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Thread: Is it me or his anxiety that caused the breakup?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2018

    Is it me or his anxiety that caused the breakup?

    I was dating this guy for a couple of months, both him and I were just out of long term relationships a few months and both have kids. We stated early on we were not interested in hookups. We met on an online dating app and talked for a bit before we met. Upon meeting we just hit it off. Conversations were easy, we laughed, shared secrets we got along really well. After a couple weeks of dating he informed me he was dealing with anxiety and was on medication for it, I appreciated he trusted me enough to inform me of this and I thanked him for telling me. The relationship was going really well and he started moving really fast, within a couple dates he told me he didn't want to talk or see anyone else but he didn't force me to make the commitment then, I had to think about it, it was new. After a couple more weeks he asked me to be in a relationship and I agreed. I hate the online dating, and dating in general. He treated me better than anyone has ever treated me before and he listened and seemed to care about my problems. I started to let my guard down with him after being hurt previously in the past.

    Things were going well, we spent a lot of time together, he told me I made him happy, how the thought of me made him smile, he even dreamed about me. We talked about the future and how we both wanted more kids. He wanted to meet my two kids and at first I was thinking it was too soon but he didn't want to wait too long as he knew if my kids didn't like him it would be a deal breaker for me. I told him we would do this in time. He mentioned it a number of times and I passed it off thinking it was too soon. We had only been dating a couple months and this point and i wanted to see where it would go.

    Things continued to go well, until one day I noticed he became distant. We had not had a fight, he was after telling me how things were different with me than others he was with, how he felt comfortable around me and how I always made him smile. I called and asked him if anything was wrong and he told me he wanted to end the relationship because we both wanted different things, but we did not, we have had this discussion time and time before. He didn't even give me the chance to explain. When I talked to him about it he said that when I had mentioned him possibly showing my daughter how to skate, as he mentioned himself previously and I thought this is what he wanted to hear, he realized that he didn't want to hurt me or my kids.

    He then turned the excuse to he wasn't in a good place right now and he didn't want to bring me down. He said he needed time for himself and he had moved on too quick from his past relationship. I had asked him previously if he thought he was moving on too fast and he said no. He was the one who wanted the relationship, he was the one who wanted to meet my kids and family, he was the one pushing things not me. Although he said he needed time to himself he was on the dating apps the following day stating he wasn't interested in hookups. I guess my concern is, was it me? Was it his anxiety? If it is his anxiety should I step away as I have been or should I offer to be a friend? He has been going through a tough time at work with his boss and dealing with his ex and his divorce. I don't know what to do. He said it may not be forever he just needed time and perhaps when he figured things out he would be back. I am not one of those girls to wait around to see if he could find someone better so I told him I was done, but what if it was his anxiety was this the right way to approach it?

    When I think about the situation I can not figure it out. He went from one extreme to the other, from pushing for the relationship, kids and meeting family to it's over. I can't think of anything I done that would influence it, like I said we didn't fight, I was always happy, listened to his problems, and I eventually started opening up.

    Any advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Sounds pretty typical of rebounding. You may want to research the term to learn why people fresh out of breakups aren't even dating material, much less relationship material.

  3. #3
    Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Florida Panhandle
    Sounds to me like he met someone since he's been dating you and he was looking for excuses to end it with you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    If he just wanted a break to take space for himself he wouldnít need to comparison shop. Iím sorry things didnít work out - itís so hard I know. I donít think you did anything wrong and he handled it poorly but itís also hard to be open about reasons other than ďitís not you itís meĒ


  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    A bit of a different take, but I suspect his anxiety does affect his relationships, at least on some level, or it could have major significance.

    Do you know anything about his previous relationship? Why it ended?

    How long did it last and how long ago it ended?

    Was it a stable relationship or fraught w problems? Breakups and reconciliations?

    Given what your posted, about him coming on incredibly strong, almost pushing you into commitment and making all these future plans, and then suddenly, without warning, pulling a 180 and ending it, it's possible he struggles with fears and anxieties surrounding commitment and as soon as he gets too close, too intimate (emotionally) which HE pushed for, his anxiety escalates, he panics, freaks out, and suddenly he's gone.

    Leaving you wondering -- what the hell just happened??

    This behaviour is very typical of those with these types of anxieties and fears re close relationships and commitment.

    It's also very common for them to quickly involve themselves with another woman (or man if roles are reversed) which explains why he hopped back on to aps real quick.

    I would not be surprised if he's even back communicating with the ex.

    These folks like to juggle back and forth.

    I'm just speculating but I have a lot of experience with commitment fears and anxieties and what you described is what it sounds like to me.

    Bottom line, it's about FEAR. And anxiety, try to not take it personally.

    These folks have a lot of demons they're fighting, struggling with.

    He may be back as soon as he gets enough space and distance, if he does, stay away.

    Do not go back, he's got too many issues that you can't fix!

    Only he can and it takes a long long time, if ever, to resolve.

    Best to move on and take steps to extricate him from your consciousness and heart, I'm sorry.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-10-2019 at 09:09 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    You were a rebound. It never had a chance.

    Next time, wait until Someone has been out of a long term at least a year.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    It was you.

    Wait hear me out.

    He is going to be who he is, and lord know what caused him to act in the way he did, one extreme to the other, I suspect Kat is in the right direction but, it was you, because if youre describing things right, you were put off by his speediness and insistence to push things so quickly and instead of standing by your standards, you 'gave' in. I'm putting 'gave' in parenthesis because I dont think men or women fall for these types unless they make a conscious choice to.

    I started to let my guard down with him after being hurt previously in the past.
    He did nothing to 'earn' that though. All he did was promise you instant love and instant relationship and instant emotional safety, which no one can promise you, so you said you were previously hurt, you havent learned yet to guard your heart in a meaningful way. So when I say "it was you" I mean you CANNOT allow this to happen again, people like this on these dating sites are a dime a dozen, go to the heartbreak thread every other person is jumping into dating days even hours after professing they arent over their exes among other issues that make them not dating material. Its a lions den and youre going in without any armor, leaving you completely vulnerable.

    Im sorry all this happened, its unfair, its cruel and hurtful, but it happened and now all you can do is learn from it, stick to your boundaries, do not ignore red flags, dont let your guard down to men who havent earned that trust.

  9. #8
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    FOT hit the nail on the end. There's terms for his behavior. It may benefit you to educate yourself about "fast forwarding" through the early stages of dating and "future faking". He may have engaged in these emotionally unavailable behaviors because he was rebounding from a long-term relationship, but even if he hadn't been fresh out of an involvement, they would have been big red flags. Speeding along feels good, but intensity isn't intimacy. The guy who is serious about you will want to take things slow.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    I think you might be the one who is rebounding.

    In your thread from October 2018 (only 5 months ago) you wrote that you had started dating a man who was moving away when you were only two months out of an abusive relationship where you had been cheated on. So if you dated that other man for a month or two (September to November) and that relationship ended after he moved away, that means you jumped right to this most recent guy after only a few weeks.

    I advise YOU to slow your roll. Three relationships in the past 7 months is an awful lot. Are you looking for someone to take away your pain and loneliness?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    There are way too many red flags. Too much too soon, pushing to meet your kids, hot/cold, etc. Anytime someone starts talking about your kids, meeting them, being with them, "teaching them to skate", etc it should be an immediate signal to end things.

    Learn to stop, look and listen. Don't jump into one abusive relationship after the next by ignore all these huge warning signs. Stop looking for prince charming and guys who tell you what you want to hear.

    Dating is to observe, not talk about "teaching your daughter to skate" (that is so creepy, it's surprising you didn't run then) If you need to slow down and readjust and retool from your abusive relationship, then do that. Go to short term therapy to learn warning signs, what is normal, what are just signs of a player (like this guy) and what is really dangerous and red flags (like wanting to meet your kids right away and way too much too soon).
    Originally Posted by kayj1216
    I was dating this guy for a couple of months
    he started moving really fast.
    After a couple more weeks he asked me to be in a relationship and I agreed.
    He wanted to meet my two kids
    he told me he wanted to end the relationship because we both wanted different things

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