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Thread: Marriage

  1. #1

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    Marriage

    Hi everyone... so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. Naturally the topic of marriage was brought up and he told me he doesnít ever want to get married and has never wanted to before because ďmen donít benefitĒ from it.
    The marriage subject arose when he asked me, for the fourth or fifth time, if I wanted to move in with him. Then the topic of kids came up and he said he sees us raising children together and that he definitely wants to have kids with me. I then brought up marriage because I personally believe marriage is important if youíre going to be living and raising children together.
    He says he loves me and he shows me every day that he does. Heís honestly the best boyfriend that Iíve ever had and weíve had a great relationship from day one. I love him but if marriage isnít one of the goals in our relationship, is it in my best interest to leave him? Or just continue with it and possibly grow in resentment knowing that it will never happen? Iím not sure if Iíll ever be content knowing that marriage isnít in the cards for us. Or am I supposed to be just happy where we are and thankful to be in such a relationship and then maybe one day Iíll be ok with not getting married? I wont give him an ultimatum, as some of my friends have suggested, because I feel that theyíre unfair. I just feel like Iím at a crossroads in the relationship and donít know which road to take.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Ok, he believes men donít benefit from marriage but he wants to live together and have kids? Huh? Better look into the laws where he lives . In certain places you are considered married common law after you live together for a year. Heís making no sense .

    If you want to be married donít lower your standards . Big lifetime goals canít be compromised. And if your life goals are not the same thereís really no point to being together .

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My husband used to say he never wanted to get married, and we've been married now for a long time, so men can and do change their minds.

    How old are you two? If you are teens or early 20s then I think many men at that age have no interest in marriage.

    You will have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Is a piece of paper really worth it? I think it is if you are going to have kids, it makes legal things simpler. No kids? Then it's debatable about the uselfullness of marriage. You may well be considered common law if you have lived together for a certain amount of time.

    Ultimatums never work out well, so I say dont do that. Someone will end up resentful.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You want marriage. He doesn't. Either way someone is going to be unhappy. Imo, wanting children out of wedlock is wanting his cake and eating it too. At the very least, your boyfriend sounds jaded and distrustful. Do you really want to spend your life with someone like that? Are your life values compatible?

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  6. #5
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    Marriage means a lot of things. It's a contract with certain rights and responsibilities. Such as:

    Should he die, you are entitled to his estate. Not married, you get nothing, even if you live together, except for your personal belongings, unless he names you as his heir in an iron clad will. (Check your state inheritance laws, as they differ state to state.)

    Married, you can claim S.S. benefits on half his income at retirement age (even of you are later divorced, as long as you've been married at least 10 years and you don't remarry).

    Married, you are entitled to make decisions on his behalf should he become incapacitated. Single, without having his Power of Attorney, you have no rights to make decisions on his behalf.

    You have no right to visit him in a hospital, should be need it. His parents/next of kin could bar you from seeing him.

    He can have you evicted from his home if you are not on the lease or deed when you are not married.


    You know what George Clooney did when he married his wife, Amal? He proved to everyone what we all suspected - that a man who "doesn't believe in marriage' simply means he doesn't believe he'll marry you. When the right one comes along, men want to get married.

    So...what's in it for you, playing by his rules (besides stretch marks)? He gets everything, but no binding commitment.

    One more thing: Both he and you have lost sight of a very simple fact: YOU are the prize. Act accordingly. Prizes don't give themselves away; they must be won.

    Good luck.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he's not "the best bf ever" if you have major differences in future goals. Do not compromise your values, you'll regret it. Do not get strung along with words about "he sees us...". Yes, if you do everything his way and solely for his benefit, the resentment will grow on your part.

    Do not move in and play house hoping he changes his mind. Living together is not a prelude to marriage or a commitment, it's a test drive and convenience for sex, cheaper living expenses and household help. Why is he itching for you to move in?

    The road to take is your own, not his. No ultimatums do not work. But being true to yourself does work.
    Originally Posted by Cjane86
    he told me he doesnít ever want to get married and has never wanted to before because ďmen donít benefitĒ from it.
    he asked me, for the fourth or fifth time, if I wanted to move in with him.
    I personally believe marriage is important if youíre going to be living and raising children together.
    I love him but if marriage isnít one of the goals in our relationship
    Iím not sure if Iíll ever be content knowing that marriage isnít in the cards for us.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    No matter if all the other boxes are ticked, if you don't share all of your major life goals, it won't work. It's also a lot more expensive to pay two separate medical insurance bills than to have one combined family one. After my first marriage ended, my goal was having a lifetime partner and marriage wasn't important, but financially, I came to realize it made a lot more sense, mainly because of the medical insurance. I have friends who are a gay couple and not married. They had to go through the frustration of filling out medical forms for one to be able to visit the other one after a medical procedure. It's also financially beneficial to file taxes jointly as a married couple.

    You'll be even more resentful when faced with all these issues since he's not on the same page as you. In the future, before becoming exclusive with someone, just make sure that they are open to marriage one day in the future. Otherwise, it's a lot of time wasted. Take care.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    No matter if all the other boxes are ticked, if you don't share all of your major life goals, it won't work. It's also a lot more expensive to pay two separate medical insurance bills than to have one combined family one. After my first marriage ended, my goal was having a lifetime partner and marriage wasn't important, but financially, I came to realize it made a lot more sense, mainly because of the medical insurance. I have friends who are a gay couple and not married. They had to go through the frustration of filling out medical forms for one to be able to visit the other one after a medical procedure. It's also financially beneficial to file taxes jointly as a married couple.

    You'll be even more resentful when faced with all these issues since he's not on the same page as you. In the future, before becoming exclusive with someone, just make sure that they are open to marriage one day in the future. Otherwise, it's a lot of time wasted. Take care.
    I agree, he may not be thinking that you could get denied medical decisions should he be incapacitated, no right for benefits etc etc

    You have zero rights as a gf in some places but he wants you to bear his kids? Yeah , no.

  10. #9
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    I would have seen it as a dealbreaker personally. My friend, who is divorced (no kids from her first marriage) met a guy through a dating site in 2005. They became serious. She really didn't want to remarry, ever and he'd never been married and was interested in marriage. In 2006 they had a pregnancy scare (she miscarried). Soon after they decided to try to conceive. They became domestic partners (an option where they live) and had their son. They've been together since then and are happy and committed and love each other. I am not sure how badly he wanted to be married. They also never got engaged (yes he offered to buy her a ring/get engaged but she declined). It sounds like marriage is a very important goal for you (it was for me too as mentioned). I would absolutely not have a child with a man who will not marry you when you want marriage. For both practical and emotional reasons. I would move on and find someone with the same life goals.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AutumnBorn
    Marriage means a lot of things. It's a contract with certain rights and responsibilities. Such as:

    Should he die, you are entitled to his estate. Not married, you get nothing, even if you live together, except for your personal belongings, unless he names you as his heir in an iron clad will. (Check your state inheritance laws, as they differ state to state.)

    Married, you can claim S.S. benefits on half his income at retirement age (even of you are later divorced, as long as you've been married at least 10 years and you don't remarry).

    Married, you are entitled to make decisions on his behalf should he become incapacitated. Single, without having his Power of Attorney, you have no rights to make decisions on his behalf.

    You have no right to visit him in a hospital, should be need it. His parents/next of kin could bar you from seeing him.

    He can have you evicted from his home if you are not on the lease or deed when you are not married.


    You know what George Clooney did when he married his wife, Amal? He proved to everyone what we all suspected - that a man who "doesn't believe in marriage' simply means he doesn't believe he'll marry you. When the right one comes along, men want to get married.

    So...what's in it for you, playing by his rules (besides stretch marks)? He gets everything, but no binding commitment.

    One more thing: Both he and you have lost sight of a very simple fact: YOU are the prize. Act accordingly. Prizes don't give themselves away; they must be won.

    Good luck.
    Standing ovation for this response! Just beautiful.

    OP, you should print out the above and read it to him. If you two start a family together and you're not married, things could fall apart if God forbid tragedy strikes. Not preparing for these things is just plain irresponsible.

    Other than him saying that men don't benefit from marriage, have you two really sat down and discussed his perspective at length? I don't buy that this is the only reason he doesn't want to marry you. If there isn't some glaringly obvious reason then..I would take some time to think about the realities of where this relationship could lead, and if it would be fair to bring children into it.

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