Completely lost....please help

Hi everyone,

This is a long one....

My ex boyfriend/fiance of 12 years broke up with me and moved on in a matter of weeks with his 20 year old coworker. He is 32 years old. We had been fighting on and off for a few months before the final breakup in January where he actually moved to another room in the house. We've been talking this out for 2 months now as I have had to continue living with him (we live with his parents) due to winter weather, my job, packing etc. I am originally from a different state 4 hours away and moved here to be with him over 10 years ago. Everything I have is here and I am still in love with him. I have tried everything to get him to come back but he claims he had been getting over me since September all while still sleeping next to me and doing everything normally with me. He slowly got to ween himself off of me for months even while obviously looking for a replacement for me then left me to be utterly alone and start from scratch. Since the breakup he has turned to alcohol, drugs, partying, sleeping around, not coming home etc. Leaving his family and I to worry about him. It has literally been unbearable for me to watch the person I love do all of this which is completely the opposite of how he's always been and flaunting it on my face while I'm not even able to function because he is gone. The most hurtful thing about it all is that he promised me he would not bring any women around the house for the couple of months until I move out and he basically moved this new girl in. She is here almost every night and I have to watch the person I love move on in the room right next me. He then told me he never said he wouldn't do this but even if he did he's not putting his life on hold for me. He swears he did not cheat on me or even "look at her like that" until we broke up officially but I know otherwise. It's like I'm watching them have the same relationship we had. He takes her to the same places they sit and watch TV like we did he talks the same way to her it's torture. He is also very pushy with me about us remaining friends and even keeps pushing me to hang out with him and his new girlfriend constantly even though he knows how upsetting this all is for me. I feel like he almost is trying to hurt me on purpose but then he will be nice and come talk to me or take me for coffee etc. He was my first and only boyfriend we've been together since we were 18. I am in therapy and have tried everything possible to get over him and try to move on but I relapse constantly. My biggest issue is that I am unclear on the best place for me to go to actually move on. He thinks I should stay here and find an apartment or roommate and just live here and see him as friends once in a while. I do like my job and my coworkers also don't want me to leave and I feel like I'm letting them down by leaving. My family is in my home state and want me to come back home and get away from him to try to heal. My third option is moving very far away to Florida (I'm in the northeast right now) with other family and go to school, get a job and start over somewhere I have never been. I am terrified to make this choice and I don't know what would be best for me. I do like where I'm at now but I only have my coworkers and his family here and I know if I stay here it would probably be for the wrong reasons as I would be hoping he would come back if I'm still here even after everything he did to me. Florida sounds great but it's a huge move and I'm scared that it's too far away and I won't like it. I don't have alot of time to make the decision and I'm panicking. Any advice would be so helpful. I am stuck. I feel like I can't let go of him and move on. We were best friends and literally did everything together. Same days off, same hobbies, everything. He was my entire life and I can't picture my life without him. It hurts so bad seeing him moving on so fast and not caring about my feelings when I was so important to him for all of these years. I feel like I am addicted to him and I only feel better when I see him but it also makes it worse afterward if that makes sense. That is why it's so hard to decide where to move from here. I can't eat, I can't sleep I am just stuck crying all the time and thinking about what I could have done differently, why he's doing this and how I'm going to live without him never seeing him again. I'm sorry this was so long this is my first time ever posting in a forum. Thank you and literally any advice is welcome!

I'm in a similar situation right now, except we have a daughter together. If I had the option of moving away and breaking all contact, I like to believe that is what I would do. It isn't an option for me, and every single thing reminds me of her. I just want to die.

This is a house with bees in it and you have to get out!!!!!!! Couch surf, stay at a back packers, be out of that house as much as you possibly can be while you tie up loose ends and get the heck out of dodge.

I know how it feels to be left reeling by someone who drops the bombshell of abandonment on you (hard, so so so so so sooooooo hard) but that him shaped dust cloud where he just was, that's not him, it will never be him again. Even if he came back he will always be the guy who was comfortable dumping you and moving a new partner into the house where you were still living and rubbing his new relationship right in your face, right in your wounds! And you don't need to have this conversation with him, ever (in fact I strongly recommend you don't) but he is not worthy of your friendship.

This excruciating pain you're in right now, it will pass, I promise, but you need to pull the knife out first so the wound can heal and that means moving out, blocking him everywhere. If you LOVE your job you could stay where you are and forge a new life in that city. If you could really use your team you around you right now head home, if you want to throw yourself into adventure, then off to Florida. Whatever you do, get out of that house, and remind yourself he stopped treating you like a friend, he is not your friend.

Edit for nickelspeed: find a way to move out. You don't have to co parent, you can parallel parent using apps (chump lady mentions these often), even if you're not moving out now, get ye self down to see a family lawyer, get a sense of the lay of the land

My god woman get a grip. You need to get out of that house now, even if it's to a shelter. This guy has zero respect for you and you are tormenting yourself by watching him with the new girl who has taken your place. Find your self esteem and get the hell out. You could be packed and gone in a day.

You got together very young and then, unfortunately stayed way way way too long. The problem is that now he is trying to live the life he missed out on that he should have experienced when he was 20. Literally making up for lost time except that he is 32 and making a complete fool out of himself. That said, do NOT hope that once he gets this out of his system, he'll come back to you. He will not. In his mind, you, your relationship represents chains. He broke loose, but then again, you got broken loose too. This is your chance to also move on and do what you haven't done in the past 10 years - figure out who you are and build your own life for yourself.

First step is move out of the shared space. I don't care if you have to couch surf at your friend's or co-workers houses for a bit. Just do it. Cut him completely out of your life. Block and delete. How nice of a cheater to ask you to be friends not only with him but with the other woman. Talk about an ego boost while you are still dancing the pick me, come back to me dance. STOP IT. Trust me when I say this toxic situation is not good for you, for your well being, for your self esteem. This chapter of your life is now closed. Pick up and move on. I know it's not easy, but nothing worth having is easy and you are heading for a better life and a better future without a cheating manchild. Change is scary, but it's also exhilarating, exciting, fun, it opens new vistas, fresh experiences, new faces. Embrace it and never look back.

Sorry to hear this. Agree you need to move out asap. That is the only way to get away from this pain and madness. Do not worry about him. At this point it's like he is cheating, but "broke up".

 

My ex boyfriend/fiance of 12 years broke up with me and moved on in a matter of weeks with his 20 year old coworker.

I have had to continue living with him (we live with his parents) due to winter weather, my job, packing etc.

Since the breakup he has turned to alcohol, drugs, partying, sleeping around, not coming home etc.

he basically moved this new girl in. She is here almost every night and I have to watch the person I love move on in the room right next me.

This is a house with bees in it and you have to get out!!!!!!! Couch surf, stay at a back packers, be out of that house as much as you possibly can be while you tie up loose ends and get the heck out of dodge.

 

I know how it feels to be left reeling by someone who drops the bombshell of abandonment on you (hard, so so so so so sooooooo hard) but that him shaped dust cloud where he just was, that's not him, it will never be him again. Even if he came back he will always be the guy who was comfortable dumping you and moving a new partner into the house where you were still living and rubbing his new relationship right in your face, right in your wounds! And you don't need to have this conversation with him, ever (in fact I strongly recommend you don't) but he is not worthy of your friendship.

 

This excruciating pain you're in right now, it will pass, I promise, but you need to pull the knife out first so the wound can heal and that means moving out, blocking him everywhere. If you LOVE your job you could stay where you are and forge a new life in that city. If you could really use your team you around you right now head home, if you want to throw yourself into adventure, then off to Florida. Whatever you do, get out of that house, and remind yourself he stopped treating you like a friend, he is not your friend.

 

Edit for nickelspeed: find a way to move out. You don't have to co parent, you can parallel parent using apps (chump lady mentions these often), even if you're not moving out now, get ye self down to see a family lawyer, get a sense of the lay of the land

I've started my own thread. I'm not still living with my wife, but see her daily.

For the love of god please get out of that house! Do what you have always dreamed of doing! Do not, under any circumstances, worry about letting your co-workers or your ex down... it's time for you to worry about yourself and take care of YOU.

P.S. About the Florida thing. I don't know what kind of job prospects etc. you have there... but if you have the means to move, and a means of supporting yourself once you get there, go! Not because you are running away but because you can't miss the shots you don't take. So what if you don't like it? You can move back closer to family if so. Either that or move closer to your family now and then when you are feeling stronger, take the leap and go.

At the end of the day I know you still love this guy but if you were to stay and wait for him to come back you are basically saying to yourself that you aren't worthy of someone that will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

Gemini* - You are in good hands here....I just wanted to add I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Truly horrific!...It's going to cause trauma and take you some time to recover, so be patient and kind to yourself....Look after your health while he wrecks his....

As others have said, your immediate task is to get the hell out of there anyway you can. You can then reset and plan what you need to do going forward.

After my own marriage and life imploded and I got replaced I ended up leaving the country. The lead up to the move was daunting and anxiety provoking, but once you do it the real healing can begin.....

Sending You Strength*

Carus*

You want this creep back! He does not respect you , I don't even think he even likes you! Terrible treatment!

Where is your self respect! Get the hell out of that house.

Perhaps, you should return to school to complete your education, then you can be independent anyone's parents. You should be living on your own.

Where is your self respect! Get the hell out of that house.

 

Perhaps, you should return to school to complete your education, then you can be independent anyone's parents. You should be living on your own.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a little judgemental to say that someone should be living on their own. There are a great many circumstances in which someone would live with another (including parents) that doesn't involve the negative assumption/connotation that that person is dependent on someone else and their hospitality.

Also, when someone is in love with another and they get a sudden shock like this, it can take time to process and work through the love they feel. It doesn't mean she lacks self respect even if she has allowed herself to temporarily lose her own power. At some point she will make it through it and take back her power and control of the situation and her life. Until then, a little less judgement when you're delivering your opinion/advice might be more effective even if your points are valid.

This guy is not your friend. I would actually view him as your enemy right now because it seems very clear that he is doing whatever it takes to hurt you.

And you are taking it lying down because right now you cannot see the wood for the trees. And I do understand how that can happen when we feel so in love with someone. He has convinced you somehow that this is normal and okay behavior. It is not.

Having said that, you should have left the moment he broke up with you. To stay living with him was a big mistake. I have made that mistake too in my past and will never make it again.

You have two very feasible options available to you. Move home with family OR move to Florida for a new start.

If Florida is too daunting then I suggest going home to your parents to lick your wounds and grieve the end of this relationship in your own space. Florida will always be there as a lter option when you feel more ready.

I know you are so sad and so hurt but I promise you time will heal all of this and you will look back in disgust at his behavior.

For now, make your plans ASAP, say goodbye and thank you to his family and get yourself the hell of his life.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a little judgemental to say that someone should be living on their own. There are a great many circumstances in which someone would live with another (including parents) that doesn't involve the negative assumption/connotation that that person is dependent on someone else and their hospitality.

 

Also, when someone is in love with another and they get a sudden shock like this, it can take time to process and work through the love they feel. It doesn't mean she lacks self respect even if she has allowed herself to temporarily lose her own power. At some point she will make it through it and take back her power and control of the situation and her life. Until then, a little less judgement when you're delivering your opinion/advice might be more effective even if your points are valid.

Living with parents for 12 years. i think a couple should be independent, unless it is within the culture and they are helping to support the family unit.

By staying in that house while he parades his new girlfriend in front of her, is showing a lack of self respect. She should have moved out immediately.

By staying in that house while he parades his new girlfriend in front of her, is showing a lack of self respect. She should have moved out immediately.

I agree that she should move out and it would have been best had she done so as soon as the relationship ended. But, the fact is that you don't know what the dynamic is of their family and what culture they have. I also lived with my (now ex) boyfriend with his family in Germany, but the house was designed so each floor was self contained and we were saving money. Living communally doesn't always mean dependent.

As for remaining there, she might be in such a situation that she wasn't in a position to move out straight away. Granted, that doesn't seem likely in this instance, and you're not wrong in the advice you give, but your delivery is a bit full-on and you've made a few assumptions about her circumstances without actually asking. Just saying.

My ex boyfriend/fiance of 12 years broke up with me and moved on in a matter of weeks with his 20 year old coworker. He is 32 years old.

 

(we live with his parents)

 

She is here almost every night and I have to watch the person I love move on in the room right next me.

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that his parents put up with this situation, of allowing their son to bring all of his girlfriends to live in their home, and even worse, dump his EX (you), and then bring the new girl in. Like whaaaat??? Truly a weird scenario (imo).

I would get out of that house so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. Move back to family, or a friend, a shelter, just anywhere else. I know you're hurting and it's really hard, but the worst thing you can do is stay in that same house. The sooner you get out the better. Self-respect.

I agree that she should move out and it would have been best had she done so as soon as the relationship ended. But, the fact is that you don't know what the dynamic is of their family and what culture they have. I also lived with my (now ex) boyfriend with his family in Germany, but the house was designed so each floor was self contained and we were saving money. Living communally doesn't always mean dependent.

 

As for remaining there, she might be in such a situation that she wasn't in a position to move out straight away. Granted, that doesn't seem likely in this instance, and you're not wrong in the advice you give, but your delivery is a bit full-on and you've made a few assumptions about her circumstances without actually asking. Just saying.

The fact that they are not married, I would assume that this is not a traditional culture- ruled that out. I think that kids should be independent of the parents if they are over 25- unless there is a medical condition or life emergency of some sort. Just how I feel.

Everybody else is saying the same thing. She showing herself no self respect by staying, and that she should have left.

I am in therapy and have tried everything possible to get over him and try to move on but I relapse constantly.

No, you have not tried moving out, which is what you should do.

If I were you, I would move out of state. I'd probably take the Florida option, since that includes college and thus an opportunity to improve your life beyond simply getting over your ex.

Get it out of your head that this is temporary. He is gone.

Believe me, you want him gone. He is completely self-centered. He has no respect for you or your feelings.

Sometimes it takes a surprisingly long time before someone shows their true colors.

I remember years ago, something similar happened to my sister's best friend. She married her longtime boyfriend when they were in their mid 20s. I think by that point they'd been together for 10 years or something crazy like that. He was a totally nice guy. But he went off the deep end a couple years after they were married and had their daughter. They had a nasty divorce. He started doing drugs and drinking. He's remained a total loser for the last 15 years. No idea what happened there, but it was permanent.

So, get on with your life as quickly as you possibly can.

You are going to be ok! One step at a time, you don't have to figure everything out at once. First step is to get out of that house. It's toxic, it's making things worse.

Lotus black, just stop. People need to stop normalizing arrested development. That doesn't help. She 32 and has made this man her life. He's a loser who brought her to live in his parents home, now he's doing the same all over again with a 20 year old. Clearly something is wrong in that family, massive codependency.

She has a chance to live her own life now. It's a blessing, even if it is under very tough push of circumstance.

He is also very pushy with me about us remaining friends and even keeps pushing me to hang out with him and his new girlfriend constantly even though he knows how upsetting this all is for me. I feel like he almost is trying to hurt me on purpose but then he will be nice and come talk to me or take me for coffee etc. My biggest issue is that I am unclear on the best place for me to go to actually move on. He thinks I should stay here and find an apartment or roommate and just live here and see him as friends once in a while.

He has absolutely no say in your decision. I don't care how pushy he is. He's demoted you to a friend and wants to keep you as a plaything.

You have other very good choices and a family that cares about you. Pick one of them and be done with this toxic mess.

Stay in therapy, surround yourself with family and friends. The further away you get from him the clearer things will become.

You say you're addicted and appears to be so. What do addicts do to kick their habit? They stop and remove themselves from the situation.

He slowly got to ween himself off of me for months even while obviously looking for a replacement for me then left me to be utterly alone and start from scratch. Since the breakup he has turned to alcohol, drugs, partying, sleeping around, not coming home etc. Leaving his family and I to worry about him.

First, he got to process the breakup before it happened, you didn't, so you are behind him on the grief curve.

Secondly, the process for the dumper is different - they process before so that when they actually break, they feel relieved, elated even. Reconsideration and regret phases will only come later if you get out of there and are not part of his life in any way or shape.

Thirdly, he is acting out in a not untypical way for a dumper - convincing himself he made the right decision by doing things he didn't do with you - its a faux sense of freedom.

Fourthly, the 20yo is a rebound. Or he overlapped with her. Either way, it probably won't last. Because 20yos don't often stay for 12 years, more usually they have some shorter relationships while they sample what's out there.

Fifthly this is not your problem. He chose to demote you. You should not be worrying about him. You should be focused on your own healing.

My biggest issue is that I am unclear on the best place for me to go to actually move on. He thinks I should stay here and find an apartment or roommate and just live here and see him as friends once in a while.

Sixth, say NO to friendship. Not now, probably never. If you stay friends you will not be able to heal and move on, also it will not improve your chances of getting back with him. Once you are in the friendzone that usually kills any chance of romantic reconciliation.

Seventh, while you are still in proximity to him and in communication you will not be able to heal and move on. You still have feelings for him, but not he for you. You now need to get out of there and lead your life without him in it.

Eighth, YOU decide what is best for you. Ignore what he wants, he doesn't get to order you around. Do not talk to him about what you are doing, it is no longer any of his business, because you are not going to be his "friend".

Ninth, if by seeing you as a friend he actually means hooking up once in a while, all the more reason to reject any ongoing friendship.

Tenth, move out to an apartment with a roomate or whatever ASAP - as in next weekend. Stay in your current job for a while, while you decide if moving back to your home town is a better option. You will work out whether it is when you experience single life in your current location. Just let that decision come naturally over time.

I feel like I can't let go of him and move on.

General comment-

Your current situation is TOXIC.

You will not be able to heal and move on while you are in it.

You need to remove yourself from it, and you may need to geographically remove yourself from it to another state. See point 10.

Once you physically move out, then: -

A - Say NO to the friendzone nonsense.

B - Go into no contact - block numbers, delete social media contacts, etc. Do this with his family as well. Interacting with them is indirectly interacting with him. Also, any social media friends who are really his friends, get rid of them too.

C - Work on yourself. Exercise is good because you get endorphin release. Work hard at work, get a promotion, take up a new hobby. Meet some new people. This is linked to point 10 above as well.

D - Stop worrying about him. He has acted vary poorly, he doesn't deserve your concern.

E -Throw out any sentimental things that remind you of him. If that is a bit hard, put them in a box and tape it shut. Use lots of tape. You can throw it out in a couple of years when you need the space for something useful.

It will be hard at first, it always is, but over time you will heal.

Final comment: Do not become someone not far away, in his orbit. My guess is he wants to keep you as a plan B, in case Goldilocks gets bored, or finds someone her own age.

You are better than that.

Edit (out of time) to above post - I said "move out to an apartment with a roomate or whatever ASAP - as in next weekend"

On reflection, if its possible, ask your boss if you can have a morning or afternoon off to do it while the ex and Goldilocks are not there.

If there is something you want to take that might cause a dispute, leave it there, it is not worth the hassle.

Thank you everyone so much for your responses and advice. You don't know how much it means to me. To clear a few things up, we did not live with my ex's parents for cultural reasons. I had been trying for years to move out but he was unwilling to go, always blaming me or money for the reason he wouldn't leave there. His parents did enable it also. As for the moving situation, my last day of work is Friday and I am leaving this weekend to head to my mom's house before leaving to Florida to stay with other family and go to school and work. I have that taken care of but I am still dealing with a lot of guilt over my part in the breakup as my ex insists that because I wouldn't change (he gave me a list of everything he wanted me to change a few months ago/an ultimatum) he was forced to move on. He also continues to invite me to the movies and to hang out with him and his girlfriend before I leave and I feel like maybe I'm overreacting by being completely hurt by this? Again any help is welcome. I am kept up at night by the what ifs and thinking how all of this is my fault and that he's acting like this because of me.

. I am still dealing with a lot of guilt over my part in the breakup as my ex insists that because I wouldn't change (he gave me a list of everything he wanted me to change a few months ago/an ultimatum) he was forced to move on. He also continues to invite me to the movies and to hang out with him and his girlfriend before I leave and I feel like maybe I'm overreacting by being completely hurt by this? Again any help is welcome. I am kept up at night by the what ifs and thinking how all of this is my fault and that he's acting like this because of me.

My goodness. This sounds like my worst nightmares, literally! Go, go, go! Don’t think, don’t feel guilty. Don’t let yourself feel anything but anger towards this dump of a man!

Call a friend or co-worker or anything and live there until you can go, even if it’s just for a few days. Then ignore him. Just think self preservation first right now, everything else can be thought through later. You don’t have to deal with the “never again”-emotions right now. Just survive!

Even if he “gave you an ultimatum list” (which seems crazy btw), he is acting like an ass with this new girl. This is not normal behavior, not from him OR her!

When you’re out of this situation, then you can get to the other stuff. It’s hard, but you’ll survive!

When my ex broke it off with me I was out of there that day. Lived with friends and family until I was able to get another place to live, then rallied everyone to help me move. Took approximately 3weeks all in all. Then everything sucked for quite a while, still does, but it’s different kinds of waves with different kind of emotions.

And - big hug from me!

“You’re enough, you’re enough, you are enough!” -Kodaline

Sorry to hear this is happening. You need to make other arrangements and move out asap and tell him, his folks and his new gf to shove it.

I am leaving this weekend to head to my mom's house

he gave me a list of everything he wanted me to change a few months ago/an ultimatum

He also continues to invite me to the movies and to hang out with him and his girlfriend.