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Thread: Dancing With Demons

  1. #61
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    She's about to be 3. I'm not so sure she has any concept of the idea we are even apart.
    She knows she doesnít live with you. I had divorced parents. My parents broke up when I was 1 and then they had to leave me behind when they moved the west coast when I was 4. I was left with my momís parents for a few months. My parents finally divorced when I was 6. My mom remarried when I was 7. They divorced when I was 11. She got back together with my dad when I was 14. And they broke up 10 more times between my being 14 and 24 . Then they parted for good.

    I raised my own child to adulthood and own my own daycare . Kids realize far more than you know. It is guilt that makes us want to believe they donít.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    She knows she doesnít live with you. I had divorced parents. My parents broke up when I was 1 and then they had to leave me behind when they moved the west coast when I was 4. I was left with my momís parents for a few months. My parents finally divorced when I was 6. My mom remarried when I was 7. They divorced when I was 11. She got back together with my dad when I was 14. And they broke up 10 more times between my being 14 and 24 . Then they parted for good.

    I raised my own child to adulthood and own my own daycare . Kids realize far more than you know. It is guilt that makes us want to believe they donít.

    I feel no guilt because the separation was not my choice. She knows we don't live together, but things are carrying on as normal. She sleeps fine, no acting out or anything to be noted. Currently she is alternating between her mom and I: 2 days, 2 days, 3 days.

    We let her facetime the other parent any time she wants and typically sees each of us every day except for now with her mother out of town.

    I also had divorced parents.

  3. #63
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    Just donít lull yourself into thinking she knows nothing because itís not true.

  4. #64
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Just donít lull yourself into thinking she knows nothing because itís not true.
    Sera, I disagree very much, at 3 they're barely mastering language, they don't have concepts of divorce yet.

    Seeing them fight or argue, absolutely, but together...thats a stretch...The harm of the playdates is to HIM not the child.

    In fact many successful co parents DO present a united front and attend events together, so why you're saying all this is confusing, I don't know maybe I'm defensive because i co parent, I just disagree very much that a 3 year old will be damaged by seeing them together. There's no way to avoid that they're separating. I think a smooth transition is best, so I completely agree with you there, and he agrees he needs to stop the playdates, but what are you attempting to say? whats the alternative to being peaceful? they exchange her at the police station? I guess I just dont see what argument youre attempting to make.

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  6. #65
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    They donít understand what divorce is but because a child doesnít have the linguistic skills doesnít mean they donít understand concepts or what is spoken to them. Babies understand all kinds of words they donít speak themselves yet. I spoke 2 languages and in full sentences by 3. I have a 3 year old who turned 3 in Feb in my daycare who has an outstanding command of language and concepts. You would think she was 10 but for her size.

    At 4 I understood my dad was batshyte crazy.

  7. #66
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    Of course I am not saying they should not be peaceful or exchange at the police station thatís ridiculous and unnecessary to say. What I am saying is donít give a kid false hope.

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    We aren't trying to give our kid any false hope. We just want her to have what we were never able to have. My parents hated each other, so did hers. I had to deliver messages between them my whole childhood and watch them badmouth the other parent, etc. I was always in the middle. My wife described her childhood the same.

    At the same time, I want my daughter to remember both of her parents and how they were together. It's tough, because I had no idea my wife was not happy. We got along so well most of the time. We practically never argued. I guess that's why I am still in shell-shock and trying to process it all.

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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    We aren't trying to give our kid any false hope. We just want her to have what we were never able to have. My parents hated each other, so did hers. I had to deliver messages between them my whole childhood and watch them badmouth the other parent, etc. I was always in the middle. My wife described her childhood the same.

    At the same time, I want my daughter to remember both of her parents and how they were together. It's tough, because I had no idea my wife was not happy. We got along so well most of the time. We practically never argued. I guess that's why I am still in shell-shock and trying to process it all.
    I totally get what you mean. My parents were stuck in a domestic abuse nightmare.

  10. 03-13-2019, 07:41 PM

  11. #69
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    They donít understand what divorce is but because a child doesnít have the linguistic skills doesnít mean they donít understand concepts or what is spoken to them.
    There is also Body Memory....Even at a very young age any types of abuse, trauma or abandonment gets stored in there....These wounds are deep and can certainly get triggered way later in life....

    Body Memory starts a lot earlier than full hippocampus which is still under developed in this stage of life*

    Carus*

  12. #70
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    There is also Body Memory....Even at a very young age any types of abuse, trauma or abandonment gets stored in there....These wounds are deep and can certainly get triggered way later in life....

    Body Memory starts a lot earlier than full hippocampus which is still under developed in this stage of life*

    Carus*
    Absolutely. They talked to me about body memory and cell memory in therapy since my first trauma was at a year old. Even my EMDR therapist said the body remembers and stores trauma and unless you unload it , it will destroy your body. Which is definitely true of me. It has greatly exacerbated my genetic diseases.

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