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Thread: Single always

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not get a good check up from a doctor to rule out any physical reasons you feel down and get a referral to a therapist to sort and talk some of this out. A new perspective may help the feeling of defeat and hopelessness. It's normal to feel lonely after a breakup, but you seem unable to recover almost 3 years later and seem unable to connect to others.
    Originally Posted by Boo1986
    I really really really miss my ex boyfriend. We have been broken up 2.5 years and I canít forget him. He has reached out to me three times in the time we have been apart, the most recent was last November saying how he much he missed me and would love the chance to even just be friends.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why not get a good check up from a doctor to rule out any physical reasons you feel down and get a referral to a therapist to sort and talk some of this out. A new perspective may help the feeling of defeat and hopelessness. It's normal to feel lonely after a breakup, but you seem unable to recover almost 3 years later and seem unable to connect to others.
    Thanks, I am currently seeing a doctor regularly for a physical illness I have but donít think it is affecting me mentally (well not about this particular issue) and definitely donít want to be prescribed anti depressants again as I feel that just masks the problem and stops you from trying to change your situation, but yeh this feeling listless all the time isnít helping either . Your right though, I am finding it hard to connect to other people, it just seems so hard and not natural. I may make another appointment with my therapist, she is really nice and sympathetic but sometimes I feel like itís just like talking with my mum or a close friend and doesnít change my thinking very much ...

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Boo1986
    I just feel like they will be repulsed by me.
    If this is what you believe, then it's the source of your problem, and I'd address it with a therapist who's trained to help people work through this stuff.

    There's nothing attractive about self loathing. You can't hide it--it comes out sideways in everything from your body language to what you say. So fix THAT, first, and trust that the rest can fall into place once you reach higher ground.

    Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So rejection speaks of another's limits in what they want for themselves rather than as any reflection on us. Most perfectly good people will NOT strike the kind of simpatico we each seek--that's because our lenses don't match, not because there's anything inherently 'wrong' with either person.

    Unless and until you can grasp this without spinning it into 'repulsion,' you can't grow into relationship material--which begins with a healthy enough acceptance of Self before trying to attach to another. Start there, and start training your mind to view bad matches as something to move beyond rather than beat yourself up over.

    From there, I'd consider setting up quick meets over coffee with lots of potential dates after work. If they don't show, take your coffee with you and nothing is lost. If they do show, rules are that neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This spares you from spending full dates with bad matches, and it takes squirmy rejections stuff off the table.

    Quick meets, say, 15 to 30 minutes, are a way to meet lots of people to eventually stumble on a good match. Most will NOT be good matches, and this is true for everyone.

    Head high.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    If this is what you believe, then it's the source of your problem, and I'd address it with a therapist who's trained to help people work through this stuff.

    There's nothing attractive about self loathing. You can't hide it--it comes out sideways in everything from your body language to what you say. So fix THAT, first, and trust that the rest can fall into place once you reach higher ground.

    Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So rejection speaks of another's limits in what they want for themselves rather than as any reflection on us. Most perfectly good people will NOT strike the kind of simpatico we each seek--that's because our lenses don't match, not because there's anything inherently 'wrong' with either person.

    Unless and until you can grasp this without spinning it into 'repulsion,' you can't grow into relationship material--which begins with a healthy enough acceptance of Self before trying to attach to another. Start there, and start training your mind to view bad matches as something to move beyond rather than beat yourself up over.

    From there, I'd consider setting up quick meets over coffee with lots of potential dates after work. If they don't show, take your coffee with you and nothing is lost. If they do show, rules are that neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This spares you from spending full dates with bad matches, and it takes squirmy rejections stuff off the table.

    Quick meets, say, 15 to 30 minutes, are a way to meet lots of people to eventually stumble on a good match. Most will NOT be good matches, and this is true for everyone.

    Head high.
    Thanks for your feedback on the situation. The quick dating idea sounds good and I would love to not take rejection as personal but itís hard not too sometimes. Especially when you hear lots of guys just go it with a girl because she is ďprettyĒ and the other stuff doesnít matter all that much. I feel like if I had a bit of spark in my personality it would be easier - I honestly feel so dull and boring and bored. Even with my friends I feel like that, itís ok for the first 5-10 min then I want to go home and be with my dog and cat.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It would be best to have a talk with your doctor about your chronic illness, depression, the purpose of medications, any side effects, etc. and that since you discontinued the medication many of your depressive symptoms have returned. Short term dating is not a treatment for chronic illness or chronic currently untreated depression. In fact it's the other way around. The untreated symptoms are preventing you from forming healthy dating/relationship situations.
    Originally Posted by Boo1986
    I am currently seeing a doctor regularly for a physical illness
    definitely donít want to be prescribed anti depressants again

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Boo1986
    Thanks for your feedback on the situation. The quick dating idea sounds good and I would love to not take rejection as personal but itís hard not too sometimes. Especially when you hear lots of guys just go it with a girl because she is ďprettyĒ and the other stuff doesnít matter all that much. I feel like if I had a bit of spark in my personality it would be easier - I honestly feel so dull and boring and bored. Even with my friends I feel like that, itís ok for the first 5-10 min then I want to go home and be with my dog and cat.
    Then find an animal lover and bliss out with him.

    There is no 'wrong' way to be you.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It would be best to have a talk with your doctor about your chronic illness, depression, the purpose of medications, any side effects, etc. and that since you discontinued the medication many of your depressive symptoms have returned. Short term dating is not a treatment for chronic illness or chronic currently untreated depression. In fact it's the other way around. The untreated symptoms are preventing you from forming healthy dating/relationship situations.
    Thanks, Iím avid to avoid any medication for depression as they all have side effects and would prefer to change my situation in other ways, but I will def make another appt with my counselor and discuss with her

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