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Thread: I received a message from another woman about my husband.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What would I say if this happened to me and my husband? "This is a good wake up call that we need to have a discussion so that no boundaries are crossed in the future that will put our marriage at risk."

    And then tell him what you think the rules should be. What have I discussed with my husband? That he and I don't give out our phone numbers to people of the opposite sex, like co-workers, in order to be phoning, texting buddies. I do, and think it's fine to have co-workers and former childhood friends of the opposite sex on Facebook, but the discussion should involve blocking communication if any of these "friends" have a crush and start communicating inappropriately because preserving a marriage is more important that an ego boost. I myself immediately deleted a friend I had as a teen when he messaged me inappropriately, and examples of who to block and when should be brought up as concrete examples.

    And if an opposite sex co-worker or family friend or whoever starts getting overly involved by asking for advice about problems with their love life, he/she needs to be told to ask someone else, because that can be a foot in the door for an emotional affair.

    Boundaries shouldn't be assumed, and should be discussed. And what fits for one couple doesn't always fit for another. I hope you two are on the same page once you begin that discussion. Good luck.

    P.S. The best way to prevent an emotional affair is for the couple to keep a strong emotional connection, so read articles on that, skills you both can be working on and perhaps have discussions on how to achieve that if it needs a little work or maintenance.

  2. #22
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    Of course men know how to “communicate “ - certainly some people are more articulate than others. And people who want something know how to communicate that. If he wants you to feel comfortable he will provide the information that is relevant.

  3. #23
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    I would not believe one word this other woman said and she sounds looney tunes to me.chi

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by liz22
    I feel like I would want to ask him what he thinks apropriate boundaries are in a relationship and then I would tell him what I think is appropriate. I think you can be a friendly acquaintance with a woman and discuss surface level stuff, but to start having discussion where she is saying "no one understands me like he does" is going way too far. Also, I certainly don't think you should be going on "get away" or "getting out of town" with another woman, or even taking her out to lunch, going on drives with her, etc.

    I just don't know how to approach the conversation without him getting irritated, since men are not communicators.
    Before coming off as accusatory, I'd ASK him if he's be willing to discuss with me how much of what the woman said is even true.

    It sounds like some unhinged juvenile is setting you up, and you're taking the bait. There's nothing quite as unsexy as a spouse who tries to take on the role of a 'parent' to police another adult. Either you trust your husband, or you don't. I'd be careful of claiming that I do but behaving as though I do NOT.

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  6. #25
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    I just spoke with my husband about boundaries. In the moment, I only felt comfortable approaching it by asking him what he thought good boundaries are in a relationship. I didn't make accusations. He certainly seemed to know the different between right and wrong. He was trying to make light of it at times by saying stuff like "could I give you best friend a hug if she put her arms out first and you were standing right next to me". It then got lighthearted to wear I felt comfortable say things like "do you think it would be appropriate to hang out with a 23 year old at your age? He said no. Hopefully he gets it but we shall see. In the meantime I am secretly guarded and not going to forget!

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I don't know if there's more to it or not and the woman seemed a bit crazy/trying to stir the pot on purpose with you and your husband, but I find it a bit weird that your husband is not clearly explaining this "out of town" deal that she mentioned and why is she saying this stuff about them being so close. I don't know if he's enforcing boundaries or not or if he's feeding this or if she's just obsessed with him and created fantasies in her mind, but it's not appropriated her behaviour towards a married man.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    she's full of **** and trying to cause trouble.
    I'd say that is the case.

    If he did have an affair (and she says she has a boyfriend) the first thing she would do to try and drive a wedge in - is tell you about it.

    I have actually seen that happen a couple of times, when the older married male ends it with the young female affair partner.

    They get on the phone to the wife and cause strife because they want revenge, or to try and break up the marriage, or as East would say "drama.dll" kicks in.

    If there was actually an affair, she would have likely told you all about it after she was blocked. She didn't have much to work with here.

    She seems to have blown up her suggestion that they hang out to an actual arrangement - but she wouldn't be contacting you, and your husband wouldn't have blocked her, if there was one.

    At face value it sounds like she was a young lady (with a boyfriend) who sought some (avuncular?) advice from an older work contact, and your husband did the right thing to block her when she overstepped the mark.

    Apply Occam's razor. Take away any wider assumptions and speculation, and that simple solution fits.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    I hope you and your husband can get through this together with your marriage intact, OP. I think it will.

    Re-reading your post made me remember something. A man used to be obsessed with a friend of mine. She never met him..I think it was through a facebook group or something. He friended her and she accepted. She soon regretted it however because he would post creepy things. Like if she checked in on facebook that she went to a baseball game..he'd make a comment to the tune of "Crazy game, thanks for sharing your beer with me." Obviously, they weren't together at the game and had never even met. After the 2nd or 3rd time he did this she realized he was loony as a tune and blocked him.

    Does that sound like anyone else we know? You know, someone else who posts "miss you buddy" on his facebook? Or asking him to bring her food in a playful manner? All of this woman's comments to your husband are carefully written to make it sound like she is more part of his life than she really is.

    Just sharing this story to implant the idea that there are indeed people who do odd, stalk-ery things like this. Hang in there. Come talk to us anytime you need to.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The questions I would be asking: Why would he spend time with this girl at all? There is a work relationship (where you are polite and discuss work, end of). But by the sounds of it, your husband went further with this girl as she has said he understood her and listened to her talk about personal things.
    That right there would make me seriously raise my eyebrows.
    Why is he spending time with this young girl listening to her personal life?

    Speaking of which, why is he even around a girl this young? A large gap in age, so what brought them together in the first place and why would he allow that?

    Why is he adding this young girl to his facebook? It's not usual to open the door to your personal life with people from work. I understand that lot's of people don't take facebook too seriously, but on the other hand, he would have had to talk with her long enough to exchange details.
    That again is a huge red flag.

    Now she is telling you that he and she had planned on getting away together. I know people are saying she's a nutter and unstable, but all you need to do is look at the above.
    Your husband already invited her into his life, he has already been spending time alone with her if she has told him all sorts of personal things, that's enough proof that he was letting her into his life in ways he probably shouldn't have been.

    Lastly, I look at this situation and consider who has more reason to lie. This girl has a boyfriend, she sounds more stupid? inexperienced? than malicious. She got an invitation from an older man to be alone with her over the weekend. She probably thought he was or has been a close friend of hers being as your husband has clearly been listening to her personal life. I'm not sure if she assumed they would end up in bed together or naively thought they were just going to hang out while sharing a hotel room.
    Maybe she didn't even consider they'd be in the same hotel room.
    Your husband on the other hand, is a grown ass man who gets to try his luck at being alone with a young naive girl. I don't think much more needs to be said about that.

    I'm not accusing, I am being logical and looking at all the steps that brought them to where they are. I would say that your husband has hardly been innocent.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 03-10-2019 at 09:55 PM.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    ps: I might be unblocking her and asking her for proof, such as a transcript of their messaging one another and to see how they talk with one another.
    If chats do exist, no doubt your husband has deleted all conversations.

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