Spouse gets angry whenever I try to talk about major problem

My husband and I have been together 18 years. He has adult children (ages24-32) from a previous marriage). They were not in his life after divorce, so they have not been in our life. A couple of years ago they resurfaced.

Before they had reestablished a relationship, my husband was hospitalized with serious medical problems. He didn’t want them at the hospital. They were really cruel to me and even threatened me. My husband doesn’t remember this because he was so ill. There are messsges etc to collaborate how cruel they were. They even told me I shouldn’t have wasted money on blood transfusions, treatment, surgeries, etc. This was at a time when I was scared he was going to die.

They then got jobs where my husband works. The second one was the persistent one when he was sick. She was only 2 or 3 when he left. This establishment was a hangout for me and a stress reliever for me. It now has become a huge conflict between us because I don’t really want them around every day. I feel like I was a substitute until they could get everyone back together. They think his life stopped when he left and picked up when they came back. I try to talk about it, he gets mad. A little bit of reassurance would help.

Sorry to hear this. Stay out of it and let him deal with them. Simply avoid and disengage with them. Reach out to other friends, family places, people, coworkers and establish more of your own social life to circumvent the situation with them.

Don't trash his kids, he won't listen. It's your job to work around it and adjust not rearrange whatever relationship he and his resurfaced kids have now.

They then got jobs where my husband works. The second one was the persistent one when he was sick. She was only 2 or 3 when he left. This establishment was a hangout for me and a stress reliever for me. It now has become a huge conflict between us because I don’t really want them around every day.I try to talk about it, he gets mad.

You are right. It is just very hard when my friends became his friends and this has been a hangout of mine for many years before we met. I should have anticipated this years ago before we got married and stayed away. I don’t want four kids in my life. Any relationship we had stoped when they appeared. I feel like I am being ganged up on. I asked him to leave and he won’t. It’s not what I want, but I can’t have what I want. If they had been in his life when we met, I think it would have been better. I had my house before we married, so I don’t really want to leave myself. I am just tired of the drama. He also downplays my importance to him to them. I think we need to break up before either of us gets hurt more.

They are his kids forever and always. Anyone who wanted my son to get lost would be gone without consideration. Why did he not see his kids after divorce?

He hates conflict and he left because the mother would start fights in front of the kids. Any visitation required dealing with her and the kids watching them fight. There are some recordings of her attacking him. I would have handled it differently, but he didn’t want the mother to go to jail. I have tried to just get out of the picture. He won’t leave because he has no place to go. They also need a place to live. I suggested they all move in together. Everyone would be happy but me and no one cares about me anyway. It is really difficult to want kids around that were mad because we wasted money on emergency medical care for a life threatening situation. He is better now but would have been dead without it. I tried to contact them when we found out how serious it was but they didn’t care. They did want to visit in hospital afterwards, but he asked me not to let them come. This was because he hadn’t seen them and I had to assist him with everything and he wasn’t clothed.

The thing is one’s kids don’t just disappear. When they become adults they come looking for you.

Yes they do. Especially when they get their first job at the age of 30 and they can’t live off student loans anymore. I thought they would when they turned 18, but the oldest was 32 and youngest 25 before that happened. That was because their car broke down, financial aid got denied and wanted tuition, and cell phones were turned off.

Many people of that generation go to school until that age. A simple BA won’t get you anywhere anymore. However , I do agree not having a job before age 30 is ridiculous.

But why do you “ hang out” at his work? Do you work there too?

If someone is studying to be a medical doctor it can take to age 30 to finish. However, as a part of that a person has done a residency and an internship. Some nominal pay is involved.

If someone is studying for a Masters/PhD is some other field, there are research grants, work/study opportunities, so again, some kind of support given.

If someone just didn't even bother with working at any kind of job til age 30? Why? And who was supporting this?

You may not have the entire story about your husband's connection to his kids.

None of them have completed a Bachelor’s degree yet. My mother is disabled and likes to spend a lot of time at the local library. She is friends with the staff and volunteers her time there. Their mother got a job there and I didn’t know it until she had shared a lot of information. My mother didn’t know and doesn’t go there now. My husband doesn’t have a great job and most of the money comes from the 100 hours a week I work and some I inherited from my father. Their mother got donations at the library making them think she had small kids. She later said they couldn’t work because they didn’t have a car. They live in town. I didn’t own a car until I was 30 and managed to work 3 jobs and take care of a child on my own so they didn’t get a lot of sympathy. My daughter has worked megahours since middle school. I owned a business at the time and she worked for me. She later gots job elsewhere. She paid the down payment on our home as well as other expenses. I realize now to them it appears she lives in a nice house and has a car, but she worked hard for it. She also had a Bachelors and Masters degree within 6 years. She also contributed money to help pay their child support. She is 26.

I thought I replied to this question, but I don’t see it. I apologize if it shows up later. It is a restaurant my friends patronize. We are independent contractors and I own and provide a lot of equipment for them. It has been my go to place since way before we met.

If you work 100 hours a week how do you have time to “ hang out”. His work lets you “ hang out?”

Does your husband resent your daughter?

We are independent contractors and I own much of the equipment there. I work sometimes 40 hour straight shifts so do have complete days off at times. He sort of does now, but she paid his child support for a while when he wasn’t able to and she paid the down payment on my house where he lives. She also splits the bills with us. I suggested he move out and do the same with them, but he won’t leave.

By hang out I mean checking on equipment and eating a quick meal with friends.

If you resent him and his kids that much it is time to get a lawyer.

None of them have completed a Bachelor’s degree yet. My mother is disabled and likes to spend a lot of time at the local library. She is friends with the staff and volunteers her time there. Their mother got a job there and I didn’t know it until she had shared a lot of information. My mother didn’t know and doesn’t go there now. My husband doesn’t have a great job and most of the money comes from the 100 hours a week I work and some I inherited from my father. Their mother got donations at the library making them think she had small kids. She later said they couldn’t work because they didn’t have a car. They live in town. I didn’t own a car until I was 30 and managed to work 3 jobs and take care of a child on my own so they didn’t get a lot of sympathy. My daughter has worked megahours since middle school. I owned a business at the time and she worked for me. She later gots job elsewhere. She paid the down payment on our home as well as other expenses. I realize now to them it appears she lives in a nice house and has a car, but she worked hard for it. She also had a Bachelors and Masters degree within 6 years. She also contributed money to help pay their child support. She is 26.

What the hell have they been doing? Never had a job and still have not received a Bachelor's- That takes 4 years.

Good God! You work 100 hours a week? How many hours does he work? What does he do?

I do not understand why he was not in their lives for so many years? It does not say much for him.

Contact a lawyer. The house is yours, you should not leave.

I'm not taking any of this at face value. Sorry. Surely you've got friends to gossip with.

His kids could be the worst people on the face of the planet. It doesn't matter. He is their father. If he wants to have a relationship with them, that is not your call. How or why does not matter.

If that is a problem, pack your bag.

His kids could be the worst people on the face of the planet. It doesn't matter. He is their father. If he wants to have a relationship with them, that is not your call. How or why does not matter.

 

If that is a problem, pack your bag.

It's her house. She wants him out, but he won't leave.

I do not understand why he was not in their lives for so many years? It does not say much for him.

 

Contact a lawyer. The house is yours, you should not leave.

Agree. No matter what their mother said or did... the fact that he chose to leave and not be part of their lives for that long is concerning. It's no wonder the kids are resentful and angry at him to be honest... can you imagine what that would feel like as a child knowing your dad was out there somewhere with a new family and didn't want anything to do with you?

At any rate, it seems from your other posts that you don't want any part of these kids in your life so contacting a lawyer to see what your options are is the only real solution here.

That is what I have decided. All of the marriage counselors in our area haven’t been taking new clients for three months. I was able to finally get one today, but he doesn’t want to go. I originally was excited that the kids contacted him, but then it seemed like he didn’t want me now that he had them. He didn’t want to talk about it. The problem began when they were mad at us for him getting lifesaving medical care and surgery. One of them said we could have done a holistic approach and saved lots of money. The doctor said if we had not had the immediate care and emergency surgery, he would have died. I was terrified during this time. That was about two years ago. They proceeded to send me hateful texts and tell me they would make his decisions not me. He has papers in place now so I make the decisions. I honestly feel now like I was just a substitute while they weren’t in his life. If he could give me some reassurance that we were ok, they wouldn’t bother me.

I asked him to leave, but he won’t. I even offered to pay for housing for a month, but he won’t leave.

I hope you got a pre nup.

I hope you got a pre nup.

I didn’t, but my state is not a community property state and my house was paid for before we got married and in my name only. We don’t own much and I just want this over.

No. But, I am assuming you will have to give him spousal support.

I don't blame you.

You'll still need a divorce to get him out. That house is legally his residence. You can't just use all this hatred toward his kids to make arbitrary my way or the highway rules.

It's sad that he is delighted that his kids are back in his life and all you can do is feel like it's an intrusion/imposition and spew all this jealousy and hatred. You are not a victim and they are his kids, like it or not. .

Who cares if they went to college? They are not your kids. Do you have kids? Do they live with you?

I didn’t, but my state is not a community property state and my house was paid for before we got married and in my name only. We don’t own much and I just want this over.