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Thread: Unhealthy pattern - help?

  1. #11
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    Why didn't you back away when you found out she had a gf?

  2. #12
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    She always blew up my phone and invited me out. I haven't much experience with friendships or relationships, I welcomed the enthusiasm from her. I'm clearly so stupid

  3. #13
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    It basically looks like she was toying with me and as soon as I've questioned the nature of what was going on, I'm being made to look crazy

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    my friend played it down and said nothing was going on between us. Things cooled a bit but we still talked daily. Then we got drunk together one night and she made out with me.
    Why do you go to bed with people that are in a relationship? I think you would do well to figure out why you may have fear of commitment so you find taken chicas safe which causes you to let down your defenses.

    You don't have the boundaries in place to tell a taken person no. That is yours to eat and work through so I respectfully suggest that you stop playing the victim and instead, figure out why you can't say no to people that need to be said no to.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Why do you go to bed with people that are in a relationship? I think you would do well to figure out why you may have fear of commitment so you find taken chicas safe which causes you to let down your defenses.

    You don't have the boundaries in place to tell a taken person no. That is yours to eat and work through so I respectfully suggest that you stop playing the victim and instead, figure out why you can't say no to people that need to be said no to.
    I do think you're right. But it's more of a fear of rejection, as I've never been properly wanted by anyone, and that's why I came here because I don't want to be playing victim as there is so much I'm doing wrong to get to this place. I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially. I just get so caught up in the fact they're showering me with attention...

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    I do think you're right. But it's more of a fear of rejection, as I've never been properly wanted by anyone, and that's why I came here because I don't want to be playing victim as there is so much I'm doing wrong to get to this place. I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially. I just get so caught up in the fact they're showering me with attention...
    Well, if you know that this "showering of attention" is going to lead you in the wrong direction and isn't any good for your emotional health, then you should be vigilant about putting up boundaries and be strong in keeping them in place. If you know they have a partner then you keep it real and you don't do anything with them that crosses the platonic and you have them include their partner when hanging out. A good friend always want's to ensure that their friend is never disrespectful to their partner by crossing boundaries with you. (even if they tell you their relationship isn't doing well because THAT is the mantra of almost all cheaters.)

    You know what to do, you just need to realize that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. Its time to be convicted in your boundaries.

  8. #17
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    Thank you @ThatwasThen. I guess in my heart I secretly hope they'll pick me, but in my head I know they won't and that I shouldn't want them anyway due to the fact that they're unfaithful partners.

    I really hope I never end up in a dynamic like this again. I'm frightened to fall for anyone because it's never straight forward... And yes I always fall for those that are unavailable but their behaviours make me think they're interested. I should really just have more of a backbone with these sorts of people because you're right, I'm letting them treat me however they like, even when I know it's wrong and shouldn't be engaging in it.

  9. #18
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    I'm frightened to fall for anyone because it's never straight forward... And yes I always fall for those that are unavailable but their behaviours make me think they're interested.
    Falling for someone who is single, available and interested in you IS usually straightforward, but only if you're genuinely capable of intimacy with another person. Often people who are only attracted to unavailable partners have deep-seated fears of intimacy which aren't challenged by the 'relationship'. The women you describe were interested; it's just that they were not interested in anything more than a fling, and you were ditched the moment you really wanted anything from them.

    Many heterosexual women who have affairs with married men have the same experience; they will be pursued, taken to bed, treated... all the rest... but it's relatively rare that anything comes of it.

    There is a saying "If they do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you"; these women have already demonstrated their lack of integrity by pursuing you when they are already in a relationship, and the total lack of loyalty to you is just them being themselves. You can't do anything about them, but you can change your own response. When I'm approached by guys who are already attached, I just tell them it's inappropriate, disrespectful to their partners and I won't have anything to do with them. Works for me!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    I guess in my heart I secretly hope they'll pick me, but in my head I know they won't and that I shouldn't want them anyway due to the fact that they're unfaithful partners.
    Itís very common to want that sort of validation from someone who you like. But the prize in these competitions is a cheater. Thatís not a prize at all.

    A good rule of thumb is, if theyíre complaining to you about a partner (or even an ex), run the other way.

    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    I really hope I never end up in a dynamic like this again.
    Then donít. Itís as easy as NOT becoming involved with women who are in relationships.

    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially.
    Itís called ďlove bombingĒ and itís actually quite a common tactic. Look it up.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by NoConnection
    I do think you're right. But it's more of a fear of rejection, as I've never been properly wanted by anyone, and that's why I came here because I don't want to be playing victim as there is so much I'm doing wrong to get to this place. I'm obviously enjoying the attention I initially get from these people and then they drop me when their relationships get back in order, and then I'm left confused by their behaviour when I should be putting boundaries in place initially. I just get so caught up in the fact they're showering me with attention...
    But, they are involved with other people. Don't be that girl! This type of stuff will follow you. Make better choices in friends and partners. These two girls are really sleazy!

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