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Unhealthy pattern - help?


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I am a gay female.

 

Years ago, an openly out lesbian who had a girlfriend befriended me. She sought me out, messaged me every day until the early hours of the morning, we were together 24/7, and I started to get the vibe that she liked me more than a friend. The constant attention I got off her did make me begin to develop a crush. It was flattering to be chased, even though she had a girlfriend. I seemed to be put on a pedestal above her girlfriend, and I found out they were going through difficulties in their relationship, which made me suspicious that she was using me to make herself feel better... Then one night she called me whilst drunk and said she fancied me. The next day, she played it down, and this was the beginning of the end for us. Gradually she stopped talking to me, she threw herself into her relationship with her girlfriend and disappeared on holiday. During that time I became bitter because it hurt to be dropped like that! When she finally came back, I tried to explain to her that I was hurt but she didn't understand why. I was made to feel stupid, as if I had imagined the closeness of our friendship the whole time. It made me feel crazy! And eventually I exploded with anger and she just blocked me. Fast forward 6 months when she broke up with her girlfriend, she messaged me out of the blue to tell me that she was single. I was still hurt by what happened between us and replied bitterly, which scared her off again and she blocked me for good.

 

Now 3 years since this, I have experienced a pretty identical situation. A girl kept offering me lifts and making small talk with me here and there, but I wasn't very receptive to it because I thought nothing of it, although I did begin to enjoy our brief interactions. Each interaction began to become more frequent until eventually we got each other's numbers. She confided in me privately that she was bisexual and had only just realised. She told me this after finding out I was gay. We then began talking every day and all night until all hours, goodnight and good morning texts, lots of flirting. We saw each other whenever we could and it always felt so intense and intimate. We would talk about anything! I then found out she was seeing another girl, but our flirting didn't stop despite me trying to keep my boundaries, because by this point I already liked her. But just as before, I just couldn't not think she liked me from her actions. Then one day her girlfriend saw our messages and they had a massive argument about me. It looked bad on my part. And once again, my friend played it down and said nothing was going on between us. Things cooled a bit but we still talked daily. Then we got drunk together one night and she made out with me. I knew that she was having difficulties with her new girlfriend at the time so I tried to keep level headed and put it down to us just being drunk. Things went on with her texting me daily but she began to not text me when the girlfriend was around, which obviously hurt me but I did understand why. Then a week ago we went out drinking again and were making out all night and had sex together. Her response was to spend 24/7 with her girlfriend. I haven't seen her since and she hardly texts me anymore...

 

I can tell it's happening again where I'm about to lose this person who I care about. Each time I can feel them losing interest and to be quite honest, it seems like I was used on both occasions when their relationships were struggling.

 

I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle this. I'm hurt once again. When I voiced it last time, that friend blew up at me. This time, I've voiced bits of hurt but my friend laughs it off as if I'm joking. Should I just accept that I've been used and move on?

 

What has gone on here in both incidents?

 

I know on both occasions I've developed feelings, but can you blame me when I feel like both of these 'friends' pursued me and made me feel special, more than a normal friend would?

 

Is it just friendship? Should I let this friend absorb herself in her relationship and let her ignore me? Any advice out there?

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I completely agree with that and would not want to pursue a relationship with someone like this. It has been a huge mistake.

 

However, even as I try to incorporate friend boundaries, I feel I'm being dropped and this girl seems to not care about me suddenly. Should I ditch them completely?

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What has gone on here in both incidents?

 

Easy. In both incidents, you pursued a woman who was in a relationship with someone else.

 

I know on both occasions I've developed feelings, but can you blame me when I feel like both of these 'friends' pursued me and made me feel special, more than a normal friend would?

 

Yes, I can blame you because you should be smarter than that, especially after your first experience. As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

My advice to you is, distance yourself from her. Leave her to her relationship. Focus your efforts on women who are completely uninvolved.

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I completely agree with that and would not want to pursue a relationship with someone like this. It has been a huge mistake.

 

However, even as I try to incorporate friend boundaries, I feel I'm being dropped and this girl seems to not care about me suddenly. Should I ditch them completely?

 

Yes. You were not being treated as a friend.

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You are making very poor choices in friends/potential partners. You should not be flirting with people who have a partner, as this should be a HUGE red flag. If they start flirting with you-while having a partner- you should know that this is a character flaw, and they are not good partner or friend material. Also, spending so much time with anyone - friend or love interest is not healthy! Damn! Slow your roll. What were you thinking with these women!

 

Forget about this one and make better choices in friends.

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Well guys, it's all kicking off now, and now this supposed 'friend' is doing as expected and saying to everyone that I read too much into everything, she's painting me out to be obsessed with her. She really did spin me some lines and I fell for them.

 

I think I've been played for a fool completely and all of you are right.

 

Thing is, now I have to be in the same social circles as this girl which is going to be awful, even with me cutting myself off from her.

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my friend played it down and said nothing was going on between us. Things cooled a bit but we still talked daily. Then we got drunk together one night and she made out with me.
Why do you go to bed with people that are in a relationship? I think you would do well to figure out why you may have fear of commitment so you find taken chicas safe which causes you to let down your defenses.

 

You don't have the boundaries in place to tell a taken person no. That is yours to eat and work through so I respectfully suggest that you stop playing the victim and instead, figure out why you can't say no to people that need to be said no to.

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Why do you go to bed with people that are in a relationship? I think you would do well to figure out why you may have fear of commitment so you find taken chicas safe which causes you to let down your defenses.

 

You don't have the boundaries in place to tell a taken person no. That is yours to eat and work through so I respectfully suggest that you stop playing the victim and instead, figure out why you can't say no to people that need to be said no to.

 

I do think you're right. But it's more of a fear of rejection, as I've never been properly wanted by anyone, and that's why I came here because I don't want to be playing victim as there is so much I'm doing wrong to get to this place. I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially. I just get so caught up in the fact they're showering me with attention...

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I do think you're right. But it's more of a fear of rejection, as I've never been properly wanted by anyone, and that's why I came here because I don't want to be playing victim as there is so much I'm doing wrong to get to this place. I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially. I just get so caught up in the fact they're showering me with attention...

 

Well, if you know that this "showering of attention" is going to lead you in the wrong direction and isn't any good for your emotional health, then you should be vigilant about putting up boundaries and be strong in keeping them in place. If you know they have a partner then you keep it real and you don't do anything with them that crosses the platonic and you have them include their partner when hanging out. A good friend always want's to ensure that their friend is never disrespectful to their partner by crossing boundaries with you. (even if they tell you their relationship isn't doing well because THAT is the mantra of almost all cheaters.)

 

You know what to do, you just need to realize that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. Its time to be convicted in your boundaries.

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Thank you @ThatwasThen. I guess in my heart I secretly hope they'll pick me, but in my head I know they won't and that I shouldn't want them anyway due to the fact that they're unfaithful partners.

 

I really hope I never end up in a dynamic like this again. I'm frightened to fall for anyone because it's never straight forward... And yes I always fall for those that are unavailable but their behaviours make me think they're interested. I should really just have more of a backbone with these sorts of people because you're right, I'm letting them treat me however they like, even when I know it's wrong and shouldn't be engaging in it.

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I'm frightened to fall for anyone because it's never straight forward... And yes I always fall for those that are unavailable but their behaviours make me think they're interested.

 

Falling for someone who is single, available and interested in you IS usually straightforward, but only if you're genuinely capable of intimacy with another person. Often people who are only attracted to unavailable partners have deep-seated fears of intimacy which aren't challenged by the 'relationship'. The women you describe were interested; it's just that they were not interested in anything more than a fling, and you were ditched the moment you really wanted anything from them.

 

Many heterosexual women who have affairs with married men have the same experience; they will be pursued, taken to bed, treated... all the rest... but it's relatively rare that anything comes of it.

 

There is a saying "If they do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you"; these women have already demonstrated their lack of integrity by pursuing you when they are already in a relationship, and the total lack of loyalty to you is just them being themselves. You can't do anything about them, but you can change your own response. When I'm approached by guys who are already attached, I just tell them it's inappropriate, disrespectful to their partners and I won't have anything to do with them. Works for me!

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I guess in my heart I secretly hope they'll pick me, but in my head I know they won't and that I shouldn't want them anyway due to the fact that they're unfaithful partners.

 

It’s very common to want that sort of validation from someone who you like. But the prize in these competitions is a cheater. That’s not a prize at all.

 

A good rule of thumb is, if they’re complaining to you about a partner (or even an ex), run the other way.

 

I really hope I never end up in a dynamic like this again.

 

Then don’t. It’s as easy as NOT becoming involved with women who are in relationships.

 

I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially.

 

It’s called “love bombing” and it’s actually quite a common tactic. Look it up.

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I do think you're right. But it's more of a fear of rejection, as I've never been properly wanted by anyone, and that's why I came here because I don't want to be playing victim as there is so much I'm doing wrong to get to this place. I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially. I just get so caught up in the fact they're showering me with attention...

 

But, they are involved with other people. Don't be that girl! This type of stuff will follow you. Make better choices in friends and partners. These two girls are really sleazy!

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Thank you @ThatwasThen. I guess in my heart I secretly hope they'll pick me, but in my head I know they won't and that I shouldn't want them anyway due to the fact that they're unfaithful partners.

 

I really hope I never end up in a dynamic like this again. I'm frightened to fall for anyone because it's never straight forward... And yes I always fall for those that are unavailable but their behaviours make me think they're interested. I should really just have more of a backbone with these sorts of people because you're right, I'm letting them treat me however they like, even when I know it's wrong and shouldn't be engaging in it.

 

You need to address why you are attracted to thee types of people.

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Each time I can feel them losing interest and to be quite honest, it seems like I was used on both occasions when their relationships were struggling.

 

Your participation in these things has been voluntary. It's inappropriate to develop close relationships with people who are already in a relationship. That's positioning yourself badly. It's a front row seat to observe (even while you engage) another's disloyalty to their partner--so it makes no sense to claim victimhood when that person turns on you.

 

Even if you'd 'win' in these situations, you'd lose. You'd enjoy your 'victory' for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've been promoted from the one she's disloyal 'with' to the one she'll be disloyal 'to'.

 

Stick to single women.

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One problem about all of this is that we always called it a friendship. So despite the inappropriate nature of the friendship, it has always been described as that. Then it's like overnight, they drop me and start enforcing boundaries that weren't previously there, and I guess we realise we didn't have a lot in common after they had basically instigated a fling and then ended it. I've just found it really hard to get picked up and dropped, treated romantically, then as a friend, and then nothing at all. I agree I didn't have any of my own boundaries in place so I can't play victim. I've enabled them to treat me this way and even participated in it. I didn't stop them from treating me more than a friend, but now when I try to say they're treating me differently they say 'but we're just friends'.

 

I'm looking kind of crazy now because of being hurt and just getting the 'we're friends' line.

 

I actually tried not to repeat this pattern a 2nd time and it still happened. I am disappointed in myself but really appreciating the reality checks I'm getting on this thread.

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One problem about all of this is that we always called it a friendship. So despite the inappropriate nature of the friendship, it has always been described as that.

 

Doesn't matter. If some married guy wants to label my inappropriate bonding with him a 'friendship,' it doesn't make MY OWN choice of intrusion into his marriage any less of my own doing.

 

If I were friends with a partnered straight woman who turns bi-curious on me--it's on ME to walk away from that OR suffer the consequences of messing with someone who's disloyal to a partner.

 

Skip the semantics and walk yourself out of harm's way whenever ANYone demo's that she's disloyal--to anyone--because expecting a good outcome from that makes no sense.

 

You're the one setting your own tightrope to walk, so the question becomes, why do that? Claiming surprise when disloyalty turns back on YOU makes no sense. You're right there--you see that flame, so you touch it and expect ...what?

 

Self honesty is always our friend.

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