My boyfriend is trying to hurt me to get back at me

Hi all. Hopefully this post doesn’t turn out to be too long. My boyfriend & I (together over 3 years) just recently almost broke up. He was upset about me picking fights and seemingly getting mad for no reason. Which I get. Totally uncool of me. After a deep talk, we decided to stay together, but he was unsure about it because he wasn’t sure the relationship would get better. So since then, I’ve admitted that I may be a little depressed. I’ve been feeling generally uninspired and unsure of what I want to do with my life, which has caused me internal stress and then caused conflict in my relationship. I’ve made appointments to see a therapist, started a meditation practice, started going to anger management meetings, started reading books most of the day, started waking up early and eating better, etc. Basically doing everything possible to improve my own happiness within myself and fix my relationship because I am deeply in love with my boyfriend. But since we’ve decided to stay together, he’s been extra sensitive to everything. For instance, one day I made us 20-30 minutes late to the gym because I was having a “personal/girl” issue that morning. I apologized for being late & said I would wake up even earlier from then on, but allll morning he gave me dig after dig about how I made ya late & I always make us late & im a liar & I’ll never change, etc. This hurt me pretty bad because I’ve been trying so hard to do better & doing a good job at it, but I fell short that morning. It ended up being a whole day ordeal where I got on for making us 20 minutes late. The whole thing felt like a giant overreaction to me. Fast forward to later that day when we were out buying some ‘medicinal’ cartridges to a friend. Apparently he told me he wanted to spend $120 and a few dollars as a tip. I honestly only heard him say $120 plus tip, so I gave the guy $140 total. My boyfriend ended up getting sooo mad at me over it even though it totally wasn’t a big deal. I told him I was sorry I misheard him and that he didn’t have to pay me back for the extra $17, but he got so mad over it. I brought it up to him afterward about how upset I was that he has been overreacting and all he has to say to me is “well that’s how you make me feel all the time so you’re just gonna have to deal with it”. I know I’ve hurt him by overreacting in the past, but I’ve been trying SO SO hard to do better & ive been doing very well. I don’t think it’s fair for him to do it back at me on purpose & tell me too bad I have to deal with it. I don’t think two wrongs make a right. I think if he chose to forgive me, he shouldn’t be actively trying to “get back at me”. Am I wrong? Should I just keep letting him do this to me? Do I deserve to be hurt back?

A healthy relationship should not involve hurt and vengeful behaviour. Period. You two are trapped in a toxic pattern and it doesn't sound like you can get out of it. What you did in the past was wrong. What he is doing in the present is also wrong. Imo, you should break up.

Under review.