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I received a message from another woman about my husband.


liz22

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Tonight I randomly received a message from a woman via facebook. I know her as someone my husband is friends with on facebook. They used to run into each other occasionally because of work, but it has been a while. I noticed within the past month she has started posted on his facebook things like "miss you buddy" and "can you bring me some of that" referring to something my husband was making and sharing on facebook. The conversation between her and I tonight went as follows (all while my husband sat next to me on the couch).

 

Her: Hey I know you don't know me but is everything Ok with (my husband, she used his name)?

Me: Yeah, what is going on?

Her: We were suppose to hangout this weekend but I forgot my phone in (town) so I had to wait for my boyfriend to bring it to me after he got off work...then he (now referring to my husband) got pissed off at me for it and blocked me on fb. I was worried because in 4 years I've never seen him like this.

Me: You were suppose to hang out with my husband?

Her: Yeah, we were gunna get out of town for a few days.

Me: Why would he get out of town with you? We are married.

Her: I know you're married. We're just good friends. He's one of the only people who understands me and I've confided in him a lot about things that I don't tell anyone.

Me: Please do not contact my husband anymore. Thank you.

 

I told my husband about this as I was responding to her. He didn't seem concerned and thought that it didn't make sense. He said he blocked her about a week ago because she was acting weird and wanting to hang out with him. My heart is pounding and I don't want to be naive but I want to believe his story. He seems to want nothing to do with her now which is good. And if his story is true, he is basically telling me that she was trying to have something with him and was getting crazy so he blocked her. Can anyone talk me off of the ledge right now? My husband is asleep and I am up freeking out. Did I respond to her in an appropriate way? Thank you.

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While my radar would certainly be up, his story actually makes sense. She contacted you because he blocked her. And if he made absolutely no effort to meet with her -- which is the case because he was with you -- it sounds like she may be creating a relationship in her head. If he has not given you reason previously to distrust him, you should probably just accept what he is saying. If he starts acting weird, then worry. Right now, it doesn't seem worth it.

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Her: We were suppose to hangout this weekend but I forgot my phone in (town) so I had to wait for my boyfriend to bring it to me after he got off work...then he (now referring to my husband) got pissed off at me for it and blocked me on fb. I was worried because in 4 years I've never seen him like this.

 

Her: Yeah, we were gunna get out of town for a few days.

If this girl is legit and speaks the truth, then there is no way I would be trusting my husband right now. "Hang out this weekend" ??? "Get out of town for a few days" ??? For real?? Does your husband usually go away on his own for weekends?

 

She's either legit and telling the truth ....... OR ..... she's full of **** and trying to cause trouble. Either way, she's bad news. REAL BAD news.

 

Also, 4 years "friendship". So when he was 35 he was hanging out with a 19 year old? hmmmm ....

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It's a little weird that such a young woman would be hanging out at any time with such an older man. It's also not unusual for a man of a certain age to find a much younger woman intriguing.

 

My advice:

 

Get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships ASAP;

 

Go to Alturtle.com and read every entry he has posted;

 

Act as if nothing is concerning you - jealousy and insecurity are so unappealing they'll drive someone away;

 

If she messages you again, ask for copies of DMs or emails.

 

Question: What are you prepared to do if you learn he's lying?

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Basically what she is describing is an emotional affair about to become a physical one. She is a trouble causing home wrecker. The fact that your husband has been listening to her drivel this long means he is part of the problem . When she started “ confiding “ her problems is when he should have RUN away. I think he realized she wanted a physical affair now or he wanted out of an affair because she threatened to talk unless she got whatever.

 

Well, the jig is up now. She played her hand. Now for you to decide what to do.

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Your responses were excellent. Now make sure you delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. She sounds a bit unhinged, particularly contacting you directly, Fatal Attraction style, and telling you about their planned hangouts..

 

However a heart to heart is in definitely order with your husband.

Me: Please do not contact my husband anymore. Thank you.

 

I told my husband about this as I was responding to her.

He said he blocked her about a week ago because she was acting weird and wanting to hang out with him.

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I would give your husband the benefit of the doubt. HOWEVER, I would sit down with him and get all the details. Has he ever hung out with her one on one? Why did she think he was going away with her for a few days? Something is really fishy here, and I would get to the bottom of it.

 

Do you have access to his phone?

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Ugh, this is a tough one to me. A lot of grey areas & uncertainty.

 

Ok. In one sense I could understand the friendship. Him lending an ear, her talking into it and nothing more. That's harmless to me BUT what bothers me about this friendship is that...

 

1- they don't have the same story -according to her they're great friends but according to him that's not the case. If they really were good friends and nothing else...why do their stories differ so much?

2- he blocked her a week ago because she was "acting weird" and wanting to hang out with him. Ok, let's talk about this. Your husband is (probably) a nice, cute guy. There have probably been a few times women have flirted with him. It's not a big deal. He just says oh i'm flattered but happily married thank you. Life goes on. So...why block this one girl? What does "acting weird" constitute? AND why, if it was so bad that he had to block her, did he not tell you this until AFTER she already contacted you?

 

Let's be logical though-there could be perfectly rational explanations for this. Like depending on either of your dating histories, maybe he didn't want to worry you that there was someone potentially unstable.

 

Reading through her messages to you again, a couple things pop out at me. She says things like "in 4 years I've never seen him like this" in an offhand manner but she's also deliberately putting seeds of doubt in your mind. Because this lady's talking about your husband as if THEY have something special. This is not how one typically speaks about a friend. If that were the case it would be more like "I have known him for 4 years and I've never seen him this way, granted I don't know him that well." I also didn't miss how she says "we were supposed to hang out this weekend" and then literally the next words are "but I forgot my phone and..." She's shoving it in your face and trying to be underhanded about it.

 

So if we look at this again with the theory that she's just off her rocker Fatal-Attraction crazy lady like Wiseman says (whether or not your husband is even interested in her much less having an affair), it could ALSO be that she's deliberately trying to make trouble in paradise for you and hubby (like Cap3 pointed out), for all kinds of possible reasons. Messaging you with a fake story seemingly about being "concerned" for him while simultaneously telling you about all this time they've supposedly been spending together. Like if a woman was just obsessed with your husband and wanted to cause trouble...this would be a perfect tactic. No proof at all, just enough to get you angry, all the while this lady's playing the part of a concerned friend.

 

It's also worth noting that if your husband is asleep now...apparently he's not overly concerned about her contacting you..so he's not anxious that his lover just contacted his wife..something to consider regarding the validity of her story.

 

So I guess what it comes down to is, how is the trust in your marriage? Knowing your husband as well as you do...what is the more likely scenario?

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This is where marital trust is called up from the bench. Listen to what he has to say, and at the end of the day, you trust him or you don't.

 

Personally, I'd want to know his account of the duration and context of their communication. For all we know, she could have first seen him on facebook a month ago. I'd sit down with him, and in the most kind but direct way possible, ask him to help you wrap your head around it.

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Sounds as though your husband did the smart thing by blocking her for exactly the reason he said, and her over-reach to you demonstrates that.

 

Either you believe that you're married to a trustworthy man, or you don't. If so, I wouldn't allow some freak to destabilize that.

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Thank you all for the thoughts and advise. As I woke up this morning I am still confused, upset and teary-eyed. My husband was not saying anything about it this morning but he could tell I was giving him the cold shoulder. I finally told him "I'm still upset about this but you don't seem to care". He said something to the effect of "I don't know what you want me to do. It sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me".

 

I do like the idea of having a discussion with him about boundaries. I'm not sure how to start the conversation though. I asked him what he would do if she showed up at his work? I asked because that would be about the only way she could contact him at this point. He said "I don't know, tell her to get out, or ask her what her problem is". I know from facebook that they have known each other for a while. Her work included delivering items to my husbands business back in the day. She then moved away to another state for a while and is now back doing deliveries again, but not with the company my husband uses. My husband said that he saw her a week ago driving by and he waved "hi" and that was about it for contact.

 

My husband goes out of town (about 2 hours away) about once every 4-6 weeks for one night. He does this for his business but he always stays with our friend (male), and I feel like I can say pretty confidently he was staying with our friend. He was going to go Skiing recently out of town, but ended up not going. That's the only out of town stuff going on. Other that that he is pretty much home all day on the weekends except when he does to the store or something.

 

I still don't like the whole "get out of town for a few days" thing and it doesn't make sense if she has a boyfriend. I wouldn't classify my husband as traditionally "good looking" to the point where women are swooning over him. She on the other hand is young and pretty and I just don't get the connection there. My husband and I have been having trouble conceiving for years, so my greatest fear has always been that he will leave me for a more fertile young woman. Not because I think he would, just my own fear that I think anyone would have in my situation of failed fertility. Everything SEEMS to be going fine with us, so it's not like we usually fight or have marital troubles.

 

She wrote The whole "miss you buddy" on his facebook about 5 weeks ago, so it sounds like they had "lost touch" up until recently if she wrote that. After she wrote that she started liking and commenting on his stuff more than usual. A few weeks ago I came home and told my husband a story about my coworker getting an attorney (for a divorce) and he said "your not going to get an attorney are you" (being silly). Then he pointed at his ring and said this means forever. I don't think he would say that if he was seeing someone else, but who knows. Thanks for listening. Any ideas about conversations of boundaries would be helpful.

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What boundaries do you want to discuss? "Don't add vaguely acquainted women from work to Facebook?" I'd certainly hope at this point, that lesson has been thoroughly embedded in him. Some people lean to either extreme of Facebook being a huge deal or excessively casually just accepting any and all names that pop in with a friend request. Now it seems he's got a lady trying to stir up some **** largely as a consequence.

 

Again, you trust his account or you don't. Without any disrespect to what is very understandably a pretty crappy way to start your week, it does look like you're keen to milk the situation. That your husband seems pretty indifferent about it speaks better to me than if he were bending over backwards to assure you right now. People lie in different ways, but from my experience, the overly apologetic or sympathetic in these situations tend to be the much more common actors.

 

Not to say you can't be situationally aware or healthily diligent right now, but all you've got is he-said, she-said, and what she's said isn't something I'd put too much stake in above someone I trusted enough to exchange vows and build a life together with.

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So. no I wouldn't like another woman who was not a family member/family friend/someone I knew well telling my husband on social media that she misses him in particular. Crossing a line (my husband has a facebook account he never uses so this is purely hypothetical) . I'd put out of your head the age difference or your husband's looks -neither is relevant to whether two people are going to click or whether they are going to act on it especially where there's a power imbalance as seems to be the case here. I'm sorry you're having trouble conceiving (!) and of course younger doesn't always mean more fertile. Either you trust him or you don't. It sounds like she is into him/enjoys flirting with him but that it is not reciprocated or if it was, it's not reciprocated now.

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I feel like I would want to ask him what he thinks apropriate boundaries are in a relationship and then I would tell him what I think is appropriate. I think you can be a friendly acquaintance with a woman and discuss surface level stuff, but to start having discussion where she is saying "no one understands me like he does" is going way too far. Also, I certainly don't think you should be going on "get away" or "getting out of town" with another woman, or even taking her out to lunch, going on drives with her, etc.

 

I just don't know how to approach the conversation without him getting irritated, since men are not communicators.

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What would I say if this happened to me and my husband? "This is a good wake up call that we need to have a discussion so that no boundaries are crossed in the future that will put our marriage at risk."

 

And then tell him what you think the rules should be. What have I discussed with my husband? That he and I don't give out our phone numbers to people of the opposite sex, like co-workers, in order to be phoning, texting buddies. I do, and think it's fine to have co-workers and former childhood friends of the opposite sex on Facebook, but the discussion should involve blocking communication if any of these "friends" have a crush and start communicating inappropriately because preserving a marriage is more important that an ego boost. I myself immediately deleted a friend I had as a teen when he messaged me inappropriately, and examples of who to block and when should be brought up as concrete examples.

 

And if an opposite sex co-worker or family friend or whoever starts getting overly involved by asking for advice about problems with their love life, he/she needs to be told to ask someone else, because that can be a foot in the door for an emotional affair.

 

Boundaries shouldn't be assumed, and should be discussed. And what fits for one couple doesn't always fit for another. I hope you two are on the same page once you begin that discussion. Good luck.

 

P.S. The best way to prevent an emotional affair is for the couple to keep a strong emotional connection, so read articles on that, skills you both can be working on and perhaps have discussions on how to achieve that if it needs a little work or maintenance.

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I feel like I would want to ask him what he thinks apropriate boundaries are in a relationship and then I would tell him what I think is appropriate. I think you can be a friendly acquaintance with a woman and discuss surface level stuff, but to start having discussion where she is saying "no one understands me like he does" is going way too far. Also, I certainly don't think you should be going on "get away" or "getting out of town" with another woman, or even taking her out to lunch, going on drives with her, etc.

 

I just don't know how to approach the conversation without him getting irritated, since men are not communicators.

 

Before coming off as accusatory, I'd ASK him if he's be willing to discuss with me how much of what the woman said is even true.

 

It sounds like some unhinged juvenile is setting you up, and you're taking the bait. There's nothing quite as unsexy as a spouse who tries to take on the role of a 'parent' to police another adult. Either you trust your husband, or you don't. I'd be careful of claiming that I do but behaving as though I do NOT.

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I just spoke with my husband about boundaries. In the moment, I only felt comfortable approaching it by asking him what he thought good boundaries are in a relationship. I didn't make accusations. He certainly seemed to know the different between right and wrong. He was trying to make light of it at times by saying stuff like "could I give you best friend a hug if she put her arms out first and you were standing right next to me". It then got lighthearted to wear I felt comfortable say things like "do you think it would be appropriate to hang out with a 23 year old at your age? He said no. Hopefully he gets it but we shall see. In the meantime I am secretly guarded and not going to forget!

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