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Thread: Girlfriend needs a break and time to get herself together

  1. #1

    Girlfriend needs a break and time to get herself together

    Me and my girlfriend have been dating for three months (not for long but just keep reading). We are in love with each other, we saw each other every day and we were the happiest couple. Recently, she has been acting different and distant. She explained to me that it was around this time of year that a traumatic event has occurred in her early teen years (she also was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years). I understood that it was going to be difficult for her for the next few weeks. She told me that she needed to spend a little less time around me because she was not comfortable enough to be around me as often as she was before. I gave her the space she needed while also talking to her as much as she wanted every day. A couple of days ago we sat down and had a talk. She told me that she is not happy and doesn't understand why she's not happy. She said that she had everything she needed to be happy but just isn't. She made it clear that it had nothing to do with me and that she loves me so much. however she said that this was something she needed to deal with on her own. She asked for us to take a break to get herself together, although she felt it wasn't fair for me to go through that. I reassured her that I was serious about us and that I wasn't going to give up on us. She seemed to understand. She asked for me to leave her alone and to not reach out for her. I told her I respect her wishes and that I will be there for her when she wants it.

    With that being said, here are my questions:
    If she does not reach out for me within the next couple of weeks, should I check in with her to see how she is doing? If so, how should I reach out to her and what should I say?


    I am totally lost without her. I love her so much and it hurts to watch her go through these dark times and I cannot do anything about it. I feel a real connection with her and I want this more than anything in the world.

  2. #2
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    Ok. Iím really sorry in advance - but Iím going to be blunt and itís going to hurt.

    Youíve been dumped. She just doesnít have the balls to tell you that.

    Traumatic event, abuse, blah blah blah... Iím sorry. The whole purpose of having a relationship is to be able to be vulnerable with each other, to grow and learn about each other, to lean on each other in good times and bad.

    She doesnít want any of that.

    I know that it hurts really bad... but I think her attempts to ďlet you down easyĒ are a disservice to you.

    Iím so sorry. I do feel the pain in your post. But I honestly feel that you are better to find ways to accept and move on than to hold on for many months hoping and pining for her return.

    Iím sorry :(

  3. #3
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    I'm sorry, she had not handled this in a better way, She should have told you it was over, instead of stringing you along. Do not reach out to her, and when she contacts you to be her friend, tell her no. She is not your friend, as you should be in contact when there are feelings.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You need to treat this as a break up and move on. At best, she is in no condition to be dating, at worst this was just a very fake excuse to walk out. When someone drops you like that you should never stick around. This is an unhealthy situation. Healthy relationships never come to that. If they need to drop you in order to get better then they don't value you enough regardless of whatever sugarcoating they might try to use. The truth is in their actions...

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  6. #5
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    Yes really sorry OP but she's dumped you without having the decency to be honest about it. I would just focus on yourself for now. Do not accept an offer of friendship.

    She's possibly met someone else and using this timeout to try the waters with them or is simply hoping you will give up and go away.

    Don't let someone else dictate your life. Sorry this has happened you clearly care for her.

  7. 03-09-2019, 07:20 AM


  8. 03-09-2019, 07:28 AM


  9. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    1. 3 months in is infatuation, not love.

    2. Seeing each other every day is way too much at this stage. I'm going to guess that you were smothering and don't have much of a life besides having a gf.

    3. If in fact she has emotional baggage, people who don't get rid of those barriers have no business dating.

    4. People who dump you will likely do it again if you got back together once the newness wears off, because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

    5. If you feel lost after only 90 days together, it's because you likely don't have a support system of hanging out with guy friends and family, and having a hobby/interest you can be passionate about. You will benefit yourself by doing this for your own good, and you will be a lot more attractive to women when you have an independent life besides her.

  10. 03-09-2019, 11:39 AM

  11. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. It sounds like she isn't ready to date/be in a relationship. Don't reach out, let her contact you.
    Originally Posted by mallaboo6234
    Me and my girlfriend have been dating for three months
    She asked for me to leave her alone and to not reach out for her.

  12. 03-09-2019, 01:01 PM

  13. 03-09-2019, 01:50 PM

  14. #8
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Enn
    While I agree with you that the OP should go No Contact and never reach out again, the rest of your post is really rather offensive nonsense. Are you one of those coaches who teaches men how to be 'alpha'?
    I have also noticed that he seems to generalize women to the point of sounding misogynistic. This is a mistake in general, with any group of people, whether we're talking about men or women or young people or cultures or anyone. I know that since I'm just a female my words won't be taken seriously since we gals rarely speak what we mean, but in the real world, it's impossible to make a factual blanket statement like that. Similarly, I never say that "all men are like this or that" because such a statement would be ignorant and false. People can surprise you, but if you've already made up your mind that women have limited capacity for thinking and acting, then that's all you're going to see. God speed.

    OP, best of luck to you. I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you can take some time for yourself.

    ~LC

  15. #9
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    Originally Posted by LC8328
    I have also noticed that he seems to generalize women to the point of sounding misogynistic. This is a mistake in general, with any group of people, whether we're talking about men or women or young people or cultures or anyone. I know that since I'm just a female my words won't be taken seriously since we gals rarely speak what we mean, but in the real world, it's impossible to make a factual blanket statement like that. Similarly, I never say that "all men are like this or that" because such a statement would be ignorant and false. People can surprise you, but if you've already made up your mind that women have limited capacity for thinking and acting, then that's all you're going to see.
    Agreed - though obviously neither of us should be taken seriously on account of our reproductive organs, I do hope we're allowed to indulge in our frivolous conversation. :-)

    My feeling about this forum is it's full of a lot of PEOPLE who are thoughtful about relationships...enough to ask advice and generally to see if they could have done anything different. I see a tiny minority as bitter (often with good reason). To me, the patterns look the same regardless of gender: some PEOPLE overlap and cheat and lie without a thought, rather than telling someone the truth and losing the emotional support. Other PEOPLE can't understand how you could do that and sleep at night.

    What rubs me up the wrong way is...I bloody HATE this idea that women see men as 'providers' - I don't want or need a man to provide for me. I've never been out with a man who earned more than I did, and though I have nice things, I'm not Bill Gates. It's bloody insulting in this day and age to have some neanderthal come in and make these assertions.

    And yes, OP - stay strong and stay in No Contact. I know you feel sore but you will get stronger every day if you stay in NC, and, if you need motivation to stick to it, you need to remember it's the ONLY way to make her miss you. (My experience has been that a partner who leaves abruptly will, if you just let them go, come back when you can take or leave them...I promise you you will get to the stage where you don't care one way or the other).

  16. 03-10-2019, 07:53 AM


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