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Thread: Feeling stuck, have been for a while now.

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2019

    Feeling stuck, have been for a while now.

    I'm 24 and have been with my fiancÚ for 5 years, though we were on and off at first as he was having a lot of issues with drug use in the beginning. We've been engaged for a little over a year and have lived together roughly 2 years. He has Aspergers, I should also mention.

    I've not been interested in being intimate for several months now. Partly it's because I get fatigue from having scoliosis and this also causes me some discomfort almost all of the time. Not excruciating pain, just a constant nagging discomfort that does also get me down at times. I work full time, am in an online college and still need to make time for chiropractor visits. Anyway I've been trying to get to the bottom of why I've lost interest in that because I know that it can't just be my physical issues.

    In truth, it's a lot. But the main things that get to me about him or make me a bit uncertain are that he doesn't follow through with things often; for example he got his driver's ed certificate 3 years ago and still has not gone to the DMV for his test. I ask about it, and he just says it will get done but it never does. Over the past 5 years that I've known him, he really does not take the initiative to take me on dates. Dates aren't a big deal to me, not really, but it would be nice if I weren't the one suggesting ideas when we do go out.

    Recently I've also had to pull more of the weight financially because he's been short on half of his share of rent. He gets paid more than I do, though I find it ironic that this started happening after he was made aware of my refunds from school being in my bank account. Another thing is this issue with his friends. He doesn't always go out with friends, really, but I find it off putting that he always says he misses me yet when we finally get to spend time together on Sundays, he is making plans with his friends rather than with me. I mean we live together, but doing something nice here and there would be a plus... Over all I believe there's just something there that isn't cutting it for me... and I keep telling myself I don't ask for much, this shouldn't be that important should it? But at the same time it's all becoming an issue. I realize I have to be the one to initiate a lot of the time and that he often won't get things done. When he says he will and then doesn't it just gives the impression he's not reliable, and I realize this is problem for me...

    A week ago, he resorted to looking at porn for the first time in a while after I made it clear this was a huge, HUGE deal breaker for me. Though I know he did it because I haven't wanted to be intimate with him because of these other things pestering me. Still, I ing hate that he's resorted to that again after being clean for so long... it makes me feel like it's becoming impossible to build a good foundation at this point. I asked him about that and he said it was a way of "being vengeful" towards me. I assume for not having sex with him and that just makes me sick to my stomach. It's just rough because I don't know if it's his aspergers issue playing into the responsibility portion of things... He's been great at being there for me emotionally and being 'present', usually. But at times he'll stay up all night on his game etc and ugh. I just don't know what the hell to do anymore and I am so stressed out. The last thing I want to have to do is break a damn lease, though all at once a large part of me wants to quit everything; this relationship, my job and move in with mom, focus on my doctors visits and start over... It's been 5 years. I'm beginning to think it's hopeless and that this isn't right for me :/ thanks for any input..

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    You are not compatible. This sounds like a miserable relationship. So many red flags. Why would you continue to strap yourself down with this?

  3. #3
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    You have a lot of contributing factors that don't help to bring a loving, committed and trusting relationship.

    Many in the engaged phase realize why we don't get married in Vegas on a whim. The engagement period is great for working out differences.
    Some do throw in the towel if the issues are truly deal breakers and only become obvious when living together.

    The soul searching really is on you. Do you really love this person? For richer or poorer, sickness and health, etc.

    Your last few sentences make me think that you are not "all in" for the relationship and you have genuine uncertainty about getting married.

    I would suggest pre-marriage counselling. Yes, it's a thing. Much better to get it sorted out now then after kids and a mortgage.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Have you made absolutely sure that he understands the issues you are having with him? Sometimes being blunt is the only thing that works. You are reconsidering the relationship. You tell him this and you tell him why.

    If he's not willing to communicate and work on showing you love, move on.


  6. #5

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Hi yugen611,

    Men feel "renewed" in a relationship through sex. You have a medical condition that is in the way. I think porn is the short term solution to your problem, you should try to embrace it. I myself tried to get my boyfriend to stop watching it, but then realized if I am not able to provide that type of intimacy to him on a regular basis, I have no right to request that of him. You said it is a deal breaker for you, must step back and look at your situation. Sex to men is what gifts and gestures are to women.

    The rent situation seems dodgy, please stop enabling him by paying his half.

    Your problem is complex and needs professional counselling.

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Coming from a Man, 26 who watches porn pretty frequently, maybe im addicted idk, but ill say you two definitely need to communicate more on whats bothering You, he needs to grow up and stop being vindictive just because you are Not in the mood for intimacy, YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING. He knew what the rules were coming into the relationship, so he needs to put his pride aside because hes not getting any, and be there for you. He needs to get his ing liscense before he gets ing pulled over, and he needs to follow through when he says hes gonna do something. Im not gonna be the one to tell you that you should End it because Alot of these issues sound like they can be resolved just by talking More.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    While reading your post I found a lot of similarities with my own current situation. In my case I know that my boyfriend and I are not compatible in the long term, but I am also scared of breaking up because I will be entirely alone and miss the emotional support. Yet I know that in the next weeks or months we will inevitably break up because that's best for me.
    If you want to talk for mutual support feel free to message me (assuming this website allows private messaging?)

  9. #8
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Oh boy. Well, he's got Aspergers so that's problem number one, sorry to say.

    The other issues, he's not romantic (no romantic dates, looking at other women, not helpful enough financially [porn]). The first thing I would say is cut off sex and then explain your needs when he comes cryin'. But that's not an option. Who dropped the ball firt? - you with no sex or him with no romance/domestic support?

    I will say some people under 27 are too young to fall in love. And he may not be a catch anyway.

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