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Thread: Unhealthy pattern - help?

  1. #1
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    Unhealthy pattern - help?

    I am a gay female.

    Years ago, an openly out lesbian who had a girlfriend befriended me. She sought me out, messaged me every day until the early hours of the morning, we were together 24/7, and I started to get the vibe that she liked me more than a friend. The constant attention I got off her did make me begin to develop a crush. It was flattering to be chased, even though she had a girlfriend. I seemed to be put on a pedestal above her girlfriend, and I found out they were going through difficulties in their relationship, which made me suspicious that she was using me to make herself feel better... Then one night she called me whilst drunk and said she fancied me. The next day, she played it down, and this was the beginning of the end for us. Gradually she stopped talking to me, she threw herself into her relationship with her girlfriend and disappeared on holiday. During that time I became bitter because it hurt to be dropped like that! When she finally came back, I tried to explain to her that I was hurt but she didn't understand why. I was made to feel stupid, as if I had imagined the closeness of our friendship the whole time. It made me feel crazy! And eventually I exploded with anger and she just blocked me. Fast forward 6 months when she broke up with her girlfriend, she messaged me out of the blue to tell me that she was single. I was still hurt by what happened between us and replied bitterly, which scared her off again and she blocked me for good.

    Now 3 years since this, I have experienced a pretty identical situation. A girl kept offering me lifts and making small talk with me here and there, but I wasn't very receptive to it because I thought nothing of it, although I did begin to enjoy our brief interactions. Each interaction began to become more frequent until eventually we got each other's numbers. She confided in me privately that she was bisexual and had only just realised. She told me this after finding out I was gay. We then began talking every day and all night until all hours, goodnight and good morning texts, lots of flirting. We saw each other whenever we could and it always felt so intense and intimate. We would talk about anything! I then found out she was seeing another girl, but our flirting didn't stop despite me trying to keep my boundaries, because by this point I already liked her. But just as before, I just couldn't not think she liked me from her actions. Then one day her girlfriend saw our messages and they had a massive argument about me. It looked bad on my part. And once again, my friend played it down and said nothing was going on between us. Things cooled a bit but we still talked daily. Then we got drunk together one night and she made out with me. I knew that she was having difficulties with her new girlfriend at the time so I tried to keep level headed and put it down to us just being drunk. Things went on with her texting me daily but she began to not text me when the girlfriend was around, which obviously hurt me but I did understand why. Then a week ago we went out drinking again and were making out all night and had sex together. Her response was to spend 24/7 with her girlfriend. I haven't seen her since and she hardly texts me anymore...

    I can tell it's happening again where I'm about to lose this person who I care about. Each time I can feel them losing interest and to be quite honest, it seems like I was used on both occasions when their relationships were struggling.

    I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle this. I'm hurt once again. When I voiced it last time, that friend blew up at me. This time, I've voiced bits of hurt but my friend laughs it off as if I'm joking. Should I just accept that I've been used and move on?

    What has gone on here in both incidents?

    I know on both occasions I've developed feelings, but can you blame me when I feel like both of these 'friends' pursued me and made me feel special, more than a normal friend would?

    Is it just friendship? Should I let this friend absorb herself in her relationship and let her ignore me? Any advice out there?

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Do not be in a relationship with someone else who is in a relationship. If they are willing to have an emotional affair on their partner, they would have no issue doing the same to you.

    They are simply unhealthy people and you were their outlet.

  3. #3
    Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Why were you spending 24/7 with someone who was already in a relationship???

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    I completely agree with that and would not want to pursue a relationship with someone like this. It has been a huge mistake.

    However, even as I try to incorporate friend boundaries, I feel I'm being dropped and this girl seems to not care about me suddenly. Should I ditch them completely?

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  6. #5
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    Is there even a real friendship salavagable from this?

  7. #6
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    Is there even a real friendship salavagable from this?
    I wouldn't bother anymore. I think it's best to learn from all of this and look for new friends.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    What has gone on here in both incidents?
    Easy. In both incidents, you pursued a woman who was in a relationship with someone else.

    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    I know on both occasions I've developed feelings, but can you blame me when I feel like both of these 'friends' pursued me and made me feel special, more than a normal friend would?
    Yes, I can blame you because you should be smarter than that, especially after your first experience. As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

    My advice to you is, distance yourself from her. Leave her to her relationship. Focus your efforts on women who are completely uninvolved.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    I completely agree with that and would not want to pursue a relationship with someone like this. It has been a huge mistake.

    However, even as I try to incorporate friend boundaries, I feel I'm being dropped and this girl seems to not care about me suddenly. Should I ditch them completely?
    Yes. You were not being treated as a friend.

  10. #9
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    You are making very poor choices in friends/potential partners. You should not be flirting with people who have a partner, as this should be a HUGE red flag. If they start flirting with you-while having a partner- you should know that this is a character flaw, and they are not good partner or friend material. Also, spending so much time with anyone - friend or love interest is not healthy! Damn! Slow your roll. What were you thinking with these women!

    Forget about this one and make better choices in friends.

  11. #10
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    Well guys, it's all kicking off now, and now this supposed 'friend' is doing as expected and saying to everyone that I read too much into everything, she's painting me out to be obsessed with her. She really did spin me some lines and I fell for them.

    I think I've been played for a fool completely and all of you are right.

    Thing is, now I have to be in the same social circles as this girl which is going to be awful, even with me cutting myself off from her.

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