Surprise Kid

Hi,

So at a bit of a lose here. Seeing a nice guy for a little over a year. he's sweet and yet gruff, and over the last few months we've gotten a lot closer.

So imagine my surprise last night when i saw a child's toothbrush in his bathroom. He had invited me over for dinner and more. So he knew i was coming, and left it out. Anyway, i ask and he tells me he has a 5 year daughter.

He has a kid, that's fine. He existed before i knew him, a given. But i just can't wrap my brain around why he never told me. She lives with his ex (who i knew about) and visits once or twice a month. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said at first we were not overly serious. Which is true, more smash buddies then anything else. And then more and more time passed and he had no idea how to tell me. He said leaving the stuff out was not an intentional way of telling me. He only recently got a new place, previously had roomates, so she never stayed over night with him there.

I feel slightly hurt he didn't tell me, and while he understands that he also got miffed cause i said i needed some space to think. My gut reaction is to end it. He has a whole part of his life he intentionally didn't share, what else might be lurking just over the horizon? (I did ask and he said nothing). My brain was reeling, typing it out seems to be helping. I just feel like i can;t trust him. There have been times where we were going out and he'd cancel and cite 'work emergency' but now i have to wonder if he lied and his daughter needed him. Which hey, skipping dinner for your kid is an awesome dad, but lying. And we chatted about longterm, again, he stated i made it clear from the start i didn't wanted a hearts and flowers 'relationship' and i don't want kids. Which is still true, i'm twice divorced, i've tried that long term and it never suited me. I just can;t seem to get by the fact he omitted part of his life

Anyway, i'm confused

If you both agree to nothing long term why is it an issue? I can see the issue of lying as huge but the child themselves if nothing is long term...:?

So you were just casual friends with benefits, therefore there isn't any need to disclose his personal life.

Things started to evolve into something more serious and now this omission is the elephant in the room.

I guess this one is up to you. Is this a deal breaker or just really bad timing?

I suppose I would measure it up against the rest of his character, but I would definitely step back in order to objectively sort things out.

Is there anything else amiss?

No, everything else seems fine. And i don't care he has a kid, it just seems so odd that he never told me. We've told each other all about our lives, past to present and future.

We even chatted last night, he assumed i'd never want to meet her and well, that's not really true. I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.

No, everything else seems fine. And i don't care he has a kid, it just seems so odd that he never told me. We've told each other all about our lives, past to present and future.

We even chatted last night, he assumed i'd never want to meet her and well, that's not really true. I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.

I was rooting for him and a reason, but if you two are becoming transparent and he's sharing everything, everything but her - because `he assumed i'd never want to meet her' then I'd have a huge problem with this.

IF you never really wanted to meet her, then he should say good bye to you because you wouldn't be a suitable partner for a father a of child.

It's a reflection of what type of father he might be and his overall character. If he's not disclosing he's a father, he's looking out for himself and what's in it for him.

He didn't consider your feelings or his daughters welfare.

If you happen to be someone who didn't want to date a man with kids, he just denied you that choice by withholding that information.

My kids are pretty much the first thing that falls out my mouth. I can't imagine hiding them.

I guess this all is hinged on what the expectation is. Is he assuming that you two are becoming an item or staying fwb's?

I agree.

While I definitely understand why it would throw you for a loop that you didn’t know he had a kid (let’s be real - isn’t that usually one of the first things you learn about people?)... and it would make you feel like you have not known him at all this whole time... I do also agree that it’s somewhat irrelevant if you aren’t planning to be serious or long term or move in together, etc. If it’s basically only sex and the occasional companionship that you’re after - he has been offering that.

From his perspective, you’ve been a fun no-strings distraction from his day-to-day life (per mutual agreement). Often people who are parents complain that they are stuck in the role of “mom” or “dad” or “employee”, etc and they don’t get a chance to just be themselves. You have been that for him. With you, he’s just him.

Are you re-thinking your stance on what you want? Or were you secretly hoping it would turn into more and therefore you feel tricked?

It may also have come from a place of fear. If you said you didn’t want kids, he was isolating you from that. (A lot of people think “don’t want kids” means “don’t want kids around” which to me is different)

Anyways - not sure why this affects your sex life if that’s what the relationship is primarily about. Also not sure how this impacts his trustworthiness as you mutually agreed to just have fun...

I think you are in shock as to the revelation. I don’t think that necessarily makes him “wrong”.

I was rooting for him and a reason, but if you two are becoming transparent and he's sharing everything, everything but her - because `he assumed i'd never want to meet her' then I'd have a huge problem with this.

 

IF you never really wanted to meet her, then he should say good bye to you because you wouldn't be a suitable partner for a father a of child.

 

It's a reflection of what type of father he might be and his overall character. If he's not disclosing he's a father, he's looking out for himself and what's in it for him.

 

He didn't consider your feelings or his daughters welfare.

If you happen to be someone who didn't want to date a man with kids, he just denied you that choice by withholding that information.

 

My kids are pretty much the first thing that falls out my mouth. I can't imagine hiding them.

 

I guess this all is hinged on what the expectation is. Is he assuming that you two are becoming an item or staying fwb's?

I agree. I think that it is very strange that it was not shared, unless you simply meet for sex and that's it.

What do you want from this situation?

I think you should just break up with him. You don't want kids so what is this relationship going to give you when there is a kid going to be in it?

If you're going to be "smash buddies" with someone else in the future and it ends up ongoing, maybe you should ask if they have any kids incase you end up wanting more then just the smash.

FWIW: I'd not have told you either as no strings attached means, no strings attached. Confiding personal information to you is attaching a string/strings.

I find it strange that people want strings when they are just there to "smash."

No, everything else seems fine. And i don't care he has a kid, it just seems so odd that he never told me. We've told each other all about our lives, past to present and future.

We even chatted last night, he assumed i'd never want to meet her and well, that's not really true. I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.

If he loves his daughter he'd never allow you in her life. Any woman he gets serious with should want to be more than a tag along with her and dad for a day out. If you're not exclusive, serious and have been dating for more than a year than she is better off not knowing you so she won't be hurt when your time together ends and you are suddenly no longer in her life.

He didn't tell you because you have made it clear you do not want children.

i'm twice divorced, i've tried that long term and it never suited me.

Why shouldn't he keep this to himself? He doesn't have to lay all his cards on the table, since you're not sticking around. Sure he's caring and he likes you, but knowing this relationship is temporary means he has the right to keep some things to himself (not counting things like possible STDs etc).

I don't want to be a pseudo Mommy, but an afternoon at the zoo is fine.

Um, okay. This is not just about what you want. It's also about what he wants and what his child needs. Regardless of what kind of relationship he wants with any woman right now, exposing one's child to an on and off girlfriend (or worse, casual sex girlfriend who won't be around forever) is not a great idea. Children need stability.

And saying "an afternoon at the zoo is fine" is not the same as saying "She sounds adorable. I'd love to meet her!" He probably wants to save that kinda thing for a woman who will be in his life for a while, one he has a future with, not someone who can barely tolerate kids.

If I had a kid, I doubt I'd ever make a conscious effort to bring him or her into conversation with a "smash buddy." He clearly and, IMO appropriately, made a strict compartmentalization with that. And I actually kinda doubt he the toothbrush out to indirectly let you know he has a kid. I'd put several grand on him having forgotten about it and that he simply knew "because we're smash buddies" probably wouldn't cut it for you.

He didn't tell you because you have made it clear you do not want children.

 

 

 

Why shouldn't he keep this to himself? He doesn't have to lay all his cards on the table, since you're not sticking around. Sure he's caring and he likes you, but knowing this relationship is temporary means he has the right to keep some things to himself (not counting things like possible STDs etc).

 

 

 

Um, okay. This is not just about what you want. It's also about what he wants and what his child needs. Regardless of what kind of relationship he wants with any woman right now, exposing one's child to an on and off girlfriend (or worse, casual sex girlfriend who won't be around forever) is not a great idea. Children need stability.

 

And saying "an afternoon at the zoo is fine" is not the same as saying "She sounds adorable. I'd love to meet her!" He probably wants to save that kinda thing for a woman who will be in his life for a while, one he has a future with, not someone who can barely tolerate kids.

What does not wanting to have a kid have to do with the fact that you do not share that you have a kid? This is a very important part of one's life. It sounds like they are a bit more than f buddies at this point.

J.man, he used that exact word, that he compartmentalizes his life. Interesting input folks, thanks

And yes holly, we've moved beyond just that. I think i triggered people by using the term smash buddies. At this point he's a very dear friend who i confide everything in, and we spend frequent nights together, just chatting. No smashing. i would have totally respected , Hey, i have a kid but i don't let them meet folks and I don't share about them.

I'd poke a little deeper as to why you feel hurt. Did you feel like you were getting close to him as a person? Does it feel like a rude awakening to realize how little you actually know of him?

It's a matter of figuring out what you want. Maybe being bed and breakfast buddies isn't enough for you, but you don't want the serious relationship either? I don't think that's unattainable , but I think for him he's keeping you very compartmentalized from his life . I admit I find it a bit bizarre to compartmentalize to the point he didn't just say ' I have a daughter. Sometimes plans might have to be flexible to accomodate that. I'd like to keep that separate from what we have going on. How's that for you?' . I mean, basic communication and it seems a lot easier to me. But maybe he's done that in the past and lines blur and it gets messy. I don't know.

Good luck in your decision.

What does not wanting to have a kid have to do with the fact that you do not share that you have a kid? This is a very important part of one's life. It sounds like they are a bit more than f buddies at this point.

OP said she doesn't want a long term relationship. If this weren't the case, he could certainly introduce his child to her. She would potentially be a step mother to her, so yes, not wanting children is an important aspect to all this, a single parent who is dating might certainly try to weed out those who don't want children. Not wanting children around at all can also fall under this umbrella.

Admittedly I was also shocked to hear that she didn't hear about his daughter a year or a year and a half in. But then I saw that she didn't want a long-term relationship, meaning that this arrangement is temporary. If OP's goal was settling down with him in the near- or far-off future, then, yes, he should absolutely have revealed that to her a long time ago.

I do admit it's odd that he never once mentioned the daughter during all this time, but thinking from the single dad's perspective, I could understand why.

OP said she doesn't want a long term relationship. If this weren't the case, he could certainly introduce his child to her. She would potentially be a step mother to her, so yes, not wanting children is an important aspect to all this, a single parent who is dating might certainly try to weed out those who don't want children. Not wanting children around at all can also fall under this umbrella.

 

Admittedly I was also shocked to hear that she didn't hear about his daughter a year or a year and a half in. But then I saw that she didn't want a long-term relationship, meaning that this arrangement is temporary. If OP's goal was settling down with him in the near- or far-off future, then, yes, he should absolutely have revealed that to her a long time ago.

 

I do admit it's odd that he never once mentioned the daughter during all this time, but thinking from the single dad's perspective, I could understand why.

He should have shared that he had a child, as they are no longer just f buddies. They have become closer and the dynamic has changed. She does not have to meet the child, but he should have told her.

Sorry, I think it is very weird.

No fighting folks, i value nearly all the input here. I share your view Hollyj, sometimes good to hear some other sides as well. I may or may not agree but..

I in no way want to impact his daughter, or his relationship with her. Part of me views it as protective by him. Someone up above stated i might just be processing the shock of it.

No fighting here. Just healthy disagreements.

I definitely understand you're in shock. You've been seeing him for quite a while and this changes everything you knew about him.

How are things between you two now?

No fighting here. Just healthy disagreements.

 

I definitely understand you're in shock. You've been seeing him for quite a while and this changes everything you knew about him.

 

How are things between you two now?

Yes. "healthy disagreements."

Things are awkward, i think he's concerned the dynamic is broken cause i'm asking for some time to perhaps let the surprise dissipate. I made it very clear that it was the fact that i didn't know not that he had a kid that threw me for a loop. Hearing other's use the term compartmentalize makes me feel like perhaps he's not alone in how he treats his life aspects.

So for now awkward and perhaps we both feel a bit hurt

If I wanted a relationship, it would not be with him. Not because of transparency questions, which I could rationalize away. More because I would be wondering what kind of dad is he?

As a casual situation? Who cares.

If I had a kid, I doubt I'd ever make a conscious effort to bring him or her into conversation with a "smash buddy." He clearly and, IMO appropriately, made a strict compartmentalization with that. And I actually kinda doubt he the toothbrush out to indirectly let you know he has a kid. I'd put several grand on him having forgotten about it and that he simply knew "because we're smash buddies" probably wouldn't cut it for you.

Agree completely.

I would not wonder about his disclosure policy. I would wonder about his custody arrangement, how involved is he, why/why not. I may conclude that this is intended to be an extended fwb, that I am not being considered as a potential future wife/wife-ish. I may conclude that he isn't husband-like candidate for me. And then I would see if I can accept that, and maybe discover that I am not ready for marriage-material dating. If the foregoing happens, the next step is acceptance, letting go of judgments and future worries, and enjoy what I've got.

Agree completely.

 

I would not wonder about his disclosure policy. I would wonder about his custody arrangement, how involved is he, why/why not. I may conclude that this is intended to be an extended fwb, that I am not being considered as a potential future wife/wife-ish. I may conclude that he isn't husband-like candidate for me. And then I would see if I can accept that, and maybe discover that I am not ready for marriage-material dating. If the foregoing happens, the next step is acceptance, letting go of judgments and future worries, and enjoy what I've got.

Yah, good points.

His actions are a reflection of his intentions.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who never mentioned having a child unless the child was an adult and not part of the parents life / far away. It would be bizarre to me. But if I were a casual acquaintance I’d just be mildly surprised. It seems clear to me he has no serious intentions towards you and if he’s been more than a sex partner it seems to me he is not really into his child or being a father. But you don’t want to be a parent and would tolerate an afternoon “at the zoo” (reminds me when we took our son to the zoo for the first time he was 3 and in the photos he has rosy cheeks because he had a fever by the time we got home so it was a bit of a cranky outing ). Anyway I’d skip the zoo kind of thing just in case the child likes you or gets even a little attached - you’re not sticking around so that wouldn’t be fair.

I don't understand why asking him if he had kids never came up as part of your 'getting to know you' talk?

Basic marital and family questions are first date stuff. You never went there?

It doesn't matter what your term for each other was or what you are now. This type of deception is something to consider. In fact you need to reconsider why he saw fit to treat you as such a fool. You shouldn't have to pull teeth or interrogate to get some basic statistics.

"Compartmentalizing" is perhaps not introducing/involving new people to a child, not carrying on this type of deception (yes, lies by omission are part of deception) for over a year. Most acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, etc don't keep having a kid a secret. What's the big deal?

Worse...he turns it around on you and "gets miffed" and refers to you as a mere fbuddy to explain it away and put you in the wrong for discovering this. Seriously rethink if this dude is worth you time.

Seeing a nice guy for a little over a year.

last night when i saw a child's toothbrush in his bathroom. i ask and he tells me he has a 5 year daughter.

I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said at first we were not overly serious.

he also got miffed cause i said i needed some space to think.