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Thread: Just my insecurity? Or smth worth talking about

  1. #1

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    Just my insecurity? Or smth worth talking about

    Hi Iím [25f] dating my bf [25m] for about one year and everything has been pretty great so far. We share a lot of hobbies together like watching movie, anime, playing video games, outdoor activities, and the list goes on.

    So a short backstory, we play some mobile anime games together and those games usually have a lot of overly sexualized female characters (google Brown Dust Valze or Fgo Raikou if you want to know what Iím talking about). I personally donít like characters like that since I find them unnecessary and pretty offensive but Iím so used to it by now I donít mind it that much. One thing that gets on my nerves is that 80% of my bfís favorite characters are usually on the ďsuper sexyĒ side and almost never on less extreme side. I sorta get it since characters with the best skills/abilities are either hyper sexual or look like they are 14 year olds so itís better than the other way around I think. Iíve already expressed my discomfort with super sexualized characters to him and he agrees they are overdone. However, he thinks Iím overreacting to it and doesnít understand how stuff like that can offend me.

    To give you a better understanding of the reason why I find this annoying, Iíve been living with a huge insecurity of my flat chest/petite body. Iím average hight but have very narrow shoulders, chest, and hips. I basically have no boobs or booty. Itís impossible to find a right fitting bra(I honestly donít even know why wear one) and hard to shop for clothes. My boyfriend havenít said anything specific to make me feel worse and tells me that he wants me to feel better about myself. But after seeing this trend in his fav characters and hearing him constantly talking about the game/characters makes me feel really terrible. I canít stop thinking about him secretly wishing that I had bigger boobs or more attractive body. Weíve already talked about this before and he thinks Iím overreacting because of my insecurity and Iím the only person making myself feel bad about my body. I donít think he realizes that his anime waifus are triggering me to feel impotent.

    I know my insecurity is my own issue to fix but I feel like this situation is definitely not helping me right now. I also donít talk about my insecurity to him or complain about it. So this is just what Iíve been thinking/observing through out the relationship. This usually doesnít bother me that much but I know this isnít healthy either. Is this just my insecurity getting worked up or should I talk to him about this?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Unless he's directly insulting you and belittling your body, it's pretty unfair of you to blame him for your insecurities. He can't change his tastes to make you feel better. It's not even possible. He respects you enough to be honest with you. Don't punish him for it.

    You need to embark on a mission to love yourself, or at least find a way to accept your body as it is. Your insecurities about yourself will infest any relationship you get into.

  3. #3
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    Girl.

    You have got to start to learn to love yourself. You've let your insecurities get so out of hand that a fictional, digital character makes you feel threatened. What will happen if you happen to have a beach holiday with him someday, and there are real busty women everywhere? Or if the next cashier at the supermarket happens to be well-endowed and he inadvertently glances at her torso?

    My point is that telling him to knock off the gaming isn't going to help, because it's not the real issue. Address what is really bothering you (your own feelings about your body) with yourself, and start practicing ways to accept yourself as you are. I don't see that he is being disrespectful towards you or behaving inappropriately. He obviously is attracted to your body or he wouldn't be dating you. This is your chance to really tackle your body-confidence issues before they become problematic in your relationship.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best thing to do is get to a therapist and unpack and sort out this body image distortion. This isn't about cartoon characters or your bf. He's right. You are doing this to yourself.
    Originally Posted by chocopie
    Iíve been living with a huge insecurity of my flat chest/petite body. Weíve already talked about this before and he thinks Iím overreacting because of my insecurity and Iím the only person making myself feel bad about my body.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by chocopie

    To give you a better understanding of the reason why I find this annoying, Iíve been living with a huge insecurity of my flat chest/petite body. Iím average hight but have very narrow shoulders, chest, and hips. I basically have no boobs or booty. Itís impossible to find a right fitting bra(I honestly donít even know why wear one) and hard to shop for clothes.
    - perhaps. And this also means you are not fat like millions of other women. You are looking at it the wrong way. Thin, model-type women can look spectacular in the right cloths.

    But yes, men looking at other women while in a relationship is a no-no, including scantily-clad dorks in video games! It can feel like cheating to you - and you can't change your feelings. Relationships take work, and part of that work is not looking at other women, and making your woman feel like she is the only one in the room (hey, that sounds romantic!)

    Try to explain it to him (sounds like you already tried), steer him toward another game without the loose women, or start talking to a hot guy - when he complains, explain it to him - perhaps when the shoe is on the other foot, he'll be ready to really listen to your needs and change. The latter is called tough-love.

  7. #6

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    The reason why this is bothering me more than it should is also because he only tells me my boobs look good when I wear push up bra that adds 3+ cups to what I have now and constantly asks me to wear them again. I sometimes do costumes to keep things interesting and he always picks the ones that will only work with larger chest and asks me to wear push up so I look close to what the models look like. He also said he would like it if I had a bigger butt and encourages me to work out. Since I was always kinda considered getting a boob job, I asked him how he would feel about that and he said he will hate it because he doesnít like anything fake. So all these things combined with ridiculous looking characters makes me feel pretty crap.

    If I’m to seek for a therapist, is there someone who specializes on body issues or can I get any therapist?
    Last edited by chocopie; 03-12-2019 at 08:18 AM.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Hmmm...........the therapy will only help if you can convince him to go. It's his problem. He's too pushy about trying to change your looks.

    If it helps, it's all just talk, and talk is cheap, but actions scream. He loves you and is with you, and going home with you. That's what counts most.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to dump him. Controlling what you wear and criticizing, even indirectly are something to consider. It would be better to date someone who appreciates you as you are. He sounds like an immature jerk. All therapists treat self-image and self esteem issues. Dump this idiot and find a therapist.
    Originally Posted by chocopie
    he only tells me my boobs look good when I wear push up bra.
    I have now and constantly asks me to wear them again.
    he always picks the ones that will only work with larger chest and asks me to wear push up
    He also said he would like it if I had a bigger butt.

  10. #9
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    At first, you said you only thought he was secretly wishing you were different.

    Once you didn't get the response you wanted, you changed your story to include that he wants you to dress different and change how you look.

    I won't comment further after this observation.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If a guy is with you, it's because he is attracted to you and the only reason he asked you on a date in the first place is because he found you physically attractive. He didn't know your personality back then, he went off the primal attraction so to speak. Try to wrap your mind around that. It will help alleviate some of the insecurities you are directing toward your bf.

    That said, you definitely need to work on yourself and learning to appreciate the body that you have. There are an awful lot of advantages to being slender.

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