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Thread: Do I breakup or stay in my relationship?

  1. #1

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    Do I breakup or stay in my relationship?

    So I've been dating this guy for a little over seven months. I count him as my first REAL relationship. I'm 22 and he's 24. When we together I am so happy. He makes me laugh and he's become my best friend. I could spend endless amounts of time with him. Yet I am always brought back to this feeling of unhappiness. It only happens when I'm not with him or when he's leaving. He suffers with depression and he's told me before that he loves me but is not "in love" with me. From that moment on is when I started having this feeling. He say's its because of his depression and that I'm perfect in everyway for him. I know he beats himself up at times cause he feels like he isn't a good boyfriend to me. Our communication sucks. We basically wait until things start building up before having an open conversation that usually makes us both sad and gives that feeling that we are on the edge of breaking up. Yet we both always choose to stay. Breaking up is not something either of us want to do. My problem now is that while I know he tries at times I'm just feel lonely in the relationship. And he just doesn't make me feel special anymore. He used to surprise me with flowers and cute dates or just stopping by out of the blue and he just doesn't do that anymore. I don't know if this is just me finding flaws in him cause I'm afraid of commitment or something. But like for Valentine's day he talked about how he wanted to do something cute and romantic and I got all excited for the day. I went all out for his gift making this really cute pinterest thing. And he did get me flowers and my fav chocolate (rasionettes and mallomars) but it just felt like something he thought of last minute and picked up on the way to my house. No date was planned and when he got here he didn't even really want to go out. I didn't want to be upset about it, but inwardly I felt a little let down. And I keep feeling that way like he's just going through motions doing what he's "supposed to do" instead of doing things cause he wants to. And I want to be there for him and his depression, but am I just delaying the inevitable?

  2. #2
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    If heís not in love with you there isnít anything you can do. Itís time to break it off before this relationship causes you both more heart ache. It sounds like your friends who lean on each other so youíre not lonely, nothing more. Never settle for less then what you deserve.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    If heís not in love with you there isnít anything you can do. Itís time to break it off before this relationship causes you both more heart ache. It sounds like your friends who lean on each other so youíre not lonely, nothing more. Never settle for less then what you deserve.
    And OP... at the end of the day the missing piece of being in love will become a wedge in your relationship and at some point, one of you is going to decide you want more. Best to let it go now and possibly remain good friends then to get to a point where you end up resenting each other.

  4. #4
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    People throw the word depression around a lot on these forums, but you didn't write anything in your post that suggests he is actually depressed. Loving someone but not being "in love" with them isn't a symptom of depression. Neither is putting halfway effort into a relationship.

    That being said, it sounds like you expect the honeymoon phase to last forever. People do occasionally give gifts in relationships, but the level of spontaneous romantic gestures goes down after the 6 month point. I am not saying this guy is providing for your emotional needs, because it sounds like he's not as invested as you are, but no couple keeps up the same "head in the clouds" feeling forever.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's backing out of the relationship with the "it's me, not you" reason in an effort not to hurt you. However you haven't been happy in quite a while either. Unfortunately it would be best to simply end it. At this point there is too much doubt, unhappiness and apathy. Do not stick around hoping to fix him.
    Originally Posted by swimgirl
    He suffers with depression and he's told me before that he loves me but is not "in love" with me.
    He say's its because of his depression and that I'm perfect in everyway for him.
    Our communication sucks.
    We basically wait until things start building up before having an open conversation that usually makes us both sad and gives that feeling that we are on the edge of breaking up.
    I'm just feel lonely in the relationship.
    I keep feeling that way like he's just going through motions doing what he's "supposed to do"

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    7 months in and he can tell you to your face he's not in love with you? -it isn't going to happen in the future.

    If you imagine the first 6 months is the honeymoon and people are typically at their best and he's not even motivated to commit his heart into this, he isn't going to do it down the road.

    Bottom line, this isn't working for you.
    Hold out for someone who's crazy in love with you, believe you deserve it and never settle for anything less.

    Of course he doesn't want to break up. This is too convenient for him, he doesn't have to put any effort into it and he isn't at risk of losing anything either.
    You on the other hand. . .

    People who are suffering from depression rarely have anything emotional to offer another person.

  8. #7
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    Bad communication, a lot of uncertainty and he is not in love after 7 months. This is not a match.

    He is not capable of giving you what you need and deserve.

  9. #8
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    What leads him to believe he is suffering from depression? What symptoms has he experienced?

    I'm trying to determine if he's actually depressed in the clinical sense, or if he just feels lousy that he's not that into you and know it's hurting you.

  10. #9

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    My biggest regret from my first relationship is that I was too scared to leave. I had many of the same things you are experiencing. I can say very confidently that yes, it is just delaying the inevitable.


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