Jump to content

Have I lost her for good?


Hutchypro

Recommended Posts

We broke up three weeks ago.

We had been have problems for a while. No sex, because I'd ask her stay over and she'd be busy. When I tried to make plans she would change days or say she can't because she had other things on. But tiher times she would come out. But when she was out she would hardly talk I had to make all the convo and eventually she would come out of her shell a bit. I would ask I felt it was only me putting effort into the relationship and she would get upset and then it would make me feel bad and I d end up apologising for making her sad. She would say she will make more effort but she didn't really. I would ask and again she would be busy. She said last year she wasn't sure if she's happy anymore and questioned whether it wil ever get back to normal. I said yes and convinced her to spend more time. She came out with me for a good length of time and it worked, we had a great time and she admitted it was good. Then after that the same thing of asking to do stuff, bickering, etc continued as it was only me asking again:( eventually she said to me this isn't working again and we both mutually decided to stop. Deep down I didn't want to but I couldn't see any other way. I stopped putting int he effort because I was getting nothing back:( when we broke she said who knows what will happen in the future and that we would keep in touch. A couple of days later I sent her a letter, I told her I loved her, and in the future I'd like to meet up again, thanked her for the good times and left it at that. She thanked me back and i said speak soon. Contact stopped. Then a few weeks later I sent her a message asking her if we had a chance to make things work. She said at the moment it's best we don't. I took that as no. So again I left it and that was that, I wasn't planning in contacting her again and am getting on with my life. Then a few days later she text me out of the blue because she had heard that I had a new job. She wanted to know about it, Where, and when etc. Once she had her information she stop contacting me I said keep in touch and she has ignored it and I can see she hasn't read it. Why would she contact after rejecting me a few days earlier? I appreciate her contacting me though. I want to leave her in peace now. I'm trying to ease my feelings for her, as I think she's gone forever?

Link to comment

I agree that its over. Being together with someone shouldn't be that hard. If she wants to be with you, her actions will show you that she does... If she doesn't then her lack of effort will show you that as well. What does her lack of effort tell you?

 

Delete her from all means of contact which will help you to accept that she made very little effort to be with you and that now is the time to do the work you need to do to get to the stage of indifference to her.

 

You need to be free of her so you can find someone who makes an effort for you.

Link to comment

Yes, this is likely done for good.

 

She feels bad for hurting you and hopes you're doing okay, but she's been emotionally checked out for a long time. That's far more significant than one message asking how your new job is.

 

It's painful, no doubt. But it's time to work on acceptance that this chapter has closed so that you can move on.

Link to comment
. If she doesn't then her lack of effort will show you that as well. What does her lack of effort tell you?

 

You need to be free of her so you can find someone who makes an effort for you.

 

I understand her lack of effort showed she didn't want to be with me. I guess I was in denial. Didn't want to see it. In the beginning it was totally different but unfortunately I never got a real answer as to why this changed. I would ask her if she still wanted to be in the relationship and she would answer something like, I never said I didn't.

 

I fell for her badly and that's what's making it difficult. I'm trying my best to forget as I know she probably hasn't given me a second thought.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What were the fights about? It sounds like she was just not as into it as you were. Therefore pushing her constantly to do more, be more, act more, etc was actually pushing her further away. When you have to force someone to participate, what does that tell you?

 

Stop sending letters. Stop contacting her altogether. Stop reading those "how to get your ex back" scams. Especially following their bad advice about pretending to word it 'neutrally'. Those letters usually come off as creepy, begging and desperate. All these letters and contact accomplished is opening the door to friendzoning you

 

This is when you should have pulled the plug:

She said last year she wasn't sure if she's happy anymore
Link to comment
Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What were the fights about? It sounds like she was just not as into it as you were. Therefore pushing her constantly to do more, be more, act more, etc was actually pushing her further away. When you have to force someone to participate, what does that tell you?

 

Stop sending letters. Stop contacting her altogether. Stop reading those "how to get your ex back" scams. Especially following their bad advice about pretending to word it 'neutrally'. Those letters usually come off as creepy, begging and desperate. All these letters and contact accomplished is opening the door to friendzoning you

 

This is when you should have pulled the plug:

 

Three years. The fights weren't really fights just silly bickering that was about really silly things. I guess she didn't want me as much as I wanted her. I just wish she told me, although I think she was in her actions but maybe I was too in denial to realise. I've only sent one letter. I had too, for me really I couldn't leave it the ways things were. I didn't no plan on contacting her again, until she contacted me but I didn't want to ignore her. I haven't contacted her since and I'm no thanks going too now. In my letter I wasn't begging her to stay or anything like that I just wanted to close the book almost from my side. I guess I should of plugged the plug at that time yes, but she told me she didn't know what to do. I even gave her space to think. Then she said we would mkae it work, but it felt like me just putting in the efforts.

I just need to find someone new now, after the comments on here I realise she's gone and not coming back.

Link to comment

Excellent. Now you can move forward knowing you tried and she checked out a long long time ago. You'll be a lot happier in the future with someone you don't have to coerce to participate and reciprocate.

I just need to find someone new now, after the comments on here I realise she's gone and not coming back.

Link to comment
It won't be an easy road to recovery, but you will get there.

 

And when you're ready, you can get back out there. The right girl for you will reciprocate your interest without you having to campaign for it.

 

It never used to be so hard. We clicked from the get go. I'm finding it hard I admit, yes we had our ups and downs, but I really did like her, unfortunately it want felt the same from her.

Link to comment
It never used to be so hard. We clicked from the get go. I'm finding it hard I admit, yes we had our ups and downs, but I really did like her, unfortunately it want felt the same from her.

 

Sadly, this is what happens in relationships when one person has lost interest. It's not always logical or even something the dumper can pinpoint, but feelings can change and sometimes not in a way that is conducive to continuing the relationship.

 

I've been in that place before, unable to concretely identify why I no longer wanted to be a boyfriend but knowing without a doubt that I wanted to go our separate ways. I was much younger when I experienced this, but I do know what it feels like to not want to hurt a guy but also not want to be his girlfriend anymore. It sucks because you know it will bring pain to someone you care about, and it's a hard choice to make.

Link to comment
Sadly, this is what happens in relationships when one person has lost interest. It's not always logical or even something the dumper can pinpoint, but feelings can change and sometimes not in a way that is conducive to continuing the relationship.

 

I've been in that place before, unable to concretely identify why I no longer wanted to be a boyfriend but knowing without a doubt that I wanted to go our separate ways. I was much younger when I experienced this, but I do know what it feels like to not want to hurt a guy but also not want to be his girlfriend anymore. It sucks because you know it will bring pain to someone you care about, and it's a hard choice to make.

 

Thanks. I keep hoping she will come back but I have to remember she is gone now. I doubt she has even given me a second thought. I feel it's such a waste after what we built up, but as they say that's life. I can't force her to like me, and nor would I want t. Just the thought thought of her with someone else hurts.

Link to comment
Well she text me again. After hearing I'd had a bad day over the weekend..she asked if I was okay. I replied to her but didn't make any references to our relationship.
Block her. If she's not jonseing to be with you then she's just fluff that you don't need keeping you unmotivated to get over her.
Link to comment
Block her. If she's not jonseing to be with you then she's just fluff that you don't need keeping you unmotivated to get over her.

 

That's true. The last message I sent she has ignored....after initiating with me first. She's ignoring me but was still,posting all cheery and happy on social media. I have blocked now and trying my best to just get on.

Link to comment
That's true. The last message I sent she has ignored....after initiating with me first. She's ignoring me but was still,posting all cheery and happy on social media. I have blocked now and trying my best to just get on.

Good move, Hutch. You're going to get to the stage of indifference to her now. Keep busy with friends and family and hobbies and you'll get there faster.

 

Cheers!

Link to comment
Good move, Hutch. You're going to get to the stage of indifference to her now. Keep busy with friends and family and hobbies and you'll get there faster.

 

Cheers!

 

I hope so still finding it very difficult. I keep thinking she's still in my life and going to come back. Finding it hard to accept she has gone

Link to comment

Hey man, I went through exact same thing, except I wasnt as mature as you..I kept convincing her to try and it just got so bad. I didn't end it, she had to giving some excuses about life being busy and feelings changing. Same stuff, not making effort, nitpicking me for things, always busy. I finally accepted her reason because I could see this would just keep happening. I texted her after few days and got short polite reply. Nothing after from her. Made it 5 more days NC and sent short texting wishing all is well. Got a slightly more enthusiastic reply (with exclamation points, wow thats been a while! haha). but after that again - no reach out from her. Its been 11 days and im not going to contact again. As I felt her pull away I just went into a clingy death spiral and killed any glimmer of attraction or respect she had for me. Shame it went out like that. I muted her on media (not ready to block yet) and I noticed up until few days ago was checkin my posts. Even liked a post of mine and it freaked me out as I didnt know what it meant. Probably nothing or sign its ok to reach out? anyway, im feeling better NC and seeing how lopsided and one way this was. As others said, its clear for whatever their reasons they lost interest and just wanted out. Worse was I think she was with another guy last few months when she started getting meaner. She may be with him (or someone) now, but I have no proof or idea since I dont look at her or his social media. It would be too much.

 

So, not exactly same story but similar enough. Feel free to PM me if like to chat. good luck, lets move on and find someone who wants to be with us. BTW Im still hurting too and have not accepted. Go through anger and then sadness...hope you feel better soon

Link to comment
Hey man, I went through exact same thing, except I wasnt as mature as you..I kept convincing her to try and it just got so bad. I didn't end it, she had to giving some excuses about life being busy and feelings changing. Same stuff, not making effort, nitpicking me for things, always busy. I finally accepted her reason because I could see this would just keep happening. I texted her after few days and got short polite reply. Nothing after from her. Made it 5 more days NC and sent short texting wishing all is well. Got a slightly more enthusiastic reply (with exclamation points, wow thats been a while! haha). but after that again - no reach out from her. Its been 11 days and im not going to contact again. As I felt her pull away I just went into a clingy death spiral and killed any glimmer of attraction or respect she had for me. Shame it went out like that. I muted her on media (not ready to block yet) and I noticed up until few days ago was checkin my posts. Even liked a post of mine and it freaked me out as I didnt know what it meant. Probably nothing or sign its ok to reach out? anyway, im feeling better NC and seeing how lopsided and one way this was. As others said, its clear for whatever their reasons they lost interest and just wanted out. Worse was I think she was with another guy last few months when she started getting meaner. She may be with him (or someone) now, but I have no proof or idea since I dont look at her or his social media. It would be too much.

 

So, not exactly same story but similar enough. Feel free to PM me if like to chat. good luck, lets move on and find someone who wants to be with us. BTW Im still hurting too and have not accepted. Go through anger and then sadness...hope you feel better soon

 

Hey man, thanks for that. I still don't know the genuine reason she felt she was unhappy. She told me a couple of months ago she wasn't sure if she was unhappy...even gave her space to think...she said she didn't want to break up. I made the effort and convinced her to keep trying, she even agreed she'd made a mistake after a while. So afte rbthat I tried to continue and asked her to hang out, stay over, cook her meals, do stuff. Shed be busy most of the time, and wouldn't ask to do stuff with me. In th end I think I he,led her out a but by mutually breaking. I ju couldn't see any other way, and in a way my love for her, as much as it hurts me, I wanted her to be happy. I've always told her that...I want her to be happy no matter what, with me or not. Because I love her.

She reached out twice, and both times stopped the conversation again. I haven't heard from her since. She looked at my social media post and she had posted things which made her seem she just forgotten about me and getting on. She did post wearing things I bought her as a gift which hurt a bit but was nice, and she still had pictures off me and things we did together on her social media.

I'm trying my best to keep busy, I've even had a girl from school pop up and talk to me, she even told me how much she fancied me in school. But it doesn't feel the same.

The worst thing is, I think about her everyday, I miss her etc but she appears just to be getting on like nithing ever happened. I guess when I find someone else I will realise that things were one sided.

 

I hope you find peace too

Link to comment

I feel for ya brother. My love was a bit more selfish than yours so maybe was lust/attachment in my case. I don't know. I do know this. What has helped me in these 2weeks of NC has I have not looked at her social media even once even she looks I mine. I know I couldn't handle it and keep me thi thinking of her. I'd suggest unfriending or at least unfollowing. It's helped me get this far. I still think of her everyday but if I see photos then it's like I'm still in her life. I feel she moved on long ago and just living life without me. I don't need photos to rub that in and neither do you.

 

She stopped looking at my posts and while I don't know why or what means I need to just try to heal and majd my life better. Just my thoughts. Hang in there. Block her or unfroend. Trust me it will help speed up healing. Stay strong

Link to comment
I feel for ya brother. My love was a bit more selfish than yours so maybe was lust/attachment in my case. I don't know. I do know this. What has helped me in these 2weeks of NC has I have not looked at her social media even once even she looks I mine. I know I couldn't handle it and keep me thi thinking of her. I'd suggest unfriending or at least unfollowing. It's helped me get this far. I still think of her everyday but if I see photos then it's like I'm still in her life. I feel she moved on long ago and just living life without me. I don't need photos to rub that in and neither do you.

 

She stopped looking at my posts and while I don't know why or what means I need to just try to heal and majd my life better. Just my thoughts. Hang in there. Block her or unfroend. Trust me it will help speed up healing. Stay strong

 

Thanks, it's hard. I keep trying to tell myself she's gone. I think she's probably forgotten all about me already.

I would love for her to come back but it's no time going to happen

Link to comment
Thanks, it's hard. I keep trying to tell myself she's gone. I think she's probably forgotten all about me already.

I would love for her to come back but it's no time going to happen

 

 

how is it going? any developments? im still NC for 3 weeks now. Its getting easier and feeling more like myself. Starting to feel angry at her a bit instead of sad. Hope you are doing well and staying away.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...