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Thread: Cheating? What would you do?

  1. #1

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    Cheating? What would you do?

    My husband and I have been together over 10 years and we have 4 young children. We have been concentrating on our children quite a lot, and each of us concentrating on our work, that it has meant our marriage took the back seat.

    My husband started talking to another woman online. After a very short period of time he confided in her about some issues from his past that had been bothering him. She supported him and he grew feelings for her and connected with her on a spiritual level. After just 2 weeks of talking, he said she is his soul mate and he's never felt this way about anyone else before. He knows when she's awake or asleep and they finish each other's sentences. He didn't disclose this to me - I logged onto his chat program and read it myself.

    I confronted him - and her too!! She wasn't aware he was married and living with his wife and children. She has gracefully ended it with him and blocked him on all the chat programs they used. Which is great for me, because I love my husband and want to seek counselling to work through this bump in the road...

    The only issue is, I can't seem to get over the betrayal. It's still early days as it's only been 2 weeks since I found out about the other woman. We haven't started counselling yet (there is a 3 week wait period). My husband says he loves me and wants to be a family, but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him.

    I am not a spiritual person, so he tells me I don't understand the connection he felt with her... Is it really possible to fall in love with someone online in just two weeks?! They didn't even talk on the phone because of the language barrier!! I am trying to convince myself that he's suffering a mid-life crisis or some sort of breakdown due to the issues from his past that he spoke with her about. He said the reason he confided in her was because if it got too much for him, he could just delete her contact and shut the issues out again. He didn't confide in me because it would be too real and he would need to work through the issues, there would be no way to take it back.

    I just want to believe that what he had with her isn't real!

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Unsure28
    My husband and I have been together over 10 years and we have 4 young children. We have been concentrating on our children quite a lot, and each of us concentrating on our work, that it has meant our marriage took the back seat.

    My husband started talking to another woman online. After a very short period of time he confided in her about some issues from his past that had been bothering him. She supported him and he grew feelings for her and connected with her on a spiritual level. After just 2 weeks of talking, he said she is his soul mate and he's never felt this way about anyone else before. He knows when she's awake or asleep and they finish each other's sentences. He didn't disclose this to me - I logged onto his chat program and read it myself.

    I confronted him - and her too!! She wasn't aware he was married and living with his wife and children. She has gracefully ended it with him and blocked him on all the chat programs they used. Which is great for me, because I love my husband and want to seek counselling to work through this bump in the road...

    The only issue is, I can't seem to get over the betrayal. It's still early days as it's only been 2 weeks since I found out about the other woman. We haven't started counselling yet (there is a 3 week wait period). My husband says he loves me and wants to be a family, but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him.

    I am not a spiritual person, so he tells me I don't understand the connection he felt with her... Is it really possible to fall in love with someone online in just two weeks?! They didn't even talk on the phone because of the language barrier!! I am trying to convince myself that he's suffering a mid-life crisis or some sort of breakdown due to the issues from his past that he spoke with her about. He said the reason he confided in her was because if it got too much for him, he could just delete her contact and shut the issues out again. He didn't confide in me because it would be too real and he would need to work through the issues, there would be no way to take it back.

    I just want to believe that what he had with her isn't real!
    I hate it for you as I am in a similar situation. I found out my wife was cheating on my very shortly ago. She moved out and already moved on with the other man while I am left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and shattered confidence.

    I only say that to say this. "You can't force him to change or be in a relationship with you."

    He has to want it. It sounds like he does not. What they had was very real. I assume he is only going to counseling to appease you because you found out. The relationship may be saved, but he is going to have to do the work and truly want it. Do not baby him and learn to respect yourself and your boundaries. This is the part I am struggling with learning.

    You have to forgive him, but you don't do that for him. You have to do it for you so you can move on. There is a very real chance you won't be able to get over the betrayal, and that is ok. If that is the case, you will have to just move on as I am trying to do.

    Good luck. We will get through this, with or without our spouses.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Well, I'd start with counseling and see how that works. If it fails, I'd kick his ass to the curb and get a lawyer. Spiritual level? Another phrase for having sex with....

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    How did he meet her? So after talking to a stranger for 2 weeks online (or did they meet in person?) and purpously hiding he's married, he decides she's his soul mate and tells you this? What was he expecting you to do with that information? Leave him?

    Is this the first time he cheats?

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Unsure28
    ...our marriage took the back seat.
    ^ that is your first problem.

    which led to this...

    Originally Posted by Unsure28
    My husband started talking to another woman online.
    Counselling is needed for sure. Second choice isn't what anyone wants to hear or be.

    With 4 young kids, marriage often does take a back seat, but with untimely circumstances and detriment to the marriage.

    While you wait for your counselling session, I suggest starting a journal. Write down some things that you may have been slacking in the marriage. Where can you improve?
    Ask your husband if he can do the same.

  7. #6
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    No, it isn't possible to be in love with someone you've never met, but the fact that he's got this particular infatuation does highlight that there's something severely lacking in your marriage, and the clue to this lies in your first paragraph.

    If you're concerned about their 'connection'... one of the things that's conspicuously absent from his supposedly intimate sharing was the fact that he was actually married!!! For some people who are feeling adrift, having the listening ear of a stranger who will not judge, who has time for them and has all the excitement of someone new will engender all sorts of crushes and infatuations - think about how many people fall in love with their nurses or doctors for example.

    In fact, if you read these forums you will see many posters who have 'met' someone online, never actually seen them in the flesh but are convinced they are in love. The tragic thing is that many of them are clearly being catfished, but their longing for a sense of connection outweighs their common sense.

    You are wise to attend counselling together, and it could be that he needs 1:1 counselling to get past the issues he's mentioned, but in a more appropriate way than finding someone online to fantasise about. Right now, he may feel as though you're his second choice because he's still experiencing a hormone-fuelled high for this other woman. But even in regular relationships, this high doesn't last, and it's only when it fades away that you can judge whether you're suited or not. So-called spiritual connections don't last unless they're backed up by more practical ones!

    Good luck with the counselling, and the fact that he seems willing to attend is very positive.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    "He didn't confide in me because it would be too real and he would need to work through the issues, there would be no way to take it back."

    That's the real crux of the matter. He has issues and he needs to confront them and deal with them. He can't continue to run away from them or find some random women online to cry to about it. The whole he doesn't want to deal with them....that ship just sailed. Literally.

    This is the kind of a situation where I think counseling will actually go a long ways to resolve things for the two of you. Especially individual counseling for him for whatever those issues are that he is bottling up and not dealing with.

    As for online chatting for a couple of weeks and she is his soulmate.....nope. This is your clue that your husband is emotionally disturbed and needs help to get his head on straight again. Lack of emotional health can lead to a lot of problems. As you both deal with this, you'll have to decide how it goes and whether your marriage will remain viable or not. Too early to make any decisions or judgments at this point. Plus you are dealing with your own shock of discovering this mess. So don't forget to be kind to yourself too as you are navigating this.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    No, you can't fall in love with someone in two weeks, especially if you've not met..it's just not possible.

    He was living a fantasy. He was in lust and assumed that their chats meant all sort of things. Things he felt he was missing. But it did not make any of it real.
    People can "date" for months on end from long distance and feel like they are in love, but end up meeting and realize that in real life it's massively different and find that there is no spark or chemistry.

    It sounds like your husband wants to believe in his fantasy. But it is all made up. He found someone to talk with, someone who said all the right things and heard him vent and listened to him.
    But it still does not mean it was real.
    Truth be told, people can pretend to be whomever they want to be online, but that doesn't mean it's who they truly are. It could be all a farce and a role they were playing.

    The unfortunate part now is, that he is treating you terribly and he is even telling you that you are second to this fantasy woman, which is incredibly unfair as you are married and you are the mother of his children.

    If you feel it is worth it, you can try marriage counselling and see if you and he can find your way back to one another. But the sad fact is, he's got it in his head to look elsewhere and is convinced that this woman is some kind of perfection.

    I'm not sure how to undo this.
    Do I think he might be having a mid life crisis? Yes, it's very possible. But I am not sure how much more damage he is going to do before he realizes it.

    I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope somehow you can remain strong, for your children and for yourself.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent you both agreed to counseling. Hope it works out and gives you a wake up call about getting so wrapped up that marriage takes a back seat.
    Originally Posted by Unsure28
    We haven't started counselling yet (there is a 3 week wait period). My husband says he loves me and wants to be a family, but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him.

  11. #10
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    It takes two to make a marriage take a backseat. Instead of planning dates, or buttering you up, he cheats on you. I don't care how much you love him - what he did is beyond selfish.

    I went through this over a year ago - 3rd time offense although the 3rd time was sexting, and he loves me and wants to be with me, not these other ladies. And your hubs thinks someone else is his soulmate? Honey, WAKE UP!!!! What he did and said is so beyond insulting, I'd like to throw all his stuff out on the lawn and burn it on your behalf.

    Tell him to go be with that woman, and let him experience reality and a wake-up call. Don't roll over. You know how long counseling can take to fix - years!!!! Years! And do you want to take years on a selfish man who could have hired babysitters or asked family to watch your kids while you got some alone time together or had a meal in peace together? Please, don't be a doormat. He needs more than couples counseling to jolt him that what he did was betrayal.

    I'd kick him out. If you wants this marriage (which I am sure he will), he will crawl back, rightly so.

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