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Thread: Healing....I think we are getting there!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Sounds good buddy*

    I do encourage you to drop in here from time to time...not to linger on the past but to really cement the healing you've done.

    Also to pay it forward man. There'll always be newcomers who will need your strength, wisdom and encouragement*

    Ever Forward

    Carus*

  2. #12
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Nearly a year....and I'm back again.
    I've been doing ok, getting on with life....just me and the border collie.

    The problem is, I still do not feel I'm moving on and I just do not know the answer. I think about her occasionally once or twice a day briefly....the short term ex I met two years ago. However I considered trying online dating again, only to feel sick at the thought of meeting someone, or meeting her again.

    I'm nearly 35....and I'm scared I'll never move on fully. I also do not know how I'll ever open up to someone else again.

    I feel I'm back to where I was two years ago, and frankly....wonder what the point is to anything anymore.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    Nearly a year....and I'm back again.
    I've been doing ok, getting on with life....just me and the border collie.

    The problem is, I still do not feel I'm moving on and I just do not know the answer. I think about her occasionally once or twice a day briefly....the short term ex I met two years ago. However I considered trying online dating again, only to feel sick at the thought of meeting someone, or meeting her again.

    I'm nearly 35....and I'm scared I'll never move on fully. I also do not know how I'll ever open up to someone else again.

    I feel I'm back to where I was two years ago, and frankly....wonder what the point is to anything anymore.
    Sounds like holding on to the idea of her is serving a need you have. Can you find that need and decide it doesn't need to be filled, or fill it a different way?

  4. #14
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Sounds like holding on to the idea of her is serving a need you have. Can you find that need and decide it doesn't need to be filled, or fill it a different way?
    I think you are probably right. It's half term holiday in my teaching, so I'm at home a lot. I've little family....I just had so hoped to be beyond this point after two years, from a relationship that was so short.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    It's a good post from IAmFCA*^^
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    The problem is, I still do not feel I'm moving on and I just do not know the answer.
    Ah but you actually are moving on, as evidenced in your very same post:
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    I've been doing ok, getting on with life....just me and the border collie.

    I think about her occasionally once or twice a day briefly....
    This is moving on...Albeit a lot slower than you'd like but still....Grief and Healing have no set in stone timelines*

    Over 2 years for me too. I still think about my xwife every day and still dream about her often too, but I'm pushing on, taking care of the day to day stuff and living life. This is moving on right....? I still think about all my exes from time to time but there's little to no pain associated with those thoughts anymore. This is moving on right...?

    Sorry DB but unless you get a complete frontal lobe lobotomy you'll probably never fully forget about these people....or her....

    So long as they have their own little box in the attic of your mind. You have your health. You have your income. You have your border collie. You have food on the table, a dry bed, a roof over your head and an internet connection.....You have a LOT to be grateful for every day!

    Sounds to me like you and life are moving on*
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    I considered trying online dating again, only to feel sick at the thought of meeting someone, or meeting her again.
    I also do not know how I'll ever open up to someone else again.
    That is a trauma response and best dealt with with a very good psychotherapist.....
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    I feel I'm back to where I was two years ago, and frankly....wonder what the point is to anything anymore.
    The first part: If you really think about it you will know that's not entirely true. 2 years ago you were in an awful amount of pain. And if it is true then hopefully it will only be a fleeting moment....that is normal too. The goal is not to be 110% stupendously happy every single day....They'll lock you up for that as well* :)

    The second part: That sounds like depression and perhaps even suicidal ideation...I think you need to adjust your diet and lifestyle*

    Perhaps what you could do is save some money, put your stuff in storage and go and volunteer in Jonglei State in South Sudan for 3-6 months. I have people on the ground down there.

    You will come back a changed man*

    Regards
    Carus*

  7. #16
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    I think you are probably right. It's half term holiday in my teaching, so I'm at home a lot. I've little family....I just had so hoped to be beyond this point after two years, from a relationship that was so short.
    The desire for a community of family around you is what lasts. She became the bulletin board on which you've pinned that vision.

  8. #17
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Thank you both for your replies. Genuinely appreciated, I have little to no-one to talk to about how I feel, so your feedback reminds me why it was good to come back here.

    Carus, it's good to hear from you. It's been a long time. :)

    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    The desire for a community of family around you is what lasts. She became the bulletin board on which you've pinned that vision.
    I think you have pretty much summed it up right there.

    Just need to push on, but it is difficult with very little close people around.

  9. #18
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    It is normal to make progress and then pass touchpoints (anniversaries, steps forward out of your comfort zone) that make you look back and while you are looking back it is so easy to teleport back into those old habits and feelings. It doesn't discount the progress you've made just because you can still go back there easily. Part of what may be missing is the last thing you said, that you still haven't cultivated enough in your day to day life to attach yourself to the now, which makes it more easy to slip into the past. You have thought about the future a little bit, such as trying dating sites, but figuring out how to cultivate some structure now will help you have something external to fall back on in those moments where you would find it easy to emotionally wander.

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