Healing....I think we are getting there!

Hi guys!

Felt a new thread was needed, no need dwelling on the past.

I had the first counselling session last Monday, and it was really good (better than I thought it would be!) I think it's altered my perspective on the relationship. It's certainly let me see how I've latched on to this relationship, for all the wrong reasons. Delved into my insecurities during that time, also my fear of seeing her again.

Anyhow, second session is tomorrow morning (nice and early, 8.30am). Think we are talking more about my Mother tomorrow (that too is a long story).

I've had a really good week, I think I'm moving on at last.

Awesome so glad to hear!

Good to hear! Sometimes therapy can help undo the knots and you can finally process your feelings and heal. It's good to hear that you're taking care of yourself and getting help with your healing.

Hope it keeps getting better.

Great to hear DB* - You may still have rough days ahead but you're doing the right things and going in the right direction*

Carus*

Very pleased to hear this buddy.. keep it going! :)

Glad to hear this DB. Keep up the good work.

Thanks guys! Really appreciated!

Second session went well. We touched on a few things, not as much on the ex. I think it's making me understand how to cope in such situations. We also touched on how I might be mildly autistic. This would explain how I can be obsessive about certain aspects of my life. I never had thought myself as autistic as I was very much self aware of my issues.

I dreamt about the ex briefly last night... wasn't great but compared to how it would really knock me feeling sick for the day, today I feel relatively ok.

Let me tell you a (not much of a) secret, DB - most top end blokes are "mildly autistic".

Because autistic blokes are totally blokey blokes.

Sportsmen with a lot of testosterone and adrenalin? They hunted for the tribe and brought home the protein kill.

Brainiacs who made strides in learning? Check out your locally university faculty, and find the original thinkers.

Personally, I will admit to a little degree of Asperger's, which is a branch on the autism tree.

Makes you a more rational, intelligent human being, a F****** astronaut in the scheme of things.

Do not expect the ladies to get this, not generally.

The ladies think more emotionally than us. It is just how it is.

Sometimes you find one who does. That's the one that sticks with you.

Kia kaha.

Ready for my third session tomorrow.

Not felt quite as upbeat, some thoughts have lingered but I've not let them get me down.....so overall we are doing ok!

Oh, and in other news.... I'm almost 3 stone (42 pounds) less than I was last April!

Hey guys!

Well, this is me signing off! Thanks for the support over the last 12 months!

I've finished my counselling sessions, and the have done me so much good. I feel in many ways like a new person, the shadow of the past is finally lifting. I'm the slimmest I've been in over 10 years...and the weight is continuing to come off!

I've no desire to date right now, I just don't want to. I'm enjoying single life and doing my own thing. My next challenge is this summer to drive through her home town on a day out to the the Lake District (one of the UK national parks).

Dare I say it, I feel rather happy right now!

I probably wont be checking in that much now. I find reading some of the stories will only encourage me to perhaps linger on the past, however once I start dating again....I'm sure I'll be back for advice!

Thanks again guys, you've really helped through one of the most difficult periods of my life! Thank you!

Sounds good buddy*

I do encourage you to drop in here from time to time...not to linger on the past but to really cement the healing you've done.

Also to pay it forward man. There'll always be newcomers who will need your strength, wisdom and encouragement*

Ever Forward

Carus*

Nearly a year....and I'm back again.

I've been doing ok, getting on with life....just me and the border collie.

The problem is, I still do not feel I'm moving on and I just do not know the answer. I think about her occasionally once or twice a day briefly....the short term ex I met two years ago. However I considered trying online dating again, only to feel sick at the thought of meeting someone, or meeting her again.

I'm nearly 35....and I'm scared I'll never move on fully. I also do not know how I'll ever open up to someone else again.

I feel I'm back to where I was two years ago, and frankly....wonder what the point is to anything anymore.

Nearly a year....and I'm back again.

I've been doing ok, getting on with life....just me and the border collie.

 

The problem is, I still do not feel I'm moving on and I just do not know the answer. I think about her occasionally once or twice a day briefly....the short term ex I met two years ago. However I considered trying online dating again, only to feel sick at the thought of meeting someone, or meeting her again.

 

I'm nearly 35....and I'm scared I'll never move on fully. I also do not know how I'll ever open up to someone else again.

 

I feel I'm back to where I was two years ago, and frankly....wonder what the point is to anything anymore.

Sounds like holding on to the idea of her is serving a need you have. Can you find that need and decide it doesn't need to be filled, or fill it a different way?

Sounds like holding on to the idea of her is serving a need you have. Can you find that need and decide it doesn't need to be filled, or fill it a different way?

I think you are probably right. It's half term holiday in my teaching, so I'm at home a lot. I've little family....I just had so hoped to be beyond this point after two years, from a relationship that was so short.

It's a good post from IAmFCA*^^

The problem is, I still do not feel I'm moving on and I just do not know the answer.

Ah but you actually are moving on, as evidenced in your very same post:

I've been doing ok, getting on with life....just me and the border collie.

 

I think about her occasionally once or twice a day briefly....

This is moving on...Albeit a lot slower than you'd like but still....Grief and Healing have no set in stone timelines*

Over 2 years for me too. I still think about my xwife every day and still dream about her often too, but I'm pushing on, taking care of the day to day stuff and living life. This is moving on right....? I still think about all my exes from time to time but there's little to no pain associated with those thoughts anymore. This is moving on right...?

Sorry DB but unless you get a complete frontal lobe lobotomy you'll probably never fully forget about these people....or her....

So long as they have their own little box in the attic of your mind. You have your health. You have your income. You have your border collie. You have food on the table, a dry bed, a roof over your head and an internet connection.....You have a LOT to be grateful for every day!

Sounds to me like you and life are moving on*

I considered trying online dating again, only to feel sick at the thought of meeting someone, or meeting her again.

I also do not know how I'll ever open up to someone else again.

That is a trauma response and best dealt with with a very good psychotherapist.....

I feel I'm back to where I was two years ago, and frankly....wonder what the point is to anything anymore.

The first part: If you really think about it you will know that's not entirely true. 2 years ago you were in an awful amount of pain. And if it is true then hopefully it will only be a fleeting moment....that is normal too. The goal is not to be 110% stupendously happy every single day....They'll lock you up for that as well* :)

The second part: That sounds like depression and perhaps even suicidal ideation...I think you need to adjust your diet and lifestyle*

Perhaps what you could do is save some money, put your stuff in storage and go and volunteer in Jonglei State in South Sudan for 3-6 months. I have people on the ground down there.

You will come back a changed man*

Regards

Carus*

I think you are probably right. It's half term holiday in my teaching, so I'm at home a lot. I've little family....I just had so hoped to be beyond this point after two years, from a relationship that was so short.

The desire for a community of family around you is what lasts. She became the bulletin board on which you've pinned that vision.

Thank you both for your replies. Genuinely appreciated, I have little to no-one to talk to about how I feel, so your feedback reminds me why it was good to come back here.

Carus, it's good to hear from you. It's been a long time. :)

The desire for a community of family around you is what lasts. She became the bulletin board on which you've pinned that vision.

I think you have pretty much summed it up right there.

Just need to push on, but it is difficult with very little close people around.

It is normal to make progress and then pass touchpoints (anniversaries, steps forward out of your comfort zone) that make you look back and while you are looking back it is so easy to teleport back into those old habits and feelings. It doesn't discount the progress you've made just because you can still go back there easily. Part of what may be missing is the last thing you said, that you still haven't cultivated enough in your day to day life to attach yourself to the now, which makes it more easy to slip into the past. You have thought about the future a little bit, such as trying dating sites, but figuring out how to cultivate some structure now will help you have something external to fall back on in those moments where you would find it easy to emotionally wander.