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Thread: Depressed after sex with bf

  1. #1

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    Depressed after sex with bf

    I have been dating the love of my life for 1.5 years now and he is truly an amazing person. I love him incredibly. However, I canít help but feel used and depressed affer sex with him. Itís gotten to the point i no longer want to have sex with him AT ALL. And i honestly think this is the main reason women no longer want to have sex with their partners...they donít give them orgasms. Time and time again he is cumming and I am left sexually frustrated in the dark. It is a very lonely and empty feeling knowing that you are pleasing them on a regular basis and getting none of it in return. I canít even go and please myself after in another room because he follows me and wants me to be with him. Most of our sex sessions are quick, like less than 5 minutes. Although he can and has lasted ALOT longer he just chooses not to most of the time i guess. Anyway, it has nothing to do with duration of sex anyway. He could please me orally before or after the act but he just canít be bothered. Itís like heís in a race and heís always the one winning. It makes no sense to me because he is so generous and caring in every other aspect in our relationship and always picks up when something is wrong and tries to fix it. I have made remarks before that suggest i never get any and he does and he just feels bad for that moment i guess and tries to please me but it doesnt feel the same having to get upset and force him...i dont want that. I dont know what to do. I want to marry this guy and i sure as hell dont want to ever cheat but im in an orgasmless relationship and i never thought it could effect me this much mentally but it does :( please help..

  2. #2
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    Can you clarify why you want to marry someone who canít be bothered to make the effort to please you, knows he is being selfish and treats you like you exist for his pleasure? Do you really think this wonít affect the rest of your relationship? That he wonít completely dismiss your needs? I can guarantee this is not the love of your life and that you can do better. You should dump him and spend some time figuring out why you are willing to settle for being an after thought in your own relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    "It makes no sense to me because he is so generous and caring in every other aspect in our relationship and always picks up when something is wrong and tries to fix it. I have made remarks before that suggest i never get any and he does and he just feels bad for that moment i guess and tries to please me but it doesnt feel the same having to get upset and force him..."

    I don't know if your remarks have been vague and not concrete, because sometimes unimaginative, clueless people need clear directions. I would give it one last try with saying to him what you've said at the beginning of the paragraph I posted. Say it in a mellow way that makes it clear you're wanting to improve the relationship because you want it to work out. I'd say: Women take longer to climax with penetration, so I'd like you to do oral on me first so I can climax and not worry about rushing to try when you're inside me.

    It will also get boring if there is no variety, though. I suggest you tell him you want to read about different positions, and vary between oral and penetration, having him pull out and do more oral, to make the session last longer. Be frank and say you'd like more variety to keep things fresh.

    If you feel like he's not enjoying pleasing you, and gives a half-hearted performance, then it means he's selfish in that area, and that should be a dealbreaker for you, regardless of his other positive traits, since sexual compatibility is highly important for the success of a relationship.

    Learn to cut loose men who don't meet ALL of your main needs as soon as you see that's the case. This will free you to be single for someone who will be right for you in EVERY way. Take care.

  4. #4

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    In an attempt to try to help you salvage your relationship and not tell you to break up: Your boyfriend sounds much like mine. He used to finish quickly and not help me any further.

    Turns out, he was just clueless. Some men like ours need VERY direct and obvious communication. Don't just give slight remarks. Sit him aside with you, not focusing on anything else, and tell him how this is making you very unsatisfied and unhappy and you don't think you can keep going with this relationship if you continue to be so sexually frustrated. Tell him exactly how you wish he would act. If he cares about you, he will make an effort to change.

    It took a few times of repeatedly saying very clearly to him how unsatisfied I am, but eventually he got it. After he finishes, he asks me what else I want, and makes sure I'm satisfied before stopping.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If he "always picks up when something is wrong and tries to fix it", have you told him about this? Don't stand for slam bang. You need to stand up for yourself and skip the self-defeating attitude of" it doesnt feel the same having to get upset and force him...i dont want that".

    Being a martyr is building resentment and is already eroding the relationship. Make sure foreplay and mutual satisfaction happens. Tell him exactly precisely and directly what the issue is do not "remark" or hint or pout, etc. If it doesn't improve tell him you need a break and definitely stop having bad sex.
    Originally Posted by Anna26
    he is cumming and I am left sexually frustrated in the dark.
    Most of our sex sessions are quick, like less than 5 minutes.
    He could please me orally before or after the act but he just canít be bothered.
    I have made remarks before that suggest i never get any

  7. #6
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    A couple of things.

    He may not be deliberately leaving you high and dry. He has found what works for him to get off. He definitely needs to widen his set of techniques if that is so.

    If he follows you into another room where you go to masturbate, is he aware of your frustration at that time? Does he ask or offer to get you off?

    You need to have a candid talk with him about your needs in sex. Yeah, that can be awkward.

    I suggest that you find a good book with graphics (not crude, they exist), and look it over to find examples of what works for you. Then share that with him.

    Does he refuse to please you both before and after intercourse?

    Or are you expecting him to just know you need what he needs too? It seems obvious that he should know, so your conclusion that he is being deliberate in not pleasing you seems like a reasonable conclusion. However,he may not realize it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I canít even go and please myself after in another room because he follows me and wants me to be with him.
    Honestly, this gets my Spidey Senses tingling more than anything. Are you conveying as much that you need to finish only for him to wrap his arms around your ankle on your way out? Or are you banking on his seemingly uncanny ability to "pick things up" and know you darting out of the room to finish the job yourself? I say that not because the issue shouldn't be addressed otherwise, but that it would be a tremendous red flag if he were denying you the option of finishing yourself off on top of the unfulfilling experience.

    I have made remarks before that suggest i never get any and he does and he just feels bad for that moment i guess and tries to please me but it doesnt feel the same having to get upset and force him...
    There's something to be said if you two have been having sex for 1.5 years, you haven't been faking orgasms, and over the course of however many hundreds of times, he just legit has been 100% fine blowing his load in 5 without saying so much as a single word to inquire on what might help you get yours. But I'm honestly not certain that's the case, especially if he's the type to want to be with you rather than just rolling over to catch some ZZZs when you slink out to finish yourself off. That strays a bit from the archetype.

    You have addressed it only to resent him for the effort he does follow up with. It's not exactly the best way to inspire someone to take it upon themselves in the future. Really, I think for you to give gauging sexual compatibility a real shot, you've got to be kind but frank about your sexual needs and preferences, dropping your low expectations and resentment and seeing if you two can't meet somewhere to have a mutually fulfilling sex life. Even if he doesn't like going down on you (which I'm not sure is necessarily the case either, though it should be respected if he doesn't), there are different positions, and I'm sure he's got fingers that could finish the job his willy started with practice. Foreplay also tends to work wonders in leveling the playing field. But as it stands with the present attitude, even if he has indeed completely warranted it, you're simply not going to gain anything even if tomorrow he started rolling over, picking you up, and dropping you straight on his face.

  9. #8
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    Why haven't you had a direct conversation about this? It is important. Stop with the remarks and tell him what you told us.

    If it doesn't change, then you need to reassess things, as you cannot have a lifetime of lousy, selfish sex. You should not feel like a blow up doll or prostitute in your relationship.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-08-2019 at 11:39 AM.

  10. #9
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    Rather than trying to go to another room to finish yourself off I think you need to say (nicely) that you'd like him to do the honours, whether that be before or after you have sex.

    Over time I noticed that my partner wasn't touching me or doing anything to get me turned on, but was quite happy for me to do anything and everything to him. It was just laziness on his part. Rather than telling him he was out of order I started telling him that I'd like him to do this or that and he willingly did so. If you tell your partner what you'd like and he isn't interested then I'd say it's time to reassess your relationship.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....going off to another room to help yourself seems very dishonest on your part. You aren't satisfied, but you aren't willing to communicate what you need either. You just want your partner to have some kind of magic mind reading powers. Why not stay where you are, take his hand after he is done and guide him down and you know....clue him in.

    The reason your sex life is awful is really because your own highly misguided idea that your partner should just know. Relationships don't work like that. Healthy relationships require open communication to stay healthy. Btw, communicating your needs is NOT the same as forcing someone to do something against their will. You've got to figure out this distinction asap.

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