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Thread: Have I lost her for good?

  1. #1
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    Have I lost her for good?

    We broke up three weeks ago.
    We had been have problems for a while. No sex, because I'd ask her stay over and she'd be busy. When I tried to make plans she would change days or say she can't because she had other things on. But tiher times she would come out. But when she was out she would hardly talk I had to make all the convo and eventually she would come out of her shell a bit. I would ask I felt it was only me putting effort into the relationship and she would get upset and then it would make me feel bad and I d end up apologising for making her sad. She would say she will make more effort but she didn't really. I would ask and again she would be busy. She said last year she wasn't sure if she's happy anymore and questioned whether it wil ever get back to normal. I said yes and convinced her to spend more time. She came out with me for a good length of time and it worked, we had a great time and she admitted it was good. Then after that the same thing of asking to do stuff, bickering, etc continued as it was only me asking again:( eventually she said to me this isn't working again and we both mutually decided to stop. Deep down I didn't want to but I couldn't see any other way. I stopped putting int he effort because I was getting nothing back:( when we broke she said who knows what will happen in the future and that we would keep in touch. A couple of days later I sent her a letter, I told her I loved her, and in the future I'd like to meet up again, thanked her for the good times and left it at that. She thanked me back and i said speak soon. Contact stopped. Then a few weeks later I sent her a message asking her if we had a chance to make things work. She said at the moment it's best we don't. I took that as no. So again I left it and that was that, I wasn't planning in contacting her again and am getting on with my life. Then a few days later she text me out of the blue because she had heard that I had a new job. She wanted to know about it, Where, and when etc. Once she had her information she stop contacting me I said keep in touch and she has ignored it and I can see she hasn't read it. Why would she contact after rejecting me a few days earlier? I appreciate her contacting me though. I want to leave her in peace now. I'm trying to ease my feelings for her, as I think she's gone forever?

  2. #2
    Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    She probably feels some kind of guilt about the whole thing and thinks that by showing interest in your new job she could ease the blow.

    It's over. You need to turn the page and move on with your life and let her lead her life.

  3. #3
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    Why would you want to continue with her? This relationship sounds awful. You shouldn't have t convince people to be with you, they should want to.


    Move on. You need to block and delete.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I agree that its over. Being together with someone shouldn't be that hard. If she wants to be with you, her actions will show you that she does... If she doesn't then her lack of effort will show you that as well. What does her lack of effort tell you?

    Delete her from all means of contact which will help you to accept that she made very little effort to be with you and that now is the time to do the work you need to do to get to the stage of indifference to her.

    You need to be free of her so you can find someone who makes an effort for you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Yup it's over, you need to accept that. No relationship should be so hard.

  7. #6
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    Yes, this is likely done for good.

    She feels bad for hurting you and hopes you're doing okay, but she's been emotionally checked out for a long time. That's far more significant than one message asking how your new job is.

    It's painful, no doubt. But it's time to work on acceptance that this chapter has closed so that you can move on.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    . If she doesn't then her lack of effort will show you that as well. What does her lack of effort tell you?

    You need to be free of her so you can find someone who makes an effort for you.
    I understand her lack of effort showed she didn't want to be with me. I guess I was in denial. Didn't want to see it. In the beginning it was totally different but unfortunately I never got a real answer as to why this changed. I would ask her if she still wanted to be in the relationship and she would answer something like, I never said I didn't.

    I fell for her badly and that's what's making it difficult. I'm trying my best to forget as I know she probably hasn't given me a second thought.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What were the fights about? It sounds like she was just not as into it as you were. Therefore pushing her constantly to do more, be more, act more, etc was actually pushing her further away. When you have to force someone to participate, what does that tell you?

    Stop sending letters. Stop contacting her altogether. Stop reading those "how to get your ex back" scams. Especially following their bad advice about pretending to word it 'neutrally'. Those letters usually come off as creepy, begging and desperate. All these letters and contact accomplished is opening the door to friendzoning you

    This is when you should have pulled the plug:
    Originally Posted by Hutchypro
    She said last year she wasn't sure if she's happy anymore

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What were the fights about? It sounds like she was just not as into it as you were. Therefore pushing her constantly to do more, be more, act more, etc was actually pushing her further away. When you have to force someone to participate, what does that tell you?

    Stop sending letters. Stop contacting her altogether. Stop reading those "how to get your ex back" scams. Especially following their bad advice about pretending to word it 'neutrally'. Those letters usually come off as creepy, begging and desperate. All these letters and contact accomplished is opening the door to friendzoning you

    This is when you should have pulled the plug:
    Three years. The fights weren't really fights just silly bickering that was about really silly things. I guess she didn't want me as much as I wanted her. I just wish she told me, although I think she was in her actions but maybe I was too in denial to realise. I've only sent one letter. I had too, for me really I couldn't leave it the ways things were. I didn't no plan on contacting her again, until she contacted me but I didn't want to ignore her. I haven't contacted her since and I'm no thanks going too now. In my letter I wasn't begging her to stay or anything like that I just wanted to close the book almost from my side. I guess I should of plugged the plug at that time yes, but she told me she didn't know what to do. I even gave her space to think. Then she said we would mkae it work, but it felt like me just putting in the efforts.
    I just need to find someone new now, after the comments on here I realise she's gone and not coming back.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Now you can move forward knowing you tried and she checked out a long long time ago. You'll be a lot happier in the future with someone you don't have to coerce to participate and reciprocate.
    Originally Posted by Hutchypro
    I just need to find someone new now, after the comments on here I realise she's gone and not coming back.

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