Do I have a right to get upset about my boyfriend doing this?

To cut a long story short, I get upset when my boyfriend likes other girls photos on social media and knowing that he’s friendly with other girls. What makes it harder is that we’re both at the same university and he is friends with a few girls I know of but aren’t personally friendly with myself.

Yesterday we had a massive argument because he got funny with me because I worry a lot about whether he’s overly friendly with these girls behind my back. He said how he should be allowed to have girl friends and that I need to grow up, and how he feels like he has had to be rude to them because of me. This upset me even more because I felt like he was defending them in a way and seems to care so much about being friends with these girls because his guy mates at uni hang around with them and go on nights out etc.

Maybe I am being mean immature but I find it so hard to understand why my boyfriend should care about being friends with other girls. These girls are attractive as well and one of them definitely seemed to get a bit too friendly with him which even he agreed with me about, this girl also likes all his photos and even uploaded a photo of herself in his hoodie which she decided to wear after he left it at his guy friend’s uni flat?

I don’t like him being friendly with them because I feel like they are interested in him. I don’t understand why as a guy with a girlfriend he should want relationships with other women? I don’t even consider liking guys photos or even want to hang out with them.

It’s hard because we are both very set in our different opinions about this although I know for a fact if the shoe was on the other foot he would hate me being friends with and socialising with attractive guys at uni who he doesn’t know.

Opinions?

Should he just cut contact with all his friends now?

How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? It's not your call to tell anyone who they can be friends with, talk to or interact with on social media. That is jealous, insecure and controlling. What you need to do is figure out why you are this insecure and where you stand with our bf. Also you should be more like him and have a wider circle of friends and activities.

He's not in prison and you are not his prison guard. Make an appt with a counselor on campus to explore and sort out where these insecure controlling tenancies come from and get this green-eyed monster under control. No guy is going to stick around when you dictate and bicker about who he is "allowed" to talk to or be friends with.

we’re both at the same university and he is friends with a few girls I know of but aren’t personally friendly with myself.

 

I find it so hard to understand why my boyfriend should care about being friends with other girls. These girls are attractive as well

I don’t like him being friendly with them because I feel like they are interested in him.

The first thing I do with a new girlfriend (after six months), is introduce them to my lady friends.........but I'm one of the good guys. If he's not introducing you to them after six months, he's a bad man. period.

In relationships, you can't just do whatever you want - relationships take work. Guys should not be looking at or dating other girls (nor should women).

I can understand your feelings, and I remember those days. Parties, flirting, hot girls, guys and girls who want to play. It would bother me now to see my BF liking a ton of women's photos, particularly ones who seem flirty with him, but you've kind of got to learn to swallow that and trust him. Certainly if he's flirting back, you have a leg to stand on, but if he's flirting back, you should be questioning why you keep him around. If you don't trust him, there's not a lot to work with. Do you trust him or not? I agree, seek a counselor to see if you can learn some tools to work with this anxiety and recognize if you're putting up with garbage from your guy or not. Men cannot narrow their friendships to men only and never like a female's posts. That's just silly. Of your guy friends, even your old HS FB friends that you really don't see, do you refrain from likes or comments? Do you limit yourself b/c of your BF? Do you disallow them on your social media? Do you wish you could comment or like? I mean, think of your own actions...are you cheating because you "liked" someone's picture or story?

Bottom line is you've got to get a handle on that little green-eyed monster hanging out in your head. It's called jealousy, and it's normal...but you're over the top controlling and anxious and fearful. You have every right to be a little suspicious and a little jealous over hoodie girl. The hoodie situation would have had me up in arms, I'm sure. However, the bottom line is whether or not you trust your BF, and it's a risk because you can't know he won't stray without a shadow of a doubt, but you you have to trust him, and if you don't, then the question is why.

Yes, we are exclusive. We were together for 2 years, broke up, and have been back together for almost another year. I think my insecurity also stems from the fact when he broke up with me, he was with a new girl who I had never even heard of 2 weeks after.

I don’t have a massive group of friends but I do have friends who I can hang out with, I’m just not a huge socialite. I like my own company.

Ok so the real problem is the on/off relationship and that he uses breakups to play the field. Seriously reconsider if this is the type of thing you want to waste your time on. If he can drop you like a hot potato whenever someone new comes along, he doesn't sound like bf material. The female friends thing is only a symptom of bigger problems.

I don’t think I do hold back from doings things such as liking other guys posts because I don’t see the need but I guess that’s because I know I don’t like it when my boyfriend does. We were together for 2 years, he broke up with me and was then seeing someone else 2 weeks after, and now we’re back together. I think that’s a reason why I’m like this. I want to see the sense in what you’re saying about guys having girl friends but I can’t help but not like it, I don’t want counselling for this either. X

He's not going to change, so it's best you walk away from a relationship that has you more upset than satisfied. Date someone who is compatible with your views on friendships.

We broke up once, it was for a long time, 10 months and he was with that girl all that time but he said it was because he wasn’t ready to commit (in terms of a long relationship) and she made out she felt the same when really she didn’t then they ended up official and then he ended up getting back with me after trying very hard to earn my trust back and get me back, saying how it was a mistake. I made it clear to him I want a long-term relationship and I’m not going to be with someone with the idea that it isn’t going to last, he agreed and said he wants this for good now and that he sees what I mean now. However I think what sticks in the back of my mind is how I feel like he would leave me in a snap of the fingers like he did before, or at least that’s how it felt to me.

It’s hard because I don’t feel I should give up a relationship and someone I love a lot because of the indifference, I do feel like I connect with him better than anyone

You will never properly trust him again. Cut the relationship off before you waste any more time and heartbreak. When he askes why, tell him exactly how you feel. If he is at all interested, he will listen and correct. If not, good luck to him.

I grew up without internet or social media. I always had male friends. Some were people I'd dated, some were not. I am 52 now and still have male friends and made new male acquaintances in the last few years (in both cases, dads who were at the same location as me when our kids met). My husband has always had female friends. I think having friends is really important. Here is my boundary with friends of the opposite gender - no going out on dates one on one (meaning no romantic dinners on a Saturday night, no sharing a hotel room ,etc), the friend has to be supportive of our relationship and I have to have the opportunity to meet the person.

I would not be ok with a guy I was involved with "liking" photos of women friends based on their physical features - I have some FAcebook friends who regularly post "glam shots" and look for attention, and get it. I would not like if my husband (if he was on FAcebook, he's not active on social media) commented or liked a woman's physical features. I never do that with men - it wouldn't occur to me- seems juvenile and silly. Come up with your own boundaries. If your boundary is that a man should drop all his female friends if he is dating you then my suggestion is to join a religious organization for your religion where the members adhere to that kind of restriction. I think there are people who are not religious who do, of course! - just much harder to find. If you are not a religious person then simply understand that by requiring a man not to have any contact with a person in a friendly, platonic way because she is a female who is not his mother/relative then you'll simply severely limit your dating pool. And that's ok!

All comes down to trust.

Can you trust that he would deflect anything beyond platonic friendship?

Trust takes a while to build in most relationships. Find a time when you are both enjoying time together and have a heart to heart with him about your feelings. Just know that insecurity can be relationship killers.

You can't police everyone he talks to, do you honestly think you can make him only have male friends? I hate to tell you this but if he's a good looking, nice guy, women will ALWAYS flirt with him. Not every single woman but for the rest of his life he will have women flirt. Some with good intentions, some with bad. That's a reality of life. You're going to stress yourself out, and burn him out if you try to police every interaction he has with the world.

I understand how you feel, because I once felt that way too. Everyone told me I needed to chill, but I just couldn’t, and it even had me asking myself “am I becoming a crazy girlfriend?”

Fast forward a few years, a few boyfriends, and a few lessons later and I learned that it wasn’t me being crazy. It was me being with a guy who did nothing to make me feel secure.

If you’re feeling insecure to the point where you can’t handle your boyfriend having female friends, you’re with the wrong guy.

Now I’m married and I know my husband adores me, his actions show me that everyday. If one of his female friends, or anyone really, tried to tell me he’d done something inappropriate, I’d laugh and say “yeah right.” He told me that a few of the older ladies where he works told him he was their eye candy lol. Good for him!! He IS cute and it made him feel good to hear someone other than me say it. Stay with the guy who makes you feel so loved and secure that you don’t need to doubt him.

You need to deal with your insecurities and controlling ways. If anyone told me that I could not communicate with my male friends, it would be done.

Your relationship will not work due to your trust issues. Either you trust him, or you don't.

I understand how you feel, because I once felt that way too. Everyone told me I needed to chill, but I just couldn’t, and it even had me asking myself “am I becoming a crazy girlfriend?”

 

Fast forward a few years, a few boyfriends, and a few lessons later and I learned that it wasn’t me being crazy. It was me being with a guy who did nothing to make me feel secure.

 

If you’re feeling insecure to the point where you can’t handle your boyfriend having female friends, you’re with the wrong guy.

 

Now I’m married and I know my husband adores me, his actions show me that everyday. If one of his female friends, or anyone really, tried to tell me he’d done something inappropriate, I’d laugh and say “yeah right.” He told me that a few of the older ladies where he works told him he was their eye candy lol. Good for him!! He IS cute and it made him feel good to hear someone other than me say it. Stay with the guy who makes you feel so loved and secure that you don’t need to doubt him.

I LOVE this post! I agree 100%. What he won't do, another man will; and trust me when I say men have this mind set a lot of the time, vs. women who will fight to be with one person, and these types of relationships means it must be more one-sided on your part. Someone who is FOR you, by destiny and by their own choice, will not make you feel insecure and will reassure you. I didn't like seeing that he got into an argument with you over what you said instead of reassuring you, especially telling you to "grow up" and making you feel like you're immature; he shouldn't be saying that to you and making you feel that way. It's obvious these girls are a bad group of "friends". Therefore, if he really cared about this relationship, he would've, on HIS OWN, stopped being friends with them or distanced himself already because it's a negative impact on the relationship. There are people in this world who don't understand how to be loyal to people, or they only become loyal to those they really want, which neither one is good because they end up putting you in a bad spot that makes you feel bad about yourself, and that should never happen in a good, healthy relationship. And you said "university", so I'm guessing you guys are young, which means as a young guy, he's most likely still very immature which is why he's making you feel like YOU'RE the immature one, when you're not. This doesn't sound like a good relationship. You're the one who doesn't want to give up; he's the one who found someone else right away when you guys did before. Most guys are like, "All right, who's next?" More women should be like that, too, especially with guys like this. Don't ever do for a man what he wouldn't do for you. I think you should move on. Who cares if it was 2 years? They don't. This doesn't sound like a good relationship, and it sounds like you need to build more on your self-respect. I recommend this youtube channel for you; it will boost you up: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTCnnUZNKUwlTqE07dT1xLA

For you, I would watch the videos she has that speaks about how to emotionally detach; emotions vs. logic, but watch the other ones, too, to help build you up even more.

This one applies to your situation:

I feel like it's only ok for guys to like pics of girl friends when they really just friends, as in they are girls you know of and girls who you can tell it really is just casual with that they know. Social media friends, a lot of them are platonic friendships that you will most likely not meet because it's just that they knew each other from school way back or something. Pictures of those people celebrating, or casually looking good; a like for those here and there isn't bad, and when it comes to this stuff, you also have to have a strong intuition coupled with good eyes, lol, to tell if it's more. Intuition is VERY important. Also - don't be afraid to put men in their place and ask them how they would feel in your shoes. Guys like your boyfriend will be ok with mistreating you, but will act like you if you were to do the same thing to them. Ha - I bet he would be so angry if you had this harem of guy friends that are all over you, with that one guy who's rubbing your sweater all over himself. If he wouldn't be bothered, that's another red flag by itself.

Insecurities, even justifiable ones, aren't an excuse for bad behavior. It doesn't matter if you broke up or what he did during your time apart. Nagging your partner over their social life and choice of friends isn't acceptable. Dump him if you don't trust him.

Thank you so much. That advice was very useful. :)

Thank you so much.

Thank you for the advice. Noted. :)

Thank you so much for all of that advice, I’ll definitely look at the videos. Thank you for understanding. :)

Here’s the deal. You trust him or you don’t. You chose to take him back after he broke up with you. He’s showing you who he IS now...so either you can handle it or you can’t. You won’t change him and NO, you cannot dictate who he is or not friends with. All you have is control over YOU and your actions. If this guy likes every hot girls pic on social media doesn’t mean he’s talking to her or sleeping with her. It’s an emoji. Period. This issue is ultimately about YOU.....your self worth, self esteem and trust issues. Address that first....and your answers will be much simpler.

Thank you so much for all of that advice, I’ll definitely look at the videos. Thank you for understanding. :)

No problem! Yes, please do watch the videos; they are super helpful. Don't feel mean or immature for voicing your concerns; you will only regret not doing so. And the thing about loyalty, some people need to be taught that because I've discovered with my own experiences how people can be so clueless about it, and one of the best ways to do it is to put them in their place with how I said ask them how they would feel if they were you in the situation. REALLY paint that picture for them. But after that, if they still try to say it's just you and don't want to change and it's a deal breaker type situation, you have to show them the door out of your life because keeping them is a form of disrespecting yourself. It's ok for men to have female friends, but not when it's a group of girls like this where you feel that they like him. If you feel it, they most likely do, especially that girl with the sweater. Do these girls know about you? That he has a gf? My own example - when I know a guy likes me that I don't like, that makes me uncomfortable because it's just not mutual and I don't want to make them think I do, so I choose, without anyone having to ask me, to distance myself. So if it were a GROUP of guys and I have a bf? I would DEF keep my distance. Be friendly, only be around them if I have to, while keeping my distance both emotionally and physically.