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Thread: Spouse gets angry whenever I try to talk about major problem

  1. #1

    Spouse gets angry whenever I try to talk about major problem

    My husband and I have been together 18 years. He has adult children (ages24-32) from a previous marriage). They were not in his life after divorce, so they have not been in our life. A couple of years ago they resurfaced.

    Before they had reestablished a relationship, my husband was hospitalized with serious medical problems. He didnít want them at the hospital. They were really cruel to me and even threatened me. My husband doesnít remember this because he was so ill. There are messsges etc to collaborate how cruel they were. They even told me I shouldnít have wasted money on blood transfusions, treatment, surgeries, etc. This was at a time when I was scared he was going to die.

    They then got jobs where my husband works. The second one was the persistent one when he was sick. She was only 2 or 3 when he left. This establishment was a hangout for me and a stress reliever for me. It now has become a huge conflict between us because I donít really want them around every day. I feel like I was a substitute until they could get everyone back together. They think his life stopped when he left and picked up when they came back. I try to talk about it, he gets mad. A little bit of reassurance would help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Stay out of it and let him deal with them. Simply avoid and disengage with them. Reach out to other friends, family places, people, coworkers and establish more of your own social life to circumvent the situation with them.

    Don't trash his kids, he won't listen. It's your job to work around it and adjust not rearrange whatever relationship he and his resurfaced kids have now.
    Originally Posted by Georgia Girl
    They then got jobs where my husband works. The second one was the persistent one when he was sick. She was only 2 or 3 when he left. This establishment was a hangout for me and a stress reliever for me. It now has become a huge conflict between us because I donít really want them around every day.I try to talk about it, he gets mad.

  3. #3
    You are right. It is just very hard when my friends became his friends and this has been a hangout of mine for many years before we met. I should have anticipated this years ago before we got married and stayed away. I donít want four kids in my life. Any relationship we had stoped when they appeared. I feel like I am being ganged up on. I asked him to leave and he wonít. Itís not what I want, but I canít have what I want. If they had been in his life when we met, I think it would have been better. I had my house before we married, so I donít really want to leave myself. I am just tired of the drama. He also downplays my importance to him to them. I think we need to break up before either of us gets hurt more.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    They are his kids forever and always. Anyone who wanted my son to get lost would be gone without consideration. Why did he not see his kids after divorce?

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  6. #5
    He hates conflict and he left because the mother would start fights in front of the kids. Any visitation required dealing with her and the kids watching them fight. There are some recordings of her attacking him. I would have handled it differently, but he didnít want the mother to go to jail. I have tried to just get out of the picture. He wonít leave because he has no place to go. They also need a place to live. I suggested they all move in together. Everyone would be happy but me and no one cares about me anyway. It is really difficult to want kids around that were mad because we wasted money on emergency medical care for a life threatening situation. He is better now but would have been dead without it. I tried to contact them when we found out how serious it was but they didnít care. They did want to visit in hospital afterwards, but he asked me not to let them come. This was because he hadnít seen them and I had to assist him with everything and he wasnít clothed.

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The thing is oneís kids donít just disappear. When they become adults they come looking for you.

  8. #7
    Yes they do. Especially when they get their first job at the age of 30 and they canít live off student loans anymore. I thought they would when they turned 18, but the oldest was 32 and youngest 25 before that happened. That was because their car broke down, financial aid got denied and wanted tuition, and cell phones were turned off.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Many people of that generation go to school until that age. A simple BA wonít get you anywhere anymore. However , I do agree not having a job before age 30 is ridiculous.

    But why do you ď hang outĒ at his work? Do you work there too?

  10. #9
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    If someone is studying to be a medical doctor it can take to age 30 to finish. However, as a part of that a person has done a residency and an internship. Some nominal pay is involved.

    If someone is studying for a Masters/PhD is some other field, there are research grants, work/study opportunities, so again, some kind of support given.

    If someone just didn't even bother with working at any kind of job til age 30? Why? And who was supporting this?

    You may not have the entire story about your husband's connection to his kids.

  11. #10
    None of them have completed a Bachelorís degree yet. My mother is disabled and likes to spend a lot of time at the local library. She is friends with the staff and volunteers her time there. Their mother got a job there and I didnít know it until she had shared a lot of information. My mother didnít know and doesnít go there now. My husband doesnít have a great job and most of the money comes from the 100 hours a week I work and some I inherited from my father. Their mother got donations at the library making them think she had small kids. She later said they couldnít work because they didnít have a car. They live in town. I didnít own a car until I was 30 and managed to work 3 jobs and take care of a child on my own so they didnít get a lot of sympathy. My daughter has worked megahours since middle school. I owned a business at the time and she worked for me. She later gots job elsewhere. She paid the down payment on our home as well as other expenses. I realize now to them it appears she lives in a nice house and has a car, but she worked hard for it. She also had a Bachelors and Masters degree within 6 years. She also contributed money to help pay their child support. She is 26.

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