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Thread: Completely lost....please help

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Where is your self respect! Get the hell out of that house.

    Perhaps, you should return to school to complete your education, then you can be independent anyone's parents. You should be living on your own.
    I'm sorry, but I think it's a little judgemental to say that someone should be living on their own. There are a great many circumstances in which someone would live with another (including parents) that doesn't involve the negative assumption/connotation that that person is dependent on someone else and their hospitality.

    Also, when someone is in love with another and they get a sudden shock like this, it can take time to process and work through the love they feel. It doesn't mean she lacks self respect even if she has allowed herself to temporarily lose her own power. At some point she will make it through it and take back her power and control of the situation and her life. Until then, a little less judgement when you're delivering your opinion/advice might be more effective even if your points are valid.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    This guy is not your friend. I would actually view him as your enemy right now because it seems very clear that he is doing whatever it takes to hurt you.

    And you are taking it lying down because right now you cannot see the wood for the trees. And I do understand how that can happen when we feel so in love with someone. He has convinced you somehow that this is normal and okay behavior. It is not.

    Having said that, you should have left the moment he broke up with you. To stay living with him was a big mistake. I have made that mistake too in my past and will never make it again.

    You have two very feasible options available to you. Move home with family OR move to Florida for a new start.
    If Florida is too daunting then I suggest going home to your parents to lick your wounds and grieve the end of this relationship in your own space. Florida will always be there as a lter option when you feel more ready.

    I know you are so sad and so hurt but I promise you time will heal all of this and you will look back in disgust at his behavior.

    For now, make your plans ASAP, say goodbye and thank you to his family and get yourself the hell of his life.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by LotusBlack
    I'm sorry, but I think it's a little judgemental to say that someone should be living on their own. There are a great many circumstances in which someone would live with another (including parents) that doesn't involve the negative assumption/connotation that that person is dependent on someone else and their hospitality.

    Also, when someone is in love with another and they get a sudden shock like this, it can take time to process and work through the love they feel. It doesn't mean she lacks self respect even if she has allowed herself to temporarily lose her own power. At some point she will make it through it and take back her power and control of the situation and her life. Until then, a little less judgement when you're delivering your opinion/advice might be more effective even if your points are valid.
    Living with parents for 12 years. i think a couple should be independent, unless it is within the culture and they are helping to support the family unit.

    By staying in that house while he parades his new girlfriend in front of her, is showing a lack of self respect. She should have moved out immediately.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    By staying in that house while he parades his new girlfriend in front of her, is showing a lack of self respect. She should have moved out immediately.
    I agree that she should move out and it would have been best had she done so as soon as the relationship ended. But, the fact is that you don't know what the dynamic is of their family and what culture they have. I also lived with my (now ex) boyfriend with his family in Germany, but the house was designed so each floor was self contained and we were saving money. Living communally doesn't always mean dependent.

    As for remaining there, she might be in such a situation that she wasn't in a position to move out straight away. Granted, that doesn't seem likely in this instance, and you're not wrong in the advice you give, but your delivery is a bit full-on and you've made a few assumptions about her circumstances without actually asking. Just saying.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    My ex boyfriend/fiance of 12 years broke up with me and moved on in a matter of weeks with his 20 year old coworker. He is 32 years old.

    (we live with his parents)

    She is here almost every night and I have to watch the person I love move on in the room right next me.
    I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that his parents put up with this situation, of allowing their son to bring all of his girlfriends to live in their home, and even worse, dump his EX (you), and then bring the new girl in. Like whaaaat??? Truly a weird scenario (imo).

    I would get out of that house so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. Move back to family, or a friend, a shelter, just anywhere else. I know you're hurting and it's really hard, but the worst thing you can do is stay in that same house. The sooner you get out the better. Self-respect.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by LotusBlack
    I agree that she should move out and it would have been best had she done so as soon as the relationship ended. But, the fact is that you don't know what the dynamic is of their family and what culture they have. I also lived with my (now ex) boyfriend with his family in Germany, but the house was designed so each floor was self contained and we were saving money. Living communally doesn't always mean dependent.

    As for remaining there, she might be in such a situation that she wasn't in a position to move out straight away. Granted, that doesn't seem likely in this instance, and you're not wrong in the advice you give, but your delivery is a bit full-on and you've made a few assumptions about her circumstances without actually asking. Just saying.
    The fact that they are not married, I would assume that this is not a traditional culture- ruled that out. I think that kids should be independent of the parents if they are over 25- unless there is a medical condition or life emergency of some sort. Just how I feel.

    Everybody else is saying the same thing. She showing herself no self respect by staying, and that she should have left.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    I am in therapy and have tried everything possible to get over him and try to move on but I relapse constantly.
    No, you have not tried moving out, which is what you should do.

    If I were you, I would move out of state. I'd probably take the Florida option, since that includes college and thus an opportunity to improve your life beyond simply getting over your ex.

    Get it out of your head that this is temporary. He is gone.

    Believe me, you want him gone. He is completely self-centered. He has no respect for you or your feelings.

    Sometimes it takes a surprisingly long time before someone shows their true colors.

    I remember years ago, something similar happened to my sister's best friend. She married her longtime boyfriend when they were in their mid 20s. I think by that point they'd been together for 10 years or something crazy like that. He was a totally nice guy. But he went off the deep end a couple years after they were married and had their daughter. They had a nasty divorce. He started doing drugs and drinking. He's remained a total loser for the last 15 years. No idea what happened there, but it was permanent.

    So, get on with your life as quickly as you possibly can.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    You are going to be ok! One step at a time, you don't have to figure everything out at once. First step is to get out of that house. It's toxic, it's making things worse.

    Lotus black, just stop. People need to stop normalizing arrested development. That doesn't help. She 32 and has made this man her life. He's a loser who brought her to live in his parents home, now he's doing the same all over again with a 20 year old. Clearly something is wrong in that family, massive codependency.

    She has a chance to live her own life now. It's a blessing, even if it is under very tough push of circumstance.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    He is also very pushy with me about us remaining friends and even keeps pushing me to hang out with him and his new girlfriend constantly even though he knows how upsetting this all is for me. I feel like he almost is trying to hurt me on purpose but then he will be nice and come talk to me or take me for coffee etc. My biggest issue is that I am unclear on the best place for me to go to actually move on. He thinks I should stay here and find an apartment or roommate and just live here and see him as friends once in a while.
    He has absolutely no say in your decision. I don't care how pushy he is. He's demoted you to a friend and wants to keep you as a plaything.

    You have other very good choices and a family that cares about you. Pick one of them and be done with this toxic mess.

    Stay in therapy, surround yourself with family and friends. The further away you get from him the clearer things will become.

    You say you're addicted and appears to be so. What do addicts do to kick their habit? They stop and remove themselves from the situation.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Geminifeed
    He slowly got to ween himself off of me for months even while obviously looking for a replacement for me then left me to be utterly alone and start from scratch. Since the breakup he has turned to alcohol, drugs, partying, sleeping around, not coming home etc. Leaving his family and I to worry about him.
    First, he got to process the breakup before it happened, you didn't, so you are behind him on the grief curve.

    Secondly, the process for the dumper is different - they process before so that when they actually break, they feel relieved, elated even. Reconsideration and regret phases will only come later if you get out of there and are not part of his life in any way or shape.

    Thirdly, he is acting out in a not untypical way for a dumper - convincing himself he made the right decision by doing things he didn't do with you - its a faux sense of freedom.

    Fourthly, the 20yo is a rebound. Or he overlapped with her. Either way, it probably won't last. Because 20yos don't often stay for 12 years, more usually they have some shorter relationships while they sample what's out there.

    Fifthly this is not your problem. He chose to demote you. You should not be worrying about him. You should be focused on your own healing.

    My biggest issue is that I am unclear on the best place for me to go to actually move on. He thinks I should stay here and find an apartment or roommate and just live here and see him as friends once in a while.
    Sixth, say NO to friendship. Not now, probably never. If you stay friends you will not be able to heal and move on, also it will not improve your chances of getting back with him. Once you are in the friendzone that usually kills any chance of romantic reconciliation.

    Seventh, while you are still in proximity to him and in communication you will not be able to heal and move on. You still have feelings for him, but not he for you. You now need to get out of there and lead your life without him in it.

    Eighth, YOU decide what is best for you. Ignore what he wants, he doesn't get to order you around. Do not talk to him about what you are doing, it is no longer any of his business, because you are not going to be his "friend".

    Ninth, if by seeing you as a friend he actually means hooking up once in a while, all the more reason to reject any ongoing friendship.

    Tenth, move out to an apartment with a roomate or whatever ASAP - as in next weekend. Stay in your current job for a while, while you decide if moving back to your home town is a better option. You will work out whether it is when you experience single life in your current location. Just let that decision come naturally over time.
    I feel like I can't let go of him and move on.
    General comment-

    Your current situation is TOXIC.

    You will not be able to heal and move on while you are in it.

    You need to remove yourself from it, and you may need to geographically remove yourself from it to another state. See point 10.

    Once you physically move out, then: -

    A - Say NO to the friendzone nonsense.

    B - Go into no contact - block numbers, delete social media contacts, etc. Do this with his family as well. Interacting with them is indirectly interacting with him. Also, any social media friends who are really his friends, get rid of them too.

    C - Work on yourself. Exercise is good because you get endorphin release. Work hard at work, get a promotion, take up a new hobby. Meet some new people. This is linked to point 10 above as well.

    D - Stop worrying about him. He has acted vary poorly, he doesn't deserve your concern.

    E -Throw out any sentimental things that remind you of him. If that is a bit hard, put them in a box and tape it shut. Use lots of tape. You can throw it out in a couple of years when you need the space for something useful.

    It will be hard at first, it always is, but over time you will heal.

    Final comment: Do not become someone not far away, in his orbit. My guess is he wants to keep you as a plan B, in case Goldilocks gets bored, or finds someone her own age.

    You are better than that.
    Last edited by RayRay63; 03-12-2019 at 01:34 AM. Reason: spelling

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