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Thread: Falling out of love and losing myself in the process

  1. #1
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    Falling out of love and losing myself in the process

    Basically this all started years ago and is rooted in a lot of things I have put belief in to get me through other things before.
    I have three people in my life that I have felt drawn to. This is different from being close to, as I have other friends that I love dearly and trust but I feel like the relationship has been built up normally over time. With the three, I feel as though there is this gravitational pull to be close to them that accelerates the relationship and closeness I feel for them. I have different relationships with each but categorise them as such because I feel as though the way Iím drawn to them means I can compare things about the relationships to learn from them and help me understand myself. One of these people is the friend I now most confide in and relate to who I have previously felt things for but now am very happy with in a close friend (like family to me) relationship, another is my boyfriend, and the third a friend who I havenít known particularly long but really enjoy the company of for our similarities and differences. All of these people have helped to shape me as a person and make me more confident and happy in myself. This sort of ties into the belief aspect as I strongly feel that life works on the premise of balance. If the universe presents you with a lot of emotional distress, then something good is owed to you. Likewise if life is really good, you have a debt to pay. I have had the feeling that the Ďuniverseí looks after me when I really need it. For example if I try my best to be brave in a social situation but fail, a series of events will end up sorting things out for me so that what I wanted or needed to achieve is made attainable or even handed to me on a platter.
    Around the emotionally lowest point in my life when I had feelings for my friend (as mentioned above), when I wanted to get over him desperately because my feelings were doing me much more harm than good, I knew that I couldnít take something like this again. I remember asking the universe in desperation for the next person I fell in love with to love me back. I needed to receive from a romantic relationship as love is most important to me, something I feel gives life its true purpose and I didnít believe that anyone could love me and I was destined to suffer a life without the one thing I felt truly mattered. I therefore asked that the next time I fell hard for someone to receive love in return, I remember specifically stating that I couldnít have them torn from my life either. If I loved someone that much again we should either be in a relationship till the end or gradually drift apart.
    I got my wish, with the second person I was drawn to. I had always hated the idea of love at first sight, but when I saw him at a friendís party I didnít want to take my eyes off him. I did find him attractive, but that wasnít it. Other people there were more my type, yet I just felt intensely drawn to him. I wanted to listen to everything he said and even made attempts to talk to him despite being a heavily shy and awkward person. It turns out he felt the same, but also being shy, it took a second meeting to really talk to each other properly. We had the best conversations Iíve ever had to date, talked every day, and started going out within about a month. We definitely emotionally needed each other at the time. We had both just started coming out of a dark patch in our lives, we both wondered if anyone would ever love us, we are both deeply affectionate people and we have a lot of the same interests and tastes.
    Unfortunately I worry that the latter part of what I asked for is actualising. Heís still the sweetest guy and we still talk every day and see each other twice a week, but Iím finding myself starting to feel drained by our conversation and my patience is wearing thin whereas before I would have forgiven him anything. I can tell I need some space from him, but Iíve never felt like this before. Iíve always been the person worried about coming across as clingy and I thought being with him, as a fellow avid hugger, would be perfect for me. I would never want to hurt him, he deserves so much more than me, but I feel as though Iím falling out of love with him and I donít know how to stop it. Iíve done my usual internet search with a hefty pinch of salt, and from what I can tell we should take a relationship break and see how it goes. But Iím terrified of mentioning how I feel to him because heís such a sensitive and sweet guy and I know he gets paranoid. He would probably understand, but after all he does for me I canít turn around and say that I feel as though weíve missed being friends and right now thatís what Iíd rather we were. Its feels like our relationship was burning the candle at both ends but only he can keep going.
    As a result Iíve been talking to the two drawn-to friends almost daily between them because I miss casual fun conversations. I started feeling disappointed when my boyfriend replied instead of my friends. Particularly talking to the newer friend, I feel as though he has helped me understand myself better by providing a whole new type of relationship where agreeing is not standard. I have also learned a thing or two about communicating from him. I applied this to my relationship with my boyfriend so we started having proper conversations again without me having to bring anything up, but nothing has changed. I feel as though Iím talking to an acquaintance with the expectations of a close relationship where its really draining for me to withstand talking, no matter the quality of conversation, and I just find it hard to put the effort in that I want to and know I should. I feel like Iím being a terrible person and Iím starting to question what I want and who I am. I also donít want things to fall apart at least until I start university as I have gotten him an external invite to the leavers celebration and heís also coming on a group holiday we arranged as a friendship group in Y12.
    I feel as though I should still love him, but I just canít remember that I have feelings for him unless Iím with him and Iím really trying. And if I did still love him, surely my mind wouldnít be able to wander to other guys? I would talk to my two drawn-to friends about all this, except that I donít want to mention to my 1st friend about exactly what I was going through back then or drag that situation back up and they have things going on at the moment that I donít want to add to, and my newer friend I feel as though Iíve already confided in quite a lot for the time weíve known each other even though he said itís fine. And on top of that Iíve been conflicted about him in the exact opposite sense as with my boyfriend: I feel as though I want to work towards us being close friends but I cant help sometimes thinking of him as something more and kicking myself about it.

  2. #2
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    Please break up into paragraphs. It is a difficult read.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Please break up into paragraphs. It is a difficult read.
    I'm sorry, I thought I did at the time, I'll try and fix it

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    I couldn't work out how to edit this so:

    Basically this all started years ago and is rooted in a lot of things I have put belief in to get me through other things before.

    I have three people in my life that I have felt drawn to. This is different from being close to, as I have other friends that I love dearly and trust but I feel like the relationship has been built up normally over time. With the three, I feel as though there is this gravitational pull to be close to them that accelerates the relationship and closeness I feel for them. I have different relationships with each but categorise them as such because I feel as though the way Iím drawn to them means I can compare things about the relationships to learn from them and help me understand myself. One of these people is the friend I now most confide in and relate to who I have previously felt things for but now am very happy with in a close friend (like family to me) relationship, another is my boyfriend, and the third a friend who I havenít known particularly long but really enjoy the company of for our similarities and differences. All of these people have helped to shape me as a person and make me more confident and happy in myself. This sort of ties into the belief aspect as I strongly feel that life works on the premise of balance. If the universe presents you with a lot of emotional distress, then something good is owed to you. Likewise if life is really good, you have a debt to pay. I have had the feeling that the Ďuniverseí looks after me when I really need it. For example if I try my best to be brave in a social situation but fail, a series of events will end up sorting things out for me so that what I wanted or needed to achieve is made attainable or even handed to me on a platter.

    Around the emotionally lowest point in my life when I had feelings for my friend (as mentioned above), when I wanted to get over him desperately because my feelings were doing me much more harm than good, I knew that I couldnít take something like this again. I remember asking the universe in desperation for the next person I fell in love with to love me back. I needed to receive from a romantic relationship as love is most important to me, something I feel gives life its true purpose and I didnít believe that anyone could love me and I was destined to suffer a life without the one thing I felt truly mattered. I therefore asked that the next time I fell hard for someone to receive love in return, I remember specifically stating that I couldnít have them torn from my life either. If I loved someone that much again we should either be in a relationship till the end or gradually drift apart.

    I got my wish, with the second person I was drawn to. I had always hated the idea of love at first sight, but when I saw him at a friendís party I didnít want to take my eyes off him. I did find him attractive, but that wasnít it. Other people there were more my type, yet I just felt intensely drawn to him. I wanted to listen to everything he said and even made attempts to talk to him despite being a heavily shy and awkward person. It turns out he felt the same, but also being shy, it took a second meeting to really talk to each other properly. We had the best conversations Iíve ever had to date, talked every day, and started going out within about a month. We definitely emotionally needed each other at the time. We had both just started coming out of a dark patch in our lives, we both wondered if anyone would ever love us, we are both deeply affectionate people and we have a lot of the same interests and tastes.

    Unfortunately I worry that the latter part of what I asked for is actualising. Heís still the sweetest guy and we still talk every day and see each other twice a week, but Iím finding myself starting to feel drained by our conversation and my patience is wearing thin whereas before I would have forgiven him anything. I can tell I need some space from him, but Iíve never felt like this before. Iíve always been the person worried about coming across as clingy and I thought being with him, as a fellow avid hugger, would be perfect for me. I would never want to hurt him, he deserves so much more than me, but I feel as though Iím falling out of love with him and I donít know how to stop it. Iíve done my usual internet search with a hefty pinch of salt, and from what I can tell we should take a relationship break and see how it goes. But Iím terrified of mentioning how I feel to him because heís such a sensitive and sweet guy and I know he gets paranoid. He would probably understand, but after all he does for me I canít turn around and say that I feel as though weíve missed being friends and right now thatís what Iíd rather we were. Its feels like our relationship was burning the candle at both ends but only he can keep going.

    As a result Iíve been talking to the two drawn-to friends almost daily between them because I miss casual fun conversations. I started feeling disappointed when my boyfriend replied instead of my friends. Particularly talking to the newer friend, I feel as though he has helped me understand myself better by providing a whole new type of relationship where agreeing is not standard. I have also learned a thing or two about communicating from him. I applied this to my relationship with my boyfriend so we started having proper conversations again without me having to bring anything up, but nothing has changed. I feel as though Iím talking to an acquaintance with the expectations of a close relationship where its really draining for me to withstand talking, no matter the quality of conversation, and I just find it hard to put the effort in that I want to and know I should. I feel like Iím being a terrible person and Iím starting to question what I want and who I am. I also donít want things to fall apart at least until I start university as I have gotten him an external invite to the leavers celebration and heís also coming on a group holiday we arranged as a friendship group in Y12.


    I feel as though I should still love him, but I just canít remember that I have feelings for him unless Iím with him and Iím really trying. And if I did still love him, surely my mind wouldnít be able to wander to other guys? I would talk to my two drawn-to friends about all this, except that I donít want to mention to my 1st friend about exactly what I was going through back then or drag that situation back up and they have things going on at the moment that I donít want to add to, and my newer friend I feel as though Iíve already confided in quite a lot for the time weíve known each other even though he said itís fine. And on top of that Iíve been conflicted about him in the exact opposite sense as with my boyfriend: I feel as though I want to work towards us being close friends but I cant help sometimes thinking of him as something more and kicking myself about it.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you want to date guy 3 do not talk to him about your bf or other problems. That is perceived as friendzoning. Have a heart to heart talk with the bf about your concerns. Do you think you have a case of the grass is greener?

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    I'm lost. I cannot follow, who is who. It would help if you would number or name them.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    If you want to date guy 3 do not talk to him about your bf or other problems. That is perceived as friendzoning. Have a heart to heart talk with the bf about your concerns. Do you think you have a case of the grass is greener?
    Thank you, I don't expect anything to happen with guy three, it's just hard to tell what's going through his head because he is very different from me in terms of relationships (e.g. as mentioned before I am a hugger, I show a lot of my affection physically. I have to try not to do this so much with him though because he likes hugs but they have a high chance of making him uncomfortable so I have to actively think about and limit myself on that).

    I'll try and talk to my boyfriend about this, I know I should so thank you for making it more blunt. I've just found it harder to trust or confide in him without the natural instinct to and security there used to be between us.

    An if it was that 'the grass is greener' then surely I wouldn't be tempted by the relationship I expect there to be issues with? My current boyfriend is absolutely perfect for me on paper, so maybe it comes back to the balance thing? As in I feel like if I have the perfect relationship were we feel the same at every stage and never get annoyed with each other because anything irritating will always be too small to not make up after or even immediately. If the relationship isn't causing its own problems, then something bad is just going to force itself into my life because there is no balance or variety in the relationship itself. And if it is just me and I'm failing to be as loyal or devoted as past experiences have led me to think of myself then how do I know that this won't just happen with any of the people I care about? I would never want to hurt them, but now I have the inclination to hurt my boyfriend. I would never have dreamed of this before. It makes me feel like a monster that I would consider putting myself first because I'm tired and simply don't know what I want. Surely I owe it to him to put him first after all he's done for me, but what if that causes me to give up on us more? That would not be a favour to him at all.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You do not need "bad things" to balance anything out. Either you want to work things out with this bf or not. If you don't, simply end it.
    Originally Posted by Nonexistent
    If the relationship isn't causing its own problems, then something bad is just going to force itself into my life because there is no balance or variety in the relationship itself. I would never want to hurt them, but now I have the inclination to hurt my boyfriend.

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    I also donít want things to fall apart at least until I start university as I have gotten him an external invite to the leavers celebration and heís also coming on a group holiday we arranged as a friendship group in Y12.
    It sounds like you are 18 or 19.

    but Iím finding myself starting to feel drained by our conversation and my patience is wearing thin .... I started feeling disappointed when my boyfriend replied instead of my friends.... I just find it hard to put the effort in . I would never want to hurt him, but I feel as though Iím falling out of love with him
    It also sounds like you know from your point of view that this relationship has run its course.

    And you know that at some point you will end it, and he will be hurt, and that makes you feel guilty.

    I feel as though I want to work towards us being close friends but I cant help sometimes thinking of him as something more and kicking myself about it
    And it sounds like you are, subconsciously at least, sizing up the possible next guy.

    I can only tell you what not to do, because it looks like you have already decided to dump boyfriend at some point, and perhaps move on to new friend at some later point (it takes two to tango).

    You will probably feel relief when you actually do the dumping. This does not make you a bad person. It is a normal part of the dumper's mental processing of a breakup. So -

    1. Don't talk to new friend about boy friend.

    2. Don't overlap.

    3. "he deserves so much more than me" - don't say that when you break up with him. It is not why you are breaking up. It is insulting to tell a dumpee that.

    4. Don't put off breaking up because boyfriend will be hurt. Whenever you do it, he will be hurt, that's the way things are. The longer you are together, the more hurt he will be.

    5. Don't pursue new guy too quickly. Concentrate on getting settled in to university first, and have a bit of a break before looking at dating.

    If boyfriend has any sense he will do No Contact after you dump him. That is a consequence you have to accept. The alternative would be a lot of begging and pleading, anger, etc so you should hope he does.
    Last edited by RayRay63; 03-10-2019 at 09:34 PM.


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