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Thread: Unhealthy pattern - help?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    Thank you @ThatwasThen. I guess in my heart I secretly hope they'll pick me, but in my head I know they won't and that I shouldn't want them anyway due to the fact that they're unfaithful partners.

    I really hope I never end up in a dynamic like this again. I'm frightened to fall for anyone because it's never straight forward... And yes I always fall for those that are unavailable but their behaviours make me think they're interested. I should really just have more of a backbone with these sorts of people because you're right, I'm letting them treat me however they like, even when I know it's wrong and shouldn't be engaging in it.
    You need to address why you are attracted to thee types of people.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Each time I can feel them losing interest and to be quite honest, it seems like I was used on both occasions when their relationships were struggling.
    Your participation in these things has been voluntary. It's inappropriate to develop close relationships with people who are already in a relationship. That's positioning yourself badly. It's a front row seat to observe (even while you engage) another's disloyalty to their partner--so it makes no sense to claim victimhood when that person turns on you.

    Even if you'd 'win' in these situations, you'd lose. You'd enjoy your 'victory' for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've been promoted from the one she's disloyal 'with' to the one she'll be disloyal 'to'.

    Stick to single women.

  3. #23
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    One problem about all of this is that we always called it a friendship. So despite the inappropriate nature of the friendship, it has always been described as that. Then it's like overnight, they drop me and start enforcing boundaries that weren't previously there, and I guess we realise we didn't have a lot in common after they had basically instigated a fling and then ended it. I've just found it really hard to get picked up and dropped, treated romantically, then as a friend, and then nothing at all. I agree I didn't have any of my own boundaries in place so I can't play victim. I've enabled them to treat me this way and even participated in it. I didn't stop them from treating me more than a friend, but now when I try to say they're treating me differently they say 'but we're just friends'.

    I'm looking kind of crazy now because of being hurt and just getting the 'we're friends' line.

    I actually tried not to repeat this pattern a 2nd time and it still happened. I am disappointed in myself but really appreciating the reality checks I'm getting on this thread.

  4. #24
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    1) only date people who's heart is available - people who already have a partner are not available.

    2) if you are going to play with people who already have a partner - where you are the OTHER WOMAN - don't do it unless you are dating others/circular dating/ multi-dating.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    One problem about all of this is that we always called it a friendship. So despite the inappropriate nature of the friendship, it has always been described as that.
    Doesn't matter. If some married guy wants to label my inappropriate bonding with him a 'friendship,' it doesn't make MY OWN choice of intrusion into his marriage any less of my own doing.

    If I were friends with a partnered straight woman who turns bi-curious on me--it's on ME to walk away from that OR suffer the consequences of messing with someone who's disloyal to a partner.

    Skip the semantics and walk yourself out of harm's way whenever ANYone demo's that she's disloyal--to anyone--because expecting a good outcome from that makes no sense.

    You're the one setting your own tightrope to walk, so the question becomes, why do that? Claiming surprise when disloyalty turns back on YOU makes no sense. You're right there--you see that flame, so you touch it and expect ...what?

    Self honesty is always our friend.

  7. #26
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    The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt.

    She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly.

    I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up...

    I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful...

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt.

    She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly.

    I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up...

    I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful...
    Make more friends. It sounds like this crowd may not be for you. Set boundaries in your next "relationfriendship."

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, friends are people you have some kind of interests in common with. People you hang out with and talk with from time to time. Friendships are strictly platonic. Friendships do NOT involve chasing, making out, etc. What you are describing has nothing to do with friendships. You willingly got involved with women who were looking to cheat. Getting dropped cold is just part of the game as they either get caught or get bored and move to another target.

    If you want a relationship, then get out there and go on dates with single, available women. If you are looking to make friends, then pursue some hobbies, join meetup.com and go do things that interest you and meet people and sometimes you'll click with a person and develop a friendship over time. Emphasis on over time. Healthy friendships, healthy relationships take time to build - it's not an instant red hot chase and talking to each other 24/7. The latter is a totally unhealthy behavior and you are just as guilty of engaging in that as the other person. Don't play victim when you are the active participant. It's actually easy to say no to what you find inappropriate.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt.

    She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly.

    I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up...

    I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful...
    You put yourself in this position. Don't pursue people in relationships. You are not a victim. You knew better, but your ego got the best of you. You will end up very lonely if you continue with these patterns.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-12-2019 at 11:54 AM.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt.

    She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly.

    I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up...

    I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful...
    You just do not get it. You do not seem to understand that what you did was wrong! Friends do not flirt and have sex with one another, and certainly not when they have partners..

    People will not trust you around their partners.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-12-2019 at 12:24 PM.

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