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Thread: Surprise Kid

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by LC8328
    He didn't tell you because you have made it clear you do not want children.



    Why shouldn't he keep this to himself? He doesn't have to lay all his cards on the table, since you're not sticking around. Sure he's caring and he likes you, but knowing this relationship is temporary means he has the right to keep some things to himself (not counting things like possible STDs etc).



    Um, okay. This is not just about what you want. It's also about what he wants and what his child needs. Regardless of what kind of relationship he wants with any woman right now, exposing one's child to an on and off girlfriend (or worse, casual sex girlfriend who won't be around forever) is not a great idea. Children need stability.

    And saying "an afternoon at the zoo is fine" is not the same as saying "She sounds adorable. I'd love to meet her!" He probably wants to save that kinda thing for a woman who will be in his life for a while, one he has a future with, not someone who can barely tolerate kids.
    What does not wanting to have a kid have to do with the fact that you do not share that you have a kid? This is a very important part of one's life. It sounds like they are a bit more than f buddies at this point.

  2. #12

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    J.man, he used that exact word, that he compartmentalizes his life. Interesting input folks, thanks
    And yes holly, we've moved beyond just that. I think i triggered people by using the term smash buddies. At this point he's a very dear friend who i confide everything in, and we spend frequent nights together, just chatting. No smashing. i would have totally respected , Hey, i have a kid but i don't let them meet folks and I don't share about them.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'd poke a little deeper as to why you feel hurt. Did you feel like you were getting close to him as a person? Does it feel like a rude awakening to realize how little you actually know of him?

    It's a matter of figuring out what you want. Maybe being bed and breakfast buddies isn't enough for you, but you don't want the serious relationship either? I don't think that's unattainable , but I think for him he's keeping you very compartmentalized from his life . I admit I find it a bit bizarre to compartmentalize to the point he didn't just say ' I have a daughter. Sometimes plans might have to be flexible to accomodate that. I'd like to keep that separate from what we have going on. How's that for you?' . I mean, basic communication and it seems a lot easier to me. But maybe he's done that in the past and lines blur and it gets messy. I don't know.

    Good luck in your decision.

  4. #14
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    What does not wanting to have a kid have to do with the fact that you do not share that you have a kid? This is a very important part of one's life. It sounds like they are a bit more than f buddies at this point.
    OP said she doesn't want a long term relationship. If this weren't the case, he could certainly introduce his child to her. She would potentially be a step mother to her, so yes, not wanting children is an important aspect to all this, a single parent who is dating might certainly try to weed out those who don't want children. Not wanting children around at all can also fall under this umbrella.

    Admittedly I was also shocked to hear that she didn't hear about his daughter a year or a year and a half in. But then I saw that she didn't want a long-term relationship, meaning that this arrangement is temporary. If OP's goal was settling down with him in the near- or far-off future, then, yes, he should absolutely have revealed that to her a long time ago.

    I do admit it's odd that he never once mentioned the daughter during all this time, but thinking from the single dad's perspective, I could understand why.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by LC8328
    OP said she doesn't want a long term relationship. If this weren't the case, he could certainly introduce his child to her. She would potentially be a step mother to her, so yes, not wanting children is an important aspect to all this, a single parent who is dating might certainly try to weed out those who don't want children. Not wanting children around at all can also fall under this umbrella.

    Admittedly I was also shocked to hear that she didn't hear about his daughter a year or a year and a half in. But then I saw that she didn't want a long-term relationship, meaning that this arrangement is temporary. If OP's goal was settling down with him in the near- or far-off future, then, yes, he should absolutely have revealed that to her a long time ago.

    I do admit it's odd that he never once mentioned the daughter during all this time, but thinking from the single dad's perspective, I could understand why.
    He should have shared that he had a child, as they are no longer just f buddies. They have become closer and the dynamic has changed. She does not have to meet the child, but he should have told her.

    Sorry, I think it is very weird.

  7. #16

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    No fighting folks, i value nearly all the input here. I share your view Hollyj, sometimes good to hear some other sides as well. I may or may not agree but..
    I in no way want to impact his daughter, or his relationship with her. Part of me views it as protective by him. Someone up above stated i might just be processing the shock of it.

  8. #17
    Gold Member LC8328's Avatar
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    No fighting here. Just healthy disagreements.

    I definitely understand you're in shock. You've been seeing him for quite a while and this changes everything you knew about him.

    How are things between you two now?

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by LC8328
    No fighting here. Just healthy disagreements.

    I definitely understand you're in shock. You've been seeing him for quite a while and this changes everything you knew about him.

    How are things between you two now?
    Yes. "healthy disagreements."
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-08-2019 at 04:42 PM.

  10. #19

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    Things are awkward, i think he's concerned the dynamic is broken cause i'm asking for some time to perhaps let the surprise dissipate. I made it very clear that it was the fact that i didn't know not that he had a kid that threw me for a loop. Hearing other's use the term compartmentalize makes me feel like perhaps he's not alone in how he treats his life aspects.
    So for now awkward and perhaps we both feel a bit hurt

  11. #20
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    If I wanted a relationship, it would not be with him. Not because of transparency questions, which I could rationalize away. More because I would be wondering what kind of dad is he?

    As a casual situation? Who cares.

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