So there's this old friend who sent me a message.

And I'm not opening it because I don't want to talk to any of them and lead to a conversation because they might ask me to hang out.

I have been so contented living with family. I have my family and my boyfriend and I'm happy. Do I really need to go out with friends? Is there something wrong with me when I really don't feel like hanging out with friends or I'm totally contented with NO friends at all?

I'm even quite afraid to commute and go around the city because I might bump to some old friends (and classmates).

I'm actually planning to move out to another city and to have a fresh start where no one knows me aside from my family and boyfriend. (Sorry i hope i didn't creep anyone out)

I'm not happy to meet new friends and meet old friends and to go to reunions and like seeing any of them at all. I'm really starting to think if there's something wrong with me.

I admit that I'm not sociable but doesn't being totally contented with no friends seem a little weird? I hope someone helps me understand.

Why don't you want friends?

Why don't you want friends?

If I'm being honest, sometimes I feel like I can never make true friends. That they would only be my "friend" if I can be of benefit to them. And that sometimes, these so called "friends" are the very same people who would backstab you.

Could have been from experience I guess that I can't trust other people which made me uninterested to ever making friends....

Is that normal?

I think that you have chosen the wrong people to be your friends.

I think friends are an important element to people's lives, and it also brings a healthy balance. What would happen if you split with your bf, then it would only be your family?

Would you consider yourself a deeply introverted person?

While I do understand not having many friends, as I live in what they call the loneliest city in the world, as an outsider. But outside contacts are important for our mental health. If we put all our dependence on a very select group of people, that can put a lot of pressure on those people to always be there and to provide for your need for companionship. Sure, as an introvert, you likely don't need that much, but that is not the point. Also, pushing outside the boundaries of yourself is a healthy thing, learning social skills, no matter how trivial you think they are, are important in this world.

And what is the issue of having a brief conversation with someone you used to go to school with, or for that matter, spending an hour catching up? Is your life, or the sheer act of having a brief conversation so loathsome, so painful that you avoid it at all costs? Where do the trust issues stem from?

I think that you have chosen the wrong people to be your friends.

 

I think friends are an important element to people's lives, and it also brings a healthy balance. What would happen if you split with your bf, then it would only be your family?

Is it weird that I'm still contented with just my family? Or maybe because I'm happy enough with just one partner that I know is true to me. Instead of having "friends" that are fake and backstabbers?

It's not up to us to tell you what's weird or not. We aren't you.

What I will say is that you're putting yourself in a position where you are dependent on people who might not always be around, either. What happens if your boyfriend breaks up with you? Or if you lose a family member? Heaven forbid that should happen, but we can't predict what tomorrow will bring. Having a few friends around can mean the difference between coping with life's hard balls, and completely falling apart because you have nowhere else to turn.

It sounds to me like you have had bad experienced with not-great friends before and have decided to isolate yourself as a defense mechanism. It also puts a lot of pressure on a relationship to have zero other social life to speak of. While it can work in the short-term, it will likely leave you feeling distressed if your boyfriend fosters a social life outside of you and you have nothing else to do.

Some people don't have need for friends and that's fine, but I find it very risky to rely only on a partner and family for comfort and companionship and I don't think that predicting that every new friend is going to backstab you and put everyone in the same group is good either (at least not for me). I don't have many friends and I can only call 2 or 3 true friends to whom I tell about my personal life. Then I have acquaintances that are nice and with whom I hang out but don't share much of my personal life. I moved to another country so I have less social life here, but having a social circle even if little, helps me navigate through life and broadens my horizons.

The "choice" of the friends who become close friends and the ones who are just acquaintances has always been natural to me.

I'd say that if you're happy avoiding friends that's totally fine, but by your thread it seems that you're still hurt about something that makes your defence mechanisms be so up and be so "afraid" of even hanging out with people outside of boyfriend and family. I think that'd be good to address what hurts you and makes you so suspicious of people instead of forcing yourself to make friends if that makes you uncomfortable before addressing these issues.

Does your boyfriend have friends and shares your opinions on friendships?

If I'm being honest, sometimes I feel like I can never make true friends. That they would only be my "friend" if I can be of benefit to them. And that sometimes, these so called "friends" are the very same people who would backstab you.

 

Could have been from experience I guess that I can't trust other people which made me uninterested to ever making friends....

 

Is that normal?

While it's typical during forced socialization in school or on a job to encounter people who behave as you've described, most people outgrow the limits of painting ALL potential friendships with the same broad brush. We just learn how to choose our friends more carefully on our own time.

While I can appreciate that in order to have a 'good' friend you need to BE a good friend, and that can take some work, the decision to become a recluse puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on your BF and your family to be your 'everything'. It forms dependencies that stunt your ability to mature into self sufficiency.

You can do that if you want, it's not against the law, but it won't buy you any resilience as a life skill.

So no, you're NOT weird to reject people who you don't trust because they've proven themselves to be un-trust-worthy. Credit yourself for using good judgment in that regard. But instead of using your past experiences to harm yourself by withdrawing from the world, you can gain confidence from them instead by trusting your observation skills. When you see a capacity for mistreatment in someone, you can drop them. This clears your path of undesirable people while keeping your mind open to befriending better people who are worthy of your investment.

Choosing carefully is a far better skill to develop than hiding.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Do you have a place and job lined up there? How do you get along with coworkers and neighbors? They are not "old or new friends" but people you will encounter. Do your family members and bf have friends? Do you get along with your bf's friends/family?

I'm actually planning to move out to another city and to have a fresh start where no one knows me aside from my family and boyfriend.

If you're speaking of bad experiences with so-called friends in high school, maybe that atmosphere ran rampant there, but once you change environments you might encounter more mature people who have moved out of that cattiness stage. I know that when I entered into community college, it was a lot more pleasant atmosphere without cliques.

Sometimes when people try to isolate themselves, it could be a sign of depression. I'd strongly suggest meeting with a therapist to see if you might suffer with a form of depression, because if so, it won't be a good atmosphere for keeping a healthy romantic relationship. I know that the fact my 1st husband suffered from depression was the entire reason I divorced him, and at the end of the relationship, he totally isolated himself.

Your bf will end up feeling smothered that he and your family are the sole center of your universe. And if he breaks up with you, it will likely be total devastation for you versus the normal upset people with a larger support system possess.

I suggest finding a hobby you can be passionate about that can be done with a group. It doesn't mean you have to make fast friends immediately. You can spend time doing something fun with others who also enjoy that activity. It'll also make you a more interesting person to your bf--something you can tell him about, and he'll also appreciate a woman who has a life of her own where she can find some happiness in things other than him.

Take a day-by-day attitude with people. If they don't treat you right, you can walk away, and keep the ones in your life who do right by you, and know you'll be okay no matter what happens. I know that some people with depression overreact to things that would roll over another's back easily. If you feel like depression is a possibility, know that psychological care and possibly antidepressants will put you on a path of feeling stronger about dealing with life issues. Take care.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to answer my question and for giving me a lot of great advices. I will try to answer each post.

And I'm not opening it because I don't want to talk to any of them and lead to a conversation because they might ask me to hang out.

 

I have been so contented living with family. I have my family and my boyfriend and I'm happy. Do I really need to go out with friends? Is there something wrong with me when I really don't feel like hanging out with friends or I'm totally contented with NO friends at all?

 

I'm even quite afraid to commute and go around the city because I might bump to some old friends (and classmates).

 

I'm actually planning to move out to another city and to have a fresh start where no one knows me aside from my family and boyfriend. (Sorry i hope i didn't creep anyone out)

 

I'm not happy to meet new friends and meet old friends and to go to reunions and like seeing any of them at all. I'm really starting to think if there's something wrong with me.

 

I admit that I'm not sociable but doesn't being totally contented with no friends seem a little weird? I hope someone helps me understand.

Well -- why not just read it. If they ask to hang you out and you don't want to - it will be good practice for you to learn how to say no. But if its an old friend who has not contacted you in awhile - maybe they have changed or they want to tell you something you may want to know about

I'm even quite afraid to commute and go around the city because I might bump to some old friends (and classmates).

What exactly are you so afraid of? This sounds like you are hiding from something? What is it? And why?

I'm actually planning to move out to another city and to have a fresh start where no one knows me aside from my family and boyfriend

Would you be on your own in this other city? Or do your family and boyfriend live there? If they don't already live there, how often will you get to see them?

OP, there seems to be a LOT missing from your story. There's a lot of background missing (imo). Maybe share all the relevant information so as to get better and more constructive advice.

Your behavior sounds very isolating, and is concerning.

I mean, I do dread visiting the town I grew up in for that reason. It's a very small town where everyone knows everyone else and the girls (now middle aged women) I went to school with kept up their catty gossipy behaviors long after high school ended.

BUT...I certainly don't allow that to keep me from having friends! I have friends in my current town and in the town I moved to after I left my hometown. I aligned myself with people who are not catty or gossipy. No, not all women (or men) are like that. I have some absolutely wonderful friends whom I love to spend time with.

As for making your boyfriend your only friend? Big mistake IMO. Not only from the "if you break up you'll have no one" perspective, but that puts a tremendous amount of pressure on him to be your end all and be all. He is not responsible to keep you entertained or to be a constant companion. It's healthier for you to branch out and have your own interests, friends, etc.

How long have you been with your boyfriend, BTW? If you're in the first 6 months, want to spend every second together phase I get it, but if it's been more time than that and you still want to hang out with him and only him, I think that's not good or healthy.

It's not up to us to tell you what's weird or not. We aren't you.

 

What I will say is that you're putting yourself in a position where you are dependent on people who might not always be around, either. What happens if your boyfriend breaks up with you? Or if you lose a family member? Heaven forbid that should happen, but we can't predict what tomorrow will bring. Having a few friends around can mean the difference between coping with life's hard balls, and completely falling apart because you have nowhere else to turn.

 

It sounds to me like you have had bad experienced with not-great friends before and have decided to isolate yourself as a defense mechanism. It also puts a lot of pressure on a relationship to have zero other social life to speak of. While it can work in the short-term, it will likely leave you feeling distressed if your boyfriend fosters a social life outside of you and you have nothing else to do.

Would you consider yourself a deeply introverted person?

 

While I do understand not having many friends, as I live in what they call the loneliest city in the world, as an outsider. But outside contacts are important for our mental health. If we put all our dependence on a very select group of people, that can put a lot of pressure on those people to always be there and to provide for your need for companionship. Sure, as an introvert, you likely don't need that much, but that is not the point. Also, pushing outside the boundaries of yourself is a healthy thing, learning social skills, no matter how trivial you think they are, are important in this world.

 

And what is the issue of having a brief conversation with someone you used to go to school with, or for that matter, spending an hour catching up? Is your life, or the sheer act of having a brief conversation so loathsome, so painful that you avoid it at all costs? Where do the trust issues stem from?

Your behavior sounds very isolating, and is concerning.

If boyfriend breaks up with me then I'm okay spending time with my family or on my self. Learning new things or doing better activities. I've experienced life being socially active with school and work because it's a must. I mean you can't be a loner all the time in school with all the group activities going on. And in work, you can't really work alone unless you're working remotely. But it gets tiring with issues keep on rising everywhere I go. I mean can we just be good to one another and not talk on someone's back, gossips are everywhere, betrayals became a common thing and catty attitude is like the new standard. I'm an introvert but that doesn't mean I can't go along with people. I can say that I have made a few friends in the past. It's just that I've experienced betrayal more than I can take with these few friends.

I'm avoiding small talks with these old friends as I know a lot of past issues could be brought up again (with all the how are yous and what not) and I'm not in the best mood to go back with all of that. Like this guy has been seeing this girl. This girl who has been my old friend all along and that guy was my ex - kind of thing.

Meeting new friends could work out but there's always this doubt that I can't really have genuine friendship like in the movies. So, I guess keeping acquaintances is my best option and being not so interested to reunite with old friends or meet new friends of my age are like my new standards in terms of friendship.

Are you over this ex?

Like this guy has been seeing this girl. This girl who has been my old friend all along and that guy was my ex

Some people don't have need for friends and that's fine, but I find it very risky to rely only on a partner and family for comfort and companionship and I don't think that predicting that every new friend is going to backstab you and put everyone in the same group is good either (at least not for me). I don't have many friends and I can only call 2 or 3 true friends to whom I tell about my personal life. Then I have acquaintances that are nice and with whom I hang out but don't share much of my personal life. I moved to another country so I have less social life here, but having a social circle even if little, helps me navigate through life and broadens my horizons.

 

The "choice" of the friends who become close friends and the ones who are just acquaintances has always been natural to me.

 

I'd say that if you're happy avoiding friends that's totally fine, but by your thread it seems that you're still hurt about something that makes your defence mechanisms be so up and be so "afraid" of even hanging out with people outside of boyfriend and family. I think that'd be good to address what hurts you and makes you so suspicious of people instead of forcing yourself to make friends if that makes you uncomfortable before addressing these issues.

 

Does your boyfriend have friends and shares your opinions on friendships?

Thank you Annia. I'm not solely relying on my partner and family. Sometimes, being able to reflect on my own is a good thing too. Sometimes, I get sad watching movies about friendship because I thought that genuine friendship can only happen in the movies. I guess that you're right that I have this defense mechanism of avoiding these friends because of what hurt me in the past. These old friends were my classmates in school in the past. And addressing it will help me become better.

My boyfriend is actually a lot more sociable than I am. He has a good circle of friends but he respects what I want. He's always encouraging me to make new friends or inviting me to some gathering he's in but he respects me when I say I won't. He's a really great guy and he accepts me for who i am.

Are you over this ex?

I know I am but I would avoid seeing him again or even hearing his name if possible.

While it's typical during forced socialization in school or on a job to encounter people who behave as you've described, most people outgrow the limits of painting ALL potential friendships with the same broad brush. We just learn how to choose our friends more carefully on our own time.

 

While I can appreciate that in order to have a 'good' friend you need to BE a good friend, and that can take some work, the decision to become a recluse puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on your BF and your family to be your 'everything'. It forms dependencies that stunt your ability to mature into self sufficiency.

 

You can do that if you want, it's not against the law, but it won't buy you any resilience as a life skill.

 

So no, you're NOT weird to reject people who you don't trust because they've proven themselves to be un-trust-worthy. Credit yourself for using good judgment in that regard. But instead of using your past experiences to harm yourself by withdrawing from the world, you can gain confidence from them instead by trusting your observation skills. When you see a capacity for mistreatment in someone, you can drop them. This clears your path of undesirable people while keeping your mind open to befriending better people who are worthy of your investment.

 

Choosing carefully is a far better skill to develop than hiding.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you for this. I think I really need to hear this. :)

Do you have a place and job lined up there? How do you get along with coworkers and neighbors? They are not "old or new friends" but people you will encounter. Do your family members and bf have friends? Do you get along with your bf's friends/family?

Yes. I work remotely now so I don't have to deal with co-workers. I can say I get along with people most of the time (classmates in the past and in my past work) because I always tend to have this 'want to please everybody' attitude (even if I know this is not socially healthy at all). I smile and try hard to be as interesting person as I can to be socially accepted. But after school and after those past workplaces, I naturally cut off communication if I can and avoid to hang out or reunite.

My bf and family members have their own circle of friends. I can communicate naturally with them even if I'm an introvert. I'm a flexible person.

Why not view silly immature high school cliques and dynamics for what they are? Immature people doing immature things. The longer you hold on to grudges and anger the more you reduce the quality of your own well being. Let go of these past resentments and move forward.

If you don't want to be on reunion lists or attend reunions, don't. It's that simple. Why get angry and upset about it? You are not obligated to be friends with or communicate with anyone. If people from your past bother you simply delete and block them and get off any email lists, social media, etc that involves reunions or high school classmates.

I would avoid seeing him again or even hearing his name if possible.

If you're speaking of bad experiences with so-called friends in high school, maybe that atmosphere ran rampant there, but once you change environments you might encounter more mature people who have moved out of that cattiness stage. I know that when I entered into community college, it was a lot more pleasant atmosphere without cliques.

 

Sometimes when people try to isolate themselves, it could be a sign of depression. I'd strongly suggest meeting with a therapist to see if you might suffer with a form of depression, because if so, it won't be a good atmosphere for keeping a healthy romantic relationship. I know that the fact my 1st husband suffered from depression was the entire reason I divorced him, and at the end of the relationship, he totally isolated himself.

 

Your bf will end up feeling smothered that he and your family are the sole center of your universe. And if he breaks up with you, it will likely be total devastation for you versus the normal upset people with a larger support system possess.

 

I suggest finding a hobby you can be passionate about that can be done with a group. It doesn't mean you have to make fast friends immediately. You can spend time doing something fun with others who also enjoy that activity. It'll also make you a more interesting person to your bf--something you can tell him about, and he'll also appreciate a woman who has a life of her own where she can find some happiness in things other than him.

 

Take a day-by-day attitude with people. If they don't treat you right, you can walk away, and keep the ones in your life who do right by you, and know you'll be okay no matter what happens. I know that some people with depression overreact to things that would roll over another's back easily. If you feel like depression is a possibility, know that psychological care and possibly antidepressants will put you on a path of feeling stronger about dealing with life issues. Take care.

Thank you for these advises and suggestions Andrina.

My bf and my family are actually not the only sole center of my universe. I actually get very busy with work, my hobbies, my other crafts. Although, most of the time I do these things alone but I'm still happy. If my bf broke up with me, it would be very sorrowful, but it won't destroy my entire universe. I'm sometimes thrilled with the idea of having a group actually on a religious side. I would actually prefer an older group of women as they are more matured than group of my age.

Again, thank you :)

Well -- why not just read it. If they ask to hang you out and you don't want to - it will be good practice for you to learn how to say no. But if its an old friend who has not contacted you in awhile - maybe they have changed or they want to tell you something you may want to know about

That could be true. The thing is if I say no, it could burn bridges...