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Thread: Surprise Kid

  1. #1

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    Surprise Kid

    Hi,
    So at a bit of a lose here. Seeing a nice guy for a little over a year. he's sweet and yet gruff, and over the last few months we've gotten a lot closer.
    So imagine my surprise last night when i saw a child's toothbrush in his bathroom. He had invited me over for dinner and more. So he knew i was coming, and left it out. Anyway, i ask and he tells me he has a 5 year daughter.

    He has a kid, that's fine. He existed before i knew him, a given. But i just can't wrap my brain around why he never told me. She lives with his ex (who i knew about) and visits once or twice a month. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said at first we were not overly serious. Which is true, more smash buddies then anything else. And then more and more time passed and he had no idea how to tell me. He said leaving the stuff out was not an intentional way of telling me. He only recently got a new place, previously had roomates, so she never stayed over night with him there.

    I feel slightly hurt he didn't tell me, and while he understands that he also got miffed cause i said i needed some space to think. My gut reaction is to end it. He has a whole part of his life he intentionally didn't share, what else might be lurking just over the horizon? (I did ask and he said nothing). My brain was reeling, typing it out seems to be helping. I just feel like i can;t trust him. There have been times where we were going out and he'd cancel and cite 'work emergency' but now i have to wonder if he lied and his daughter needed him. Which hey, skipping dinner for your kid is an awesome dad, but lying. And we chatted about longterm, again, he stated i made it clear from the start i didn't wanted a hearts and flowers 'relationship' and i don't want kids. Which is still true, i'm twice divorced, i've tried that long term and it never suited me. I just can;t seem to get by the fact he omitted part of his life

    Anyway, i'm confused

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    If you both agree to nothing long term why is it an issue? I can see the issue of lying as huge but the child themselves if nothing is long term...:?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    So you were just casual friends with benefits, therefore there isn't any need to disclose his personal life.
    Things started to evolve into something more serious and now this omission is the elephant in the room.

    I guess this one is up to you. Is this a deal breaker or just really bad timing?

    I suppose I would measure it up against the rest of his character, but I would definitely step back in order to objectively sort things out.
    Is there anything else amiss?

  4. #4

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    No, everything else seems fine. And i don't care he has a kid, it just seems so odd that he never told me. We've told each other all about our lives, past to present and future.
    We even chatted last night, he assumed i'd never want to meet her and well, that's not really true. I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cat13
    No, everything else seems fine. And i don't care he has a kid, it just seems so odd that he never told me. We've told each other all about our lives, past to present and future.
    We even chatted last night, he assumed i'd never want to meet her and well, that's not really true. I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.
    I was rooting for him and a reason, but if you two are becoming transparent and he's sharing everything, everything but her - because `he assumed i'd never want to meet her' then I'd have a huge problem with this.

    IF you never really wanted to meet her, then he should say good bye to you because you wouldn't be a suitable partner for a father a of child.

    It's a reflection of what type of father he might be and his overall character. If he's not disclosing he's a father, he's looking out for himself and what's in it for him.

    He didn't consider your feelings or his daughters welfare.
    If you happen to be someone who didn't want to date a man with kids, he just denied you that choice by withholding that information.

    My kids are pretty much the first thing that falls out my mouth. I can't imagine hiding them.

    I guess this all is hinged on what the expectation is. Is he assuming that you two are becoming an item or staying fwb's?

  7. #6
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    I agree.

    While I definitely understand why it would throw you for a loop that you didn’t know he had a kid (let’s be real - isn’t that usually one of the first things you learn about people?)... and it would make you feel like you have not known him at all this whole time... I do also agree that it’s somewhat irrelevant if you aren’t planning to be serious or long term or move in together, etc. If it’s basically only sex and the occasional companionship that you’re after - he has been offering that.

    From his perspective, you’ve been a fun no-strings distraction from his day-to-day life (per mutual agreement). Often people who are parents complain that they are stuck in the role of “mom” or “dad” or “employee”, etc and they don’t get a chance to just be themselves. You have been that for him. With you, he’s just him.

    Are you re-thinking your stance on what you want? Or were you secretly hoping it would turn into more and therefore you feel tricked?

    It may also have come from a place of fear. If you said you didn’t want kids, he was isolating you from that. (A lot of people think “don’t want kids” means “don’t want kids around” which to me is different)

    Anyways - not sure why this affects your sex life if that’s what the relationship is primarily about. Also not sure how this impacts his trustworthiness as you mutually agreed to just have fun...

    I think you are in shock as to the revelation. I don’t think that necessarily makes him “wrong”.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I was rooting for him and a reason, but if you two are becoming transparent and he's sharing everything, everything but her - because `he assumed i'd never want to meet her' then I'd have a huge problem with this.

    IF you never really wanted to meet her, then he should say good bye to you because you wouldn't be a suitable partner for a father a of child.

    It's a reflection of what type of father he might be and his overall character. If he's not disclosing he's a father, he's looking out for himself and what's in it for him.

    He didn't consider your feelings or his daughters welfare.
    If you happen to be someone who didn't want to date a man with kids, he just denied you that choice by withholding that information.

    My kids are pretty much the first thing that falls out my mouth. I can't imagine hiding them.

    I guess this all is hinged on what the expectation is. Is he assuming that you two are becoming an item or staying fwb's?
    I agree. I think that it is very strange that it was not shared, unless you simply meet for sex and that's it.

    What do you want from this situation?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think you should just break up with him. You don't want kids so what is this relationship going to give you when there is a kid going to be in it?


    If you're going to be "smash buddies" with someone else in the future and it ends up ongoing, maybe you should ask if they have any kids incase you end up wanting more then just the smash.

    FWIW: I'd not have told you either as no strings attached means, no strings attached. Confiding personal information to you is attaching a string/strings.

    I find it strange that people want strings when they are just there to "smash."

    Originally Posted by Cat13
    No, everything else seems fine. And i don't care he has a kid, it just seems so odd that he never told me. We've told each other all about our lives, past to present and future.
    We even chatted last night, he assumed i'd never want to meet her and well, that's not really true. I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.
    If he loves his daughter he'd never allow you in her life. Any woman he gets serious with should want to be more than a tag along with her and dad for a day out. If you're not exclusive, serious and have been dating for more than a year than she is better off not knowing you so she won't be hurt when your time together ends and you are suddenly no longer in her life.

  10. #9
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
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    He didn't tell you because you have made it clear you do not want children.

    i'm twice divorced, i've tried that long term and it never suited me.
    Why shouldn't he keep this to himself? He doesn't have to lay all his cards on the table, since you're not sticking around. Sure he's caring and he likes you, but knowing this relationship is temporary means he has the right to keep some things to himself (not counting things like possible STDs etc).

    I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.
    Um, okay. This is not just about what you want. It's also about what he wants and what his child needs. Regardless of what kind of relationship he wants with any woman right now, exposing one's child to an on and off girlfriend (or worse, casual sex girlfriend who won't be around forever) is not a great idea. Children need stability.

    And saying "an afternoon at the zoo is fine" is not the same as saying "She sounds adorable. I'd love to meet her!" He probably wants to save that kinda thing for a woman who will be in his life for a while, one he has a future with, not someone who can barely tolerate kids.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    If I had a kid, I doubt I'd ever make a conscious effort to bring him or her into conversation with a "smash buddy." He clearly and, IMO appropriately, made a strict compartmentalization with that. And I actually kinda doubt he the toothbrush out to indirectly let you know he has a kid. I'd put several grand on him having forgotten about it and that he simply knew "because we're smash buddies" probably wouldn't cut it for you.

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