Mixed signals

I have recently been seeing a guy who I actually really like.

We met in December but I was away for most of the year until the latter half of February when we arranged a date. We spoke via text the entire time I was abroad, and I had a really good feeling about the whole thing.

So fast forward to my return, and the day of our date rolls around (he had a heavy night, by the time I finished work and he could get here it was getting late) so we both agreed unanimously to rearrange for the following week. The date comes round and we have a really nice time, end up having a horribly late night and we share a kiss. My heart is singing, have I really found this awesome guy without the help of internet dating or apps? Is this too good to be true?

He texts me instantly after leaving to say he really likes me and we arrange the next date, which comes around and he cancels BUT throws a new date at me immediately and fulfils. We again have a lovely time, this time opting to go out for a meal together and then drinks at my place. He stays the night, we have lunch the next day and I feel like a loved up teenager. We arrange the next date, something comes up and he has to cancel... So I'm sure people can see at this point where this story is going. We are meant to have a date this evening and I have other people asking if I am free, and honestly I don't know what to do for the best! I really want to date this guy but his success rate for dates is currently at 50%!

So to add a bit more backstory; I often get texts from this guy I have now been on a grand total of two dates with, and despite them both being up there with the greatest dates ever, we really have only met twice. The texts are along the lines of 'I am really glad I met you' or 'I miss you' and the like. I am wracking my brain trying to work out if this is just manipulation, conveniently timed texts to make sure I do not drop off the hook so to speak or if he is actually just that kinda person that is a little on the flaky side. He will message frequently before a 'date' to say he cannot wait to see me, last time even going so far as to set a time and a location and then to say 'I'm so sorry, something has come up and I need to be there, but I really, really wanted to see you'

I'm willing to invest a little more than usual as I get really good vibes from this guy when I am around him, but I just cannot tell if actually we are playing mind games!

I'm a little confused. Your second (and last) date was late February. How many dates has he cancelled since then?

First date was about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled the subsequent date and rescheduled which he showed for. He then cancelled our last one and we are due to meet tonight, so 2 out of 4 so far. He has not confirmed today about tonight but did message me last night to say that he is so glad he met me, and that he feels a lot for me . . .soooo I don't know what to make of any of this! Maybe he is just a prize flake that does not want to be...

So, he cancelled twice but rescheduled. Perhaps he's just a very busy guy. I'd give it a couple more dates.

I would probably go out on the date tonight if he doesn't cancel, but would avoid being intimate again on this date so you're not overly investing in a flake, if that's what he is. To me, dates should only be cancelled for super important stuff like needing to take someone to the emergency room, or urgent workplace shift changes/overtime. You don't know the reasons why he cancelled, but the things I mentioned don't happen often so I'd say his free passes have been used up and if he continues the pattern of cancelling, it doesn't match with what you want in a partner so you can then walk away.

In the future, I'd abstain from sex until you get a better picture of where things are going because it prematurely gets you more attached to the person, and to me I'd never want a mere stranger to know where I lived until achieving a comfort level that he's not a stalker or weirdo or murderer.

 

He will message frequently before a 'date' to say he cannot wait to see me, last time even going so far as to set a time and a location and then to say 'I'm so sorry, something has come up and I need to be there, but I really, really wanted to see you.

 

I am typically not so cynical and try to give guys the benefit of the doubt in most cases but what's quoted above sounds like a huge load of 'you know what.'

It's too over the top; if he "really" wanted to see you, he wouldn't continue to cancel on you, period, end of. Especially on such short notice.

I mean "something" just happened to "come up"? Please.

I dunno, I don't fall for such over the top "lines" from guys, just be real for god's sake. I can see right through that game and its a huge turn off.

I would speculate he is multi-dating and a better deal opened up, he says whatever he needs to to keep you in the rotation.

Next.

What is your gut telling you?

We are meant to have a date this evening and I have other people asking if I am free, and honestly I don't know what to do for the best! I really want to date this guy but his success rate for dates is currently at 50%!

Where exactly do you stand with the supposed date tonight?

Depending on the conversation and communication regarding this, I might just go ahead with other plans.

If he's 50/50 like you say and you don't trust him to follow through, going ahead with other plans sends a clear message that aren't going to wait by the phone and though he may not, you do value your own time.

Don't do it to be manipulative. If you are really getting definite offers to do something tonight and he hasn't followed up with something that sounds firm and you are thinking he may pull the rug out again, I'd make my own plans.

Why did you decide to have him spend the night on the second date?

Why did you decide to have him spend the night on the second date?

That's my question, too?

Why did you decide to have him spend the night on the second date?

Long story, but we had a really nice evening in my part of town; it got late and public transport options were limited so I offered him a place to stay. I think I need to clarify that we did not and have not had sex.

The third date was a success, however he was an hour late. We had a really nice evening which culminated in me meeting some of his friends and oddly being introduced as his boyfriend... so I guess he is just a flake with good intentions and poor timekeeping? I suppose longer term I will just need to decide if these qualities are something that can be changed, and I do not believe in trying to change someone, or if it something that I can live with in a relationship.

When you've been with someone for awhile and you haven't seen them in a bit for whatever reason and they say they miss you, that's genuine. When a virtual stranger you've only met once or twice is feeding you those kinds of lines....it's manipulative and I'd be very very skeptical if I were you. Manipulative people can make you feel like a million bucks because they can read and mirror people incredibly well. Feels like you are instant soulmates....but....beware and proceed very carefully.

Another thing. When someone is genuinely busy, they'll tend to talk about what's keeping them busy and share. You won't get a generic "something came up". Even if you do get a "sorry work issue must reschedule", next time you talk, they'll volunteer what that was all about either directly or indirectly by telling you what crazy things are going on at work. In other words, honest people will give you enough information about their life that you don't have to question if you are just being brushed off or if they have real problems. If you aren't getting that, chances are good that you are just one in a rotation of many and yes, being kept on the hook.

Oof, anyone who referred to themselves as my "boyfriend" when we haven't had the conversation about exclusivity would be setting off my warning sensors. He's being flaky and rushing things. Likely, he is emotionally unavailable and his behavior is patterned. Be cautious.

"I do not believe in trying to change someone, or if it something that I can live with in a relationship." SMART!!!!!!!

I wish everyone lived by those words, it would make life much easier for many on this site.

Thanks for all the replies. I am paying close attention to his behavior as I really do have my suspicions that I am one of a few. A couple of little things that do not make sense are niggling me. I have other options but as usual I seem hooked on the guy who is probably the absolute worst for me.

He does have quite a few issues; he is a bit lost work wise and his work has him working late into the evening. The people he works with are also a terrible influence, and I honestly am not entirely sure when he actually sleeps so am not overthinking weird timed responses or lack of responses (if he cant respond I will make alternate plans elsewhere)

I did find him calling me his boyfriend a little premature and odd, particularly with a lack of prior conversation and particularly as I know full well he is still on dating apps (we went on three dates, this is fine, we have not discussed exclusivity)

Maybe I am enjoying the craziness too much. Maybe I will get bored of it quicker than I realize....!

He never canceled a date - he rescheduled. Huge difference!

Although an hour late is bad. I'm right on time 14 out of 15 times.

boyfreind nomenclature is a little odd before 2 months of dating.

Other than that, things are going well. But it's early, lol

Well to finish this story; turned out he was far, far from interested.

After the calling my boyfriend without having that discussion, and telling me how much he liked me and cared for me in the 24 hours after... he went cold. Completely and utterly. Now I barely hear from him so I guess it is obvious he was never really interested!

Ouch! Sorry. I LOL'd at your comment, "I have other options but as usual I seem hooked on the guy who is probably the absolute worst for me." So true. Why do we do this?? These guys are charming, and they make you feel the feels and that they feel the same...and they don't. Magic 8 ball is not helpful...it would be nice to have the ending to the story first.

What struck me was your wondering about whether or not you were still "on" and whether or not you should just plan to go out with your friends due to his propensity to cancel last minute. Why didn't you confirm with him earlier in the day? If he was "iffy," you could have said, "Okay, how about we just reschedule?" You were definitely leaning in the direction of just cancelling and going out with friends, and maybe in hindsight, that's exactly what you should have done. But we don't do that...we stick to our plans and we don't want to miss that opportunity to spend time with him. Again, it's too bad we don't have a crystal ball.

Last weekend I did that. This guy I've been seeing has a tendency to cancel. Sometimes we plan an alternate, maybe movie at home and cook or takeout, and other times there's no date...absolutely maddening when you declined other plans because of him. We had planned to go to this one particular restaurant twice before, and he cancelled. So this past weekend, with plans to go to this restaurant, I texted him a few hours before to confirm whether we were still on or not. Of course he could still bail last-minute, but as long as I knew before driving across town, that was fine by me. I had plans with my daughter, and then I could head home, run errands, or meet at the restaurant...totally fine with any outcome, though disappointment at another cancellation (which he didn't; we had a nice time). It's just how it is with this guy and something I just accept for as long as I choose to keep him around. :)

Well to finish this story; turned out he was far, far from interested.

 

After the calling my boyfriend without having that discussion, and telling me how much he liked me and cared for me in the 24 hours after... he went cold. Completely and utterly. Now I barely hear from him so I guess it is obvious he was never really interested!

Well, if it makes you feel better, this is not uncommon. It's easy for someone to play a part for a short period of time. And it's just as easy to lose perspective when you meet someone and sparks are flying. That's why this type of reversal happens so much.

If you don't enjoy the roller coaster of emotion, then insist on putting things into perspective as they happen. For example, how much could he possibly care about you after just a couple weeks of knowing you? Also, make it a rule to cancel unconfirmed plans.

It feels like a total buzz-kill in the short run, but it saves a lot of grief in the long run.

I am typically not so cynical and try to give guys the benefit of the doubt in most cases but what's quoted above sounds like a huge load of 'you know what.'

 

It's too over the top; if he "really" wanted to see you, he wouldn't continue to cancel on you, period, end of. Especially on such short notice.

 

I mean "something" just happened to "come up"? Please.

 

I dunno, I don't fall for such over the top "lines" from guys, just be real for god's sake. I can see right through that game and its a huge turn off.

 

I would speculate he is multi-dating and a better deal opened up, he says whatever he needs to to keep you in the rotation.

 

Next.

I am repeating my first post above for emphasis.

To me this is simple, your BS meter needs some major fine tuning.

I know we like give men we like the benefit of the doubt, but when a guy keeps feeding you lines such as he "can't wait" to see you blah blah, but continues to cancel last minute saying "sorry, something came up," especially so early in, that's your cue to abort mission. Unless you want what just happened to happen.

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid disappointment later, and a whole lot of unnecessary bull-shyt.

Lesson learned?

I am repeating my first post above for emphasis.

 

To me this is simple, your BS meter needs some major fine tuning.

 

I know we like give men we like the benefit of the doubt, but when a guy keeps feeding you lines such as he "can't wait" to see you blah blah, but continues to cancel last minute saying "sorry, something came up," especially so early in, that's your cue to abort mission. Unless you want what just happened to happen.

 

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid disappointment later, and a whole lot of unnecessary bull-shyt.

 

Lesson learned?

Oh I KNOW my BS meter is broken. All it takes is for a handsome man to say the right things, push the right buttons at the right time and like an idiot there I am believing everything and planning my future wedding.

I have cried my tears, thankfully it was early enough that I won't spend too long dwelling on it...!

Lesson learned... I really want to say yes. But I know that I am such a fool when it comes to this. I need to pay closer attention but the truth is I am such an old romantic that I so badly want to believe it all!

Well, if it makes you feel better, this is not uncommon. It's easy for someone to play a part for a short period of time. And it's just as easy to lose perspective when you meet someone and sparks are flying. That's why this type of reversal happens so much.

 

If you don't enjoy the roller coaster of emotion, then insist on putting things into perspective as they happen. For example, how much could he possibly care about you after just a couple weeks of knowing you? Also, make it a rule to cancel unconfirmed plans.

 

It feels like a total buzz-kill in the short run, but it saves a lot of grief in the long run.

Yeah a few of my pals have said that nothing is set in stone this early on. Although I find it so peculiar that something changed so quickly; being introduced as his 'boyfriend' one night, receiving text messages the following evening to say he missed me and was looking forward to attending a party the following week, just he and I... and then nothing. But you are right; do I even really know this guy? Not at all really...

It does feel very crushing right now, but thank gods I did not get so emotionally attached that I had to deal with this guy ghosting me further down the line somewhere

Ouch! Sorry. I LOL'd at your comment, "I have other options but as usual I seem hooked on the guy who is probably the absolute worst for me." So true. Why do we do this?? These guys are charming, and they make you feel the feels and that they feel the same...and they don't. Magic 8 ball is not helpful...it would be nice to have the ending to the story first.

 

What struck me was your wondering about whether or not you were still "on" and whether or not you should just plan to go out with your friends due to his propensity to cancel last minute. Why didn't you confirm with him earlier in the day? If he was "iffy," you could have said, "Okay, how about we just reschedule?" You were definitely leaning in the direction of just cancelling and going out with friends, and maybe in hindsight, that's exactly what you should have done. But we don't do that...we stick to our plans and we don't want to miss that opportunity to spend time with him. Again, it's too bad we don't have a crystal ball.

 

Last weekend I did that. This guy I've been seeing has a tendency to cancel. Sometimes we plan an alternate, maybe movie at home and cook or takeout, and other times there's no date...absolutely maddening when you declined other plans because of him. We had planned to go to this one particular restaurant twice before, and he cancelled. So this past weekend, with plans to go to this restaurant, I texted him a few hours before to confirm whether we were still on or not. Of course he could still bail last-minute, but as long as I knew before driving across town, that was fine by me. I had plans with my daughter, and then I could head home, run errands, or meet at the restaurant...totally fine with any outcome, though disappointment at another cancellation (which he didn't; we had a nice time). It's just how it is with this guy and something I just accept for as long as I choose to keep him around. :)

I am glad I am not alone in this; in the run up to meeting this guy who has faded me out I had the option of dating another wonderful guy; my friends were gobsmacked I chose against him (good career, good looking, nice guy) and instead I chose the bad boy barman who has ultimately burned me. I would like to say I won't be here again... but I feel that I will!

I think when it comes to the making alternate plans around the guy we like, even if he has a tendency towards cancelling, it's because we are into them. We want to spend time with them but sadly it is not reciprocated. I mean honestly, right now, even if this guy messaged me tomorrow and said 'are you around tonight'. . . I would certainly hesitate before I said 'Sorry, I'm busy'.

See that is the thing with the guy I have been seeing; we would always reschedule but then as of last week all I got was 'it's complicated' or some rubbish about other unconfirmed plans with other people. I wish it could have worked, I did really enjoy his company, but oh well!

Although I find it so peculiar that something changed so quickly; being introduced as his 'boyfriend' one night, receiving text messages the following evening to say he missed me and was looking forward to attending a party the following week, just he and I... and then nothing.

Nothing actually changed though, if you think about it. He just stopped the attention and it feels like there's a hole there now. But there's not really a hole and everything is ok.

It does feel very crushing right now,

That's because your feelings took a ride and are still somewhat out there to some extent, slowly dragging their sorry asses home or floating back down from outer space. But they'll get back in line, soon. And I think you know that.

Yeah a few of my pals have said that nothing is set in stone this early on. Although I find it so peculiar that something changed so quickly; being introduced as his 'boyfriend' one night, receiving text messages the following evening to say he missed me and was looking forward to attending a party the following week, just he and I... and then nothing. But you are right; do I even really know this guy? Not at all really...

 

It does feel very crushing right now, but thank gods I did not get so emotionally attached that I had to deal with this guy ghosting me further down the line somewhere

You are not alone. Sorry this happened to you. I am one of those brutally honest hardcore romantics too and sadly expect men will see that and be the same to me.

Crushing is a horrible feeling but it will pass soon. Don't give up!

So the story continues; I received a late night message from him to basically apologize for everything; he said that 'The thing is, I like you a lot. I'm scared of getting attached to someone and then losing them. A lot of people that meant a lot to me F***ed me up big time in my life and made me the person I am now. Not to mention I have a lot on my mind anyway at the moment. I am crap at replying, especially to the people I care about which is selfish and wrong. But I don't want you to F*** off at all, please don't say that'

Now I do not know how to respond! Is it me, or is it him? Now I feel rotten!