Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 11 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 110

Thread: I received a message from another woman about my husband.

  1. #11
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    960
    Gender
    Female
    Ugh, this is a tough one to me. A lot of grey areas & uncertainty.

    Ok. In one sense I could understand the friendship. Him lending an ear, her talking into it and nothing more. That's harmless to me BUT what bothers me about this friendship is that...

    1- they don't have the same story -according to her they're great friends but according to him that's not the case. If they really were good friends and nothing else...why do their stories differ so much?
    2- he blocked her a week ago because she was "acting weird" and wanting to hang out with him. Ok, let's talk about this. Your husband is (probably) a nice, cute guy. There have probably been a few times women have flirted with him. It's not a big deal. He just says oh i'm flattered but happily married thank you. Life goes on. So...why block this one girl? What does "acting weird" constitute? AND why, if it was so bad that he had to block her, did he not tell you this until AFTER she already contacted you?

    Let's be logical though-there could be perfectly rational explanations for this. Like depending on either of your dating histories, maybe he didn't want to worry you that there was someone potentially unstable.

    Reading through her messages to you again, a couple things pop out at me. She says things like "in 4 years I've never seen him like this" in an offhand manner but she's also deliberately putting seeds of doubt in your mind. Because this lady's talking about your husband as if THEY have something special. This is not how one typically speaks about a friend. If that were the case it would be more like "I have known him for 4 years and I've never seen him this way, granted I don't know him that well." I also didn't miss how she says "we were supposed to hang out this weekend" and then literally the next words are "but I forgot my phone and..." She's shoving it in your face and trying to be underhanded about it.

    So if we look at this again with the theory that she's just off her rocker Fatal-Attraction crazy lady like Wiseman says (whether or not your husband is even interested in her much less having an affair), it could ALSO be that she's deliberately trying to make trouble in paradise for you and hubby (like Cap3 pointed out), for all kinds of possible reasons. Messaging you with a fake story seemingly about being "concerned" for him while simultaneously telling you about all this time they've supposedly been spending together. Like if a woman was just obsessed with your husband and wanted to cause trouble...this would be a perfect tactic. No proof at all, just enough to get you angry, all the while this lady's playing the part of a concerned friend.

    It's also worth noting that if your husband is asleep now...apparently he's not overly concerned about her contacting you..so he's not anxious that his lover just contacted his wife..something to consider regarding the validity of her story.

    So I guess what it comes down to is, how is the trust in your marriage? Knowing your husband as well as you do...what is the more likely scenario?

  2. #12
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    960
    Gender
    Female
    Oh yes, and I agree that your responses were excellent.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,035
    This is where marital trust is called up from the bench. Listen to what he has to say, and at the end of the day, you trust him or you don't.

    Personally, I'd want to know his account of the duration and context of their communication. For all we know, she could have first seen him on facebook a month ago. I'd sit down with him, and in the most kind but direct way possible, ask him to help you wrap your head around it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    53
    Posts
    10,294
    Gender
    Female
    Her own story doesn't make sense. She forgot her phone, and her bf had to bring it? Weird meeting place? She sounds like she became unstable.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,375
    Gender
    Female
    Sounds as though your husband did the smart thing by blocking her for exactly the reason he said, and her over-reach to you demonstrates that.

    Either you believe that you're married to a trustworthy man, or you don't. If so, I wouldn't allow some freak to destabilize that.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    97
    Thank you all for the thoughts and advise. As I woke up this morning I am still confused, upset and teary-eyed. My husband was not saying anything about it this morning but he could tell I was giving him the cold shoulder. I finally told him "I'm still upset about this but you don't seem to care". He said something to the effect of "I don't know what you want me to do. It sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me".

    I do like the idea of having a discussion with him about boundaries. I'm not sure how to start the conversation though. I asked him what he would do if she showed up at his work? I asked because that would be about the only way she could contact him at this point. He said "I don't know, tell her to get out, or ask her what her problem is". I know from facebook that they have known each other for a while. Her work included delivering items to my husbands business back in the day. She then moved away to another state for a while and is now back doing deliveries again, but not with the company my husband uses. My husband said that he saw her a week ago driving by and he waved "hi" and that was about it for contact.

    My husband goes out of town (about 2 hours away) about once every 4-6 weeks for one night. He does this for his business but he always stays with our friend (male), and I feel like I can say pretty confidently he was staying with our friend. He was going to go Skiing recently out of town, but ended up not going. That's the only out of town stuff going on. Other that that he is pretty much home all day on the weekends except when he does to the store or something.

    I still don't like the whole "get out of town for a few days" thing and it doesn't make sense if she has a boyfriend. I wouldn't classify my husband as traditionally "good looking" to the point where women are swooning over him. She on the other hand is young and pretty and I just don't get the connection there. My husband and I have been having trouble conceiving for years, so my greatest fear has always been that he will leave me for a more fertile young woman. Not because I think he would, just my own fear that I think anyone would have in my situation of failed fertility. Everything SEEMS to be going fine with us, so it's not like we usually fight or have marital troubles.

    She wrote The whole "miss you buddy" on his facebook about 5 weeks ago, so it sounds like they had "lost touch" up until recently if she wrote that. After she wrote that she started liking and commenting on his stuff more than usual. A few weeks ago I came home and told my husband a story about my coworker getting an attorney (for a divorce) and he said "your not going to get an attorney are you" (being silly). Then he pointed at his ring and said this means forever. I don't think he would say that if he was seeing someone else, but who knows. Thanks for listening. Any ideas about conversations of boundaries would be helpful.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    35,621
    Gender
    Female
    She sounds like a nut to be honest with you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,035
    What boundaries do you want to discuss? "Don't add vaguely acquainted women from work to Facebook?" I'd certainly hope at this point, that lesson has been thoroughly embedded in him. Some people lean to either extreme of Facebook being a huge deal or excessively casually just accepting any and all names that pop in with a friend request. Now it seems he's got a lady trying to stir up some **** largely as a consequence.

    Again, you trust his account or you don't. Without any disrespect to what is very understandably a pretty crappy way to start your week, it does look like you're keen to milk the situation. That your husband seems pretty indifferent about it speaks better to me than if he were bending over backwards to assure you right now. People lie in different ways, but from my experience, the overly apologetic or sympathetic in these situations tend to be the much more common actors.

    Not to say you can't be situationally aware or healthily diligent right now, but all you've got is he-said, she-said, and what she's said isn't something I'd put too much stake in above someone I trusted enough to exchange vows and build a life together with.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    48,777
    So. no I wouldn't like another woman who was not a family member/family friend/someone I knew well telling my husband on social media that she misses him in particular. Crossing a line (my husband has a facebook account he never uses so this is purely hypothetical) . I'd put out of your head the age difference or your husband's looks -neither is relevant to whether two people are going to click or whether they are going to act on it especially where there's a power imbalance as seems to be the case here. I'm sorry you're having trouble conceiving (!) and of course younger doesn't always mean more fertile. Either you trust him or you don't. It sounds like she is into him/enjoys flirting with him but that it is not reciprocated or if it was, it's not reciprocated now.

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    97
    I feel like I would want to ask him what he thinks apropriate boundaries are in a relationship and then I would tell him what I think is appropriate. I think you can be a friendly acquaintance with a woman and discuss surface level stuff, but to start having discussion where she is saying "no one understands me like he does" is going way too far. Also, I certainly don't think you should be going on "get away" or "getting out of town" with another woman, or even taking her out to lunch, going on drives with her, etc.

    I just don't know how to approach the conversation without him getting irritated, since men are not communicators.

Page 2 of 11 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •