Cheating? What would you do?

My husband and I have been together over 10 years and we have 4 young children. We have been concentrating on our children quite a lot, and each of us concentrating on our work, that it has meant our marriage took the back seat.

My husband started talking to another woman online. After a very short period of time he confided in her about some issues from his past that had been bothering him. She supported him and he grew feelings for her and connected with her on a spiritual level. After just 2 weeks of talking, he said she is his soul mate and he's never felt this way about anyone else before. He knows when she's awake or asleep and they finish each other's sentences. He didn't disclose this to me - I logged onto his chat program and read it myself.

I confronted him - and her too!! She wasn't aware he was married and living with his wife and children. She has gracefully ended it with him and blocked him on all the chat programs they used. Which is great for me, because I love my husband and want to seek counselling to work through this bump in the road...

The only issue is, I can't seem to get over the betrayal. It's still early days as it's only been 2 weeks since I found out about the other woman. We haven't started counselling yet (there is a 3 week wait period). My husband says he loves me and wants to be a family, but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him.

I am not a spiritual person, so he tells me I don't understand the connection he felt with her... Is it really possible to fall in love with someone online in just two weeks?! They didn't even talk on the phone because of the language barrier!! I am trying to convince myself that he's suffering a mid-life crisis or some sort of breakdown due to the issues from his past that he spoke with her about. He said the reason he confided in her was because if it got too much for him, he could just delete her contact and shut the issues out again. He didn't confide in me because it would be too real and he would need to work through the issues, there would be no way to take it back.

I just want to believe that what he had with her isn't real!

My husband and I have been together over 10 years and we have 4 young children. We have been concentrating on our children quite a lot, and each of us concentrating on our work, that it has meant our marriage took the back seat.

 

My husband started talking to another woman online. After a very short period of time he confided in her about some issues from his past that had been bothering him. She supported him and he grew feelings for her and connected with her on a spiritual level. After just 2 weeks of talking, he said she is his soul mate and he's never felt this way about anyone else before. He knows when she's awake or asleep and they finish each other's sentences. He didn't disclose this to me - I logged onto his chat program and read it myself.

 

I confronted him - and her too!! She wasn't aware he was married and living with his wife and children. She has gracefully ended it with him and blocked him on all the chat programs they used. Which is great for me, because I love my husband and want to seek counselling to work through this bump in the road...

 

The only issue is, I can't seem to get over the betrayal. It's still early days as it's only been 2 weeks since I found out about the other woman. We haven't started counselling yet (there is a 3 week wait period). My husband says he loves me and wants to be a family, but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him.

 

I am not a spiritual person, so he tells me I don't understand the connection he felt with her... Is it really possible to fall in love with someone online in just two weeks?! They didn't even talk on the phone because of the language barrier!! I am trying to convince myself that he's suffering a mid-life crisis or some sort of breakdown due to the issues from his past that he spoke with her about. He said the reason he confided in her was because if it got too much for him, he could just delete her contact and shut the issues out again. He didn't confide in me because it would be too real and he would need to work through the issues, there would be no way to take it back.

 

I just want to believe that what he had with her isn't real!

I hate it for you as I am in a similar situation. I found out my wife was cheating on my very shortly ago. She moved out and already moved on with the other man while I am left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and shattered confidence.

I only say that to say this. "You can't force him to change or be in a relationship with you."

He has to want it. It sounds like he does not. What they had was very real. I assume he is only going to counseling to appease you because you found out. The relationship may be saved, but he is going to have to do the work and truly want it. Do not baby him and learn to respect yourself and your boundaries. This is the part I am struggling with learning.

You have to forgive him, but you don't do that for him. You have to do it for you so you can move on. There is a very real chance you won't be able to get over the betrayal, and that is ok. If that is the case, you will have to just move on as I am trying to do.

Good luck. We will get through this, with or without our spouses.

Well, I'd start with counseling and see how that works. If it fails, I'd kick his ass to the curb and get a lawyer. Spiritual level? Another phrase for having sex with....

How did he meet her? So after talking to a stranger for 2 weeks online (or did they meet in person?) and purpously hiding he's married, he decides she's his soul mate and tells you this? What was he expecting you to do with that information? Leave him?

Is this the first time he cheats?

...our marriage took the back seat.

^ that is your first problem.

which led to this...

My husband started talking to another woman online.

Counselling is needed for sure. Second choice isn't what anyone wants to hear or be.

With 4 young kids, marriage often does take a back seat, but with untimely circumstances and detriment to the marriage.

While you wait for your counselling session, I suggest starting a journal. Write down some things that you may have been slacking in the marriage. Where can you improve?

Ask your husband if he can do the same.

No, it isn't possible to be in love with someone you've never met, but the fact that he's got this particular infatuation does highlight that there's something severely lacking in your marriage, and the clue to this lies in your first paragraph.

If you're concerned about their 'connection'... one of the things that's conspicuously absent from his supposedly intimate sharing was the fact that he was actually married!!! For some people who are feeling adrift, having the listening ear of a stranger who will not judge, who has time for them and has all the excitement of someone new will engender all sorts of crushes and infatuations - think about how many people fall in love with their nurses or doctors for example.

In fact, if you read these forums you will see many posters who have 'met' someone online, never actually seen them in the flesh but are convinced they are in love. The tragic thing is that many of them are clearly being catfished, but their longing for a sense of connection outweighs their common sense.

You are wise to attend counselling together, and it could be that he needs 1:1 counselling to get past the issues he's mentioned, but in a more appropriate way than finding someone online to fantasise about. Right now, he may feel as though you're his second choice because he's still experiencing a hormone-fuelled high for this other woman. But even in regular relationships, this high doesn't last, and it's only when it fades away that you can judge whether you're suited or not. So-called spiritual connections don't last unless they're backed up by more practical ones!

Good luck with the counselling, and the fact that he seems willing to attend is very positive.

"He didn't confide in me because it would be too real and he would need to work through the issues, there would be no way to take it back."

That's the real crux of the matter. He has issues and he needs to confront them and deal with them. He can't continue to run away from them or find some random women online to cry to about it. The whole he doesn't want to deal with them....that ship just sailed. Literally.

This is the kind of a situation where I think counseling will actually go a long ways to resolve things for the two of you. Especially individual counseling for him for whatever those issues are that he is bottling up and not dealing with.

As for online chatting for a couple of weeks and she is his soulmate.....nope. This is your clue that your husband is emotionally disturbed and needs help to get his head on straight again. Lack of emotional health can lead to a lot of problems. As you both deal with this, you'll have to decide how it goes and whether your marriage will remain viable or not. Too early to make any decisions or judgments at this point. Plus you are dealing with your own shock of discovering this mess. So don't forget to be kind to yourself too as you are navigating this.

No, you can't fall in love with someone in two weeks, especially if you've not met..it's just not possible.

He was living a fantasy. He was in lust and assumed that their chats meant all sort of things. Things he felt he was missing. But it did not make any of it real.

People can "date" for months on end from long distance and feel like they are in love, but end up meeting and realize that in real life it's massively different and find that there is no spark or chemistry.

It sounds like your husband wants to believe in his fantasy. But it is all made up. He found someone to talk with, someone who said all the right things and heard him vent and listened to him.

But it still does not mean it was real.

Truth be told, people can pretend to be whomever they want to be online, but that doesn't mean it's who they truly are. It could be all a farce and a role they were playing.

The unfortunate part now is, that he is treating you terribly and he is even telling you that you are second to this fantasy woman, which is incredibly unfair as you are married and you are the mother of his children.

If you feel it is worth it, you can try marriage counselling and see if you and he can find your way back to one another. But the sad fact is, he's got it in his head to look elsewhere and is convinced that this woman is some kind of perfection.

I'm not sure how to undo this.

Do I think he might be having a mid life crisis? Yes, it's very possible. But I am not sure how much more damage he is going to do before he realizes it.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope somehow you can remain strong, for your children and for yourself.

Excellent you both agreed to counseling. Hope it works out and gives you a wake up call about getting so wrapped up that marriage takes a back seat.

We haven't started counselling yet (there is a 3 week wait period). My husband says he loves me and wants to be a family, but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him.

It takes two to make a marriage take a backseat. Instead of planning dates, or buttering you up, he cheats on you. I don't care how much you love him - what he did is beyond selfish.

I went through this over a year ago - 3rd time offense although the 3rd time was sexting, and he loves me and wants to be with me, not these other ladies. And your hubs thinks someone else is his soulmate? Honey, WAKE UP!!!! What he did and said is so beyond insulting, I'd like to throw all his stuff out on the lawn and burn it on your behalf.

Tell him to go be with that woman, and let him experience reality and a wake-up call. Don't roll over. You know how long counseling can take to fix - years!!!! Years! And do you want to take years on a selfish man who could have hired babysitters or asked family to watch your kids while you got some alone time together or had a meal in peace together? Please, don't be a doormat. He needs more than couples counseling to jolt him that what he did was betrayal.

I'd kick him out. If you wants this marriage (which I am sure he will), he will crawl back, rightly so.

"but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him." He feels like this after a two week online chat with a stranger. Yikes. This will happen again.

Has he always been so unstable? I can't believe that someone would through their family away for someone they had never met, and after only two weeks! Something is very wrong with this person, and it is more than the marriage "taking a backseat."

I would seek an attorney.

It takes two to make a marriage take a backseat. Instead of planning dates, or buttering you up, he cheats on you. I don't care how much you love him - what he did is beyond selfish.

 

I went through this over a year ago - 3rd time offense although the 3rd time was sexting, and he loves me and wants to be with me, not these other ladies. And your hubs thinks someone else is his soulmate? Honey, WAKE UP!!!! What he did and said is so beyond insulting, I'd like to throw all his stuff out on the lawn and burn it on your behalf.

Tell him to go be with that woman, and let him experience reality and a wake-up call. Don't roll over. You know how long counseling can take to fix - years!!!! Years! And do you want to take years on a selfish man who could have hired babysitters or asked family to watch your kids while you got some alone time together or had a meal in peace together? Please, don't be a doormat. He needs more than couples counseling to jolt him that what he did was betrayal.

 

I'd kick him out. If you wants this marriage (which I am sure he will), he will crawl back, rightly so.

Can I help?

"but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him." He feels like this after a two week online chat with a stranger. Yikes. This will happen again.

 

Has he always been so unstable? I can't believe that someone would through their family away for someone they had never met, and after only two weeks! Something is very wrong with this person, and it is more than the marriage "taking a backseat."

 

I would seek an attorney.

Yes, if his own wife is his second choice towards a woman he only met online for 2 weeks and he told her this, showing he doesn't give 2 Fs about how she feels or her... I don't know if there's much to save here.

And regardless of what's missing in the marriage, this situation is his fault and his disrespect for the OP. That he doesn't give 2 Fs about the OPs feelings by going all aboard a stranger online and telling his own wife that she's his soulmate and that she's second choice to this online woman is what's more concerning to me. It shows the low level of respect and consideration he has for her that he'd jeopardise their marriage for a online stranger and throw it in OP's face like it's nothing.

Yes, if his own wife is his second choice towards a woman he only met online for 2 weeks and he told her this, showing he doesn't give 2 Fs about how she feels or her... I don't know if there's much to save here.

 

And regardless of what's missing in the marriage, this situation is his fault and his disrespect for the OP. That he doesn't give 2 Fs about the OPs feelings by going all aboard a stranger online and telling his own wife that she's his soulmate and that she's second choice to this online woman is what's more concerning to me. It shows the low level of respect and consideration he has for her that he'd jeopardise their marriage for a online stranger and throw it in OP's face like it's nothing.

They don't even speak the same language.

OP, he chose her over you and the kids. You need to look at the big picture, here.

What are his issues?

They don't even speak the same language.

 

OP, he chose her over you and the kids. You need to look at the big picture, here.

 

What are his issues?

I see that the OP edited her post with more information after I had written my first reply. I will read again. But yes, his priorities seem clear to me. Also with all this "talking about his issues", it seemed more like he was using this woman as a therapist or something.

I see that the OP edited her post with more information after I had written my first reply. I will read again. But yes, his priorities seem clear to me. Also with all this "talking about his issues", it seemed more like he was using this woman as a therapist or something.

How screwed up. I feel for the OP and kids.

 

I just want to believe that what he had with her isn't real!

Oh Unsure, IMVHO you are SO worried about the wrong things. You should be more concerned that your husband of TEN years who claims he wants to "be a family"- instead of just talking to you, his wife, reached out to stranger online. This is not about HER, it's about HIM- He already said he prefers a complete stranger to you- WHY do you love this man????- Go to counseling if you want, but I don't think it's going to do any good. Why? Because he doesn't seem sorry at ALL. He didn't reach out to you in the first place, you had to "catch" him doing it and contact the woman yourself or he'd still be in contact with her. Even after getting caught, he still said that she's his "first choice". He should have been saying that he's incredibly sorry and he couldn't believe he would do that, and that he loves you more than anything and he'll do anything to fix it. See what I'm saying?

Your husband clearly does not love, respect or trust you. I would file for divorce if I were you. Or be content living with the fact that he's going to keep reaching out to other women and finding reasons to prefer them to you. He WILL eventually find one that knows he's married and won't care.

Welcome to ENA

What you are dealing with is a fantasy in his mind of what this woman is and what she represents to him. Are they in love? Absolutely not! Is anything about their "relationship" real? Absolutely not! You cannot compete with a fantasy so don't try.

I heard the same crap from my wife when I busted her. "It was fate" "He is my soul mate" "We are perfect for each other" It is all their way of making what they are doing (cheating) okay somehow.

Counseling is good but you need to be aware that your love for him is clouding your judgment. Time to get real about all this which means you need to make some very hard choices right now.

Don't make excuses for him or allow him to shift blame. He owns all of this cheating and non of it was your fault.

Lost

Worrying about whether or not his "love" with this specific woman was real is beside the point, really, OP. The point is that he is checked out enough that he is looking for other options outside your marriage, and this will happen again if you two don't tackle all the issues, head-on. I would be wondering if this is the first time he's done something like this, or just the first time he's been caught.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. He sounds like he's been emotionally detaching for a long time, and didn't really bother to clue you in.

 

After just 2 weeks of talking, he said she is his soul mate and he's never felt this way about anyone else before. He knows when she's awake or asleep and they finish each other's sentences.

 

I am not a spiritual person, so he tells me I don't understand the connection he felt with her... Is it really possible to fall in love with someone online in just two weeks?! They didn't even talk on the phone because of the language barrier!!

 

Since this was all on line, they didn't speak the same language, or ever spoke on phone, I am wondering how they could finish each other's sentences. Makes no sense.

In any event, I think in your husband's case, his mental stability, is very much the issue. One of the issues anyway.

Why? Because he is your husband, your family and you are raising children together.

Yes I understand on line connections to a degree, but his mindset in what's quoted above very much reflects that the man is just not right in the head, I'm sorry.

He's unstable and not living in reality. Clearly!

He should not be allowed to raise your kids (at least at the moment), he needs professional help and I'm sure if you think back over the years, this is not the first time his mental instability has affected your relationship.

Unless he has recently had some sort of mid-life breakdown or something, which I suppose is possible.

Man, if my husband (I'm not married but have a long term bf) said this to me, I'd seriously be frightened for him, he's living in some alternative universe wherein he truly believes he's "in love" with some on line fantasy he's known for two weeks and claims he's never felt this strongly about a woman before.

Good lord.

Think of your kids, and see a lawyer.

If you love your husband, thinking badly of him (too badly in any case) is not going to help you.

No amount of judgment is going to take the pain of that betrayal away and it's a pain that you will have to work through on your own time and learn to accept and let go eventually. This is a person you built your life and your family with and his choices will continue to affect you whether you want to admit it or not just yet.

I'd encourage you to be strong for your kids and don't let this overtake your role as a mother to them. Remember that your husband is his own person even though you have built a life together. You do not need to feel ashamed and you do not need to pass judgment on his actions. Your only focus, in my opinion, should be to take care of yourself (be kind to yourself) and remain upright and strong for your kids. Go for the couple's counselling together and welcome professional opinions but don't be mired by them. Don't be afraid to seek another professional's help either if this particular place is not helping the both of you. Take one day at a time.

Since this was all on line, they didn't speak the same language, or ever spoke on phone, I am wondering how they could finish each other's sentences. Makes no sense.

 

In any event, I think in your husband's case, his mental stability, is very much the issue. One of the issues anyway.

 

Why? Because he is your husband, your family and you are raising children together.

 

Yes I understand on line connections to a degree, but his mindset in what's quoted above very much reflects that the man is just not right in the head, I'm sorry.

 

He's unstable and not living in reality. Clearly!

 

He should not be allowed to raise your kids (at least at the moment), he needs professional help and I'm sure if you think back over the years, this is not the first time his mental instability has affected your relationship.

 

Unless he has recently had some sort of mid-life breakdown or something, which I suppose is possible.

 

Man, if my husband (I'm not married but have a long term bf) said this to me, I'd seriously be frightened for him, he's living in some alternative universe wherein he truly believes he's "in love" with some on line fantasy he's known for two weeks and claims he's never felt this strongly about a woman before.

 

Good lord.

 

Think of your kids, and see a lawyer.

You make a very good point. It shows a lot about his mental sanity that he says he's in love with a random woman he speaks online for 2 weeks and is all in this fantasy. He seriously needs a therapist, and you need to think about what's best for you and your kids.

It's good that you are going to counseling. His love level (and yours) need some rebuilding.

No, you cannot fall in love with someone in 2 weeks. What he may be saying is that his feelings were stronger for her at that moment than for you.

Some people can get over cheating, some can't - although this is mild one - I'm assuming they never met or kissed, it was just two weeks of talking?

You will have to see if you can get over the cheating - it's a process, will take months, even years (if you can - like I said, some can, some can't.)

It's good that you are going to counseling. His love level (and yours) need some rebuilding.

 

No, you cannot fall in love with someone in 2 weeks. What he may be saying is that his feelings were stronger for her at that moment than for you.

 

Some people can get over cheating, some can't - although this is mild one - I'm assuming they never met or kissed, it was just two weeks of talking?

 

You will have to see if you can get over the cheating - it's a process, will take months, even years (if you can - like I said, some can, some can't.)

He told his wife that she was his second choice. I don't see this as being "mild." Something is seriously wrong here.

Emotional affairs can be much more dangerous than physical ones.

He told his wife that she was his second choice. I don't see this as being "mild." Something is seriously wrong here.

 

Emotional affairs can be much more dangerous than physical ones.

Agree about emotional affairs but for goodness sakes, it's only been two weeks!

Never spoke on phone and they don't even speak same language. Whatever emotions he's feeling are going on within his own sick head.

I also don't get him telling OP she's his "second choice."

Choosing is what single people do when they're multi-dating and decide they like one more than the other.

Has he forgotten she is his wife? He made his "choice" ten years ago when he married her!

That said not even sure why I bother responding, OP has not returned, she's a one and done.

This situation is so insane, I'm doubting now if it's even real.