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Thread: Cheating? What would you do?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you love your husband, thinking badly of him (too badly in any case) is not going to help you.
    No amount of judgment is going to take the pain of that betrayal away and it's a pain that you will have to work through on your own time and learn to accept and let go eventually. This is a person you built your life and your family with and his choices will continue to affect you whether you want to admit it or not just yet.

    I'd encourage you to be strong for your kids and don't let this overtake your role as a mother to them. Remember that your husband is his own person even though you have built a life together. You do not need to feel ashamed and you do not need to pass judgment on his actions. Your only focus, in my opinion, should be to take care of yourself (be kind to yourself) and remain upright and strong for your kids. Go for the couple's counselling together and welcome professional opinions but don't be mired by them. Don't be afraid to seek another professional's help either if this particular place is not helping the both of you. Take one day at a time.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Since this was all on line, they didn't speak the same language, or ever spoke on phone, I am wondering how they could finish each other's sentences. Makes no sense.

    In any event, I think in your husband's case, his mental stability, is very much the issue. One of the issues anyway.

    Why? Because he is your husband, your family and you are raising children together.

    Yes I understand on line connections to a degree, but his mindset in what's quoted above very much reflects that the man is just not right in the head, I'm sorry.

    He's unstable and not living in reality. Clearly!

    He should not be allowed to raise your kids (at least at the moment), he needs professional help and I'm sure if you think back over the years, this is not the first time his mental instability has affected your relationship.

    Unless he has recently had some sort of mid-life breakdown or something, which I suppose is possible.

    Man, if my husband (I'm not married but have a long term bf) said this to me, I'd seriously be frightened for him, he's living in some alternative universe wherein he truly believes he's "in love" with some on line fantasy he's known for two weeks and claims he's never felt this strongly about a woman before.

    Good lord.

    Think of your kids, and see a lawyer.
    You make a very good point. It shows a lot about his mental sanity that he says he's in love with a random woman he speaks online for 2 weeks and is all in this fantasy. He seriously needs a therapist, and you need to think about what's best for you and your kids.

  3. #23
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It's good that you are going to counseling. His love level (and yours) need some rebuilding.

    No, you cannot fall in love with someone in 2 weeks. What he may be saying is that his feelings were stronger for her at that moment than for you.

    Some people can get over cheating, some can't - although this is mild one - I'm assuming they never met or kissed, it was just two weeks of talking?

    You will have to see if you can get over the cheating - it's a process, will take months, even years (if you can - like I said, some can, some can't.)

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    It's good that you are going to counseling. His love level (and yours) need some rebuilding.

    No, you cannot fall in love with someone in 2 weeks. What he may be saying is that his feelings were stronger for her at that moment than for you.

    Some people can get over cheating, some can't - although this is mild one - I'm assuming they never met or kissed, it was just two weeks of talking?

    You will have to see if you can get over the cheating - it's a process, will take months, even years (if you can - like I said, some can, some can't.)
    He told his wife that she was his second choice. I don't see this as being "mild." Something is seriously wrong here.

    Emotional affairs can be much more dangerous than physical ones.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    He told his wife that she was his second choice. I don't see this as being "mild." Something is seriously wrong here.

    Emotional affairs can be much more dangerous than physical ones.
    Agree about emotional affairs but for goodness sakes, it's only been two weeks!

    Never spoke on phone and they don't even speak same language. Whatever emotions he's feeling are going on within his own sick head.

    I also don't get him telling OP she's his "second choice."

    Choosing is what single people do when they're multi-dating and decide they like one more than the other.

    Has he forgotten she is his wife? He made his "choice" ten years ago when he married her!

    That said not even sure why I bother responding, OP has not returned, she's a one and done.

    This situation is so insane, I'm doubting now if it's even real.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Agree about emotional affairs but for goodness sakes, it's only been two weeks!

    Never spoke on phone and they don't even speak same language. Whatever emotions he's feeling are going on within his own sick head.

    I also don't get him telling OP she's his "second choice."

    Choosing is what single people do when they're multi-dating and decide they like one more than the other.

    Has he forgotten she is his wife? He made his "choice" ten years ago when he married her!

    That said not even sure why I bother responding, OP has not returned, she's a one and done.

    This situation is so insane, I'm doubting now if it's even real.
    I hope you are right, in it not being real.

  8. 04-14-2019, 03:07 AM

  9. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What you happened upon is the tip if the iceberg. Sure you can blame the other women and tell them he's married, but that will never fix things. Why? Because your husband is the problem, not women in chatrooms, etc. He is telling you straight out that he does not love you and wants to have affairs, but keep the family around.

    Now that you have confronted him and the other woman, he will be much more careful with his extracurricular activities. There are a million choices he could have made to address his "midlife crisis", therapy, etc. but he chose to engage in this instead and tell you "you are a second choice". That is a tremendous red flag.

    This is not a 'bump in the road". You are quite dismissive and ascribing this to midlife crisis etc. Yet he has been deceitful, tells you he can't talk to you and then goes on to say you are second best.

    Get to an attorney and a therapist Privately and Confidentially. Do not tell your husband. Do not threaten divorce. Do not include him in therapy or tell him about it. Allow the professionals to guide and help you, then reflect and decide what you want to do. Discuss your options in the event of divorce with the attorney. The chat room thing is merely a symptom of deeper problems. The most ominous sign that he will cheat again and/or divorce you is him telling you to your face that you are "a second choice".
    Originally Posted by Unsure28
    I confronted him - and her too!! She wasn't aware he was married and living with his wife and children.

    My husband says he loves me and wants to be a family, but he did admit that I am his second choice as the other woman had blocked him.

    He didn't confide in me because it would be too real and he would need to work through the issues, there would be no way to take it back.

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