Don’t try to fight that!

I agree with Indea and would like to ask you, OP, why you have such a negative image of yourself. I also notice a lot of feelings of shame which I'll take a stab in the dark about and guess that might have to do with the manner in which you were raised and/or religion extremes..but I don't know and that's not important.

Do you want someone to tell you that it's ok and natural, and that you have nothing to be embarrassed about? You got it! Come where when you're unsure and we'll talk you through it.

Your past sexual experiences is NOT an indicator of your future ones. Your experience is that you were married to a jerk who apparently didn't care for your feelings or perspective. But he was wrong and there are people out there who would absolutely satisfy you.

It is okay to see yourself as a sexual being. Even when your children are adults and you're getting to retirement age, you will STILL be a sexual being and it is okay, even healthy, to see yourself thus.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed at all. You ordered that vibrator for a reason, and hey, that company (as well as so many others) are in business for a reason!

I am also disturbed by the fact that you don't think you're attractive. Please don't do that to yourself. Look in the mirror right now and think of what is amazing about you. For starters, you have a job, are a single mom, and take amazing care of your children. Again you have nothing to be ashamed of - your ex does because he is the one who deceived you and broke his vows.

I wish all the best to you.

~LC

Look, just because you're a mom does not mean your sexuality goes out the window. Please, don't feel like you're too old for this. I'm only 2 years younger than you and you're making ME feel old :) I have a vibrator in my nightstand and my 2 year old has never found it.

You seem to have a very strong negative view on sexuality though and I can understand how your experience with your ex husband has left you raw and vulnerable. You know, maybe if you get a nice haircut, some new beautiful clothes and start working out when you can, you'll be able to improve your body image and automatically start viewing yourself as the sexy woman I'm sure you are. Try not to lose yourself in the role of being a mother.

Here's a funny story. I used to have a giant vibrator, and I mean an awful pink, veiny thing that my fiance (bf at the time) and I got as a joke originally. I had just moved to a new place and took some photos of each room to send to my mother and grandparents. Well, the vibrator was sitting behind a staircase that had a giant mirror behind it and I didn't see it when I took the photos. When I sent them out to my family, I could see the damn thing in the mirror "hidden" behind the stairs. It was horrifying... Nobody ever mentioned it and I still don't know if they saw it or not.

Well, I'm a guy, and I would definitely feel weird if I bought one of those things

What? so yer a butt plug kinda guy then?

What? so yer a butt plug kinda guy then?

- Oh my!

my message is too short, too short, too short, it won't let me post. I'm just a bad man and I like it!

You are still young, why do you see yourself in such a bad light?

Give yoursrlf permission to think if it in a positive abd maybe even humorous light.

But do ensure the kids don’t find it.

My ex had one and one of the kids heard her using it in bathroom. Some things are loud. Anyway, the kid insisted on what was going on in bathroom.

She said she had cramps, doing a health thing. You know, white lie?

A few days later the kid found the toy and went eunning through the house talking about her cramps getting fixed as she pressed it “there.”

Locked box!

You are young. You gotta do what you gotta do! Use the vibrator!

Why do you think so poorly of yourself?

Give yoursrlf permission to think if it in a positive abd maybe even humorous light.

 

But do ensure the kids don’t find it.

 

My ex had one and one of the kids heard her using it in bathroom. Some things are loud. Anyway, the kid insisted on what was going on in bathroom.

 

She said she had cramps, doing a health thing. You know, white lie?

 

A few days later the kid found the toy and went eunning through the house talking about her cramps getting fixed as she pressed it “there.”

 

Locked box!

That's hilarious.

Well, this thread got me thinking. I don't plan on being in another relationship in a while considering what I'm going through now.

So I just ordered several toys for myself. Never had them before, but no shame in it either. I'm a 29 year old male.

I have always been a highly sexual person but as a child, my parents were so repressed that I thought it was a bad thing. I don't remember what the turning point was... perhaps when I got my first toy and realized how good it felt to give myself an orgasm. It took some time and some therapy but I eventually embraced my sexuality and the freedom I felt exploring the different things I like. It helps that I have some girlfriends with dirty minds that support me in that exploration :)

Sexuality is natural and part of who we are. It's one of the 4 F's that come from the oldest part of our brain... Fight, Flight, Food and Fornication. Sexuality is instinctual and while yes we do need to be mindful of how, who, and when... there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel sexy or wanting to have an orgasm! It's a feeling of freedom that's hard to achieve any other way. :)

Is there any particular reason for your negative point of view regarding sexuality?? Why do you think having sexual desires is bad or dirty??

 

We are human, it’s a healthy part of our nature. I have several toys, kept away in a nightstand, that my daughter has never found. It is NORMAL and HEALTHY to have these desires and you should oblige yourself!! Sex is beautiful, natural, and necessary. It’s how we reproduce, we were intended to have sex. Don’t try to fight that!

I don't know if it's that I feel dirty about it, but for some reason it feels weird for me to do it when the kids are home, like at night. I don't know...I know it's normal, but maybe it doesn't feel normal for me, but I'm going to attempt to try to fix that...hopefully this is the first step!

Thank you.

Thank you everyone.

I don't know why I've got this view of myself...I've always been the really shy, quiet person...and maybe I've been doing everything for everyone else for so long, it feels weird to actually get something for myself, especially something like that... but I'm going to try to take care of myself, too, now so this is the first step. I'm going to try to enjoy it and find a nice hiding spot for it...lol...

Thank you guys, you did make me feel better about my decision...I'm still a little freaked out about someone finding it, but I'm excited too.

No, you are not weird.

Get yourself whatever you want to try. Have fun.

It's better than a rebound.

From a guys perspective, I think as a middle aged, single women, it’s more weird if you haven’t got one.

I’ve dated a handful of single mums from 28 to 47 over the last 4 years and all had a viabrator or two and one had over 20!! of various different styles.

Funny story, my ex wife used to send me into adult stores to buy hers (A 40 year old mother of 4) Usually there were men managing the store and really didn’t have much interaction with me. I picked what my ex might like and hoped the manager didn’t think it was for me.

The last time I went to a store, I was shocked to find a very attractive woman serving. I tried to avoid eye contact and look inconspicuous. I was horrified when she asked if she could help me. I reluctantly told her I was shopping for my wife.

Well 30 minutes later I finally left the store with 3 items, but not before having an extensive and very detailed account of what she liked, the positions she used them in and the techniques she used to achieve a more “intense climax” She even put batteries in a few and got me to feel them.

It was a very unusual visit to the Adult store and a very graphic learning experience😳

 

The last time I went to a store, I was shocked to find a very attractive woman serving. I tried to avoid eye contact and look inconspicuous. I was horrified when she asked if she could help me. I reluctantly told her I was shopping for my wife.

 

Well 30 minutes later I finally left the store with 3 items, but not before having an extensive and very detailed account of what she liked, the positions she used them in and the techniques she used to achieve a more “intense climax” She even put batteries in a few and got me to feel them.

 

It was a very unusual visit to the Adult store and a very graphic learning experience😳

Same sort of story - I was sent on a mission to acquire a butt-plug. Nice young lady at the shop asked sensible intended use questions, explained the advantages of the one she recommended, and was quite sure that I should get the metal one that went in the dishwasher

Omg RayRay and Matt, you guys are awesome.

I’ve got to get my husband to do this 😂😂😂

I was raised in a culture where sex before marriage was bad and maturbation was a sin...I discovered these good bits very young. And it's embarrassing and dirty. Girls are supposed to be virtuous, sexless. Men had mistresses to do the naughty stuff while their wives were missionary position and sex was for procreation...you've heard all the stories. And it's time to get over it. As I've been out in the dating world with some sexual experiences, people are becoming a bit more open and bold. This is always something that was highly private; not really discussed...we have hangups. The world is shifting to a more openness about these matters.

I understand the embarrassment. Whenever I have made such a purchase, I get a fraud alert from my bank. Thankfully I can manage this online and confirm it's legit...and yeah, embarrassing; my purchases are clocked and noted. The first time I bought myself a handy tool (sexual satisfaction was also lacking in my marriage), I had to go to an actual store. It was a bit mortifying, as they opened up the package and tested it because there are no returns....I kept telling myself, this is their job and they deal with this all day long, every day, and certainly they've encountered way more weird and kinky things beyond a vibrator. Get over it. We have needs.

Just be sure to tuck it away where the kids won't easily find it, and teach them not to go into your drawers or belongings...the night stand is the private drawer, but the sock drawer is fine if you need socks or want them to collect a pair for you. If they're young enough they crawl into bed with you in the night, you have to be diligent about tucking it away before you fall asleep. Enjoy the ride; you'll learn some things about your body, and may find this enhances your sexual life sometime down the road when you're ready to jump in the saddle again.

Try to erase the negative thinking. The four F's, and we are sexual beings, and it's totally okay to cover these needs solo, and the reality is, if you don't know what gets your rocks off by yourself, how can you instruct your partner? If you're busy being embarrassed over a normal function, it makes it very hard to relax and enjoy.

I am only 18 and probably don't really know how you are feeling, but I am a woman and I know we have every right to feel the pleasures of sex or even pleasuring ourselves. There is definitely nothing wrong with that. If you feel having the vibrator in the house with your children is scary get a lock box for it when you are not using it. You have every right to pleasuring yourself.

Girl, get yourself some toys and enjoy!