Single always

Ok I’ll just put it out there I really want a boyfriend but am having the hardest time meeting someone who is interested in me and vice versa. I’m quite shy and have a really hard time showing a guy I am interested in real life and online well I’ve been on a few dates, none have worked out, most have not liked me and some I have not liked. I’ve even lowered my standards and that didn’t work either. I don’t know what to do? I’m sick of being single always. My relationships in the past usually only last a few months and end pretty badly. I can’t flirt with guys either, I just feel like they will be repulsed by me. I’m not super repulsive, I have good hygiene, we’re normal kind of fashionable clothes (have my own style), am a bit alternative, keep fit, am socially awkward, and kind. The feedback from bfs I have had is they always think I’m not into them (even when I extremely am) maybe I come across as asexual or something? Being shy I’ll admit I only have a tiny circle of close friends so don’t have the opportunity to meet friends of friends and so forth. I’m 32 by the way. Any advice??

You seem a little self-consumed and negative. I don't blame you because you are unhappy and that's why you're here. Try not to let that negativity overrule your general attitudes to life and the things you hope to accomplish. You didn't mention any of your hobbies here and maybe that's because you're not comfortable sharing what you do in your free time (with strangers or with your dates). Do you work or have career goals? How do you feel about your future? We have now heard all about how you feel about your past and present. In order to be successful at anything, you should be able to not only have a good grasp of what your past and present are but visualize what you want for yourself out of your future realistically.

I'd say that first you need to work on your self esteem, because if you don't like yourself, it will make it harder for anyone else to either. People are attracted to confident people, and a positive person who is average looking will attract more people than a 10 who is down on themselves, because their thoughts of being on the verge of being repulsive will either come out in words or attitude. Read some books and articles on how to achieve that. Most of it stems from the self talk that goes on in our heads daily, i.e, I'm having a good hair day. These jeans look good on me. I'm a good friend who others can always rely on. I make damned good cookies.

When you've improved in that area, join meet up.com for singles in your age group. You can get to know guys gradually who regularly show up for the activities. To show interest, think about what you like from a guy when he shows interest in you. Probably complimenting his hair or clothing. Asking non-intrusive questions to show your interest in him like if he has any pets, what kinds of movies he likes to watch, if he's lived in the area all his life, etc. Keep normal eye contact and smile at him when it's natural to do so. Touch his arm for emphasis when you're talking or if he makes you laugh.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Get a part-time sales job so you can learn to socialize with people

You seem a little self-consumed and negative. I don't blame you because you are unhappy and that's why you're here. Try not to let that negativity overrule your general attitudes to life and the things you hope to accomplish. You didn't mention any of your hobbies here and maybe that's because you're not comfortable sharing what you do in your free time (with strangers or with your dates). Do you work or have career goals? How do you feel about your future? We have now heard all about how you feel about your past and present. In order to be successful at anything, you should be able to not only have a good grasp of what your past and present are but visualize what you want for yourself out of your future realistically.

I work in a science based job but can’t say I enjoy it nor do I have career goals. I used to have hobbies (bike riding, surfing, mountain climbing, arty things) but now I just don’t find much of it fun anymore - I still try and do it but it’s more like going through the motions rather then doing it for fun. I know my negative is probably subconsciously pouring through me and I’m working on changing that, I really am .

I'd say that first you need to work on your self esteem, because if you don't like yourself, it will make it harder for anyone else to either. People are attracted to confident people, and a positive person who is average looking will attract more people than a 10 who is down on themselves, because their thoughts of being on the verge of being repulsive will either come out in words or attitude. Read some books and articles on how to achieve that. Most of it stems from the self talk that goes on in our heads daily, i.e, I'm having a good hair day. These jeans look good on me. I'm a good friend who others can always rely on. I make damned good cookies.

 

When you've improved in that area, join meet up.com for singles in your age group. You can get to know guys gradually who regularly show up for the activities. To show interest, think about what you like from a guy when he shows interest in you. Probably complimenting his hair or clothing. Asking non-intrusive questions to show your interest in him like if he has any pets, what kinds of movies he likes to watch, if he's lived in the area all his life, etc. Keep normal eye contact and smile at him when it's natural to do so. Touch his arm for emphasis when you're talking or if he makes you laugh.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thanks for your advice, I know that’s definitely true that confidence is very attractive. I know when I was so in love with one bf I was so happy and at the time 3 other guys asked me out (which never ever happens!) and I think the only thing it must of been was how happy I was shining through (my looks or anything else hadn’t changed) and I’d love to get back to that feeling of happiness on my own (without needing someone else to make it) but it’s a struggle, things in life are so much better shared. I do listen to podcasts all the time on self motivation and they are pretty empowering for a while. Thanks I’m in a meet up group for friends but I might try join one for singles also and see what happens.

Get a part-time sales job so you can learn to socialize with people

Ive worked in sales in the past, my current job requires me to deal with customers (not selling but problem solving) and I don’t really have time for another job at the moment. But thanks for your advice.

Thanks for your advice, I know that’s definitely true that confidence is very attractive. I know when I was so in love with one bf I was so happy and at the time 3 other guys asked me out (which never ever happens!) and I think the only thing it must of been was how happy I was shining through (my looks or anything else hadn’t changed) and I’d love to get back to that feeling of happiness on my own (without needing someone else to make it) but it’s a struggle, things in life are so much better shared. I do listen to podcasts all the time on self motivation and they are pretty empowering for a while. Thanks I’m in a meet up group for friends but I might try join one for singles also and see what happens.

I think you have answered one of your questions here. What was it exactly that made you so happy about the relationship you were in? What did you like about the person? What did you like about yourself at the time? How could you get some of those feelings back in your life today?

At the end of the day everyone has negative thoughts and bullies but it's up to us to stop them and focus on being positive and doing things we can look forward to. It all starts with you... you need to be happy with yourself and your life before you can be happy in a relationship.

I think you have answered one of your questions here. What was it exactly that made you so happy about the relationship you were in? What did you like about the person? What did you like about yourself at the time? How could you get some of those feelings back in your life today?

 

At the end of the day everyone has negative thoughts and bullies but it's up to us to stop them and focus on being positive and doing things we can look forward to. It all starts with you... you need to be happy with yourself and your life before you can be happy in a relationship.

I was so happy because he made me laugh so much and vice versa, everything just seemed so fun when I was with him id think about him and it would make me smile all the time, which must of made me more approachable. I’ve tried to get it back because I know it was me, he bought out something in me that I already had but find it hard to bring out myself by myself or no one else has been able to either since, I’m like the opposite now. I don’t walk around moping or anything I’m still smiling etc but it’s almost just a cover and more of a fake smile and happiness which must be apparent.

Why not get a good check up from a doctor to rule out any physical reasons you feel down and get a referral to a therapist to sort and talk some of this out. A new perspective may help the feeling of defeat and hopelessness. It's normal to feel lonely after a breakup, but you seem unable to recover almost 3 years later and seem unable to connect to others.

I really really really miss my ex boyfriend. We have been broken up 2.5 years and I can’t forget him. He has reached out to me three times in the time we have been apart, the most recent was last November saying how he much he missed me and would love the chance to even just be friends.

Why not get a good check up from a doctor to rule out any physical reasons you feel down and get a referral to a therapist to sort and talk some of this out. A new perspective may help the feeling of defeat and hopelessness. It's normal to feel lonely after a breakup, but you seem unable to recover almost 3 years later and seem unable to connect to others.

Thanks, I am currently seeing a doctor regularly for a physical illness I have but don’t think it is affecting me mentally (well not about this particular issue) and definitely don’t want to be prescribed anti depressants again as I feel that just masks the problem and stops you from trying to change your situation, but yeh this feeling listless all the time isn’t helping either . Your right though, I am finding it hard to connect to other people, it just seems so hard and not natural. I may make another appointment with my therapist, she is really nice and sympathetic but sometimes I feel like it’s just like talking with my mum or a close friend and doesn’t change my thinking very much ...

I just feel like they will be repulsed by me.

If this is what you believe, then it's the source of your problem, and I'd address it with a therapist who's trained to help people work through this stuff.

There's nothing attractive about self loathing. You can't hide it--it comes out sideways in everything from your body language to what you say. So fix THAT, first, and trust that the rest can fall into place once you reach higher ground.

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So rejection speaks of another's limits in what they want for themselves rather than as any reflection on us. Most perfectly good people will NOT strike the kind of simpatico we each seek--that's because our lenses don't match, not because there's anything inherently 'wrong' with either person.

Unless and until you can grasp this without spinning it into 'repulsion,' you can't grow into relationship material--which begins with a healthy enough acceptance of Self before trying to attach to another. Start there, and start training your mind to view bad matches as something to move beyond rather than beat yourself up over.

From there, I'd consider setting up quick meets over coffee with lots of potential dates after work. If they don't show, take your coffee with you and nothing is lost. If they do show, rules are that neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This spares you from spending full dates with bad matches, and it takes squirmy rejections stuff off the table.

Quick meets, say, 15 to 30 minutes, are a way to meet lots of people to eventually stumble on a good match. Most will NOT be good matches, and this is true for everyone.

Head high.

If this is what you believe, then it's the source of your problem, and I'd address it with a therapist who's trained to help people work through this stuff.

 

There's nothing attractive about self loathing. You can't hide it--it comes out sideways in everything from your body language to what you say. So fix THAT, first, and trust that the rest can fall into place once you reach higher ground.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So rejection speaks of another's limits in what they want for themselves rather than as any reflection on us. Most perfectly good people will NOT strike the kind of simpatico we each seek--that's because our lenses don't match, not because there's anything inherently 'wrong' with either person.

 

Unless and until you can grasp this without spinning it into 'repulsion,' you can't grow into relationship material--which begins with a healthy enough acceptance of Self before trying to attach to another. Start there, and start training your mind to view bad matches as something to move beyond rather than beat yourself up over.

 

From there, I'd consider setting up quick meets over coffee with lots of potential dates after work. If they don't show, take your coffee with you and nothing is lost. If they do show, rules are that neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This spares you from spending full dates with bad matches, and it takes squirmy rejections stuff off the table.

 

Quick meets, say, 15 to 30 minutes, are a way to meet lots of people to eventually stumble on a good match. Most will NOT be good matches, and this is true for everyone.

 

Head high.

Thanks for your feedback on the situation. The quick dating idea sounds good and I would love to not take rejection as personal but it’s hard not too sometimes. Especially when you hear lots of guys just go it with a girl because she is “pretty” and the other stuff doesn’t matter all that much. I feel like if I had a bit of spark in my personality it would be easier - I honestly feel so dull and boring and bored. Even with my friends I feel like that, it’s ok for the first 5-10 min then I want to go home and be with my dog and cat.

It would be best to have a talk with your doctor about your chronic illness, depression, the purpose of medications, any side effects, etc. and that since you discontinued the medication many of your depressive symptoms have returned. Short term dating is not a treatment for chronic illness or chronic currently untreated depression. In fact it's the other way around. The untreated symptoms are preventing you from forming healthy dating/relationship situations.

I am currently seeing a doctor regularly for a physical illness

definitely don’t want to be prescribed anti depressants again

Thanks for your feedback on the situation. The quick dating idea sounds good and I would love to not take rejection as personal but it’s hard not too sometimes. Especially when you hear lots of guys just go it with a girl because she is “pretty” and the other stuff doesn’t matter all that much. I feel like if I had a bit of spark in my personality it would be easier - I honestly feel so dull and boring and bored. Even with my friends I feel like that, it’s ok for the first 5-10 min then I want to go home and be with my dog and cat.

Then find an animal lover and bliss out with him.

There is no 'wrong' way to be you.

It would be best to have a talk with your doctor about your chronic illness, depression, the purpose of medications, any side effects, etc. and that since you discontinued the medication many of your depressive symptoms have returned. Short term dating is not a treatment for chronic illness or chronic currently untreated depression. In fact it's the other way around. The untreated symptoms are preventing you from forming healthy dating/relationship situations.

Thanks, I’m avid to avoid any medication for depression as they all have side effects and would prefer to change my situation in other ways, but I will def make another appt with my counselor and discuss with her