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jenberry

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Hello,

 

My ex and I broke up in November last year. He'll tell you that it's because our lives were going in different directions. The truth is that he had been treating me with contempt and resentment for some time. Drinking to excess, acting like he was single, lacking support for me when my father passed away and never standing up for me. There was a lot to it, none of which I realised at the time because I was blindly in love and didn't want to experience any further loss in my life.

 

I don't share many friends with my ex (thankfully) with the exception of one girl. I got on really well with her as we have both had anxiety issues and I have supported her through challenging times. Unfortunately, I confided in her earlier in the relationship when I was going through some tough times. She knew him before I did, and so I felt she was a good person to turn to. She told me that the way he was behaving towards me was despicable and I deserved better. Fast forward to our breakup and she has rarely been there for me. Any communication is instigated by me, and it usually takes her a while to respond. In addition, I feel some sort of compulsion to discuss my ex with her, possibly because she is the only person we still have in common. The last time we were in contact, I asked if she had heard from him. It took her a week to reply and her reply was very non-committal. She said that my ex had visited her and her partner last week and she didn't discuss anything to do with the breakup with him as she doesn't think she handled it well, nor does she think it would be fair to her partner for her to bring it up. I got the distinct impression she was lying to me. Mainly because it was the first time they'd seen each other since the breakup (she lives about 200 miles away) and she is a bit of a gossip. I got the impression she perhaps said some unkind things about me based on her text and when I replied saying 'I find it unlikely that the breakup wasn't mentioned' she just didn't reply. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive but I feel like this is someone who doesn't have my back and after feeling betrayed by my ex, I really need people around me who are supportive rather than duplicitous. I think I need to cut her off, but do I tell her that I don't feel she is being supportive towards me and I'm unsure of her intentions, or just delete her any and any communication that comes through from her?

 

Thank you xx

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I understand that you’re hurting, but you’re being unfair to this friend. First of all, she was HIS friend first, so likely will be more of a support to him rather than you. Second of all, you sound like you’re expecting her to be supportive of you and discuss your breakup with you. That’s not her job, she’s not a therapist. Especially because she has a friendship with both you and your ex, why would she want to be put in the middle?

 

I have a few family members who have done that to me, and it’s incredibly frustrating and I ultimately had to tell them both that I didn’t want to hear about it anymore. I don’t have to pick sides, it wasn’t my breakup and it’s not my problem.

 

I’m sorry but you can’t make YOUR breakup your friend’s problem.

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Don't try to get information about your ex from his friends. It's very obvious to them what you're trying to do.

 

 

I'm not. Frankly, I don't want to hear anything about him. I think it's only understandable that I should be able to confide in friends about my breakup when I am hurting. Perhaps not this friend though.

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My advice is to do what is often the hardest thing when our emotions are volatile, the thing it seems you're still really struggling to do as you process this breakup, which is to sit still and do nothing. Don't cut her off in some dramatic moment, don't have a feelings summit, which are all just proxies for wanting to extend and reenact this breakup in some way that leaves you feeling on top.

 

No, just detach a bit and focus on yourself and the connections that serve you best right now.

 

Try, hard as it is, to acknowledge what's going on under the hood here. Contrary to what you said in your recent post, you admitted a "compulsive" desire to discuss your ex with her. From what you've outlined, in other words, I think you know that your own intentions in reaching out to her aren't so pure—that your frustration with her, in effect, is a frustration with yourself projected onto her. That being: that you're still "compulsively" holding onto something that needs to be let go, that your ego still has a vice grip on the steering wheel.

 

You're spinning pretty hard, which is okay. Breakups are hard, they spin us around. Been there. Hugs. In that cycle you're craving information about your ex, and in her you have a potential vessel for that (unhealthy) compulsion. It's using a person a bit the way some people use social media during these times: to stay tangentially connected, to fuel various emotionally-generated narratives, and, above all, to retain some illusion of control, to make your narrative the narrative.

 

That she is not giving you what you want—juice, gossip, information, salt on a wound you're still intent on picking—is, I think, what's annoying you most far more than any kind of loyalty.

 

Big picture here: She is friends with him, was friends with him before knowing you, has every right to continue being friends with him, and if you want to be friends with her you need to accept that. She can believe he treated you poorly but still be his friend—since, well, that's what friends are for. She's under no obligation to back channel information your way; in fact, if she was that would be a sign of iffy character far more than the vagueness you're upset by.

 

Since she is friends with him, and since you have yet to let him go, it's probably just best that you focus on less complicated friendships as you heal. The big issue here is the compulsion for information that will not serve you in any way; if you can start to recognize that, and be humble in recognizing it, you'll find the compulsion will wane. And if you can learn to experience a jolt of emotion without reacting to it you'll find yourself only more capable of handling whatever nonsense life has in store for you moving forward—because, dang it, the jolts never let up, in one way or another.

 

He is your ex now—someone you were with, who you are no longer with. It sucks. It hurts. And that, in the end, is the only relevant narrative. Let those waves of hurt and suckiness come and go—just sit still through them. I promise you, in realizing you can sit still you'll see how strong you can stand on your own.

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Thank you Bluecastle. Yes, my desire to talk about my ex is compulsive, but there is another part of me that cringes when I hear anything about him because I know it won't do me any good. In fact, this week I have been feeling a glimpse of freedom and moving on as I've not heard anything from him or about him in 6 weeks. I feel like hearing from her has shattered that and set me back, which is why I am having such a strong emotional reaction just now.

 

You're right, I am perhaps using her in an unfair way, and do find myself talking about him to her in a way that is probably unfair, since she has loyalties to him too. I think my sadness of not hearing anything from him, not a 'how are you doing?' or any indication that he cares has made me feel really low, and reaching out to her, I had hoped to hear something positive. He regrets the breakup, he misses me etc., none of which were forthcoming.

 

As you say, I need to just sit still, do nothing, allow those horrible emotions to arise, focus on more healthy friendships where 'he' is not the only thing we have in common. I will practise sitting still and doing nothing. Non-reaction is key. Thank you

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Yes- make it a no tolerance policy- on yourself -never to even mention his name to a mutual friend. I dated my friend's brother many years ago. At the time this friend and I had been friends for 5 years. After his brother ended things I made absolutely sure never to mention his name. It's been 15 years since the breakup and the ex got in touch with me a number of times. I never mentioned this to my friend. And my friend mentioned him in passing because it is his brother after all just as in "we went to the city to see my brother and nephew" or something like that. I responded politely with "cool" or similar and made sure not to ask follow up questions. You absolutely must go out of your way to mention nothing so that your friend will feel comfortable interacting with you. No, you don't need to discuss your break up with all your friends. It really will help you to be restrained and disciplined about this IMO.

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Talk to your own friends. Do not put her or yourself in this position. It's very clear why she bowed out of this. She doesn't want to be a middle man and be put into this awkward place.

She knew him before I did

 

The last time we were in contact, I asked if she had heard from him. It took her a week to reply and her reply was very non-committal.

 

I replied saying 'I find it unlikely that the breakup wasn't mentioned' she just didn't reply.

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Talk to your own friends. Do not put her or yourself in this position. It's very clear why she bowed out of this. She doesn't want to be a middle man and be put into this awkward place.

 

You're right. It was an instinctive response because I was worked up having heard about him for the first time in a long time. I instantly regretted it. If I hadn't deleted her number, I would text and apologise, saying I didn't mean to talk about him and don't wish to again. But maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie.

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I replied saying 'I find it unlikely that the breakup wasn't mentioned' she just didn't reply.

 

I was going to say that your text above suggests that you do want to talk about your ex, but I see by your response to Wiseman that it was more of a knee-jerk reaction. I can understand that. It happens.

 

If she does text you again, my advice would be to just talk to her about what you really want to discuss: work, family, school, vacations, whatever. The whole topic of your ex has been played out & you both know that by now. All you can do is move forward. Hopefully you can still be friends with her, but if that doesn't happen, maybe it's for the best.

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You're right. It was an instinctive response because I was worked up having heard about him for the first time in a long time. I instantly regretted it. If I hadn't deleted her number, I would text and apologise, saying I didn't mean to talk about him and don't wish to again. But maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

I'd avoid the "instinctive" response rationalization - otherwise you'll rationalize it that way if it happens again. You are in control of what you say or do not say and who you say it too. If you have to practice more thinking/pausing before you speak then for now you may have to. I know it's hard -and not just in this context -it's too easy especially with texting to type/talk without giving much thought and click send.

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