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Thread: Dancing With Demons

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    I haven't, and I likely won't. I considered it, and I'm just not comfortable going to counseling. I personally do not believe I would find peace by paying a stranger or strangers to talk with me. I do understand the appeal however.
    Well, what you are doing is clearly not working. What are you afraid of?

    You need tools to process this, most especially for your child. She should be your main concern at this point.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    I do realize the mistakes I made. I reflected on them deeply. They were bad habits and I put my full faith and effort in breaking them. Even my ex acknowledges this. My way of coping with stressful situations was making jokes. It was a habit. I now choose to face them.

    I would not say my OCD is out of control. I had very basic desires. I have never requested a spotless home and I did much more work in maintaining it. My mistake was wishing she cared about it as much as I did. I'd say I've learned my lesson at this point.

    My refusal to recognize achievement? I was literally teasing her about a letter grade. Of course a 94 is great. In hindsight, it was indeed too a mistake. I've always supported her. I helped her get out of debt. I helped her get a much high paying job. I supported her every step of the way and increased my household duties when she wanted to go back to school. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for that woman.

    Who said I was emotionally distant? I'm confused by your rant. Just because I don't believe in therapy?
    No, my rant is basically an attempt to toss a cold bucket of wake you up. You are still totally in denial about how serious your behavioral issues are. You still see it as harmless joking, but it just isn't and you are reaping the consequences of that. These aren't just bad habits or mistakes, it's how your mind is wired at the moment and it takes a whole lot more to rewire your thinking than just feeling sorry about the bad consequences. It's kind of like you have learned a bad way to serve in tennis. If you don't go to a coach and spend hours breaking the bad habits and retraining how to swing and serve correctly, you'll just go back to what feels comfortable. Passive aggressive behavior is more deeply rooted and way more damaging to you and anyone having to deal with you than you realize.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by dancingfool
    ...oh...so you'd rather continue to your toxic, emotionally abusive ways because that's clearly working out so well for you. You do understand that your wife left you because passive aggressive comments are abusive, because out of control ocd makes you a total nightmare as a partner, not to mention your self righteous attitude of "making her", you don't make an adult do anything, your emotional distance and sarcasm and refusal to recognize achievement.... Dude you have issues you need to fix. It won't save your marriage, but i hope it saves your daughter from your sh$t and helps your future relationships. Your child doesn't need a daddy who acts like a mean a ahole, who will make snide remarks when she seeks approval. If you won't do it for yourself, care enough about your child to get off your high horse and get help. Truly smh....
    agree^^^^^^

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    I do realize the mistakes I made. I reflected on them deeply. They were bad habits and I put my full faith and effort in breaking them. Even my ex acknowledges this. My way of coping with stressful situations was making jokes. It was a habit. I now choose to face them.

    I would not say my OCD is out of control. I had very basic desires. I have never requested a spotless home and I did much more work in maintaining it. My mistake was wishing she cared about it as much as I did. I'd say I've learned my lesson at this point.

    My refusal to recognize achievement? I was literally teasing her about a letter grade. Of course a 94 is great. In hindsight, it was indeed too a mistake. I've always supported her. I helped her get out of debt. I helped her get a much high paying job. I supported her every step of the way and increased my household duties when she wanted to go back to school. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for that woman.

    Who said I was emotionally distant? I'm confused by your rant. Just because I don't believe I want therapy?
    You repeatedly showed her that she was not good enough. You need to delve into the reason why you like people to feel less than. Damn! 94 is great!

    , Sadly in your thread, there is little mention of your child. This is concerning.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Well, what you are doing is clearly not working. What are you afraid of?

    You need tools to process this, most especially for your child. She should be your main concern at this point.
    My child is our main concern. My wife and I take our child out together to do something once a week still. She gets to video chat with each of us every night and sees us whenever she wants.
    She has shown no signs of stress after the initial week of moving out.

    I don't mean to brag, but I am the best father I know how to be. That little girl will get anything she ever needs.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    My child is our main concern. My wife and I take our child out together to do something once a week still. She gets to video chat with each of us every night and sees us whenever she wants.
    She has shown no signs of stress after the initial week of moving out.

    I don't mean to brag, but I am the best father I know how to be. That little girl will get anything she ever needs.
    Except, you will not address your issues with a professional. This would also be in the best interest of your daughter.

  8. #17
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    Adding to the discussion - I had a question -why didn't you get married until your daughter was 1.5 years old? We actually didn't get married until I was in my third trimester so I'm certainly not judging choosing not to be married before trying for/having a baby but I'm wondering if the reasons had to do with relationship difficulties. In our case, it did not in the least.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    No, my rant is basically an attempt to toss a cold bucket of wake you up. You are still totally in denial about how serious your behavioral issues are. You still see it as harmless joking, but it just isn't and you are reaping the consequences of that. These aren't just bad habits or mistakes, it's how your mind is wired at the moment and it takes a whole lot more to rewire your thinking than just feeling sorry about the bad consequences. It's kind of like you have learned a bad way to serve in tennis. If you don't go to a coach and spend hours breaking the bad habits and retraining how to swing and serve correctly, you'll just go back to what feels comfortable. Passive aggressive behavior is more deeply rooted and way more damaging to you and anyone having to deal with you than you realize.
    I don't see it as harmless now. I see the damage I've done. I reflected and truly know how I made her feel. I wish with everything I could take away the pain I caused.

    I've suffered greatly because of it. I accepted the consequences my actions, worked on my habits. I can't undo what I did. I can only make sure not to repeat my mistakes.

    To say getting through it was an easy process would be a lie. I know I've changed as a person since then.
    I was unhappy where I was in life and coped in a bad way.


    That being said, I should have never married her. When we first started dating, after a couple months she left me for her ex. She had been texting him behind my back and cheated on me the night before she broke up with me.
    Her reasoning was that she missed his child that she helped raise.

    I was stupid for believing she had changed as a person and taking her back. She just ran to yet another relationship when things got hard. I don't know that I ever truly recovered my trust of her the first time.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Adding to the discussion - I had a question -why didn't you get married until your daughter was 1.5 years old? We actually didn't get married until I was in my third trimester so I'm certainly not judging choosing not to be married before trying for/having a baby but I'm wondering if the reasons had to do with relationship difficulties. In our case, it did not in the least.
    We did not want to get married just because of the fact we were having a child together. We wanted it to be on our own terms, and because we loved each other.

    She expressed concerns about not wanting to get married while pregnant as well. Eventually I proposed, and then we waited a year so my wife could have the Fall country wedding she always wanted.

  11. #20
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    After I made the joke, I told her how great she did. I shouldn't have made the joke in the first place.

    I honestly was just trying to tease her. I know you won't understand.

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