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Thread: Should I reconnect?

  1. #1
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    Should I reconnect?

    I befriended 2 girls over the course of 2 months in a program, and we drifted toward the end. One big reason on my part was that they seemed ok with still mingling with this guy who was a jerk to me when I confronted him about something and they witnessed it. They did distance themselves from him, though. Once we drifted, I saw them talking to him and laughing about a lunch place and was disappointed in that because of how they saw him disrespect me. Edit: The guy made this sexual-type joke toward me, and I knew he did this with people casually, but with me he also gave me this look I didn't like. When I confronted him, I already said to him I understand it might have been a joke, but it made me uncomfortable. Somehow, I still ended up asking him after that what he meant by it, and he said he didn't want to say it because he could get in trouble by the program. My friends helped defend me, but they still gave him a hug before he left us even though he didn't apologize to me. I started seeing that they don't know how to be loyal. Afterward, we agreed that he wasn't allowed to be around when I was with them, but I told them I don't mind if they talk to him; I just can't be around, and I said that because we would still have to be around him in the program, maybe even work with him, but what I really wanted to say was I didn't want them talking to him outside of having to since they are my friends, but I thought that might be too controlling. And one of them actually did say that she thinks she might end up talking to him again when the program ends, just because she got along with him in the beginning and because she has a big heart since she thinks it's just that he's still immature.

    After we drifted, they texted me twice about stuff they needed, but not how I was doing, so I didn't respond. I called one of them a few times once we already drifted because I was going though something, but she never asked me about it, I don't know why. They started gradually doing things without me. Before the program ended, they said we should all go out to eat like how we used to, but they didn't make an effort like before that made me feel like they were all that serious about it. After, I created an instagram, and one of them added me, and I can tell they still talk, especially because they were always closer to each other.

    I don't know if this was just miscommunication. I miss the times we had, and I don't think they know how I feel because I never voiced it.
    Last edited by Oh me Oh I; 03-12-2019 at 03:01 PM.

  2. #2
    Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I catch your drift.

    If you miss the times you had with these two girls, why not call them and set up an outing for the three of you? Don't worry about some other guy who disrespected you. Just ignore him.

  3. #3
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    Well I understand what you mean about feeling uncomfortable about the sexual joke, if you're not into that guy and not close to him then he shouldn't have been acting so familiar with you. Can I ask what the joke was exactly? Do you think that guy was into you and was flirting with you? Did he stop once you said you didn't like it?

    Thing is, I think overall it's just an unfortunate situation but also yes I do think you were acting a bit controlling. I think if that guy never did anything else wrong after you told him you were uncomfortable, then in your friends' eyes he's probably not that bad. The other thing too is that while we may not like some people and don't want them around us, other people can still like them. Your friends like that guy and to be honest it's not really a good look to try to control your friends and tell them who they can and can't hang out with.

    Of course friends are supposed to be loyal, as you said. So maybe if this guy continued to harrass you then yeah it wouldn't be good if they weren't on your side. But if he only made one joke then stopped then I don't think it really warrants them having to completely dump his friendship.

    I mean, if you didn't like this guy then you didn't have to spend time with him but maybe you could have just been polite and "tolerated" him when he happened to be around.

    I think if someone's friendship does mean a lot to you (e.g. your two female friends) then you need to make provisions. For example, my best friend is friends with this guy who has been rude to me many times and isn't that fond of me. He does have autism and sometimes I think didn't even realise, but nonetheless has been very rude. I've never told my friend to not be friends with him and I even take interest in their friendship, like ask her how their catch up was, etc. My best friend is close friends with this guy so I think had I tried to make her end the friendship, it might have been me she dumped.

    I'm not sure if your friends thought you were being too dramatic and controlling about that guy and that's why they drifted from you. Also you said you only called your friend when you were going through something and you wanted support from her. Why didn't you contact her just to say "hi" and talk about HER other times too? Friendship is not just one-sided.

  4. #4
    Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're allowing your misgivings to consume you and your network doesn't want to be around you anymore. Try to put that aside if you can. It's eating you up and turning you into a negative person. Most people don't have enough energy or want to deal with that type of aura. Don't let this get the better of you. You're so much more than that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're expecting too much from acquaintances/classmates. They do not have to be enemies with your enemies. That is not "loyal", it's manipulative and you're not going to have many friends trying to form these type of alliances. Deal with people by yourself. You don't need a gang or clique behind you.
    Originally Posted by Oh me Oh I
    I befriended 2 girls over the course of 2 months in a program
    The guy made this sexual-type joke toward me, and I knew he did this with people casually, but with me he also gave me this look I didn't like.

    My friends helped defend me, but they still gave him a hug before he left us even though he didn't apologize to me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you're fond of the friends outside of the grudge you're holding because you can't control who they speak to, then decide whether you want to allow this guy that much control over YOU and your opportunities.

    We each get to choose how we will respond to our own experiences. Deciding how others 'should' respond to them is outside of that scope.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Ah yes, another guy with a potty mouth. They are a dime a dozen.

    So these friends of yours weren't too friendly. Who cares? - there are millions of people in the world, you can find a few good new friends.


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