Am I blind?

My partner and I have an open relationship. It's been that way for many many years.

One of our friends (who also has benefited on and off on a rare basis over the past few years) that I know quite well has really confused me.

He has been having a rough go of late and has been living in our granny flat for a year. Not that he lives in our pocket, but he is around regularly.

After spending the day chatting away, he divulged that he had been thinking about me more than he should be. That he sometimes misses me while I'm at work (I work nights). I didn't see this coming at all. Did I miss the signs? What should I be looking for?

I'm in a loving relationship of 20 years and yes, he knows everything.

Just needing some advice on how to back off gently I guess

My partner and I have an open relationship. It's been that way for many many years.

 

he divulged that he had been thinking about me more than he should be. That he sometimes misses me while I'm at work (I work nights). I didn't see this coming at all. Did I miss the signs? What should I be looking for?

 

I'm in a loving relationship of 20 years and yes, he knows everything.

He knows you have an open relationship. Maybe he's trying to tell you he'd like to join in.

If you have sex with a guy on and off, then, yes, you saw it coming. Sharing physical intimacy, then taking him into your home, and obviously your partner is fine with the openness - the guy is naturally going to have attachment to you. To me, you have been playing with fire and his feelings. So -- either you have an open relationship and you have two men who sleep with you and care about you - or you decide you are actually committed to a loving relationship with your partner of 20 years and you close the relationship and kick everyone else out. Or you decide you are not so committed to your partner and break it off.

^^^^ I couldn't agree more.

 

You can't have it both ways. You can't boast an 'open' relationship and then get freaky when someone shows interest.

 

If you want to back off, then back off. Surely you're capable of saying, "I don't think it would work with us right now." and leave it at that.

Just needing some advice on how to back off gently I guess

Why not just tell him that you don't have thoughts of him when you're away from home and that you only view him as a friend with (occasional) benefits. Tell him that although your sex life is not a monogamous one, your love life is and your heart is with your husband.

 

Then ask him when he'll be finding his own place because you think that he needs to distance himself in order to cool his jets about you (use your own wording, of course).

Why not just tell him that you don't have thoughts of him when you're away from home and that you only view him as a friend with (occasional) benefits. Tell him that although your sex life is not a monogamous one, your love life is and your heart is with your husband.

 

Then ask him when he'll be finding his own place because you think that he needs to distance himself in order to cool his jets about you (use your own wording, of course).

 

^This. This is the kind of a situation where the kindest thing you can do is to speak plainly and directly and leave nothing to hope or imagination or misinterpretation.

 

Overall, you are old enough to know that intimacy tends to make people bond. Between previously sleeping with him and now him being/living in close proximity, a growing attachment really shouldn't surprise you. It's quite natural and very predictable. This situation is quite different from just casually sleeping with someone in that here, you do have greater bonds and now the living situation as well.

Well if you're not interested in this friend for more than sex then I would say yes, you definitely just need to be upfront with him and tell him you don't feel the same. If he can't accept it then maybe he will have to move out of your place. What are the rules of your open relationship though? Are you allowed to date other people?

Am I blind?

My partner and I have an open relationship.

 

Sure. Isn't this just one way of putting blinders on?

I know people who have open relationships, and this lover of yours has crossed the line. You have to give him an answer and that is NO. It's not going to happen and you will can longer sleep with him. Tell him to move on.

I know people who have open relationships, and this lover of yours has crossed the line. You have to give him an answer and that is NO. It's not going to happen and you will can longer sleep with him. Tell him to move on.

 

Hasn't the OP crossed the line by inviting him to live with them -- even if is a separate entrance, etc.? And having him being a repeat customer to their "open situation"

Sometimes when you play with people they can catch feelings. This comes as a surprise to you?! You play, you pay.