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Thread: Completely lost....please help

  1. #1

    Completely lost....please help

    Hi everyone,

    This is a long one....
    My ex boyfriend/fiance of 12 years broke up with me and moved on in a matter of weeks with his 20 year old coworker. He is 32 years old. We had been fighting on and off for a few months before the final breakup in January where he actually moved to another room in the house. We've been talking this out for 2 months now as I have had to continue living with him (we live with his parents) due to winter weather, my job, packing etc. I am originally from a different state 4 hours away and moved here to be with him over 10 years ago. Everything I have is here and I am still in love with him. I have tried everything to get him to come back but he claims he had been getting over me since September all while still sleeping next to me and doing everything normally with me. He slowly got to ween himself off of me for months even while obviously looking for a replacement for me then left me to be utterly alone and start from scratch. Since the breakup he has turned to alcohol, drugs, partying, sleeping around, not coming home etc. Leaving his family and I to worry about him. It has literally been unbearable for me to watch the person I love do all of this which is completely the opposite of how he's always been and flaunting it on my face while I'm not even able to function because he is gone. The most hurtful thing about it all is that he promised me he would not bring any women around the house for the couple of months until I move out and he basically moved this new girl in. She is here almost every night and I have to watch the person I love move on in the room right next me. He then told me he never said he wouldn't do this but even if he did he's not putting his life on hold for me. He swears he did not cheat on me or even "look at her like that" until we broke up officially but I know otherwise. It's like I'm watching them have the same relationship we had. He takes her to the same places they sit and watch TV like we did he talks the same way to her it's torture. He is also very pushy with me about us remaining friends and even keeps pushing me to hang out with him and his new girlfriend constantly even though he knows how upsetting this all is for me. I feel like he almost is trying to hurt me on purpose but then he will be nice and come talk to me or take me for coffee etc. He was my first and only boyfriend we've been together since we were 18. I am in therapy and have tried everything possible to get over him and try to move on but I relapse constantly. My biggest issue is that I am unclear on the best place for me to go to actually move on. He thinks I should stay here and find an apartment or roommate and just live here and see him as friends once in a while. I do like my job and my coworkers also don't want me to leave and I feel like I'm letting them down by leaving. My family is in my home state and want me to come back home and get away from him to try to heal. My third option is moving very far away to Florida (I'm in the northeast right now) with other family and go to school, get a job and start over somewhere I have never been. I am terrified to make this choice and I don't know what would be best for me. I do like where I'm at now but I only have my coworkers and his family here and I know if I stay here it would probably be for the wrong reasons as I would be hoping he would come back if I'm still here even after everything he did to me. Florida sounds great but it's a huge move and I'm scared that it's too far away and I won't like it. I don't have alot of time to make the decision and I'm panicking. Any advice would be so helpful. I am stuck. I feel like I can't let go of him and move on. We were best friends and literally did everything together. Same days off, same hobbies, everything. He was my entire life and I can't picture my life without him. It hurts so bad seeing him moving on so fast and not caring about my feelings when I was so important to him for all of these years. I feel like I am addicted to him and I only feel better when I see him but it also makes it worse afterward if that makes sense. That is why it's so hard to decide where to move from here. I can't eat, I can't sleep I am just stuck crying all the time and thinking about what I could have done differently, why he's doing this and how I'm going to live without him never seeing him again. I'm sorry this was so long this is my first time ever posting in a forum. Thank you and literally any advice is welcome!
    Last edited by Geminifeed; 03-11-2019 at 09:52 AM.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    I'm in a similar situation right now, except we have a daughter together. If I had the option of moving away and breaking all contact, I like to believe that is what I would do. It isn't an option for me, and every single thing reminds me of her. I just want to die.

  3. #3
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    This is a house with bees in it and you have to get out!!!!!!! Couch surf, stay at a back packers, be out of that house as much as you possibly can be while you tie up loose ends and get the heck out of dodge.

    I know how it feels to be left reeling by someone who drops the bombshell of abandonment on you (hard, so so so so so sooooooo hard) but that him shaped dust cloud where he just was, that's not him, it will never be him again. Even if he came back he will always be the guy who was comfortable dumping you and moving a new partner into the house where you were still living and rubbing his new relationship right in your face, right in your wounds! And you don't need to have this conversation with him, ever (in fact I strongly recommend you don't) but he is not worthy of your friendship.

    This excruciating pain you're in right now, it will pass, I promise, but you need to pull the knife out first so the wound can heal and that means moving out, blocking him everywhere. If you LOVE your job you could stay where you are and forge a new life in that city. If you could really use your team you around you right now head home, if you want to throw yourself into adventure, then off to Florida. Whatever you do, get out of that house, and remind yourself he stopped treating you like a friend, he is not your friend.

    Edit for nickelspeed: find a way to move out. You don't have to co parent, you can parallel parent using apps (chump lady mentions these often), even if you're not moving out now, get ye self down to see a family lawyer, get a sense of the lay of the land

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My god woman get a grip. You need to get out of that house now, even if it's to a shelter. This guy has zero respect for you and you are tormenting yourself by watching him with the new girl who has taken your place. Find your self esteem and get the hell out. You could be packed and gone in a day.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You got together very young and then, unfortunately stayed way way way too long. The problem is that now he is trying to live the life he missed out on that he should have experienced when he was 20. Literally making up for lost time except that he is 32 and making a complete fool out of himself. That said, do NOT hope that once he gets this out of his system, he'll come back to you. He will not. In his mind, you, your relationship represents chains. He broke loose, but then again, you got broken loose too. This is your chance to also move on and do what you haven't done in the past 10 years - figure out who you are and build your own life for yourself.

    First step is move out of the shared space. I don't care if you have to couch surf at your friend's or co-workers houses for a bit. Just do it. Cut him completely out of your life. Block and delete. How nice of a cheater to ask you to be friends not only with him but with the other woman. Talk about an ego boost while you are still dancing the pick me, come back to me dance. STOP IT. Trust me when I say this toxic situation is not good for you, for your well being, for your self esteem. This chapter of your life is now closed. Pick up and move on. I know it's not easy, but nothing worth having is easy and you are heading for a better life and a better future without a cheating manchild. Change is scary, but it's also exhilarating, exciting, fun, it opens new vistas, fresh experiences, new faces. Embrace it and never look back.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Agree you need to move out asap. That is the only way to get away from this pain and madness. Do not worry about him. At this point it's like he is cheating, but "broke up".
    Originally Posted by Geminifeed

    My ex boyfriend/fiance of 12 years broke up with me and moved on in a matter of weeks with his 20 year old coworker.
    I have had to continue living with him (we live with his parents) due to winter weather, my job, packing etc.
    Since the breakup he has turned to alcohol, drugs, partying, sleeping around, not coming home etc.
    he basically moved this new girl in. She is here almost every night and I have to watch the person I love move on in the room right next me.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Nickel Speed's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 1a1a
    This is a house with bees in it and you have to get out!!!!!!! Couch surf, stay at a back packers, be out of that house as much as you possibly can be while you tie up loose ends and get the heck out of dodge.

    I know how it feels to be left reeling by someone who drops the bombshell of abandonment on you (hard, so so so so so sooooooo hard) but that him shaped dust cloud where he just was, that's not him, it will never be him again. Even if he came back he will always be the guy who was comfortable dumping you and moving a new partner into the house where you were still living and rubbing his new relationship right in your face, right in your wounds! And you don't need to have this conversation with him, ever (in fact I strongly recommend you don't) but he is not worthy of your friendship.

    This excruciating pain you're in right now, it will pass, I promise, but you need to pull the knife out first so the wound can heal and that means moving out, blocking him everywhere. If you LOVE your job you could stay where you are and forge a new life in that city. If you could really use your team you around you right now head home, if you want to throw yourself into adventure, then off to Florida. Whatever you do, get out of that house, and remind yourself he stopped treating you like a friend, he is not your friend.

    Edit for nickelspeed: find a way to move out. You don't have to co parent, you can parallel parent using apps (chump lady mentions these often), even if you're not moving out now, get ye self down to see a family lawyer, get a sense of the lay of the land
    I've started my own thread. I'm not still living with my wife, but see her daily.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    For the love of god please get out of that house! Do what you have always dreamed of doing! Do not, under any circumstances, worry about letting your co-workers or your ex down... it's time for you to worry about yourself and take care of YOU.

    P.S. About the Florida thing. I don't know what kind of job prospects etc. you have there... but if you have the means to move, and a means of supporting yourself once you get there, go! Not because you are running away but because you can't miss the shots you don't take. So what if you don't like it? You can move back closer to family if so. Either that or move closer to your family now and then when you are feeling stronger, take the leap and go.

    At the end of the day I know you still love this guy but if you were to stay and wait for him to come back you are basically saying to yourself that you aren't worthy of someone that will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Gemini* - You are in good hands here....I just wanted to add I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Truly horrific!...It's going to cause trauma and take you some time to recover, so be patient and kind to yourself....Look after your health while he wrecks his....

    As others have said, your immediate task is to get the hell out of there anyway you can. You can then reset and plan what you need to do going forward.

    After my own marriage and life imploded and I got replaced I ended up leaving the country. The lead up to the move was daunting and anxiety provoking, but once you do it the real healing can begin.....

    Sending You Strength*

    Carus*

  11. #10
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    You want this creep back! He does not respect you , I don't even think he even likes you! Terrible treatment!

    Where is your self respect! Get the hell out of that house.

    Perhaps, you should return to school to complete your education, then you can be independent anyone's parents. You should be living on your own.

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